Every movie lover knows the famous line from A Few Good Men,[i] “You can’t handle the truth!” But few of us focus much on the statements of Colonel Nathan Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson, following that line:

So why do we even have governments? According to Thomas Jefferson, as set forth in the Declaration of Independence, governments are instituted to preserve our rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But practically speaking, what does that really mean? What is the appropriate balance between government providing us security and each of us exercising our individual freedoms? We want freedom, but are we willing to put our lives on the line to fight for it? Watch this scene in the movie, Trumbo,[ii] as Dalton Trumbo takes on John Wayne. After you peel away the sound bites, which of the two did more to protect freedom during World War II? But wait! Trumbo might have been a Communist!

I readily admit I don’t have many good answers. On the one hand, I am moved to anger, and sometimes even tears, when I hear about the loss of individual rights and abuses of power. Movies about slavery are almost always gut-wrenching to me. I cheer when I watch a movie about an independent press, exercising its first amendment rights, who investigates and exposes abuses of power by government, the military, a church or a corporation. I love legal dramas where justice and the rule of law prevail over a corrupt police officer or prosecutor. But on the other hand, outside of the movie theater, I love it when police and prosecutors put away true criminals and otherwise keep our homes, neighborhoods, and cities safe. I sleep well at night knowing we have a military and government that are vigilant in fighting terrorists, both at home and abroad. I love my freedom, but I love my security just as much. I want my government to protect my freedom, but how willing am I, really, to fight for it? No one was happier than I was when, during the Vietnam War, my lottery number was 315, guaranteeing that I would never be drafted. I’m older and hopefully wiser now and realize that war, more often than not, does more to destroy freedom than protect it. But when was the last time I participated in a peaceful protest march, wrote a letter to a newspaper editor, visited one of my elected officials or took any real action against some abuse of power? Do I have the guts to be a whistle blower? I might grumble to my family and friends, but do I do anything of real consequence to help preserve our rights?

I recently watch the movie. Snowden,[iii] the depiction of the real life Edward Snowden who exposed the U.S. government’s practice of surveillance of millions of American citizen’s private lives under the guise of the Patriot Act and the government’s war on terrorism. Here is a glimpse of what the government was doing:

And it wasn’t just surveying emails, phone records and chat rooms. The government was looking into our private lives without any of us knowing about it, including our bedrooms, where everyone has an expectation of privacy:

Edward Snowden inherently knew this invasion of privacy of people who had no connection to terrorism or were not a threat to anyone was not right and did something about it, even though he knew, by exposing the practice, he would be violating the law. But Snowden concluded, “I can’t in good conscience allow the U.S. government to destroy privacy, internet freedom and basic liberties for people around the world with this massive surveillance machine they’re secretly building.” Watch the final scene from the movie (with the real Edward Snowden) and don’t stop when the credits begin to role. Branded as a traitor, Snowden now lives in Russia to avoid incarceration for his disclosures of classified government information. Yet it was Snowden’s actions that led to the courts declaring that the government’s practices were illegal and a change in policy and practice by the Obama administration.

These post-disclosure actions by the government would seem to vindicate Snowden. Yet he remains in Russia.

I am law-abiding citizen. Most of us are. But there are still things we can do to preserve our freedom and prevent abuses of power from government and others, regardless of age, race, or political affiliation. As Bob Dylan said, “A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.” So let’s all be heroes. Here are a few of my ideas. I would love others to share theirs as well.

• Learn (or relearn) what the American system of government is all about. Read the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Federalist Papers, significant Supreme Court cases, and similar documents or histories.
• Get your news from several different sources with various agendas, biases and approaches. The same events can be reported significantly differently.
• Be willing to speak your mind, no matter how unpopular your position might be, but allow others to do the same. When others speak, listen. Find the valid points in both your position and theirs.
• Stand up for others whose freedom might be in jeopardy. For there, but for the grace of God, go all of us.
• Write letters to editors and politicians, or better yet, get directly involved in causes that are important to you.
• Remember that our elected officials are not perfect, but they still must be held accountable for their results (or lack thereof). Personally, I prefer a politician who has learned the art of effective compromise (which our Constitution is the result of) than one who draws lines in the sand and rejects anything that even approaches crossing that line.
• Ask questions and challenge those in authority when government does something that doesn’t feel right. Your impressions generally are right.
• Vote knowledgeably – in every election.

Dwight D. Eisenhower said it this way: “If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking … is freedom.” Let’s find that balance between security and freedom. I close with these words from Edward Snowden: “I still love my country. And I still consider myself working for it. To serve your country, sometimes you have to disagree with the government. And that is not traitorous. That, I would say, is patriotic.”

I tip my cap to patriots everywhere.

[i] A Few Good Men

• Production Company: Sony Movie Channel
• Director: Rob Reiner
• Screenwriter: Aaron Sorkin
• Starring: Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore, and Kevin Bacon
• Release date: December 11, 1992

[ii] Trumbo

• Production Company: Bleecker Street Films, ShivHans Pictures and Groundswell Productions
• Director: Jay Roach
• Screenwriter: John McNamara and Bruce Cook (book)
• Starring: Bryan Cranston, Diane Lane and Helen Mirren
• Release date: November 27, 2015

[iii] Snowden

• Production Company: KrautPack Entertainment and Endgame Entertainment
• Director: Oliver Stone
• Screenwriter: Kieran Fitzgerald and Oliver Stone
• Starring: Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, Shailene Woodley, and Melissa Leo
• Release date: September 16, 2016

This is a great time of year if you are a basketball fan. High school state championships have just been played. At the college level, March Madness is beginning. The NBA playoffs are right around the corner. Even if you don’t have a favorite team competing in March Madness, the tournament is so much fun because there’s always a major upset or two, or three, four or more. We love to see the Goliaths of the sports world toppled by the little Davids.

But what I love most about March Madness is watching a team that plays, well, as a team. Too often the tournament is dominated by a handful of superstar players from a handful of teams who, yes, want to win the tournament, but are really playing to impress NBA scouts. But I agree with Duke’s head coach, Mike Krzyzewski, who said, “To me, teamwork is the beauty of our sport, where you have five acting as one.” Through teamwork, the accomplishments of the team sometimes becomes much more than the collective talent of each individual player.

I experienced this phenomenon firsthand through my oldest son’s high school basketball team. They were a team of mostly slightly better than average players with no superstars. They were picked to finish fourth in their district, but somehow they made the playoffs. And then the magic really happened. Picked as the underdog in every game they played in the state tournament, playing as a cohesive unit, they won game after game (a total of six) against clearly more athletically talented teams. In each game, a different player stepped up and did something remarkable to help this team win. And after every game, the opposing team walked off the court shaking their heads, wondering how a group of “mostly short, slow, white guys” (to quote my son) could have beaten them. It was the movie, Hoosiers,[i] all over again, with my son even playing the role of Ollie, sinking two free throws at the end of one game to win it. Remarkably, this team of nobodies found themselves in the Texas Class 5A state finals against the number one team in the state, who had lost only one game all year, and who had demolished its semifinal foe by more than 40 points. No one gave my son’s team a chance.

 I love the way author Daniel James Brown describes the importance of teamwork in his book, The Boys in the Boat,[ii] the story of the USA 1936 gold medal rowing team:

“[T]he greatest paradox of the sport has to do with the psychological makeup of the people who pull the oars. Great oarsmen and oarswomen are necessarily made up of conflicting stuff…. The sport offers so many opportunities for suffering and so few opportunities for glory that only the most tenaciously self-reliant and self-motivated are likely to succeed at it. And yet, at the same time – and this is key – no other sport demands and rewards the complete abandonment of the self the way that rowing does. Great crews may have men or women of exceptional talent or strength; they may have outstanding coxswains or stroke oars or bowmen; but they have no stars. The team effort – the perfectly synchronized flow of muscle, oars, boat and water; the single, whole, unified, and beautiful symphony that a crew in motion becomes – is all that matters. Not the individual, not the self.

“…Crew races are carefully balanced blends of both physical abilities and personality types. In physical terms, for instance, one rower’s arms might be longer than another’s, but the latter might have a stronger back than the former. Neither is necessarily a better or more valuable oarsman than the other; both the long arms and the strong back are assets to the boat. But if they are to row well together, each of these oarsmen must adjust to the needs and capabilities of the other. Each must be prepared to compromise something in the way of optimizing his stroke for the overall benefit of the boat….

“And capitalizing on diversity is perhaps even more important when it comes to the characters of the oarsmen. A crew composed entirely of eight amped-up, overtly aggressive oarsmen will often degenerate into a dysfunctional brawl in a boat or exhaust itself in the first leg of a long race. Similarly, a boatload of quiet but strong introverts may never find the common core of fiery resolve that causes the boat to explode past its competitors when all seems lost. Good crews are good blends of personalities; someone to lead the charge, someone to hold something in reserve; someone to think things through; someone to charge ahead without thinking. Somehow all this must mesh. That’s the steepest challenge. Even after the right mixture is found, each man or woman in the boat must recognize his or her place in the fabric of the crew, accept it, and accept the others as they are. It is an exquisite thing when it all comes together in just the right way.”

Teamwork is not limited to sports competition. It is hard to find any accomplishment in life that is the result of an individual acting alone. Whether it is an assembly line manufacturing automobiles, consummating a business transaction, or filming a movie with recognized stars, none of us can accomplish much by ourselves. Someone said it this way: “One man who works with you is worth a dozen men who work for you.” Watch the launch scene from the movie, Apollo 13[iii] (in honor of my fellow Bill Paxton, who recently died at a far too young age) and notice how many different teams were required for the successful launch. If any one of those teams gave the “no go,” the mission would have been aborted:

Of course, the real story of Apollo 13 takes place after disaster strikes. We all know the famous line from the movie, “Houston, we have a problem.” The spacecraft undergoes massive damage from an explosion of an oxygen tank, and NASA must figure out how to get the astronauts safely back to earth. The true measure of any team, whether in sports, government or business, is how it performs under pressure – when things do not go as expected. And in life, few things go as planned. Fortunately, NASA was equal to the task and the astronauts ultimately returned safely to earth. Here is just one of the many scenes of the technical crew and astronauts working together to accomplish a needed task:

Defiance[iv] is the true story of the four Bielski brothers, who, during World War II, help a large group of Polish Jews escape from the Nazis. Here is one of my favorite scenes, emphasizing, in the words of Helen Keller, “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much,” even impossible tasks:

Unfortunately, even when we work as a team, sometimes our goals are not accomplished; we lose despite our best efforts. Manufactured goods sometimes have defects; deals sometimes don’t close; even great actors and the movie industry’s finest technicians sometimes make bad movies. As this scene illustrates from Friday Night Lights,[v] the story of the Permian Panthers’ quest for a Texas high school championship (I had to get a sports clip in here somewhere!), there is nothing harder than doing your best, but still experiencing “the agony of defeat.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHJVJ_MEyQI&spfreload=10

My son’s Cinderella high school basketball team met with a similar fate. Although the state championship game was tied at halftime, their opponents were two big, too fast, and too skilled, and my son’s team ultimately lost by six points. As I talked to some of the players after the game, as they choked back the tears, they told me the tears were less about losing and more about realizing their magical run was over – that they would no longer be part of a well running team that played better, bigger and with more heart than their individual skill levels gave them the right to.

May we all have such an experience, whether in sports, work or our other personal relationships, as we swallow our egos, recognize, utilize, adapt to and appreciate the abilities of others, and, working together, accomplish something great.

[i] Hoosiers

• Production Co.: De Haven Productions
• Director: David Anspaugh
• Writers: Angelo Pizzo
• Stars: Gene Hackman, Barbara Hershey and Dennis Hopper
• Release date: February 27, 1987

[ii] The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown, Penguin Books, pp. 177-79 (2013)

[iii]Apollo 13

• Production Co.: Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment
• Director: Ron Howard
• Writers: William Broyles Jr. and A Reinert (based on the book by Jim Lovell and Jeffrey Kluger)
• Stars: Tom Hanks, Bill Paxton, Kevin Bacon and Ed Harris
• Release date: June 30, 1995

[iv] Defiance

• Production Co.: Paramount Vantage, Grosvenor Park Productions, Bedford Falls Company
• Director: Edward Zwick
• Writers: Clayton Frohman and Edward Zwick
• Stars: Daniel Craig, Live Schreiber, Jamie Bell
• Release date: January 16, 2009

[v] Friday Night Lights

• Production Co.: Universal Studios
• Director: Peter Berg
• Writers: David Aaron Cohen (based on the book by Buzz Bissinger)
• Stars: Billy Bob Thorton, Jay Hernandez, Derek Luke and Connie Britton
• Release date: October 8, 2004

I never thought I would be a day counter. You know, someone who marks days off the calendar as they wait for some big event to occur. Well, I’ve become one. As of today, I have only 336 days left until I become retirement eligible. That’s not to say I will immediately retire then, but at least at that point I can retire without losing certain benefits, and can then adopt my friend’s philosophy: I will continue to work until I have two bad days in a row. If things stay the way they are now, that will take probably no more than three days.

In our fast-paced world of instant everything and miniscule attention spans, showing patience is a lost art – but a sometimes needed one, often because we don’t have a choice. Years ago, Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel conducted an experiment with four year-old to six year-old children. He offered the children a marshmallow, but if they could wait until he returned 15 minutes later, he would give them two marshmallows. Some children ate the treat immediately. Most could wait a little while, but not even close to the fifteen-minute requirement. Only about a third of the kids could wait for the extra treat. Even more interesting, those children who could wait ended up, in their later years, having higher SAT scores, higher education attainment, lower body mass indexes, better relationships with others, and generally fewer personal problems.

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption.[i] It is a movie that teaches us many things, including patience. Andy Dufresne is a successful banker who is sentenced to two consecutive life sentences at the Shawshank State Penitentiary for the murder of his wife and her lover. The only problem is he didn’t commit the crime. Knowing he is innocent, how does Andy find any satisfaction living in prison with two life sentences hanging over him? He makes the best of his circumstances, keeping a long-term, bigger picture perspective, while finding whatever joy he can in the moment – like enjoying a moment of opera (as narrated by his best friend in prison, Red):

Many years ago I worked at a job I hated. I hated it to the point I was an eyelash away from giving up the practice of law entirely and trying something – anything – different. A friend, who knew of my struggles, came to me and said, “I am going to make you the object of my prayers. I am going to pray for you every day until you find a new job.” I was humbled. Why would anyone do this for me, particularly day after day? I also knew this woman was very spiritual, and if God would listen to anyone, He would listen to her. She then avoided me for several weeks. I didn’t press it, thinking maybe she had changed her mind. Finally, she came to me and said, “I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be getting a new job soon. God has told me there were still some things you need to learn here.”

That was not the answer I wanted to hear. But I gutted out the job for another couple of years – until my boss fired me because I was unwilling to relocate to Yemen (yes, the Yemen in the Middle East that is a haven for terrorists). But I learned from that. I learned empathy for others who had lost jobs, realizing it isn’t always bad performers who get let go. I also learned, while unemployed, to better distinguish the difference between wants and needs. After six months of unemployment, I found a job with a small international oil and gas company but learned quickly I didn’t really enjoy international oil and gas law. And then things started to change. I found a new job at a small company where I was the only attorney. There, I experienced projects that helped me become more than just an oil and gas lawyer. And then I found my dream job. Looking back, I realized I had to go through several years of learning experiences to be ready for the job I ultimately wanted, and was now trained for. Unfortunately, my dream job only lasted about three years before a takeover started to change things again. And now I’m counting the days until I’m retirement eligible – but still learning valuable lessons, including more patience.

For Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, every time things started to get better for him, something bad would happen. But he remained patient, always making the best of one bad situation after another until one day this happens:

It took Andy Dufresne almost 20 years to find freedom, a handful of dirt and clay at a time. Here is how he did it:

But tunneling through the walls of Shawshank was only half the battle. The other half didn’t take twenty years, but might have been just as hard.

Forrest Gump reminds us that shit happens. As life dumps on us (as it always does), let’s remember, as Red might say, we must crawl through a river of shit until we come out clean on the other side. So how do we learn to be patient? I’m not really an expert, but here are a few ideas:

• Remember that life is really a series of stimuli and our reactions to those stimuli. If we can lengthen the gap between a stimulus and our reaction to it, our reactions will be more appropriate and well thought out.
• Keep a long term perspective, but enjoy the journey. Even in the middle of being dumped on by life, we can find moments of joy and learning.
• Remember that life is constantly changing. Like the weather, if you don’t like where you are in life, wait awhile; things will change.
• Finally, don’t think of things that happen to you as either good or bad, it’s just life. And as Red and Andy would say, “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

I hope we all choose living.

___________________________

[i] The Shawshank Redemption

• Production Co.: Castle Rock Entertainment
• Director: Frank Darabont
• Writers: Frank Darabont (based on the short story by Stephen King)
• Stars: Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman and Bob Gunton
• Release date: October 14, 1994

Each of us is made up of two parts: our DNA and our experiences. And our experiences really consist of what others do to (or for) us, and what we do to (or for) others (including ourselves). Unfortunately, we can’t control our DNA; we come pre-wired. But we can control our experiences, or at least how we react to them.

I believe everyone should write their own personal history (someday I’ll even write mine!), not because others will clamor to read it, but because our individual history (our experiences) has shaped who we are. The better we understand our history, the better we will understand ourselves. As I think about my own experiences, I have realized there are three small sentences that I should have spoken much, much more than I have: “Thank you.” “I’m sorry.” “I forgive you.” Of course, we say “thank you” in response to what others do for us. For most of us, that’s a natural reaction when someone does something for us. But it’s not always easy to say “I forgive you” when someone does something to us, or “I’m sorry” when we do something to someone else. In fact, often we don’t apologize because we don’t even know we have offended or otherwise hurt or embarrassed another person. We remain in our own world, oblivious to what we have done, while the persons we hurt are left to plan out their hateful revenge, or perhaps worse, turn that hatred inward upon themselves, as Willie did in this scene from Gridiron Gang[i]:

Who knew such wisdom could come from the Rock! By failing to forgive, we give those who hurt us too much power over us. We need to forgive and move on.

Many years ago I had an interesting experience. I was playing in a church basketball league, and being more competitive than most, I trash-talked about the best player (who was also a friend) on the team we were scheduled to play next. I told another player on that team that their best player (my friend) had no shot (or words to that effect) – that if we locked him in the gym for a week the only way he would make a basket is if he jumped through the hoop while holding the basketball (he was a former collegiate volleyball player and proved wrong the stereotype that white men can’t jump). It was all in good fun – or at least that’s what I thought. Several days later, this player approached me in private and said, “I’m not quite sure what I said or did to make you not like me, but whatever it is, I’m sorry.” At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then it hit me. The person I had trash-talked with (all in good fun at least on my part) had gone to this man and told him in all seriousness what I had said. Some friend I was. I immediately felt terrible. I assured him that I didn’t really mean it – I was just having fun (although apparently at his expense) and apologized profusely. That experience taught me two great lessons. Obviously, if you are going to joke about someone’s looks, abilities, etc., don’t do it behind their back. And if you do it to their face, make sure they know you are just joking (although even doing it to their face shows a certain lack of common sense). More importantly, I learned that if someone offends you (assuming you can’t just let it go), rather than let it fester into hatred and revenge, go to that person and talk through it. Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Said another way, the most important thing is, not what someone may do to you, but how you respond to what they do to you. I love what Oscar Wilde said: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them as much.” Seriously, we need to forgive others, not because of what it might do to help those who have hurt us, but because of what forgiving others does for us. It is liberating. One of my favorite movie quotes is from The Light Between Oceans.[ii] One of the characters, when asked how he always remains happy, regardless of what life throws at him, replies, “I choose to [be happy]. I can leave myself to rot in the past, spend my time hating people for what happened … or I can forgive and forget.” When pressed further, he adds, “It is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things. I would have to make a list, a very, very long list, and make sure I hated the people on it.” Hate lists reminds me of this scene from Billy Madison[iii]:

Perhaps we don’t keep an actual “People I Need to Kill” list, but often we keep mental lists of those we hope bad things happen to, even if we aren’t willing to inflict the hurt ourselves. I love this scene from The Interpreter,[iv] as Nicole Kidman explains the tradition an African tribe uses to end grieving by forgiving.

Let’s have the courage and strength to forgive everyone that does something to us, by doing something for them – forgiving them and perhaps even more. They will be happier, and more importantly, so will we.

[i] Gridiron Gang

• Production Company: Sony Pictures
• Director: Phil Joanou
• Screenwriter: Jeff Maguire and Jac Flanders
• Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Xzibit, L. Scott Caldwell
• Release date: September 15, 2006

[ii] The Light Between Oceans

• Production Company: Heyday Films, LBO Productions, Dreamworks
• Director: Derek Cianfrance
• Screenwriter: Derek Cianfrance (based on the novel by M.L. Stedman)
• Starring: Michael Fassbender, Alicia Vikander, Rachel Weisz
• Release date: September 2, 2016

[iii] Billy Madison

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Robert Simonds Productions
• Director: Tamra Davis
• Screenwriter: Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler
• Starring: Adam Sandler, Darren McGavin, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras
• Release date: February 10, 1995

[iv] The Interpreter

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Working title Films, Misher Films
• Director: Sydney Pollack
• Screenwriter: Martin Stellman and Brian Ward
• Starring: Nicole Kidman, Sean Penn, Catherine Keener
• Release date: April 22, 2006

Years ago, a retired couple was enjoying a vacation in central California, visiting the man’s sister. While traveling the crowded freeways of California, the man changed lanes and nearly hit a car in that lane he had not seen (they call it a blind spot for a reason!). He tried to apologize by waving at the car behind him. The young man driving that car, however, looked angry and began tailgating the couple. Whether speeding up or slowing down, the car behind the couple stayed dangerously close. The tailgating continued for miles. The retired couple became concerned, then worried. They hoped the shelter of the underground parking lot of the man’s sister’s apartment would protect them, but the tailgating car followed them right into the parking garage. Prepared to be hurt or even killed, the retired man got out of his car and faced his pursuer. He apologized again, explaining he hadn’t seen the other man’s car. The other man, still angry and saying nothing, walked up to the retired man’s car, pried off one of the hubcaps, and with hubcap in hand, got back into his car and sped off.

What causes a young man to go miles out of his way to follow a couple in their 70s who changed lanes too close to him? The retired couple was my father-in-law and mother-in-law. Later, they were able to laugh at the experience, but it was no laughing matter for them as they went through it. I have often wondered what the young man did with that hubcap. Did he hang it on the wall of his bedroom, a trophy of his courage and conquest? More importantly, what possesses any of us to one-up those around us for any and often no reason? Why is it so hard for us to learn the time spent in getting even is better used in getting ahead?

I get it. Whether playing sports as a youth, or even now playing board games with the family, I hate to lose, and the taste of winning is never so sweet as when, once beaten, I come back to trounce my opponent the next time. In truth, we all get it. We savor getting back at someone who has taken advantage of us (at least as we perceive it) or beaten us, whether it is in sports, games, business or politics – or even getting home faster than the car next to us.

Hollywood apparently gets it as well. On Wikipedia, I searched “movies about revenge” and the results listed over 200 movies, and I suspect there are even more than that. In my own lifetime, at least 10 of the Oscar winners for best picture arguably were movies having a major plot line about getting even.

It should not surprise us that revenge movies are so popular, as there is something innate in all of us that demands justice. A farmer might describe this as you reap what you sow; I scientist might say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; a businessperson might follow the mantra, I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine. Even criminals often live by this same rule. In the opening scene of The Godfather,[i] a fellow Italian asks Don Corleone for a favor. He wants the Corleone “family” to avenge an attack upon his daughter, who was beaten by her boyfriend and another young man. These attackers were arrested but given a suspended sentence, and so the father wants justice – inflicted by the family – since the law wouldn’t do it. But Corleone wants something in return:

As Jonathan Haidt explains it in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis,[ii] even though we never have been part of a crime syndicate, we understand instantly this complex interaction. We understand why the father wants retaliation against the young men, and why Don Corleone initially refuses to do it. We understand the importance of cultivating the right relationships, and why, accepting Corleone’s gift, the father must now be a part of Corleone’s extended family with an obligation, at some point, to return the favor. Haidt goes on to explain that reciprocity, as he calls it, is our social currency, and one of the main things that separates us from lower animals. He uses as a simple example a study conducted at Arizona State University where a psychologist sent Christmas cards to people at random that didn’t even know him. The great majority sent him a card in return. In short, “people have a mindless, automatic reciprocity reflex.”

This natural reciprocity reflex in us requires justice. We believe in karma. If someone does something to us, we expect the perpetrators to get what’s coming to them, and if the law won’t (or can’t) do it for us, then we’ll do it ourselves (which generally feels better to us anyway). As you watch the opening scene of a movie like True Grit,[iii] you immediately get invested in the quest that justice be done:

We reflectively nod our heads when Mattie tells us “you must pay for everything in this world, one way or another.” We, along with Mattie, feel satisfied when her father’s murderer, Tom Chaney, is killed. But there is a twist in the movie we can learn from. Often there are unintended consequences when we expend great energy to get even. Here is the closing scene of the movie (don’t feel like you need to watch all the closing credits!)

The recoil from the gun Mattie fires to kill Chaney knocks her into a pit of rattlesnakes. As the last scene shows us, most of Mattie’s arm had to be amputated due to gangrene resulting from a snake bite – an unintended consequence of her getting even for the murder of her father. I have heard it told this way. If you get bit by a rattlesnake, you have two choices. You can use all your energies to pursue and kill the snake that bit you, or you can use that same energy to get medical help. Getting even with the snake may feel gratifying; but getting medical attention may save your life.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I believe in justice. Without justice, our world would be chaos. But I also believe in forgiveness and mercy. And knowing when to apply one over the other requires true grit – and true wisdom. Before we retaliate, let’s consider the motivations behind the perpetrator before we seek revenge. Was it an accident? Was there some other, justifiable reason for the perpetrator’s actions? Are there others more capable than we are of obtaining justice? Does the punishment fit the crime? Will getting even do us more harm than the “good” we inflict by seeking retribution? I love this scene from Schindler’s List,[iv] which answers the question of what is power, but also gives us some guidance in determining the appropriateness of either justice, mercy, or even a combination of the two:

In the final analysis, although different circumstances may require different responses, I believe generally we are better off cultivating cooperative relationships where we return favor for favor, rather than avenging others with an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, mentality. If we would be better off building that kind of social network, the entire world just might be better off as well. So send Christmas cards to people you don’t know, say hello to people you pass on the street, open your wallet to the beggar on the corner – and let good karma do the rest.

[i] The Godfather

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures; Alfran Productions
• Director: Francis Ford Coppola
• Screenwriter: Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola
• Starring: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino and James Caan
• Release date: April 4, 1997

[ii] Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis, Basic Books (2006)

[iii]True Grit

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures, Skydance Media, Scott Rudin Productions
• Director: Ethan Coen and Joel Coen
• Screenwriter: Ethan Coen and Joel Coen (based on the novel by Charles Portis)
• Starring: Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Hailee Steinfeld
• Release date: December 22, 2010

[iv] Schlinder’s List

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Steven Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Steven Zaillian (based on the book by Thomas Keneally
• Starring: Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Ben Kingsley
• Release date: February 4, 1997

Lately I have thought a lot about my career as a lawyer and about my life in general. Getting old(er) will make you do that. I have reminisced on my accomplishments, and yes, my failures, realizing I learned much more from my failures than my successes. But I have also thought a lot about the “what ifs” of my life. My becoming an in-house oil and gas lawyer, for example, was largely a matter of chance (actually two matters of chance) – or destiny, as Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire would say. In hindsight, becoming a lawyer was a great career move for me. I’m good at logic and analyzing problems and alternative solutions. I can see both sides of an issue. And I’m a decent writer. But I didn’t grow up dreaming of negotiating and drafting billion dollar deals. Like many of us, when I was young, I dreamt of what I saw as more exciting careers – first of being a professional athlete, then a star on Broadway, then a stand-up comic (you can stop laughing now). I should have been one of the people in this scene from Mr. Deeds[i]:

Perhaps that’s why the new movie, La La Land[ii], resonated with me. It’s the story of an aspiring actress and a jazz musician trying to make their dreams come true. The highlight for me was Mia’s (Emma Stone) audition where she sings:

• A bit of madness is key
• To give us new colors to see
• Who knows where it will lead us?
• And that’s why they need us
• So bring on the rebels
• The ripples from pebbles
• The painters, and poets and plays
• And here’s to the fools who dream
• Crazy as they may seem
• Here’s to the hearts that break
• Here’s to the mess we make

One of my favorite movie scenes about dreaming to do something great is this clip from Dead Poet’s Society[iii] where Mr. Keating (Robin Williams) asks his students, “What will your verse be?”

I believe each of us hopes, either outwardly or secretly, that our own particular verse of life will be remembered by others and rewarding to ourselves.

A significant factor regarding our happiness in life is our work (and I include stay-at-home parents, in that term, as that might be one of the hardest jobs of all). Those people who love their jobs tend to be happier, which only makes sense since we spend so much time at it.

Jonathan Haidt, in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis[iv], notes that we have a basic desire to make things happen. Psychologists call this desire a need for competence, industry and mastery. This often results in getting more pleasure from making progress toward our goals than actually achieving them. In short, the journey can be more important than the destination. In 1964, two sociologists surveyed 3,100 American men about their jobs. The men most satisfied with their jobs were those who had more latitude in deciding how to do their jobs. In other words, if we are given a goal and then left to ourselves to determine how to reach that goal, we will be happier. Haidt summarizes recent research in this area, concluding that most people approach their work in one of three ways: as a job, as a career or as a calling. If you see your work as a job, you do it just for the money.  You constantly watch the clock and dream of the weekend. If you see your work as a career, you have larger goals of advancement, promotion and prestige. You sometimes even work late or take work home with you, yet at times you wonder why you work so hard. If your work is a calling, you find your work fulfilling, and contributing to a greater good. You would continue working, even without pay, if you suddenly became very wealthy.

So how do we find something to do that can become our calling? First, we need to determine what we like and what we are good at. Regardless of what stage in life you’re in, try taking a test or two that can help you determine your aptitudes. Then tailor your work in a way that allows you to use those strengths every day, in an environment that allows you to be self-directed. I realize a boss or two might stand in your way, but I think there are at least some subtle things we can do. As Barry Schwartz points out in one of his TED talks[v], hospital custodians, whose official job descriptions were lists of menial cleaning tasks, without any interaction with another person (at least according to the job descriptions), can find ways to make their jobs fulfilling. They did it by going beyond the formal job descriptions to do things that mattered to others.

I have found there are two equal factors that determine our happiness at work. We need to like what we do. But equally important is enjoying the people we work with. I have had jobs that I loved and jobs that I hated, where the nature of the work was the same. The difference? The jobs I loved were those where I loved the people I worked with. So if you are a boss, do what you can to make those working for you enjoy what they are doing. A happy employee is generally a more productive and creative one.

But all this sounds much easier than it is. Even if you find that thing you’re passionate about, how do you turn it into a career? For example, as a teenager, I loved basketball, but the odds of a high school basketball player making it to the NBA are roughly one in 30,000. And no matter how much I practiced (and I practiced a lot!), I am just not tall enough, quick enough, or athletic enough to make it.

I found the movie, Florence Foster Jenkins,[vi] not only funny but thought provoking. It’s the story of a wealthy New York socialite who loves to sing but can’t, and doesn’t realize it. As Florence’s (Meryl Streep) accompanist points out in this scene, sometimes practice is just not enough:

And what of Florence’s husband, St. Clair Bayfield (Hugh Grant). When we love someone, how willing are we to tell the truth – at least directly enough so the person understands what we really are trying to say? How do we balance reality with not hurting someone’s feelings:

Even more offensive to me were the other people surrounding Florence who encouraged her, despite her lack of talent, merely because she was so generous to their various charities.

Let’s increase our happiness by finding ways to make our work more satisfying – even if that includes things not technically part of our job description. But let’s also show true love to those we care about, by encouraging them to realize their dreams, coupled with a healthy dose of reality.

_______________________________

[i] Mr. Deeds

• Production Co.: Columbia Pictures, New Line Cinema, Happy Madison Productions
• Director: Steven Brill
• Writers: Clarence Budington Kelland, Robert Risken, and Tim Herlihy
• Stars: Adam Sandler, Winona Ryder, and John Turturro
• Release date: June 28, 2002

[ii] La La Land

• Production Co.: Black Label Media, Gilbert Films, and Imposter Pictures
• Director: Damien Chazelle
• Writer: Damien Chazelle (Justin Hurwitz, music)
• Stars: Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone
• Release date: December 25, 2016

[iii] Dead Poets Society

• Production Co.: Touchstone Pictures, Silver Screen Partners IV, A Steven Halt Production
• Director: Peter Weir
• Writer: Tom Schulman
• Stars: Robin Williams, Robert Sean Leonard, and Ethan Hawke
• Release date: June 9, 1989

[iv] Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis, Basic Books, (2006)

[v] See, Barry Schwartz, “Our Loss of Wisdom,” TED Talk, February 16, 2009

[vi] Florence Foster Jenkins

• Production Co.: Qerty Films, Pathé Pictures, and BBC Films
• Director: Stephen Frears
• Writer: Nicholas Martin
• Stars: Meryl Streep, Hugh Grant and Simon Helberg
• Release date: August 12, 2016

I wonder what Jesus would think of Christmas in 2016 in America. We have gone from reverent worship by a handful of shepherds to a merchandising miracle. My family is no different than most America’s families (although I realize there are many who have little – at least on a material basis – to enjoy at Christmas). My wife and I say each year we are not going to do much for Christmas, but when we finally finish all the wrapping, there is not nearly enough room under the tree for all the presents. I have a large family (five kids with four spouses and 14 grandchildren), so it doesn’t take much for the presents to pile up. But I have learned over the years that the more we get, the less we appreciate each gift. This year especially I noticed that many of our grandkids (those four to six years old) had more fun unwrapping the presents than enjoying what was inside. I almost agree with the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas* that, with so many gifts soon ending up in the garbage, what we keep doing is stupid, stupid, stupid:

Seeing the haul everyone took home from our extended family celebration two days before Christmas, and then visiting our adult kids homes’ on Christmas day, reminded me of how fortunate we are to live in America with its wealth compared to most of the rest of the world – although prosperity brings its own set of problems. Several years back David J. Smith wrote a children’s book in which he took the world’s population and reduced it to 100 people, but kept all the demographic ratios in place. Various websites have taken that idea and tried to keep the statistics current. If the entire world’s population were reduced to only one hundred people, the demographics would look like this:

• 61 of the villagers would be Asian (20 Chinese, 17 Indian and 24 other Asians), 13 would be African, 12 would be European, 9 would be Latin Americans, and five would be American and Canadian. None would be Australian.
• 50 would be male and 50 would be female. 27 would be under 15 years of age and 7 would be over 64 years old.
• 75 would be non-white.
• 33 would be Christian, 20 would be Muslim, 13 would be Hindu, 6 would be Buddhists, 2 would be atheists, 12 would claim not religious affiliation, and 14 would be members of other religions.
• 80 would live in substandard housing.
• At least 18 would be unable to read or write, but 33 would have cell phones.
• 50 would be malnourished and one would be dying of starvation.
• 33 would be without access to a safe water supply.
• 39 would lack access to improved sanitation
• 24 would not have any electricity, and of the 76 who had electricity, most would use it only for a light at night.
• Only 16 would have access to the Internet.
• One would have a college education.
• Two would be near birth; one would be near death.
• Five would control 32 percent of the entire world’s wealth; all five of those would be US citizens. Only 18 would have cars.
• One would have aids, 26 would smoke, and 14 would be obese.
• 48 would live on less than $2 a day.
• 20 would live on less than $1 a day.

But even in America, the inequality of wealth can be alarming. For example, in 2010, the top 400 richest people in America owned more wealth than the bottom 150 million Americans put together. To learn more about wealth in America, I recommend Inequality for All** which discusses in detail the inequality of wealth in America, and Happy*** which discusses, it part, how wealth affects (or does not affect) our levels of happiness.

Christmas was especially hard for me this year, as I spent long hours, including many weekends during the last three months of the year, working on a large transaction for my employer. It has reminded me once again that, even on my best days at work, my greatest accomplishment is to help the corporation make more money. That is not necessarily bad. I realize it’s the pursuit of money that makes the economy (and therefore the world) go ‘round, or as Gordon Gecko would say in Wall Street****, “Greed is good.

But how many Christmas presents are enough? Is greed really good when it destroys relationships and even lives? As we learned from the documentary, Happy, we need enough money to cover our basic needs, but after that, adding to our collection of things really doesn’t increase our happiness – although most of us think otherwise. Despite what Gordon Gecko says, it’s not all about bucks.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am grateful for a secure job that provides me more than enough income to satisfy my family’s needs. But with a good income, comes a responsibility. What can we, who have so much, do to instigate change in the inequality of wealth? I don’t believe the redistribution of wealth through taxation is the ultimate answer. Here are some of my New Year’s resolutions for the coming year:

• I will increase my charitable giving, and make it more effective. In reviewing my charitable donations this past year, I discovered that a large share of my contributions (about half) went to cultural arts organizations. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, as I believe good music, art and theater greatly adds to our quality of life. But unfortunately, many people can’t afford to enjoy them (e.g. Hamilton tickets costing over $600+ per ticket). This year, I intend to give more to organizations that help families meet their basic needs.
• I will focus my giving (both time and money) on organizations designed to help people help themselves. As the old saying goes, “Give a man a fish and you feed him a meal; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a life time.”
• I will give away old clothes, cars and furniture rather than sell them on Craig’s List.
• I will take care of my own first, by teaching my children (and grandchildren) the value of work and the importance of a good education that teaches practical skills.
• I will distribute wealth among my immediate and extended family by subsidizing housing, and making educational grants and low interest car and other loans, to those that need the help.
• Most importantly, I will not judge others based on their economic status. It is not my place to determine whether someone “deserves” to go hungry.

There are many other things we can do as well. And step one is to realize what we have, and what many others do not.

In closing, I hope we all can realize, like the Grinch, that Christmas doesn’t come from a store.

As we start this new year, let’s remember that people are more important than things, and that no one should have to go to bed hungry. And also like the Grinch, if we can do that, maybe our hearts will grow three sizes as well.

*How the Grinch Stole Christmas

• Production: Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment
• Directed: Ron Howard
• Screenplay: Jeffrey Price (based on the book by Dr. Seuss)
• Starring: Jim Carrey and Taylor Momsen
• Release Date: November 17, 2000

**Inequality for All

• Production: 72 Productions
• Directed: Jacob Kornbluth
• Screenplay: Documentary
• Starring: Robert Reich
• Release Date: September 27, 2013

***Happy

• Production: Emotional Content, Iris Films and Wadi Rum Films, Inc.
• Directed: Roko Bellic
• Screenplay: Roko Bellic
• Starring: Anne Blechsgaard, Gregory Burns and Roy Blanchard
• Release Date: July 3, 2013

****Wall Street

• Production: Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, American Entertainment Partners, L.P.
• Directed: Oliver Stone
• Screenplay: Stanley Weiser and Oliver Stone
• Starring: Charlie Sheen, Michael Douglas, and Tamara Tunie
• Release Date: December 11, 1987

Over two thousand years ago, a heavenly choir gathered to perform one of the most exciting concerts ever. It was an outdoor performance to only a select few – a handful of shepherds and their flocks in the hills outside of Bethlehem. The message of the music was simple: “Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace, good will toward men.” (Luke 2:14.)

Of course, the choir was there to help announce the birth of the one who many now call the Savior. And His message is one of peace. Shortly before His crucifixion, He said to His apostles, “Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.” (John 14:27.)

But where is that peace today? All around us we see, hear and often live just the opposite. War, murder, road rage, contention, violence, distrust, revenge, anger, death, destruction, anguish, brutality, bullying, abuse, despair, sorrow, shattered hopes, heartache, disappointment, hatred.  These are not just words we know; we often live them – whether we want to or not.

I remember as a young boy, sitting in church this time of year, singing the carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. The chorister abruptly ended the song after the third verse:

• And in despair I bowed my head
• There is no peace on earth I said
• For hate is strong and mocks the song
• Of peace on earth goodwill to men

I remember thinking, what kind of Christmas carol is that? But I’m older now, and perhaps a little wiser. I admit, with the news each day filled with violence, hatred and tragedy, I often feel the same way as Longfellow did.

World peace is on the Christmas wish list of many. We hope that world leaders, through treaties, cease fires, pacts and other agreements, will bring us peace. Ironically, world peace really begins with each of us individually. If each individual, regardless of belief or religion, could radiate the true spirit of Christmas, then every home would radiate peace. A thousand such homes would build a truly peaceful city, and a thousand such cities would bring the beginning of peace on earth for everyone.

So what keeps us from experiencing peace? Often is it because we let anger get the best of us – even when we feel we are justified.  As Halifax said, “Anger is seldom without an argument, but seldom with a good one.” I have always loved this clip from Happy Gilmore*:

It usually takes two people to make one of them angry. Often, our anger arises from a simple misunderstanding. We don’t hear something correctly, or the story changes as it goes from person to person. Or as we lawyers like to say, we assume facts not in evidence. Speaking of lawyers, enjoy this clip from Erin Brockovich**:

Often our anger emanates from a desire to get even, a desire for revenge, which King Arthur, in the movie, Camelot, calls “the most worthless of causes.” But revenge is like biting a dog because the dog bit you. Or as the movie, Seabiscuit*** illustrates, the time spent getting even is much better used getting ahead:

Often, the acts of violence we experience are the result of one person exercising power and control over us. The victims of domestic abuse, rape and bullying feel helpless under the power and control of the perpetrator. Even those in war are often the “victims” of their superior officers. But studies have shown, for example, that if even one person stands up to a bully, the bullying will stop. As Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” I love this scene from Eye in the Sky**** showing how, even in the military, raising an issue can lead to a more peaceful solution:

An even better solution might be to follow the advice of the person whose birth we are celebrating: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44.) As this clip from The War***** illustrates, it really can be done:

With William Gladstone, I “look forward to the time when the power of love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.” As the carol says, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” This Christmas, let’s give some of the gifts suggested by someone I admire:

This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again. (Howard W. Hunter)

These are the truly special gifts we can give this holiday season. Happy holidays to all, and may you and yours enjoy peace.

*Happy Gilmore

• Production: Universal Pictures, Brillstein-Grey Enertainment and Robert Simonds Productions
• Directed: Dennis Dugan
• Screenplay: Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler
• Starring: Adam Sandler, Christopher McDonald and Jule Bowen
• Release Date: February 16, 1996

**Erin Brockovich

• Production: Universal Pictures, Columbia Pictures and Jersey Films
• Directed: Steven Soderbergh
• Screenplay: Susannah Grant
• Starring: Julia Roberts and Albert Finney
• Release Date: March 17, 2000

***Seabiscuit

• Production: Universal Pictures, DreamWorks, Spyglass Entertainment
• Directed: Gary Ross
• Screenplay: Gary Ross (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Toby Maguire, Jeff Bridges and Elizabeth Banks
• Release Date: July 25, 2003

****Eye in the Sky

• Production: Raindog Films, Entertainment One
• Directed: Gavin Hood
• Screenplay: Guy Hibbert
• Starring: Helen Mirren, Aaron Paul, Alan Rickman
• Release Date: March 11, 2016

*****The War

• Production: Island World
• Directed: Jon Avnet
• Screenplay: Kathy McWorter
• Starring: Elijah Wood, Kevin Costner, Mare Winningham
• Release Date: Noveber 4, 1994

The Psalmist of the Bible tells us, “Children are a heritage of the Lord…. Happy is the man that has his quiver full of them.” If ancient King David is anything like me, he grinned when he wrote that, for the thought of having a quiver-full of kids makes me, well, quiver. Providing a safe place for our children, and the food and clothing that go along with it, can be a terrifying responsibility. Even worse, raising a child to be a self-sufficient, functioning and productive member society can be overwhelming. Having had five children of my own, I have learned by my own experience the roller coaster ride that being a parent can be. My family has been the center of the greatest highs in my life; they have also been at the center of my deepest lows.

Most of us go into marriage and starting a family not fully appreciating the patience, kindness, long-suffering and wisdom raising children requires. The problem of being a parent is, by the time you are trained well enough to do the job effectively, you are essentially unemployed (although I realize you never stop being a parent, even after your kids leave home). And often, as we are in the middle of our on the job training, we feel like Allyson in Mom’s Night Out,* a total failure as a parent – that we just aren’t good enough. But we are. Although a bit preachy, I love the message of this clip:

My in-laws had six kids and a plaque on their wall that said, “Before I got married I had six different theories about raising children. Now I have six kids—and no theories.” My wife and I feel pretty much the same way. Although our five children have some similarities, there are also great differences among them. I sometimes wonder how five children, all raised in the same environment, can be so different. In short, our children come pre-wired. They have minds of their own. So I try to be philosophical. I’ve tried, as a parent, to teach them things I feel are important for them to succeed, but I try not to take the blame if they do things that I consider not to be so smart. But the opposite is also true. I don’t feel like I can take credit for any of the good things they do.

So in this post I won’t throw out any theories on how to best raise children; there are entire sections in libraries and bookstores that attempt to tackle that subject. Instead, let me share two simple truths about children:

Truth No. 1: As Arnold Glasow said it, “The best thing to spend on children is your time.” Or as my wife would say, “It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we’re together.” The movie, Chef** tells of how a father takes a road trip in a food truck to recapture his passion for cooking, but more importantly, to reconnect with his son by working together:

By playing together (just hanging out):

And by learning from each other:

And when it comes to all things technological, who better to learn from than our own children?

Truth No. 2: Love all your children all the time. When they need it, and when they deserve it. My children are far from perfect—just like their dad. I hope my children feel my love for them, even when they sometimes do what I consider to be foolish.

In Silver Linings Playbook,*** after a stint in a mental institution due to his bipolar disorder, adult son, Pat, moves back into his parents’ home.  In this, one of my favorite scenes from the movie, Pat’s father, tries to help his son, even though he’s not quite sure how. So he tries to connect through something they both have in common, a love of football:

The important thing is Pat, Sr. never gives up on his son.

A young woman once wrote about the continuous heartache her brother had caused her parents. He got involved in drugs. He resisted all efforts at control and discipline. He was deceitful and defiant. Ultimately, he got caught with drugs by the police and finally forced to face the consequences of his actions. For two years his parents supported her brother in his treatment program, both economically and morally, which ultimately brought about his eventual recovery from his addiction. In summary, this young woman wrote:

“I think my parents are extraordinary.  They never wavered in their love for [my brother], though they disagreed with and even hated what he was doing to himself and to their family life. But they were committed enough to their family to support [my brother] in any way necessary to get him through the tough times and onto more solid ground.”

So love your kids when they make you proud. But more importantly, love them when they don’t. And the corollary is just as important.  Don’t judge other parents by what their children may sometimes do.

Hopefully, you’ll find more highs than lows when it comes to your children. In the final analysis, I hope that you can agree with George Banks  in Father of the Bride Part II,**** that life doesn’t get any better than this:

Let’s tip our caps to all those parents and grandparents who spend time with their children or grandchildren, and love them regardless. And if you happen to have a parent or grandparent who exemplify these two truths, give thanks – especially to them.

*Mom’s Night Out

Production: Affirm Films, FourBoys Entertainment and Provident Films

Directed: Andrew Erwin and Jon Erwin

Screenplay: Jon Erwin and Andrea Nasfell

Starring: Sarah Drew, Sean Austin and Patricia Heaton

Release Date: May 9, 2014

**Chef

Production: Aldamisa Entertainment and Kilburn Media

Directed: Jon Favreau

Screenplay: Jon Favreau

Starring: Jon Favreau, Robert Downey, Jr. and Scarlett Johansson

Release Date:  May 30, 2014

***Silver Linings Playbook

Production: The Weinstein Company

Directed: David O. Russell

Screenplay: David O. Russell (based on the book by Matthew Quick

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert DeNiro

Release Date: November 16, 2012

****Father of the Bride Part II

Production: Sandollar Productions, Taylor-Made Productions and The Meyers/Shyer Company

Directed: Charles Shyer

Screenplay: Albert Hackett, Frances Goodrich, Nancy Meyers and Charles Shyer

Starring: Steve Martin, Diane Keaton and Martin Short

Release Date: December 8, 1995

Christmas comes earlier every year. Now we go right from Halloween (which becomes a bigger celebration each year) to Christmas decorations the next day (if not before). We don’t really even talk much about Thanksgiving, as everyone focuses on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and the great bargains we will pick up at the stores or online. Maybe Canadians have it right; they celebrate Thanksgiving in October before Halloween.

Since I love to eat, I love Thanksgiving. But it’s not just the food. I love the short work week. I love getting together with family. I love watching football. But best of all, I love to stop and think about, well, being thankful. It is something that most of us probably don’t do enough, especially since having gratitude is one of the best things we can do for own mental health.

Feeling gratitude is one sure way to make us happier. In fact, scientists have studied the effect feeling grateful has on the brain. Feeling grateful activates the brain stem that produces dopamine. Additionally, gratitude toward others increases activity in social dopamine circuits, which makes social interactions more enjoyable. One additional powerful effect of focusing on the positive aspects of your life increases serotonin production. In fact, just searching for something to be grateful for has this effect. In short, being grateful can have the same effect on your brain as Wellbutrin (which boosts dopamine) and Prozac (which boosts serotonin), without the side effects.

The loss of something we once had often intensifies our feelings of gratitude. Watch this clip from The Pianist,* the true story about a Polish Jewish musician trying to survive World War II. The gratitude nearly oozes from the screen as Wladyslaw Szpilman (the pianist) appreciates the simple gifts of bread and jam from a German officer, who in turn appreciates the beautiful music the pianist provides him. (You’ll have to copy and paste the link below into your browser.)

http://video.anyclip.com/movies/the-pianist/the-german-officer-brings-szpilman-food/

We can all be thankful for something. Even if you can’t pay your bills you can be thankful you’re not one of your own creditors! So how do we develop feelings of gratitude? Duh, by giving thanks! Whether you believe in God, the Force, or even just the greatness of the human spirit, each day we should stop and give thanks to whomever or whatever we believe in. And be specific. I love this short clip from The Fast and the Furious** where the car “dealers” say grace before their meal, expressing appreciation to the car gods for what they are thankful for.

Just as important, we should thank those around us that are special to us: our parents, our kids, our teachers, our friends. The great thing about thanking others is it uplifts both the person giving the thanks and person receiving the thanks. So let’s remember someone who helped us along the way, even if it were a long time ago, as these students do in The Emperor’s Club.***  Notice how important the thank yous are to the teacher as well as the students.

As the forgotten holiday approaches, let’s take a break from our Black Friday shopping to remember both Thanksgiving and giving thanks. Call a family member, send an email to a friend, mail a thank you card, give your mom or dad (or both!) a hug, and let each of them know how much you appreciate them. The time it will take will be small, but the rewards to both them and you will be enormous. Simply said, let’s get the entire world high on thanks, and avoid the warning of Harriet Beecher Stowe: “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

Let me start by saying how grateful I am for movies and the important lessons I have learned from them. And thank you for taking the time to read my posts and sometimes even sharing them with others.

____________________

*The Pianist

Production: R.P. Productions, Heritage Films and Studio Babelsberg

Directed: Roman Polanski

Screenplay: Ronald Harwood (based n the book by Wladyslaw Szpilman)

Starring: Adrien Brody, Thomas Kretschmann and Frank Finlay

Release Date: March 28, 2003

**The Fast and the Furious

Production: Universal Pictures, Original Film, MediaStream Film

Directed: Rob Cohen

Screenplay: Ken Li and Gary Scott Thompson

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Michelle Rodriguez

Release Date: June 22, 2001

***The Emperor’s Club

Production: Beacon Communications, Fine Line Features and Horsepower Films

Directed: Michael Hoffman

Screenplay: Ethan Canin and Neil Tolkin

Starring: Kevin Kline, Emile Hirsch and Joel Gretsch

Release Date: November 22, 2002