To kneel or not to kneel, that seems to be the question a lot of people are asking themselves lately. Taking a knee during the playing of the national anthem at NFL football games was started last year by Colin Kaepernick, then of the San Francisco 49ers, as a protest of police violence against African-Americans and other minorities. From all appearances, Kaepernick’s protest has backfired, as he is now out of a job and apparently unemployable, as the Tennessee Titans recently signed Brandon Weeden over Kaepernick as its back-up quarterback, even though the mobile Kaepernick seems much better suited to run the Titans’ offense than the relatively slow of foot, pocket-passing, Weeden. But perhaps the saddest thing of all for Kaepernick is the protest he started is now about respecting the American flag and the U.S. military. Kaepernick’s original goal of focusing the public on the issue of police violence against minorities is rarely even talked about any more. Instead, we have Twitter wars and the President and Vice President of the United States protesting the protests, and the NFL and its owners trying to tiptoe around both sides.

If each of us stops and thinks for a moment, we could come up with at least a handful of social injustices or other wrongs we would change if we thought we could. But we assume we can’t change anything, and so we do nothing. And as I learned from my own recent experience, even when we do try to influence an organization or people’s mindsets, our efforts are often squashed by those in authority.

This past month I have been mentally transported back to the turbulent 60s and 70s, and the social unrest that went with those decades of my youth. It started by me watching Ken Burns’ and Lynn Novick’s documentary, The Viet Nam War. It continued by me attending the anti-war, anti-establishment, free love musical, Hair, put on by the Dallas Theater Center. It continued further with me watching the recently released movie, The Battle of the Sexes.[i] There were plenty of protests in all three, although as history has shown, it took many years, and in some cases, lives lost, before change occurred, and some of those same battles are still being fought today.

Many movies have focused on righting wrongs and changing social injustices. While I could list dozens of these movies, in the interest of your time, here are just five favorites of mine, some new, some old, with scenes I especially enjoyed:

• Stand and Deliver[ii] – The true story of Jaime Escalante, who adopted unconventional teaching methods to help Hispanic gang members and no-hopers learn math:

• 42[iii] – The true story of Jackie Robinson, the first African-American to break the color barrier of major league baseball:

• Amazing Grace[iv] – The true story of William Wilberforce’s fight against England’s parliament and public indifference to end Britain’s transatlantic slave trade:

• Erin Brockovich[v] – The true story of an unemployed single mom who became a legal assistant and almost single-handedly brought down a California power company that had been polluting a city’s water supply:

• Battle of the Sexes – The true story of the 1973 tennis match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs, and the backstory of professional women tennis players’ fight for gender equality (you can stop watching after the first part, but the rest – the trailer for the movie – is quite entertaining):

Our hearts are warmed by the successful efforts of the heroes and heroines of these movies, but still we do little to change the world around us, whether it is in politics, religion, education, business or otherwise. Many of us have tried to change things by the ballot box, but as we have seen through the last several administrations, regardless of the political party, nothing of substance ever seems to get done, as politicians are too concerned with their images for their reelection campaigns to actually try to effectuate any meaningful change. The art of compromise has become a lost one, intelligent conversations of issues have become shouting matches, and those entering politics on any level with hopes of making a difference are soon frustrated and beaten-down, with little change to show for their efforts.

So how can we make a difference? With the help of these movie clips, I offer a few suggestions.

First, find a cause that you feel passionate about, in a realm small enough for you to influence. Jaime Escalante in Stand and Deliver did not set out to change all stereotypes of Hispanics. He focused on math (his passion), and determined to change one classroom in one school. But like ripples from a rock thrown in a pond, his influence on his students, and his students’ successes and their influences upon others, would spread over a larger area over time.

Second, use your particular talents to instigate change. Jackie Robinson in 42 let his baseball skills do his talking for him. As fellow players and fans saw his unique skills, they started to realize that race did not define a person’s ability. Granted, few of us in any area have the superior skills that Robinson had, but all of us are good at something, whether it is writing letters, organizing meetings, talking to strangers, donating time, raising money, or when all else fails, simply saying something when we see an injustice. The other beautiful thing about Jackie Robinson in 42 is, as his coaches and teammates got to know him, they began to see him as a person and not a face from a different race, which leads me to my next suggestion.

Third, help people empathize with your cause by giving them experiences with those you’re trying to help. In Amazing Grace, William Wilberforce didn’t just talk to others about the plight of African slaves, he took others to a slave ship where they could see the conditions in which the slaves were transported and, perhaps even more impactful, smell the smells of death of so many slaves that didn’t survive the journey. In my own experience, my positive feelings toward LGBTs intensified when one of my best friends came out as gay, and several daughters of good friends announced they were lesbians. It confirmed to me that regardless of sexual orientation, people are people and should be treated with love and respect and allowed to enjoy the same right and privileges the rest of us do.

Fourth, whatever you are trying to change, make sure you know as much as anyone on that subject. Research and analyze every point of view. In Erin Brockovich, Ms. Brockovich was able to out-negotiate the high-priced attorneys on the other side because she knew the facts better than anyone, and relayed those facts through real live persons. And a bit of polluted water didn’t hurt.

Fifth, sometimes you need to take a chance and be the change you want to see. Billy Jean King and her fellow women professionals did more than just bemoan the disparity in tournament prize money between men and women. They were willing to risk their livelihoods by walking away from the established system and start their own association. Instead of just complaining about the current system, they became the solution.

Someone once said, if no one is complaining about your ideas, you are either brilliant or the boss. Most of us are neither brilliant (or at least few acknowledge our brilliance) nor the boss. We are not like those good shepherds whom the sheep naturally love and will follow anywhere. Instead, most of us are like cattle herders. If we get too far out in front of the herd, the cattle scatter in all directions behind us. So to get the cattle to go where we want them to go, we must work the edges of the herd and patiently steer them in the desired direction. It is tireless work, but the rewards can be great.

Let’s all find a cause we can believe in, even if it is as simple as making our homes and neighborhoods places of love, respect and safety. Rather than just take a knee in protest, let’s be part of the solution.

[i] Battle of the Sexes

• Production Company: Cloud Eight Films, Decibel Films, Fox Searchlight Films
• Directors: Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris
• Screenwriter: Simon Beaufoy
• Starring: Emma Stone and Steve Carell
• Release date: September 29, 2017

[ii] Stand and Deliver

• Production Company: American Playhouse, Olmos Productions, Warner Bros.
• Director: Ramon Menendez
• Screenwriter: Ramon Memendez, Tom Musca
• Starring: Edward James Olmos, Estelle Harris, Mark Phelan
• Release date: March 13, 1988

[iii] 42

• Production Company: Warner Bros., Legendary Entertainment
• Director: Brian Helgeland
• Screenwriter: Brian Helgeland
• Starring: Chadwick Boseman, T.R. Wright, Harrison Ford
• Release date: April 12, 2013

[iv] Amazing Grace

• Production Company: Bristol Bay Productions, Ingenious Film Partners, Sunflower Productions
• Director: Michael Apted
• Screenwriter: Steven Knight
• Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Albert Finney, Michael Gambon
• Release date: February 23, 2007

[v] Erin Brockovich

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Columbia Pictures, Jersey Films
• Director: Steven Soderbergh
• Screenwriter: Susannah Grant
• Starring: Julia Roberts, Albert Finney, David Brisbin
• Release date: March 17, 2000

Spoiler Alert!! This post contains a lot of personal information about me, so if you are one that does not appreciate true confessions, this post might not be for you. It is also a little longer than usual, although most of the clips are relatively short.

Someone once said only the good die young because only the young die good. During the past two weeks I have thought a lot about getting older. I guess I should be grateful that I worry about aging, because when you stop doing that, you’re dead. It all started when my weekend was ruined by a pain in my back. I thought I might have hurt it that morning exercising, but it turned out to be a kidney stone. I went to the emergency room for strong drugs (one of God’s greatest creations), but came home with the added bonus of pneumonia. Both ailments really wiped me out. Our counter looked like a pharmacy. I had no appetite, so I ate little, but still managed to gain four pounds. How is that even possible? After several days of this, I finally announced to my wife, that if this is how I am going to feel when I’m 80, please, God, let me die when I’m 79. To add to my glumness, during my recovery, we met with our financial planner, who focused on my upcoming retirement (a good thing!), but also making sure “our affairs were in order” when death ultimately comes (a depressing thing). That same night, we went home and watched the little known movie, The Last Word,[i] on Netflix.

The basic premise of The Last Word is Harriet, a retired businesswoman, decides to write her own obituary, and seeks the help of Anne, the local newspaper’s obituary writer. It is a tense relationship at the outset, as Anne explains, “She [Harriet] puts the bitch in obituary.” In this scene from the film, Harriet tries to tell Anne how to do her job by explaining to her what makes a good obituary:

As these elements of an obituary illustrate, a dull, useless person has either never existed or has never died. I don’t read obituaries often, but when I do, they typically tick off the accomplishments of the deceased, as if each one is a necessary building block of their mansion in heaven. I guess most people feel a little like Maximus in the movie, Gladiator[ii] – that we need to somehow leave a great legacy behind us – one that will “echo through eternity”:

If I were to write my own obituary, it would simply say, “He lived a relatively long and mostly happy life in which he loved his family and friends and felt their love in return. He learned a few lessons about life, saw some beautiful things, and had plenty of interesting experiences along the way. He died with the belief (but with little help from him) that the world he left was a little better than the world he entered.”

During this obituary obsession, I thought about two of my favorite movies about death. In the original Flatliners[iii](the remake was just released), five medical students try to learn what the afterlife is like by putting themselves in near-death experiences. But instead of learning about the next life, they learn more about this life, and the traumatic experiences that shaped their lives. In this scene (which is really a collage of several scenes), one student flatlines and discovers a young boy waiting for him that he had bullied growing up:

A less intense, but still thought-provoking movie of a similar vein is Heart and Souls[iv] where people who have died find themselves on a purgatory bus, with something they must resolve on earth before they are taken to heaven. Here is a scene where a mother is able to find her son that she gave up for adoption many years ago:

A few years back an Australian nurse wrote a book entitled, The Five Top Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departed.[v] You may find the regrets surprising. Here is a link to an article about the book:

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/03/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying_n_3640593.html

Are there things in our own lives that we regret, need to resolve or find out about before we die? I am basically satisfied with my life, but I do have a few regrets. In a rare state of vulnerability (and in an effort to avoid ghosts from the past), I am sharing with you my top five regrets of the dying and my plans for attempting to atone for those regrets:

Regret No.1: I wish I would have put more emphasis on wellness and less emphasis on right and wrong, particularly in connection with religion. Crazily, my favorite book in the Bible is Ecclesiastes. I mean, how many people have even read it other than the famous verses about a time for every purpose under heaven? Solomon is credited with writing both Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. As I read Proverbs, everything is black and white, good and bad. But things become more nuanced for Solomon by the time he writes Ecclesiastes. Truths are now shades of gray, and tempered by experience. I wish I had had a bit more of the Ecclesiastes outlook much earlier in life. I grew up in a religion that puts an emphasis on absolute truth, and the only sure way to get into heaven. Although I have never fully believed all that my religion taught me, I went along to get along. Our kids did not always see things the same way as that religion did, and although we were more liberal than most members of the religion, it led to disagreements and in some cases mild rebellion, as we drew certain lines in the sand that our children had better not cross. In hindsight, I wish I could have been more supportive of allowing our children to find their own truth and way in the world. While I think most of our now-adult children have gotten over some of that tension of the teenage and early adult years, I know there are still some scars that have not entirely healed.

Atonement No. 1: It is never too late to apologize for sometimes being too narrow minded, and to openly discuss with others how my actions might have affected them.

Regret No. 2: I wish, career-wise, I had been able to have done more to help the world and less to make rich people richer. I think I’m a good lawyer and have had great experiences doing many very large transactions. But no matter how well I handled those deals, the bottom line (pun intended) was to make rich people and companies even richer. I wish that somehow the work I did would have translated into easing economic disparity. The gap between the top one percent (especially the top of the top one percent) and the middle and lower classes continues to widen.

Atonement No. 2: Having been fairly good at making money, I have tried to be generous with it in an effort to help others in need, particularly extended family. I have worked hard the last ten years to develop a decent charitable giving account that I will use to help others, especially those that are hungry and homeless.

Regret No. 3: I wish I had bought fewer houses and taken more family vacations. I say this one with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. But I counted the number of houses and condos I have owned or still own, and the number is 22(!) including the home I am currently building (and a few rentals). Of course, I have relocated for work six times, which added to the number. But for whatever reason, a nice home was my psychological sign of success. In hindsight, I wish we had taken more family vacations and put a little less emphasis on having a nice home. The real culprit of our lack of vacations, though, was sports. All of our kids were heavily involved in youth sports and played something all year round and we felt like the teams were counting on our kids being to all the games. That commitment didn’t leave much time for family trips. While our kids enjoyed the sports, did very well at them, and learned some important things from playing them, looking back, those sports were not nearly as important as we thought they were at the time.

Atonement No. 3: It’s never too late to spend quality time with family and friends and I still have a few more years in which to enjoy a family vacation or two together.

Regret No. 4: I wish I had maintained better contact with friends and neighbors from the past> I have kept close to a few good friends, but there have been many good friends from my past that I have not had any contact with for many years.

Atonement No. 4: I joined Facebook for the first time a couple of years ago as a start of this atonement, but there is so much more I could (and will) do to catch up with lost friends from the past.

Regret No. 5: I wish I had danced more, read more, written more and learned to play the piano. In short, I wish I had taken more time to pursue personal interests. As a kid growing up, I though it would be cool to learn how to tap dance. But that was something little boys just didn’t do back then, so I never brought up the subject with my parents. I didn’t learn to enjoy reading until years after I got married and I say how much my wife read and how much she enjoyed it. And I didn’t start writing anything other than legal documents until about 15 years ago. I doubt I ever would have been able to make writing a career in and of itself, but since starting to write, I have learned  how therapeutic it can be, at least for me.

Atonement No. 5: I look at my upcoming retirement as a time to do some of these things. Although I might never become a tap dancer, it’s not too late to take a dance lesson or learn to play an instrument. I have a list of writing projects I intend to work on, and hopefully will have a lot more time to enjoy reading. I look forward to retirement for these reasons alone.

There is never a wrong time to take a few minutes to evaluate how we are doing in life. Are we happy? Do we have strong connections with family and friends or are there new or improved connections we need to foster? Are there new interests or talents we could be developing? Are there past offenses that need to be righted? Is there someone in need that we have the power to help? I hope each of us will take a few moments and go through such an evaluation, and repeat that evaluation often.

[i] The Last Word

• Production Company: Franklin Street, Myriad Pictures and Parkside Pictures
• Director: Mark Pellington
• Screenwriter: Stuart Ross Fink
• Starring: Shirley MacLaine and Amanda Seyfield
• Release date: March 5, 2017

[ii] Gladiator

• Production Company: Dreamworks, Universal Pictures, Scott Free Productions
• Director: Ridley Scott
• Screenwriter: David Franzoni
• Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix and Connie Nielsen
• Release date: May 5, 2000

[iii] Flatliners

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures, Stonebridge Entertainment
• Director: Joel Schumacher
• Screenwriter: Peter Filardi
• Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Keven Bacon and Julia Roberts
• Release date: August 10, 1990

[iv] Heart and Souls

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Alphaville Films, Stampede Entertainment
• Director: Ron Underwood
• Screenwriter: Gregory Hansen
• Starring: Robert Downey, Jr, Charles Grodin, Alfre Woodard
• Release date: August 13, 1993

[v] Bronnie Ware, The Five Top Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departed, copyrighted 2011, 2012.

The past two weeks have been hard ones for America (as well as Mexico and the Caribbean). We have been pounded by two monster hurricanes, and we just had the 16th anniversary of the tragedy of 9/11. I would never wish harm on anyone, but sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to realize (or remember) how resilient people can be. Whether done from survival instinct, fear or love, I am constantly amazed how ordinary people often do extraordinary things. And these past two weeks saw many examples of that.

If you are like me, you remember clearly where you were and what you were doing when you first heard the horrible news of the events of 9/11. I often still think about a fighter pilot, stationed in the Boston area, who was one of the first to be scrambled in response to the attacks on the twin towers. His job was to take out any other aircraft that might be a threat to America. He was up to the task. The only problem was the fighter had to take off before his plane could be armed. In other words, if he encountered an enemy plane (hijacked or otherwise), the only weapon he had was his own plane, which he would use as a self-guided missile to take down the enemy, thus giving up his own life to prevent the loss of many others. Fortunately, he didn’t have to make that suicide run, but he would have done it if he needed to. I wonder if I would have had the courage to do the same.

We have heard many stories about the courage of first responders: those firefighters, police and others who run toward the dangers the rest of us are fleeing from. Again, ordinary people doing extraordinary things. The movie, World Trade Center,[i] pays homage to the courage and dedication of the first responders to the attacks on 9/11 – 412 of whom died in trying to rescue others. While the movie focuses on Port Authority officers, the attitude and commitment of almost all first responders are similar to what we see in this clip:

These dedicated officers didn’t really understand what had just happened, and they realized saving anyone that high up in the towers was unlikely, but they had to try, regardless of the odds or the dangers to themselves.

We have come to expect the extraordinary from our first responders and military. But extraordinary courage and commitment are not limited to them. United 93[ii] tells the story of the passengers of United Flight 93, the fourth plane that was hijacked by terrorists on 9/11. We don’t know the exact destination of this hijacked plane, but it appears to have been another target in Washington, DC, perhaps even the White House. By using their cellphones, the passengers figured out what was going on and realized their fate. Determined to stop these hijackers, the passengers decided to change the course of history beginning with these now-immortal words, “Let’s roll.” While we don’t know exactly what happened at the end of the flight, here is the filmmakers’ take on it:

Everyday people became extraordinary heroes, giving their lives so others could continue theirs. Perhaps the bravery of these passengers saved the life of that Boston pilot.

First responders continued to do extraordinary things in Houston during the rain (pun intended) of terror of Hurricane Harvey. By the end of the fifth day after Harvey hit Houston, almost 52 inches of rain had fallen. In that same period, Houston’s first responders and the Coast Guard had saved over 3,500 people and 300 animals. There were 9,100 refugees at the George R. Brown convention center. But the first responders were overwhelmed. During Harvey, 911 operators received over 700 calls a day. A normal day would rarely see more than 14. But as often happens when tragedy strikes, ordinary people stepped up. We witnessed many examples of everyday heroes in Houston, where ordinary people gave extraordinary service to their families, neighbors, and often total strangers. These ordinary people doing extraordinary things never considered race, religion, political affiliation, economic class or any other way we often categorize or label each other. I was constantly moved to tears when I learned of these simple, yet extraordinary things:

• People standing in line, city blocks long, not for water, food, shelter or other handouts, but to volunteer to help with the rescue and relief efforts.
• People breaking into song at shelters, or playing the piano in knee-deep water, to lift others’ spirits.
• Bakers, trapped in their bakery, baking over a thousand loaves of Mexican bread to donate to flood victims.
• Neighbors creating human chains to help each other through the cascading currents of the flood waters.
• The Texas and Louisiana “navies,” using their personal flat-bottom boats, personal water craft, canoes and kayaks, to rescue hundreds of those trapped by the floods. A reporter asked a boat owner, launching his boat from a freeway exit ramp, what he intended to do. “Save some lives,” he nonchalantly answered, as if driving your boat down city streets was a normal, everyday occurrence. And saving lives is what they did.

Tragedy is often the catalyst to make bad people good and good people better. Oskar Schindler was not a particularly good person before World War II. He was an opportunistic industrialist who was primarily motivated by profit. But the war somehow changed him. Through initiative and dedication, he is credited with saving the lives of 1,200 Jews during the Holocaust. As illustrated by the movie, Schindler’s List,[iii] at the end of the war, he had only one regret:

During World War II, like Oskar Schlinder, many ordinary people did extraordinary things to help save lives, as this clip from The Zookeeper’s Wife[iv] illustrates (notice how many people are involved – people that we never hear much about if anything at all):

No one should hope for tragedy, but unfortunately it comes to all of us. It might not be a monumental hurricane or earthquake, a world war or other titanic event. But in everyone’s life, some rain must fall; we all must deal with something. How do we react when bad things happen? As Holocaust survivor, Vicktor Frankl, said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” the movie, Forrest Gump[v] taught us that shit happens. But it also taught us we can still find beauty in the middle of it, in this, my favorite scene from the movie:

There is no one more normal that Forrest Gump, but boy did he do extraordinary things. Thanks to the people of Houston, Florida, and other areas who also have done extraordinary things, and led us by their example of love and caring. My hope is that we can avoid tragedy in our lives. But being somewhat of a realist, my bigger hope is that each of us can somehow make it through the hard times we face, whether it be the loss of personal possessions, a job, or a loved one, or the loss of a “normal” life due to injury or illness. My biggest hope, though, is that we find hope, beauty and peace in the middle of our personal tragedies, and the awareness, love and concern to help others get through their own, for we never know when we might be the answer to someone else’s prayer.

[i] World Trade Center

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures, Double Feature Films, Intermedia Films
• Director: Oliver Stone
• Screenwriters: Andrea Berloff and John McLoughlin
• Starring: Nicholas Cage and Michael Pena
• Release date: August 9, 2006

[ii] United 93

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, StudioCanal, Sidney Kimmel Entertainment
• Director: Paul Greengrass
• Screenwriter: Paul Greengrass
• Starring: David Alan Basche, Olivia Thirlby and Liza Colon-Zayas
• Release date: April 28, 2006

[iii] Schindler’s List

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Steven Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Steven Zaillian based on the book by Thomas Keneally
• Starring: Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Ben Kingsley
• Release date: February 4, 1994

[iv] The Zookeeper’s Wife

• Production Company: Scion Films, Czech Anglo Productions, LD Entertainment
• Director: Niki Caro
• Screenwriter: Angela Workman based on the book by Diane Ackerman
• Starring: Jessica Chastain, Johan Heldenbergh and Daniel Bruhl
• Release date: April 7, 2017

[v] Forrest Gump

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures
• Director: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenwriter: Eric Roth based on the book by Winston Groom
• Starring: Tom Hanks, Robin Wright, Gary Sinise
• Release date: July 6, 1994

When I see the number 42, I am immediately reminded that 42 was the number Jackie Robinson wore on his baseball uniform when he broke the racial barrier in major league baseball on April 15, 1947. Now, on April 15 of each year, every player of every major league team wears number 42 in Robinson’s honor. But this year, if I had a Robinson jersey, I would have worn it on August 28th. You see, this past Monday marks 42 years of marriage for my wife, Janene, and me. Or as I like to say, “I became alive in 1975.” Being married to my wife for 42 years is one of the things I am most proud of, and putting up with me for 42 years is one of my wife’s greatest accomplishments. I like the way Ed Howe said it: “No woman falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.” Or in the words of a sports fan, I clearly out-kicked my coverage.

Love often leads to marriage, but sadly almost as often to divorce, as almost 50 percent of marriages now end in divorce. Said another way, the world would be a better, happier place if love were as easy to keep as it is to make.

So what’s the secret to a long relationship with someone you love? Romantic comedies can be unrealistic and sometimes downright boring, but occasionally they teach us about love and relationships. Here are three truths I have learned from watching them:

1. Do whatever is necessary for your partner to fall (and stay) in love with you each and every day. Admittedly, you can’t force someone to love you. I know. I’ve tried and failed several times. But sometimes you might be able to influence a love interest to lean a little in your direction. In 50 First Dates,[i] Henry falls for Lucy, but Lucy has short-term memory loss and repeatedly forgets him the very next day. Henry remains determined, though, and every day he works at getting Lucy to first notice him, and then fall in love with him. Here is one of my favorite scenes from the movie:

Few people have short-term memory loss the way Lucy did, so most of us have to worry less about hoping someone falls in love with us, and more about someone staying in love with us. I constantly ask myself if I am doing things each and every day to help keep the love alive between my wife and me. Do I treat her today with the same amount of respect, interest, concern and excitement as I did when we were dating? Or have I let work, church, kids, sports, friends or other interests become greater priorities than our partnership? I realize priorities can be tricky. We have to find balance in our lives among competing values. Too often, though, after the honeymoon, we allow the time we focus on our partners to become a smaller and smaller and smaller part of each day.

Spending time with and on our partners is critical, but the importance can’t always be measured simply in the amount of minutes or hours spent. I have found that sometimes a few minutes of uninterrupted focus with my wife is much more important (and therapeutic) than an hour together where we are constantly distracted by phone calls, social media or other interruptions.

2. It is easier to love in spite of faults than because of virtues. No one is perfect, and I believe no one is perfect for us when it comes to love and marriage. If we look for faults in our partner, we will always find them, as they will become as obvious as the nose on our partner’s face, as illustrated by this scene from Roxanne:[ii]

Finding your true soulmate rarely happens. Circumstances are never perfect. As we learn from Notting Hill,[iii] there will always be reasons to say no to love:

I believe in the importance of compatibility, but marrying your best friend doesn’t always result in a great marriage – and is certainly no guarantee for passion. Finding the “right” mate involves finding someone you can generally get along with, but also someone who turns you on. Maybe the best we can hope for is to find someone who excites us and loves us for whom we are and not some perfect person they want us to become. And interestingly, a person who loves us just the way we are, without saying a word, often motivates us to be a better person:

I love the message of that clip. Wanting to become a better person for our partner is one of the best compliments we can give them.

3. A long-lasting relationship with somebody, usually requires a long-lasting relationship with somebodies. Whether we like it or not, when we marry, we not only marry our partner, we marry our partner’s family. And if it happens to be a second marriage with kids involved, it gets even more complicated. The Big Sick[iv] is a newly-released, charming movie about how a Pakistani-American comedian and an all-American young woman fall in love. But the comedian’s parents, immigrants from Pakistan, insist on their son following the Muslim tradition of arranged marriages. On the other hand, the comedian, although raised in America, is not entirely familiar with the culture of an American family, as illustrated by this scene:

What do we do, then, if we fall in love with someone with a different racial or cultural background, or even a different economic experience than ourselves? The best thing we can do is realize that different does not mean inferior, it’s just – different. And there can be great strength in diversity. Take the time to learn the history and culture of your partner’s family and embrace those parts of it that are beautiful and good. Listen and learn. Remember that listen and silent are spelled with the same letters.

But even without any language, ethnic or cultural barriers, extended family members can be troublesome sometimes. Take a look at this scene from Notting Hill:

How do you deal with bizarre in-laws? Someone once said a man shouldn’t be judged by the company he keeps, especially if they are his in-laws. And often, it’s not the by-laws of marriage that causes most domestic troubles – it’s the in-laws. One solution would be to move out-of-town! I often joke that I took a job in another city after I graduated partly to put some space between my mother and my family. But joking aside, I found our relationship worked better at a distance. Weekly phone calls and semiannual visits was just enough contact to keep all of us happy. I realize now what I was doing was tacitly setting up working boundaries between us. Sometimes, at the beginning of a relationship, we are so intent on being acceptable to extended family members that we let them walk all over us. But workable boundaries need to be set near the beginning of a relationship – but in a nice way. Sometimes we need to do as Julia Roberts did in the previous scene and just smile and go with it. And always remember, most of the quirky or threatening things extended family members do is more about them, and less about you. Tell yourself, that’s just the way they are. If something an in-law does makes you feel you are not accepted or good enough, talk to your partner or even the siblings of your partner. Chances are your in-laws have been that way their entire lives and treat their own children, their spouses or other extended family members the very same way they are treating you. But regardless, I have learned that if you treat them calmly with love and respect, in their own way, they will treat you with love and respect in return.

But what if children are involved, especially minor children? With in-laws and extended family, you can always move, or at least get away to your own home. But those minor children are going to go with you wherever you go. I have no experience in this area, so I have to draw on the experience of others – and movies of course. In Dan in Real Life,[v] Dan, a widower with three minor daughters, falls in love with his brother’s girlfriend. But he realizes that his daughters are more important to him than his love life:

You can never go wrong with honest conversations with your children. Let them know how you feel about someone, and let them express how they feel. Perhaps surprisingly, children want to be happy and feel secure, but they also want the same for you. So make your new love interest a family affair. Help your children realize this new beginning for you is also a new beginning for them, without necessarily destroying the old.

Well, it’s time to get off my soapbox. Thanks, dear readers, for listening. I would love to hear what your favorite romantic comedies are, and any tips you might have for dealing with love, marriage and all that goes with it.

And here’s to you, Janene, for 42 wonderful years of marriage, and hopefully, for at least 42 more.

[i] 50 First Dates

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison Productions, Anonymous Content
• Director: Peter Segal
• Screenwriter: George Wing
• Starring: Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore
• Release date: February 13, 2004

[ii] Roxanne

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures
• Director: Fred Schepisi
• Screenwriter: Steve Martin
• Starring: Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah
• Release date: June 19, 1987

[iii] Notting Hill

• Production Company: Polygram Filmed Entertainment, Working Title Films
• Director: Roger Mitchell
• Screenwriter: Richard Curtis
• Starring: Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts
• Release date: May 28, 1999

[iv] The Big Sick

• Production Company: Apatow Productions, FilmNation Entertainment, Story Ink
• Director: Michael Showalter
• Screenwriter: Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani
• Starring: Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter and Ray Romano
• Release date: July 14, 2017

[v] Dan in Real Life

• Production Company: Touchstone Pictures, Focus Features, Jon Shestack, Productions
• Director: Peter Hedges
• Screenwriter: Pierce Gardner and Peter Hedges
• Starring: Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche
• Release date: October 26, 2007

Almost every movie lover will recognize the title of this post comes from the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz.[i] I have thought a lot about home the last few weeks as my wife and I moved out of our dream home into a one-bedroom apartment. We went from this:

And this:

To this:

I don’t own any ruby slippers, but I have wished several times since the move I could click my heels three times and return to that dream home. But upon further reflection, I realize, even though our little apartment has less than 800 square feet, it has everything I need: food, shelter, clothing, air conditioning(!), and more importantly, a spouse who loves me unconditionally and other family members and friends close by.

So why did we leave our beautiful home for a small one bedroom apartment? Someone once quipped, “Home is where the mortgage is.” But we didn’t move because we couldn’t make the mortgage payments. As far as I know, my job is secure – at least for another year. My company recently announced it was moving its offices from Fort Worth to Houston next summer. That is another good reason for me to retire when that move occurs. Instead of moving to Houston, we hope to build a new, but smaller, dream home closer to most of our adult children and grandchildren. So there is some method in our madness.

My decision to move was entirely my own choice. Most of my fellow employees, however, are not so lucky. The company announcement has caused a lot of angst around the office, as my fellow employees must decide if they want to leave their current homes to keep their current jobs and create a new home in Houston. Notice I didn’t say “find” a new home, as I believe homes are more than just brick and mortar. A home, where we feel love and acceptance and hopefully safety, is created by the people living in it. Kendal Rob said it this way: “Home is where you go to find solace from the ever changing chaos, to find love within the confines of a heartless world, and to be reminded that no matter how far you wander, there will always be something [or someone] waiting when you return.” That is pretty much how Dorothy felt in The Wizard of Oz,[ii] when she makes it back to Kansas:

Movies often center around the home, and some of the best ones, like The Wizard of Oz, focus on finding a way to get back home, or, if we can’t get there immediately, at least making some kind of contact with those at home. Who doesn’t remember this scene from E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial:[iii]

George A. Moore said, “A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” I enjoy traveling to fun places, but I must admit that usually the best part of any trip for me is returning home. There is no better way to appreciate our homes than to be away from them for a while. But it’s not the house that I miss as much as the home. When I drive by houses I used to live in, I am often reminded of some great memories and experiences I had there, but the feelings of love, comfort and safety I experienced while living there have moved along with me, turning that prior home into just a house again – at least to me. Anyone can build a house, but love is the most important ingredient in building a home.

Many people have left home because they felt no love there. And without that feeling of love, all other pleasures of a house are largely meaningless. I recently saw the movie, The Glass Castle,[iv] based on the memoirs of Jeannette Walls, growing up in a dysfunctional family. I was interested in seeing it particularly because I had read the book upon which it is based. Here is a scene from the movie where the family moves into a “new” house, which is a lot nicer (believe it or not) than many of the other houses they had previously lived in:

The movie does not do justice to the abuse the parents put their children through, forcing them to live in places that had no running water or indoor plumbing. But even in such squalor, there were times when love among the family was felt, especially among the four children who had to band together just to survive.

Even sadder are those who have been forced to leave a loving home and functional family, but circumstances will not let them return. One of my favorite movies from last year is Lion,[v] based on the true story of a five-year-old Indian boy name Saroo who is separated from his family, and adopted by a loving Australian couple. Despite the love he feels from his adoptive family, Saroo sets out to find his lost family, 25 years after his separation from them. The problem is, he doesn’t know where to find them. Through Google Earth and tracing possible train routes within a giant circle he has drawn on map, he searches for the village of his childhood. After many failed searches, one day he starts looking outside the circle, and discovers a hillside that causes a flashback of memories. This is followed by finding a river that he remembers he used to swim in. This leads him to a train station with a water tower behind it he remembers, and ultimately to the village he grew up in. He has found his first home. Here is the emotional scene where he returns to that home and is reunited with his birth family:

Gratefully, few of us have to live in abject poverty like Jeannette Walls did in The Glass Castle or spend years from our home and family like Saroo did in Lion. But what kind of home are we making for ourselves and our family? Is it that place of love, respect and trust? Is it that place where all family members can rest from the scars of the outside world? Where everyone’s opinions are respected, even if they differ from our own? Let us remember that the richest, most priceless possessions we have on this earth is the great love we have (or at least should have) for a family member.

While I’m no expert, here are a few suggestions on how to help make your house a home:

• Create family rituals and traditions, from game nights and (of course) movie nights, to special ways to celebrate birthdays and holidays.
• Eat at least one meal a day as a family, and turn off social media and just talk to each other (as painful as that can be sometimes!). If you don’t know what to talk about, try having each family member tell three good things that happened to them that day. It will help your family develop an attitude of gratitude, and grateful people are generally happier than those who are not.
• Do chores and other projects together, which helps our children become self-sufficient. Your kids will complain about doing their own laundry and cleaning their bathrooms, but one day they will thank you for teaching them those skills – at least ours did.
• Provide a place (bedroom or otherwise) where a family member can just go and be alone for a while, and respect that space by asking permission to enter it.
• Collect or create family collections and heirlooms, whether it be “art” on the refrigerator door or souvenirs from family vacations.
• Share your home with extended family and friends.
• Enforce family rules that make sense for safety and respect of others’ property and rights, but at the same time allow each family member as much freedom as practicable to express their own individuality.
• Find something each day to laugh about. Nothing is better for the soul than a good belly laugh. But be careful you are laughing with someone, not about someone.

By making a comment to this post, I would love others to share things their families did (or are doing) to help make their house a home.

Be it ever so humble, there truly is no place like home, and a happy home is but an early heaven.

[i] The phrase, “There’s no place like home,” first appeared in the John Howard Paine song, “Home, Sweet Home,” written in 1822. The first two lines of the song read: “Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.”

[ii] The Wizard of Oz

• Production Company: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM)
• Director: Victor Fleming
• Screenwriter: Noel Langley, Florence Ryerson
• Starring: Judy Garland, Frank Morgan, Ray Bolger
• Release date: August 25, 1939

[iii] E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Stephen Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Melissa Mathison
• Starring: Henry Thomas, Drew Barrymore, Peter Coyote
• Release date: June 11, 1982

[iv]The Glass Castle

• Production Companies: Lionsgate, Netter Productions
• Director: Destin Daniel Cretton
• Screenwriter: Destin Daniel Cretton and Andrew Lanham, based on the book by Jeannette Walls
• Starring: Brie Larson, Woody Harrelson and Naomi Watts
• Release date: August 11, 2017

[v] Lion

• Production Companies: The Weinstein Company, Screen Australia and See-Saw Films
• Director: Garth Davis
• Screenwriter: Luke Davies, adapted from the book by Saroo Brierley
• Starring: Dev Patel, Nicole Kidman, Rooney Mara
• Release date: January 6, 2017

When I was in ninth grade, I had the (mis)fortune to be a participant in an arm wrestling contest. I am small boned, and have never been recognized for my strength, so I anticipated from the outset that I would lose. The only problem was my opponent was a girl. This girl was no shot-putter-type female (I know, a bad stereotype). She was a normal-sized, attractive young woman – and one of my best friends at the time. I found out a couple of years later that she was also an excellent kisser! But I’m digressing.

I gave it my best effort, and put off the inevitable for a while, but ultimately my (girl)friend was able to slam the back of my hand against the table. My close (boy)friends assumed I had let her win (but they were wrong). My not-so-close friends ribbed me for days about how I was weaker than a girl. Where is the rule book that says all successful men must be handsome, well-built, show little emotion or vulnerability, work outside the home and be naturally strong and heroic? Where is it written that women must be beautiful, well-built (but in a decidedly different way than men), emotional, work only as housewives and mothers, and be weak and helpless (i.e. they need a prince to save them)? Why must little boys play with trucks and little girls play with dolls? Those were the gender stereotypes of my growing-up years. Fortunately, for both men and women, we have come a long way since then. But we still have a long way to go.

The movie industry prides itself in being a champion of equality, but it is far from it. In 2014, the Geena Davis Institute conducted a study on gender in media.[i] Here are just some of the facts this study revealed about films released in 2014:

• There are 2.24 male characters for every 1 female.
• Only 23.3 percent of films had a female lead or co-lead
• Females made up only 7 percent of directors, 19.7 percent of writers, and 22.7 percent of producers
• Female characters are more than twice as likely than male characters to be shown as skinny, wearing sexy clothing, and either partially or fully naked
• Comments made by characters that refer to appearance are directed at women five times more than men
• Men are more likely to be seen as attorneys, judges, academics or doctors at a rate of 13 to 1; females made up only 13 percent of characters who were business executives.

A few years ago I attended the Broadway production of Cinderella. It was magical. But what was surprising to me was how many young girls in the audience had dressed as princesses. What kind of role model is Cinderella, or any Disney princess, for these young girls? Emulating princesses from the early Disney movies, young girls learn that physical looks are more important than intellect, all unattractive women are evil (and often overweight), women, in general, are weak and need a man to protect them, and a woman’s place is in the home. Poor Cinderella is trapped in a life of thankless cleaning and cooking until a handsome prince rescues her (whom she falls in love with at first sight). Ariel, from The Little Mermaid,[ii] is even worse. Originally, she appears to be a self-assured, strong young woman, well, mermaid. But then she falls in love with the handsome Prince Eric (at first sight again) and then gives up her home, her family and everything she is (even her voice) to be with him. How much more interesting and thought-provoking would the movie be if it was Eric who gave up everything to be with Ariel under the sea? Here is one of the climatic scenes from the movie. Note how evil is personified in an ugly, overweight woman:

But Disney has changed some through the years, like all of us. Its recent remake of Beauty and the Beast [iii] is charming, and Belle is the epitome of a modern woman. She is intelligent, strong, and a no-nonsense, successful inventor in her own right. The problem is not with Belle, but with the movie’s treatment of men. Gaston is the classic boorish male chauvinist pig, and the Beast is simply abusive, as demonstrated in this scene:

The good news is the Beast learns and changes – but including his looks from the ugly beast to the stereotypical handsome prince. How more interesting would the movie be if the Beast remained a beast, whom Belle had originally fallen in love with despite his looks? On second thought, falling in love with an actual beast might be a little too creepy!

Along with movies, I love live theater. One of the most interesting plays I have ever seen was the Dallas Theater Center’s recent adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Most of the main characters were opposite genders from the originals. In other words, Scrooge, Marley and all the spirits were women. It was still the same, beautiful story of change, but the role reversals not only caught my attention, they gave the familiar story a new look and feel.  Geena Davis would be proud. As a solution for making Hollywood less gender biased, her Institute’s study recommends, when scripts are being reviewed, change the “he” to “she.”

I close with a discussion of two of my all-time favorite movies. I love these movies for many reasons, including that both take gender stereotypes and turn them on their heads. In The King’s Speech,[iv] we see one of the most powerful men in the world (England’s Prince Albert who becomes King George VI) show his vulnerability – something no “real man” is supposed to do. Check out this scene:

Billy Elliot[v] (spoiler alert!) is a young English lad who must grow up without a mother. His father and older brother are coal miners. As all good coal miners are, Billy’s dad is a man’s man, and he expects, like his brother before him, to be the same. So Billy’s dad enrolls Billy in boxing classes. The trouble is, Billy has no boxing ability, and finds himself more interested in the ballet classes that start immediately after the boxing lessons. Soon Billy is skipping the boxing classes and attending the ballet classes – until his father finds out. No son of a man’s man would take ballet over boxing, as ballet is only for “puffs:”

But Billy not only likes dancing, he’s good at it. Here, he shows his dad a few of his moves:

Ultimately, Billy’s dad let’s Billy pursue his dream of being a dancer. He is even willing to cross the picket lines of the miners’ strike to be able to pay for the dancing lessons. With the help of his teacher, Billy tries out for the Royal Ballet School. It is not the typical tryout, and Billy is sure he won’t get in. Here is the scene where Billy gets his letter from the school:

This scene is called “Acceptance” both because Billy gets into the prestigious school, but more importantly, Billy’s dad has come to accept Billy for being Billy, not forcing him to fit a stereotype or be something he wishes Billy to be. All parents should be more like the “new” Billy’s dad. Who didn’t fell the joy and pride of Billy’s father as he hears the news about Billy’s success, even though it might not have been the kind of success he originally wanted for Billy. Perhaps Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer and a Director of Facebook, said it best: “We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests.”

If only the whole world were so.

[i] As reported in the Huffington Post on September 24, 2014, updated on November 24, 2014.

[ii] The Little Mermaid

• Production Company: Walt Disney Pictures and Silver Screen Partners IV
• Directors: Ron Clements and John Musker
• Screenwriter: John Musker and Ron Clements
• Starring: Jodi Benson, Rene Auberjonois and Christopher Daniel Barnes
• Release date: November 17, 1989

[iii] Beauty and the Beast

• Production Company: Mandeville Films and Walt Disney Films
• Director: Bill Condon
• Screenwriter: Stephen Chbosky and Evan Spillotopoulos
• Starring: Emma Watson, Dan Stevens and Luke Evans
• Release date: March 17, 2017

[iv] The King’s Speech

• Production Company: See-Saw Films, The Weinstein Company, UK Film Council
• Director: Tom Hooper
• Screenwriter: David Seidler
• Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter
• Release date: December 25, 2010

[v] Billy Elliot

• Production Company: StudioCanal, Working Title Films, BBC Films
• Director: Stephen Daldry
• Screenwriter: Lee Hall
• Starring: Jamie Bell, Julie Walters and Jean Haywood
• Release date: November 10, 2000

The only lottery I ever won occurred in 1972. I didn’t win millions of dollars, but I could have won my life. It was the selective service’s lottery to determine who would be drafted to fight in Vietnam (and you thought this post was going to be on gambling). The government would draft young men based on their birthday, as each day of the year was randomly selected. All young men born on the first day selected would be drafted first. All young men born on the second day selected would be drafted next, and so on through the 365th day selected. The first draft lottery was held in 1969 and applied to young men born from 1944 through 1950. The men born on the first 195 birthdays selected ended up being drafted that first year. When my year came, my lottery number came up 308. No draft had gone that high so I felt like I was in the clear. It turned out it didn’t matter anyway, as the Vietnam War was winding down by that point, and no new draft orders were issued for men born in 1953 (my birth year).

I have thought a lot about war since that lottery and whether I would have been willing to fight. I doubt I would have had the courage to flee to Canada, like so many did during the Vietnam War. While no official records were kept of the numbers immigrating to Canada to avoid the draft, informed sources estimate the number to be between 30,000 and 40,000. I suspect I would have ultimately enlisted in a service that would hopefully keep me far from the front lines of Vietnam. I thought the Coast Guard would be a logical choice. But many, primarily those from poor or lower middle class families, did not have (or did not know how to take advantage of) those options.

We had three holidays here in America that reminded me once again of the sacrifices so many men and women have made for our country in times of war: Memorial Day, Flag Day and Independence Day. Plus, the anniversary of D-Day occurred on June 6. These men and women, as Abraham Lincoln described it, “gave the last full measure of devotion” so that our way of life would “not perish from the earth.”

Having never been in the military, I have learned much of what I know (or at least what I think I know) about war from watching movies. I realize that movies are not always a true depiction of what war is really like, but many are realistic enough for me to understand, as General Sherman said during the civil war, that “war is hell.” I like Edwin Starr’s description in his 1970 anti-war hit: “War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” But we learn a lot, sometimes, by having to go through “hell.” Here are four truths about war I have learned from movies (I could have listed many more):

     1.  Generals and other military planners are very willing to knowingly sacrifice the men and women on the front lines for what they see as the larger cause.

U.S. planners in 1943 were predicting that 13 percent of U.S. troops on D-Day would be drowned, 25 percent would become casualties in the initial fighting on the beaches, and thereafter, 3 percent of U.S. troops would become casualties in Normandy.[i]

This scene from Saving Private Ryan[ii] is hard to watch, but it illustrates the fear of soldiers going into battle for the first time, many of whom were killed before they even got out of their landing craft.

I am no military strategist, but it seems like there must have been a better way.

Two summers ago I had the privilege of visiting the National D-Day Memorial in Bedford, Virginia. I felt a reverence there as I saw depictions of the Normandy battlefield and learned of the many heroic events that took place on D-Day. Bedford, Virginia, was chosen as the place for the memorial because the small town of Bedford lost more soldiers in the D-Day invasion than any other town or city in America. Their sacrifice has been immortalized in Bedford: The Town They Left Behind.[iii] Yes, “some gave all,” as the country song goes. And for Bedford, Virginia, most gave all, as 19 of the 34 young men from Bedford were killed on D-Day. Four more were killed on subsequent days.

     2.  The perils of war often bring out the best or the worst in soldiers.

Hacksaw Ridge[iv] is the story of Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector who served as medic during WWII. At the outbreak of the war, Doss worked in a shipyard, and could have been deferred from military service because of that, but he enlisted anyway, even though he refused to carry a weapon into combat because of his personal beliefs and religious training as a Seventh Day Adventist. He was repeatedly persecuted and branded a coward by his fellow soldiers, but, unbelievably, during the battle of Okinawa, he saved 75 wounded men atop Hacksaw Ridge. Here is one of my favorite scenes from the movie:

Doss was wounded four times in Okinawa, and was subsequently awarded the Medal of Honor for his actions. How many of us are courageous enough to put our lives on the line, to save “one more,” whether physically, spiritually or otherwise?

     3,  On the battlefield, soldiers fight more for each other than for love of country.

I believe most soldiers love their country, and are willing to make great sacrifices for it, but in the heat of the battle, they fight for each other. Anyone who has been part of a successful team – a true team – whether in sports, business or the military, realizes how important a teammate becomes. That bonding is often precipitated by the rigorous training the team undergos together. Lone Survivor,[v] is the true story of a Navy Seals team on a mission to capture or kill a notorious Taliban leader. The opening scene gives us a glimpse of the training required to be a Navy Seal. Most don’t make it. I know I wouldn’t.

Did you catch the words said near the end of the clip? “I like having my buddies that I can depend on, and I would like for them to be able to depend on me. You guys are our band of brothers” I also love this scene from American Sniper[vi] where Chris Kyle shares his regret to his therapist, and how that motivated him to continue fighting for his comrades even after they returned from deployment.

4. Sadly, we don’t fully understand and appreciate what our volunteer military is truly sacrificing for us.

One vet described it this way: “The American people as a whole don’t care about soldiers or veterans beyond face value to make them feel good about themselves.” And so we applaud them at sporting events, we let them board first onto airplanes, we give them a discount on admission to amusement parks. Those types of things are nice and appropriate, but they pale in comparison to how combat changes a soldier, even the toughest ones. Obviously, many return disfigured or crippled. But the emotional toll can be far worse. Studies show that about one-fifth of veterans suffer from PTSD. One-fourth suffer from depression. Many vets drink and smoke excessively, even if they did neither before deployment, and report problems dealing with conflicts with others. Little wonder. One study showed, of the Marines serving in Iraq, 94 percent saw dead bodies, 97 percent were shot at, 95 percent were attacked or ambushed, 92 percent received rocket or mortar fire, and 87 percent know someone killed or seriously wounded. Another study found that 22 veterans commit suicide on average each day. A different study found the suicide rate among veterans to be only seven per day. But even seven suicides a day among our veterans (or any group for that matter) is seven too many.

One of the most uncomfortable movies for me to watch was Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.[vii] Few people saw it, but every American should. It realistically showed some of the internal turmoil our soldiers go through after returning home from a deployment – even those who are hailed as heroes. After a video of Billy saving his sergeant’s life goes viral, Lynn and his squad are invited to return to the U.S. for a promotional tour, including a halftime celebration at a Dallas Cowboys’ football game. The movie juxtaposes fireworks from the halftime celebration with battle scenes from Iraq, as if these soldiers haven’t experienced enough explosions. The halftime celebration experience and events leading up to it only alienate Billy from the rest of society (you and me) – a society that doesn’t truly understand or appreciate the sacrifices of our soldiers. Here is just one scene that shows the difference between the public face the military must show and what they are really thinking, and how even being a perceived hero is much more complicated than it appears:

Billy finally decides to go back to Iraq, largely because he doesn’t know what else to do. He is treated as a hero, but doesn’t feel like one, as he was just doing what he had been trained to do. He ultimately realizes that war has become his home and his squad has become his family. Only they fully appreciate what goes on in war. Here is the closing scene:

So what can we do to truly support our veterans? I did a quick Google search and there are a number of articles on this subject. Here is a link to the article I thought was best. It will give you some simple ideas.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/05/us/iyw-simple-ways-to-honor-veterans/index.html

Henry Emerson Fosdick said, “The tragedy of war is that it uses man’s best to do man’s worst.” Let’s support our best – those who have the courage to risk their lives to protect our way of life – even if it is only a one-on-one, heartfelt thank you. But most of us can (and should) do much more than that.

[i] George Henry Bennett’s Destination Normandy: Three American Regiments on D-Day.

[ii] Saving Private Ryan

• Production Company: Dreamworks, Paramount Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Stephen Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Robert Rodat
• Starring: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Tom Sizemore
• Release date: July 24, 1998

[iii] Bedford: The Town They Left Behind

• Production Company: The Johnson Group
• Directors: Elliot Berlin, Joe Fab
• Screenwriter: Joe Fab
• Starring: Rich Parkerson
• Release date: January 11, 2009

[iv] Hacksaw Ridge

• Production Company: Cross Creek Pictures, Demarest Films, Pandemonium
• Director: Mel Gibson
• Screenwriter: Robert Schenkkan and Andrew Knight
• Starring: Andrew Garfield, Sam Worthington and Luke Bracey
• Release date: November 4, 2016

[v] Lone Survivor

• Production Company: Film 44, EFO Films, and Spiklings Entertainment
• Director: Peter Berg
• Screenwriter: Peter Berg (based on the book by Marcus Luttrell)
• Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Taylor Kitsch, Emile Hirsch and Ben Foster
• Release date: January 10, 2014

[vi] American Sniper

• Production Company: Warner Bros, Village Roadshow Pictures and RatPac-Dune Entertainment
• Director: Clint Eastwood
• Screenwriter: Jason Hall (based on the book by Chris Kyle)
• Starring: Bradley Cooper, Sienna Miller and Kyle Gallner
• Release date: January 16, 2015

[vii] Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

• Production Company: Bona Film Group, Film4, Ink Factory
• Director: Ang Lee
• Screenwriter: Ben Fountain and Jean-Christophe Castelli
• Starring: Joe Alwyn, Garrett Hedlund, Arturo Castro, Kristin Stewart and Vin Diesel
• Release date: November 18, 2016

Someone once said, a man shouldn’t be judged by the company he keeps, especially if they are his in-laws.  In my case, I hope I am judged by my in-laws, as there is no greater company I could keep. This past month my wife was in charge of her family’s reunion. Her family has one every three years, and since both her parents have died, the responsibility for the reunion now falls to my wife and each of her five siblings on a rotating basis. We started with the oldest sibling. Since my wife is the fifth child, four others preceded hers. All the reunions in the past have consisted of an afternoon or evening at a pavilion at a park or at a church where we’d meet, socialize, and eat for three to four hours. But since my immediate family is the only one that lives in Texas, we had to plan an event that would be worth the extended family traveling all the way to Texas in the middle of the summer heat. So we planned two days of “mandatory” activities, and suggested other activities for the days immediately before and after the actual reunion. And come they did. Out of a possible approximately 125 family members, about 100 come, with ages ranging from 75 years old to five months.

Our theme was “Putting the FUN in dysfunctional since 1942!” Our theme turned out to be only half true. We had loads of fun, but no dysfunction. Since movies about families generally emphasize quirks, dysfunction and drama, I don’t see many movies about our family coming to a theater near you. But that is a good thing.

In the days after the reunion, I have reflected on what makes a “together” family. No family is perfect, but functional families tend to have some traits in common. Perhaps first and foremost is respect for each other. Almost all traits of a functioning family grow out of respect for one another. One of my all-time favorite movies is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.[i] After the death of his father, Gilbert must care for his mentally challenged brother and his extremely overweight mother. The Grape family has every reason to be dysfunctional, but somehow they make it work, although like most families, not always smoothly. Gilbert demonstrates his respect for Arnie, his mentally challenged brother, by always having his back, even when it is not always convenient. Here is Gilbert’s promise to his younger brother:

Gilbert also has great respect and love for his mother, even though she is so overweight that she spends day and night on a couch in the living room, where the basement underneath her has to be reinforced to bear her weight. At one point, though, Gilbert becomes overwhelmed by all his responsibilities, and leaves home. But he comes back. Here is my favorite scene from the movie:

Toward the end of the movie (spoiler alert!), Gilbert’s mom decides to to walk upstairs to her bedroom for the first time in many years. But the strain on her body is too much and she dies in bed that night. The police come, and tell Gilbert that it would take many men, maybe even the whole National Guard, to get her out of the house. Gilbert and his siblings realize that her removal would draw a gawking crowd and, out of respect for their mother, they decide to protect her from becoming a spectacle, even in death. They empty the house except for their mother’s body, then Gilbert sets the house on fire, in effect cremating her.

Do we love and respect our family members even though they might look, act or have opinions different than our own? Functional families should be a place where individuality and differences of opinions are respected and encouraged. In a fun scene from The Break Up,[ii] Gary and Brooke’s families join them for an awkward dinner:

Although a silly scene, we can learn some great things about functional families from this scene. A great musical composition requires individual instruments or voices, but working in harmony, they make beautiful music together. Families should be the same way. Differences should be applauded, not ridiculed. A high school friend of mine, running for student body president, had the campaign slogan of “unity through individuality.” That should be the slogan of our families as well.

This scene also emphasizes the importance of the dinner table in families. A family that eats together stays together. Functional families have clear communications and open discussions. There is no better place for that to happen than around the dinner table. And it is (or at least should be) a safe place for family to discuss anything without fear of punishment or retribution. I just hope your family dinners go better than this one from This is 40:[iii]

But at least they had an open conversation!

In the final analysis, have we developed enough faith and trust within our families that we will take leaps into the unknown for each other, trusting there is a family member waiting to catch us? And are we loving enough that we will walk a high wire to rescue a family member in need? Perhaps this scene from Despicable Me[iv] says it all:

Although no family is perfect, may each of our families be good enough – good enough that each family member feels safe, loved, valued and appreciated, so that, as my in-laws would say, we can “weather together whatever.”

[i] What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures
• Director: Lasse Hallstrom
• Screenwriter: Peter Hedges
• Starring: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio and Julliette Lewis
• Release date: March 4, 1994

[ii] The Break Up

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Mosaic Media Group and Wild West Picture Show Productions
• Director: Peyton Reed
• Screenwriter: Jeremy Garelick and Jay Lavender
• Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston and Jon Favreau
• Release date: June 2, 2006

[iii]This is 40

• Production Company: Apatow Productions and Forty Productions
• Director: Judd Apatow
• Screenwriter: Judd Apatow
• Starring: Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann
• Release date: December 21, 2012

[iv] Despicable Me

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment
• Director: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud
• Screenwriter: Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Sergio Pablos
• Starring: Steve Carrel, Jason Segel and Russell Brand
• Release date: January 14, 2011

In 2007, I became Associate General Counsel of XTO Energy Inc. in Fort Worth, Texas. The long-range plan was for me to serve in that capacity until my boss retired, and then promote me to General Counsel in his place (assuming I didn’t screw things up before then). After two years, things remained on track as XTO promoted me to Vice President and Associate General Counsel. But in 2010, I hit a pothole in my road to the top legal position at XTO. ExxonMobil bought XTO (although it kept XTO as a separate subsidiary). My boss made it a couple of more years before he retired. He recommended me to replace him as XTO’s General Counsel, but it was not to be. An ExxonMobil lawyer was selected over me. Piling on, two years later ExxonMobil demoted me, taking away my Vice President and Associate General Counsel titles and almost all of my managerial responsibilities. In explaining to me why I was not selected as the new General Counsel of XTO, the then president of XTO (an ExxonMobil transplant) told me the company decided to go with someone who had greater “connectivity” with ExxonMobil.

Since that time, I have often thought about the meaning of “connectivity” and have come to the realization that humans cannot live without it (and apparently can’t get promoted without it either); we need to be connected to each other. I recently watched the movie Passengers,[i] about emigrants from earth traveling to a distant planet to start a new home. The spaceship travels through a meteor storm, causing a malfunction on the ship, which wakes up one of its passengers from his hibernation – about 90 years too soon. It will be another 90 years of space travel before the ship reaches its destination. He makes it for over a year by himself (and one robot) but it is hard for him to be surrounded by thousands of hibernating passengers, but no one to really connect with. One passenger in particular catches his eye. He then becomes obsessed with her. He figures out how he could wake her, too, and wrestles with whether to actually do it. He ultimately does, but keeps to himself the secret of why she woke up early, until one day, the robot lets it slip out:

How many of us would do the same, needing to connect to an human but knowing that by doing so, we would end that person’s life as he or she knows it? It is a dilemma I’m glad I don’t have to face.

In the movie Cast Away,[ii] Tom Hanks has a somewhat similar dilemma, but the best he can find is a volleyball (named Wilson, of course) to substitute for human companionship. Here is the scene where Wilson is created:

Here is a scene where Hanks argues with Wilson as if he were human:

Hanks even grieves for Wilson when he (it?) is lost at sea:

Although only a volleyball, Hanks’ need for connectivity with another human being results in Wilson almost becoming human, at least to Hanks. And the emotions he shares with Wilson are real – just as if Wilson were real.

Scientific studies have confirmed our need for connectivity. Early studies of primates and of children orphaned in World War II showed the physical and psychological stunting of growth in infants deprived of physical contact. Later research suggests that certain chemicals are released in our brains by the touch of another human. Other chemicals are released by the absence of physical contact. In one study, researchers found that premature infants who were massaged for 15 minutes three times a day gained weight 47 percent faster than others who were left alone in their incubators (the usual practice with premature babies at the time of the study) even though the massaged infants did not eat any more than the other infants. The researchers concluded that “their weight gain seems due to the effect of contact on their metabolism.”[iii] The massaged babies also developed their nervous systems more rapidly and become more responsive to stimuli. Touch works for all of us; recent research has shown that people who routinely hug are happier than those who do not.

In 1944, psychologist John Bowlby did a study on a group of juvenile delinquents. He noticed a high percentage of these boys had been abandoned when they were young and suffered from feelings of anger, humiliation and worthlessness. These boys withheld affection and developed other strategies to help them cope with their lack of connectivity to a parent. Bowlby concluded that children (as well as adults) need to feel love and have a safe place to go and connect with others. It is usually our family that provides that connectivity, but in today’s world of single parents and broken homes, it doesn’t have to be. Regardless of our circumstances, we are generally all right if we have a community, large or small, where we feel loved and accepted, as demonstrated by this clip from Freedom Writers:[iv]

Sadly, many of the groups we identify with, and which provide a community for us, are what I have heard called “community through outrage.” We are outraged at some injustice or breach of trust we see in the world and join other like-minded people with the intent of changing the injustice by tearing down the status quo, be it racial discrimination, equal pay for women, gun control, moms or dads against drunk drivers, child abuse and others. Please don’t misunderstand me. There are many great causes that need our support and many cases where the status quo is not working well, if at all. But how great would it be if we formed communities to build up rather than just to tear down?

I am grateful for family and friends who connect with me and accept me for who I am. I am even more grateful for those who help me be a better person. I have lived in three states and six different cities and have connected with some remarkable people along the way. I am saddened to realize I have lost connectivity with many of them. But true friends are those who, although you haven’t seen them for years, when you reconnect, it’s like you just saw them yesterday.

So let’s connect and reconnect and, where possible, do more than just be a Facebook friend or one of hundreds of links on Linked-In or other social media sites. Let’s email, text, call and, best of all, talk face to face. As we do, let’s build connections and larger communities based on respect for others, trust and love, building up the positive as well as tearing down the negative.

And don’t forget to give hugs along the way.

[i] Passengers

• Production: Columbia Pictures; LStar Capital; and Village Roadshow Pictures
• Directed by: Morten Tyldum
• Screenplay: Jon Spaihts
• Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt and Michael Sheen
• Release date: December 23, 2016

[ii] Cast Away

• Production: Twentieth Century Fox; DreamWorks and ImageMovers
• Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenplay: William Broyles, Jr.
• Starring: Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt
• Release date: December 22, 2000

[iii] Goleman, “The Experience of Touch: Research Points to a Critical Role,” The New York Times (February 2, 1988).

[iv] Freedom Writers

• Production: Paramount Pictures, Double Feature Films and MTV Films
• Directed by: Richard LeGravenese
• Screenplay: Richard LeGravenese
• Starring: Hillary Swank, Imelda Staunton and Patrick Dempsey
• Release date: January 5, 2007

My wife and I recently have been watching a TV series that was originally aired on the Hallmark Channel. We enjoy good, clean movies and shows as well as anyone, but both of us admitted that this series has been just a little too wholesome and perfect, even for us. At one point I remarked, “It’s good all the women in this are quite attractive so I’ll keep watching it.” Her reply? “The men aren’t so bad either.” Do we really let the beautiful people of the world influence us that much?

Admittedly, although my wife is one of the most beautiful people I know (in every sense of the word), I have done some window shopping from time to time. You know, you can look but don’t touch. Admit it. All of us, male or female, young or old, are attracted to those we consider to be beautiful. Some of us could even relate to Paul Blart, Mall Cop,[i] in this movie clip:

What makes a person attractive? Because of our historical roots, men and women subconsciously look for different things in the opposite sex. Men tend to focus on someone he can procreate with (i.e. have sex). While women also consider procreation important, they tend to focus more on companionship and support. A survey of over ten thousand people found the standards for beauty consistent around the world. Men look for clear skin, full lips, long lustrous hair, symmetrical features, a shorter distance between mouth and chin, a waist-to-hip ration of 0.7, and of course, a curvy body. Women’s breasts apparently exist in the form they do to arouse men’s attention. All other primates are flat-chested. Larger human breasts do not produce more milk than smaller ones. Men consistently rate women with attractive bodies and unattractive faces higher than women with attractive faces and unattractive bodies. Women, on the other hand, are sexually attracted to men with larger pupils, symmetrical features and those who are slightly older, taller and stronger than they are. Women are guarded and slower to trust than men. In one set of tests, an attractive woman was paid to go up to unknown college men and ask them to sleep with her. Seventy-five percent of men said yes in study after study. When the test was reversed, how many women agreed to sleep with an unknown but attractive man? Zero. Sadly, tests have shown that generally attractive people have significantly higher incomes. Height appears to be important, too, with one study showing that, in America today, each inch of height translates into $6,000 of annual salary. If that is true, the good news for me is, based on my average height, I am significantly overpaid.[ii]

Many of us think if we were just a tiny bit better looking, life would be so much different for us. We would get the better job, we would marry the more attractive spouse, we would have more friends. In short, life would be easier and we’d be happier. The result? Sometimes we become so obsessed with our skin, our hair, and our clothes that we become “plastic,” as illustrated by this scene from Mean Girls:[iii]

I have been enjoying a book lately called, What to Say When You Talk to Your Self.[iv] Its premise is, our success or failure in life is largely controlled by our behavior. Our behavior is determined by our feelings about the task at hand. Our feelings about the task are governed by whether we have a good attitude or bad attitude about it. Our attitude about something just doesn’t happen. What we believe about something will determine our attitude about it, whether that belief is true or false. And our beliefs are based on what we and others tell us about it. In short, if we can control what we tell ourselves about something or someone, we ultimately can control our behavior. Unfortunately, about 75 percent of what we tell ourselves is negative. Or as Marilyn Monroe once said, “No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t.” I would change that last part to, “even if they have to tell that to themselves.”

In short, our perceptions about ourselves become our reality. Since most of us have been talking negatively to ourselves about ourselves our entire lives, our reality is that we are not attractive enough, smart enough or capable enough to succeed. And we become our own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Someone once said, “The wonderful thing about beauty is that it has so many layers, the outer one being the least important.” Science is now confirming the truth of that statement. Studies out of the University of Wisconsin – Madison have shown that we see a person more attractive when we get to know that person’s other good qualities. In a paper published in Evolution and Human Behavior, co-author David Sloan Wilson concluded that the beauty we see in others “depends at least as much on non-physical traits – whether they are cooperative, dependable, brave, hardworking, intelligent and so on – as physical factors such as smooth skin and symmetrical features. It follows that non-physical factors should be included in the subconscious assessment of beauty.”

In their first study, the participants rated people photographed in high school yearbooks. One participant, for example, who recognized a photo but had had no contact with that particular person for decades, responded in disgust when she recalled the person’s character and described that person as ugly. In a second study, members of a college sports team and total strangers rated the attractiveness of each team member from photographs shown to them. The team members rated a person they considered to be a slacker as ugly, and a team leader as physically attractive, while strangers, not knowing the persons and so judging on photographs alone, rated these two team members as equally attractive. In their final study, students in a summer archeological excavation course rated each other on the first day of class and six weeks later. After the six weeks of working together, students’ perceptions of physical attractiveness changed based on their interactions during the course.

I love this scene from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs[v] that emphasizes the point that our real selves are more beautiful than our made-up selves.

The main focus of Mean Girls is the harm we can do through gossiping, but it teaches us a lot about beauty as well. There is something beautiful about everyone if we will only look for it. Or as someone once described it, “The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see beauty in others.” Enjoy Lindsay Lohan’s Spring Fling Speech after she wins queen of the dance:

Ironically, isn’t Lindsay Lohan a perfect example of the more we learn about a person, the more (or less) beautiful they become? In her early movies, I found her quite physically attractive. I mean who didn’t love her in the remake of The Parent Trap? But the more I learned about her personal life – the alcohol (and DUIs) and drugs (and repeated stays in rehab), the comments from movie insiders that she was irresponsible, unprofessional and difficult to work with, her bouts with the law – the less physically beautiful she became, at least to me. That said, I’m sure if I had the opportunity to really get to know her, I would find things about her that are truly beautiful. On the other hand, I found Emma Watson to be quite cute when she entered the movie scene in the Harry Potter movie franchise. But she has become more attractive to me through the years. I suspect that part of her increasing beauty was not just because she has matured physically, but she has matured as a person as well. I have been impressed by the non-Harry Potter roles she has played recently, with The Perks of Being a Wallflower being my favorite. I admired her for taking time off from movies to finish her college education at Oxford and Brown Universities. I nodded my approval when, for her role in Beauty and the Beast, she insisted that her character, Belle, be portrayed as a smart, independent woman. She is a humanitarian activist promoting gender equality, including being recently appointed as a United Nations’ Women Goodwill Ambassador. All that and she can sing, too!

I close with this quote from Audrey Hepburn. She calls it her greatest beauty tip: “For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.”

Let’s take the time to stop and discover how beautiful the people around us really are – including ourselves.

[i] Paul Blart, Mall Cop

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures, Relativity Media, Happy Madison Productions
• Director: Steve Carr
• Screenwriter: Kevin James, Nick Bakay
• Starring: Kevin James, Keir O’Donnell, and Jayma Mays
• Release date: July 17, 2015

[ii] The facts and studies described in this paragraph are summarized from “The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character and Achievement,” by David Brooks (Random House 2011).

[iii] Mean Girls

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures, M.G. Films, and Broadway Video
• Director: Mark Waters
• Screenwriter: Tina Fey (based on the book by Rosalind Wiseman)
• Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams and Jonathan Bennett
• Release date: April 30, 2004

[iv]“What to Say When You Talk to Yourself “ by Shad Helmstetter (2011)

[v] Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation
• Directors: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
• Screenwriter: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
• Starring: Anna Faris, Bill Hader, Bruce Campbell
• Release date: September 18, 2009