One of my favorite verses in the scriptures of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is Section 121 of the Doctrine & Covenants, which addresses leadership. Verse 39 states:

“We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.”

Several years ago, I wrote a book about that. It’s a modern-day tale of a King David-like character from the Old Testament, who uses his power to control others. You can purchase a copy of it on Amazon.[i] But this blog post is not intended as a blatant marketing ploy.

I thought a lot about that Mormon scripture after I recently watched the film Nuremberg,[ii] which tells the true story of the relationship between Hermann Göring, Nazi Germany’s second in command behind Hitler, and an American psychiatrist, Douglas Kelley, at the Nazi war crimes trial held in Nuremberg at the end of World War II. In one of Kelley’s interviews with Goring, Kelley asks what attracted Germans to Hitler. Here is that scene from the movie, followed by the film’s trailer:

“He made us feel German again.” Is that really enough for Germans to end up murdering six million Jews? Did not their moral compasses sound the alarm that such a thing was not only horrific but evil? To be fair, not all Germans were directly involved in the Holocaust, and some Germans did not support Hitler.

In 2017, Leslie Stahl of 60 Minutes interviewed Ben Ferencz, one of the prosecutors at the Nuremberg trials. His task was to try 22 defendants whose job it was to follow Hitler’s army through Eastern Europe, round up Gypsies and Jews, and kill them on the spot. Ironically, Ferencz called no witnesses. The defendants were found guilty by their own records of the killings. Perhaps one can be too efficient.

At one point in the interview, Stahl asks Ferencz, “What turns a man into a savage beast like that?” Ferencz’s reply: “He’s not a savage beast. He’s an intelligent, patriotic human being, acting in the interest of his country in his mind. Do you think the man who dropped a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was a savage? Now I will tell you something profound, which I have learned after many years. War makes murderers out of otherwise decent people. All wars and all decent people.”

But I don’t believe it was just that German soldiers were patriots following orders, although that was part of it. Some feared harsh reprisals for not following such orders. Others received economic benefits by confiscating Jewish property. But to me, the most significant factor that resulted in the Holocaust was that the German people believed the propaganda (lies) that Hitler and his cronies spread. The Jews caused all their problems. The Aryan race was superior to all others. Germany was destined to be the world’s dominant power. If you tell people what they want to hear, and if you tell those lies often enough, people soon believe them.

The movie, The World Will Tremble,[iii] is the true story of how two Jews escaped Hitler’s grasp to tell the world that Hitler’s work camps were death camps. Here is the trailer for the film:

The first step in stopping the killing of innocent Jews and others was to tell the world the truth of what was really happening. Or, as we like to say today, “speaking truth to power.” But in today’s world of biased news reporting, social media, and algorithms that lead us to hear only what we want to hear, it is hard to know the truth about anything.

The founders of this country knew something about unrighteous dominion, although they never called it that. They understood a fundamental axiom of politics: “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” So, they created the Constitution, which established separation of powers among the three branches of government and provided checks and balances among them. But over the last three hundred years, through executive orders, disregard for the Constitution, and propaganda, those principles have been eroded by both parties. That erosion has been especially true with President Donald Trump.

The New York Times surveyed 35 legal scholars from the entire spectrum of politics (libertarians, conservatives, moderates, and liberals) about actions of President Trump during his first 100 days in office that they believe are unconstitutional, regardless of how they felt about the policy behind them.[iv] Here are a few of their unconstitutional findings:

1. Freezing or defunding government spending authorized by Congress, which the Constitution gives the power of the purse to.
2. No longer treating U.S.-born children of undocumented immigrants as U.S. citizens, despite the language of the 14th Amendment and a Supreme Court case that has stood for 127 years.
3. Indications by President Trump that he might run for a third presidential term despite the prohibitions of the 22nd Amendment.
4. Instituting tariffs, which power is granted to Congress under the Constitution.
5. Deporting immigrants without due process of law.
6. Retribution and criminal investigations against the President’s enemies, whether individuals, law firms, universities, or the press, in violation of the free speech protections of the 1st Amendment.
7. The firings at independent agencies created by Congress, such as the Federal Communications Commission, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and others without cause.

What these legal scholars feared most, though, was not a handful of isolated events but the pattern of authoritarianism they are establishing. David Pozen, a law professor at Columbia Law School, said it this way: “More important than any specific example of unconstitutional conduct is the overall pattern. The depth and breadth of this administration’s disregard for civil liberties, political pluralism, the separation of powers, and legal constraints of all kinds mark it as an authoritarian regime. That is the crucial thing to see.”

Jody Freeman, law professor at Harvard Law School, gave this warning: “The disregard for law is itself part of the agenda. They do not seem to care whether they violate the Constitution and statutes, make mistakes, do irreparable harm. That recklessness itself sends a message.”

How, then, should good leaders act? Section 121 of the Doctrine & Covenants gives us some clues. It tells us that leaders should act with persuasion, gentleness, meekness, and unfeigned love, with kindness and without hypocrisy. Instead, we have a president who, when challenged by the recent “No Kings” demonstrations throughout the nation, creates a video of himself, wearing a crown, piloting a jet, dropping excrement on the demonstrators.

What can we do about it? Edmund Burke is attributed as saying, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Let’s do something. Let’s elect leaders who respect the Constitution. Let’s teach our children and grandchildren to do the same. Let’s challenge those elected leaders who abuse the sacred trust we gave them.

I end with this challenge from Dawn Johnsen, law professor at the Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington: “Our Constitution is written on ancient paper. Its effectiveness, durability, and power depend upon people embracing its commands today, with good faith and with good will. If and when one actor disregards or disparages those responsibilities, it is imperative that other actors step up and demand fealty to constitutional norms, lest the spirit of the Constitution be lost. We are in perilous waters.”

It’s time to step up.

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[i] Unrighteous Dominion can be purchased at https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Ludlow%2C+Unrighteous+Domonion&crid=1TWULV85ZYAYO&sprefix=ludlow%2C+unrighteous+domonion%2Caps%2C187&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

[ii] Nuremberg:

• Production Companies: Walden Media, Filmsquad, and Mythology Entertainment
• Director: James Vanderbilt
• Writers: James Vanderbilt and Jack El-Hai
• Starring: Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, and Rami Malek
• Release Date: November 7, 2025

[iii] The World Will Tremble:

• Production Companies: Lorton Entertainment, Radiancy Pictures, and UFO Films
• Director: Lior Geller
• Writers: Lior Geller
• Starring: Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Jeremy Neumark Jones, and Charlie MacGechan
• Release Date: March 14, 2025

[iv] New York Times Opinion, “The ‘Recklessness Itself Sends a Message’: 35 Legal Experts Assess Trump’s Return,” The New York Times, April 28, 2025

I admit it. Sometimes I feel like Rocky Balboa. But it’s not Apollo Creed giving me a beating; it’s me beating up myself. I have spent the last two weeks doing just that. But then, I have given myself quite a few beatings over the previous two years.

It has been almost two months since my son, Matt, lost his battle with mental illness. And it’s been less than two years since another son, Scott, lost a similar fight. Life can be cruel sometimes. No, most of the time.

These past two weeks have been tough. The first couple of weeks after Matt died were filled with things to do, such as arranging for his cremation, hosting his celebration of life, and preparing his only real possession—his Ford F-150—for a life without him. Just seeing that truck often brings back the tears. We also spent five wonderful days with my extended family at a brother’s reunion. Family is just the ticket at times like these.

My wife, Janene, continued to receive love and support from family and friends during these past two weeks. She left for a much-needed extended weekend with her sisters. That was followed by another extended weekend with her best girlfriends.

That left me to deal mainly with my own thoughts. So, what did I do to occupy my time? I read a book about a man who misuses alcohol and prescription drugs and ends up killing his two-year-old son by backing his car over him, and spending three years in prison because of it. Then, just as he is about to be released, he dies of COVID. Books like that will certainly lift one’s spirits! And of course, I had plenty of time to watch a movie or two. But what movies did I watch? Ones where the characters struggle with mental illness. More on that later. But mostly, I just thought.

I thought about how cruel and unfair the world is for just about everyone. Even those few whose lives appear to be perfect struggle with something—they are just experts at keeping it below the surface. I thought about how the lives of my two beautiful sons—intelligent, charismatic, clever, friendly, and a dozen other positive traits—were cut short because of faulty brain chemistry. Both left behind friends and family to grapple with what-ifs, should-haves, and the challenge of living in a world without them.

I thought about how cruel mental illness is on the person suffering from it, but it’s just as cruel on those of us left behind. I can’t get out of my mind the image of one of Matt’s young sons, placing his hand on his dad’s lifeless body when it was time to say goodbye, and repeatedly saying, “I want my dad, I want my dad.” I can only imagine the future struggles he and his two brothers will face.

And that reminded me of a discussion I once had with Matt about how his mental illness was all my fault—that with mental illness in our family, we shouldn’t have had any kids. This raised the question of whether mental illness is nature or nurture. Either way, I lose. Did Matt or Scott have faulty genes that led to their illness? Or was there something in our family environment that triggered something in their brains? Perhaps some of each? I try not to go there, but sometimes it’s hard to control those thoughts.

I thought about where God was in all this. If there is a purpose to mental illness, I have a hard time seeing it. In the case of Matt, for example, the mental illness seemed to burn his brain to the point where nothing he, his family, or his medical advisors could do to help him. Medication, counseling, electroconvulsive therapy, and as much love as we could give him had little or no effect. After years of suffering and a half-dozen failed suicide attempts, it became a question of when, not if, we would lose Matt. The only way Matt could end his suffering, at least in his mind, was to make it all go away permanently. I bristle a little inside when people tell me that God has a plan for all of us and that those dealing with mental illness will receive heavenly rewards. I wish I had that kind of faith. Those comments, meant to help, always ring just a bit hollow to me.

The first movie I watched over the past two weeks was a Ken Burns documentary titled Hiding in Plain Sight: Youth Mental Illness.[i] It starts by stating that 75 percent of mental illnesses manifest themselves before age 25; 50 percent by the age of 14. Horrifically, most people who need mental health care don’t get it. Can we say the same about physical diseases such as cancer, heart disease, or diabetes? We are lousy at identifying people’s mental struggles early on, nor do we make it easy for a person to get into the mental health system. And if we do try to help, it is often just a “mental health check” to determine if someone is a danger to themselves or others. And if they are, we lock them up in a behavioral unit for 72 hours and then turn them loose on the streets again. Or worse, we put them in jail.

Here is the trailer for the documentary:

But identifying a mental illness is only part of the issue. What does a person do once they receive a diagnosis? Far too often, we “institutionalize” our behavioral units or lock them up in the criminal justice system until, as the film says, “By treating this [mental illness] like a criminal justice problem instead of a health problem, we’ve turned our hospitals into prisons. At the same time, we’ve turned our prisons into mental health institutions.”

And now I’m the guy who many people know as the dad who had two sons die by suicide. Suicide prevention is not a cause I would have chosen; I was thrown into it. Now that I am here, I’ll do my part to remove the stigma surrounding mental illness and help educate others about it.

But mental illness does not have to be a death sentence. Our sons were more than their disease. Many struggling with mental illness lead productive lives. But it is a battle they must fight every day. Here are just a few people who have accomplished much while fighting a mental disease: J.P. Morgan (bipolar), Leonardo DiCaprio (OCD), Karen Carpenter (eating disorder), Mariah Carey (bipolar), Michael Phelps (ADHD), Francis Ford Coppola (bipolar), Jane Pauley (bipolar), Kristen Bell (anxiety and depression), Abraham Lincoln (depression and possibly bipolar), and Winston Churchill (bipolar).

Love & Mercy[ii] tells the true story of Brian Wilson’s (of the Beach Boys) struggle with mental illness. He was widely considered a musical genius for his creative studio productions of The Beach Boys’ songs.  The movie left me wondering if his genius was because of his mental illness or in spite of it. Here is the trailer for the film:

I have always loved The Beach Boys, but now, every time I hear one of their songs, I think of Brian Wilson and his lifelong battle with his mental demons. I am grateful for all he accomplished despite his personal challenges. We all face individual challenges every day. What’s our excuse for not accomplishing more? Or as I like to say, do the best you can with what you’ve got where you’re at.

The Dark Horse[iii] tells the true story of New Zealand chess champion Genesis Potini. Suffering from bipolar disorder, Potini was hospitalized numerous times. But he found his purpose in teaching chess to children in his community, helping them to avoid lives of crime and violence. Here is the trailer for the film:

The movie realistically portrays some of the struggles a person with bipolar disorder must go through. But sadly, it also portrays the stigma Genesis Potini faced when others knew of his disease. The stigma surrounding mental illness is lessening, but we still have a long way to go.

And that was part of Matt’s tragedy. During his manic episodes, he either burned bridges or lost the respect of those who had once been his friends. I am grateful for those friends who stuck with him, despite his issues. But society, in general, was not so kind. Like the young people in Hiding in Plain Sight, Matt’s hospitalizations provided him with temporary help at best. And sometimes his manic episodes landed him in jail.

But like Brian Wilson, Genesis Potini, and dozens of others show us, there is hope for those fighting a mental illness; we just need to help them find it. That is what suicide prevention is about. And that is why I will be walking today with at least 40 others as part of Team Ludlow in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention walk to help raise awareness of mental health. We will be wearing t-shirts designed by my daughter, Lisa Padilla, that say, “Supporting the Fighters, Admiring the Survivors, Honoring the Taken, and Never, Ever Giving Up Hope.”  

If you are struggling with mental health challenges, please know that you are NOT alone and it is OK not to be OK. Like Rocky Balboa, we can learn how to take a punch. Let those of us who love you help you. Follow the advice of your behavioral specialists. Take your meds. It is a brutal battle, but one you can win. Keep hope alive, despite the darkness that seems to be all around you.   

I often listen to music while I write. As I typed the last paragraph, Carly Simon sang to me that she “hasn’t got time for the pain.” I believe that was how Matt felt. He no longer had time for his pain, and he decided to stop it the only way he knew how. I hope the rest of us look at it differently. We all experience pain in one form or another. But life is worth living. Let’s put away that pain and begin to live, doing the best we can with what we’ve got where we’re at.    

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[i] Hiding in Plain Sight: Youth Mental Illness:

• Ken Burns Presents a Film by Erik Ewers and Christopher Ewers
• Starring: First-person accounts from more than 20 young people, ranging in age from 11 to 27, who live with mental health conditions, as well as parents, teachers, friends, health care providers in their lives, and independent mental health experts.
• Release date: June 27, 2022

[ii] Love & Mercy:

• Production Companies: River Road Entertainment and Battle Mountain Films
• Director: Bill Pohlad
• Writers: Oren Overman, Michael Lerner, and Brian Wilson
• Starring: Paul Dano, John Cusack, and Elizabeth Banks
• Release date: June 19, 2015

[iii] The Dark Horse:

• Production Companies: Four Knights Film and Southern Lights Films
• Director: James Napier Robertson
• Writer: James Napier Robertson
• Starring: Cliff Curtis, James Rolleston, and Kirk Torrence
• Release date: November 20, 2014

I recently read a book by Ken Follett entitled Never.[ii] It is about how an attack on a terrorist group in the Sahara Desert of Africa begins a chain reaction that ultimately leads to nuclear war between the United States, China, and North Korea. None of the combatants wants atomic war, but following each event, one of the other countries determines that it must take some action to retaliate so as not to appear weak. And before anyone can de-escalate the crisis, the missiles are flying. I found it scary, but not improbable, in today’s world.

There has been a lot of political violence in the news lately. And after each event, many on the other side of the political spectrum talk of vengeance and retribution. And it starts at the top. One of the most essential qualities to President Trump is loyalty to him. Be careful if you say something negative about him; you might find yourself on his list of enemies.

Only a few hours following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, President Trump blamed the shooting on “the radical left.” He said, “For years, those on the radical left have compared wonderful Americans like Charlie to Nazis and the world’s worst mass murderers and criminals. This kind of rhetoric is directly responsible for the terrorism that we’re seeing in our country today, and it must stop right now.”

I readily admit that I don’t like Charlie Kirk. Wait. That’s not right. I have never met him, so how can I say I don’t like him? I can say, though, that I disagree with many of the things he said. But that doesn’t mean I have the right to threaten or harm him. Instead, although I don’t like his rhetoric, I should defend his right to say it. Sadly, many of our nation’s leaders do not feel the same way.   

Going after his perceived enemies is not something new for President Trump. He made it one of his campaign promises in the last presidential election. He recently announced in a speech at the Justice Department his intention to get vengeance against the “scum” who used the criminal justice system against him. And he hasn’t been shy about naming those he considers his political enemies who need to be punished: Former FBI director James Comey, his former national security advisor John Bolton, New York Attorney General Letitia James, Senator Adam Schiff, Georgia District Attorney Fanni T. Willis, former CIA Director John Brennan, and Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook. He has even urged investigations into former presidents Joe Biden and Barack Obama, claiming President Obama had committed treason.

The left has not been immune to similar rhetoric, pointing to political violence against Democrats such as the killing of a state lawmaker in Minnesota, the hammer attack on the husband of Nancy Pelosi, and the firebombing of the residence of Governor Shapiro of Pennsylvania.

The question becomes, what do we, as a country, do now? Do we let the verbal attacks escalate into more violence? Will each such attack lead to more attacks until the nation faces another civil war?

Revenge has been defined as consisting “primarily of retaliation against a person or group in response to perceived wrongdoing. Although many aspects of revenge resemble or echo the concept of justice, revenge usually has a more injurious than harmonious goal. The vengeful wish consists of forcing the perceived wrongdoer to suffer pain, injury, or constraints, and is often justified as a means of making sure that the wrongdoer can never inflict such an injury upon others.”[iii]

Revenge can be a great motivator. When playing sports in my youth, I always played with more intensity and determination when facing an opponent who had previously beaten me or my team. It was like Rocky in Rocky IV,[iv] motivated by revenge when facing the Russian Drago, who had killed his friend, Apollo Creed, in the boxing ring. Watch Rocky get motivated by this speech from the film:

We sometimes conclude that revenge is justified, especially when the justice system doesn’t work or is insufficient. In A Time to Kill,[v] Carl Lee Hailey, played by Samuel L. Jackson, takes justice into his own hands against two men who raped and hanged his daughter. In this scene, a law enforcement officer (played by Chris Cooper) places himself in the same position as Hailey, as a fellow father, and testifies that Hailey’s actions were justified:

But revenge often changes a person. As American theologian Lewis B. Smedes once said, “The problem with revenge is that it never evens the score. It ties both the injured and the injurer to an escalator of pain. Both are stuck on the escalator as long as parity is demanded, and the escalator never stops.” It is somewhat akin to the classic metaphor of the person who dies because she spends all her energy chasing the rattlesnake that bit her, rather than addressing the real problem. Or, as American author Austin O’Malley said, “Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.”

The Count of Monte Cristo[vi] is perhaps one of the best revenge movies of all time. It is based on the classic book of the same name, written by Alexandre Dumas. Edmond Dantes is falsely accused of treason by his best friend and is imprisoned for 13 years. He spends those 13 years plotting his revenge and reinvents himself as the Count of Monte Cristo. In this scene from the film, Dantes’s former fiancée, Mercedes, who has since married his betrayer, discovers who the Count really is:

Did you catch that classic line? “Don’t rob me of my hate; it is all I have.” And Mercedes’s response? “Let it go, Edmond.”

A nation based on the rule of law is designed so that the government, not revenge, is the arm of justice. But what happens when the acts of the government are motivated by revenge?

Being the musical theater geek that I am, I have always loved the musical, Camelot.[vii] In high school, I even memorized King Arthur’s monologue after he learns of Queen Guinevere’s affair with his best friend, Sir Lancelot. The monologue goes like this:

King Arthur: Proposition: If I could choose from every woman who breathes on this earth; the face I would most love—the smile, the touch, the heart, the voice, the laugh, the very soul itself, every detail and feature to the last strand of the hair—it would all be Jenny’s. (in a darker mood now) Proposition: If I could choose from every man who breathes on this earth—a man for my brother, a man for my son, and a man for my friend (anguished) it would all be Lance! I love them—I love them and they answer me with pain! And torment! Be it sin, or not sin: they have betrayed me in their HEARTS, and that’s far sin enough! I can see it in their eyes! I can feel it when they speak! And they must pay for it and be punished! I shall NOT be wounded and not return it in kind! I DEMAND A MAN’S VENGEANCE! (raises his sword, Excalibur, in a battle-ready stance)
(He suddenly changes gears) Proposition: I am a king—not a man. And a very civilized king. Could it possibly be civilized to destroy the thing I love? Could it possibly be civilized to love myself above all? What about their pain? And their torment? Did they ask for this calamity? Can passion be selected? Is there any doubt of their devotion to me, and to our Table? (smiles) By God! I shall be a king! This is the time of King Arthur, when we shall reach for the stars! This is the time of King Arthur, when violence is NOT strength, and compassion is NOT weakness! WE ARE CIVILIZED! Resolved! (to his sword) We shall live through this together, Excalibur! They, you, and I! And may God have mercy on us all!

There is a Chinese proverb that goes something like this: When you begin a journey of revenge, start by digging two graves —one for your enemy and one for yourself. If we are to live in a civilized nation, our political leaders need to rise above petty jealousies and govern by the rule of law. Let the system mete out justice and mercy as appropriate. As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”

Until then, may God have mercy on us all.

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[i] Spoken by King Arthur in the film Camelot.

[ii] Never by Ken Follett, ©2021, First published in the United States by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2021

[iii] See Wikipedia under “Revenge.”

[iv] Rocky IV:

• Production Companies: United Artists and Chartoff-Winkler Productions
• Director: Sylvester Stallone
• Writer: Sylvester Stallone
• Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, and Burt Young
• Release date: November 27, 1985

[v] A Time to Kill:

• Production Companies: New Regency Productions and Warner Bros.
• Director: Joel Schumaker
• Writers: John Grisham and Akiva Goldsman
• Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, and Samuel L. Jackson
• Release date: July 24, 1996

[vi] The Count of Monte Cristo:

• Production Companies: Touchstone Pictures, Spyglass Entertainment, and World 2000 Entertainment
• Director: Kevin Reynolds
• Writers: Alexandre Dumas and Jay Wolpert
• Starring: Jim Caviezel. Guy Pierce, and Christopher Adamson
• Release date: January 25, 2002

[vii] Camelot:

• Production Companies: Warner Bros/Seven Arts
• Director: Joshua Logan
• Writers: Alan J. Lerner and T.H. White
• Starring: Richard Harris, Vanessa Redgrave, and Franco Nero
• Release date: October 25, 1967

It’s been about a year and a half since we lost our son, Scott, to mental illness. During that time, I have learned a great deal about love, loss, and grief. I thought my loss was becoming a distant memory—that I would be okay. But then came Independence Day and the news of a wall of water cascading down a swollen river in the Texas Hill Country, killing at least 137, many of them children. And, like that wall of water, my grief came flooding back.  

If that wasn’t enough, earlier this week, I learned about another school shooting at a Catholic school in Minnesota, where two children, ages 8 and 10, were killed and at least 14 others were injured. The shooting occurred during a Mass at the school.

I cried when I heard the parents of the children who died in the Texas flood testify before the Texas legislature about their loss of children who died too soon, with their lives so much still ahead of them. So many what-ifs. So many memories that should have been formed, but will never be now. There are parents, families, and friends in Minnesota who now share the same grief.  Mayor Jacob Frey of Minneapolis said, “Children are dead, there are families that have a deceased child, you cannot put into words the gravity, tragedy, or absolute pain of the situation.” He added, “Don’t just say this is about thoughts and prayers right now. These kids were literally praying.”

This has got to stop. But I will save a discussion about gun violence for another time.

Where is God in all of this? In Texas, most of the lost children were at a Church camp! In Minnesota, the children were attending Mass! But I learned a long time ago that God doesn’t often intervene where I think He should. I sometimes joke that, if I ever get to heaven, I’ll be like Ricky Ricardo after Lucy did something foolish in I Love Lucy. “God, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do!”

Was I grieving over these kids and their parents? Or was this my own grief over the loss of my son all over again? I suppose it was some of both.

Elizabeth Kϋbler-Ross developed the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, although she would be the first to say that her stages are not a universal template. I don’t believe I followed her exact template. Instead, from my own experience, I have felt periods of sadness, anger, what-ifs, blaming, and more sadness.

At times, I have felt an overwhelming sadness that Scott is not a part of things like birthdays, graduations, weddings, anniversaries, and other events that we often take for granted. But sometimes, it’s the little things that are worse. I miss sharing a sporting event with him, his corny laugh, his gentleness with his kids, and even his crooked nose. So much reminds me of him. I relate so much to this scene from the film, The Sky is Everywhere,[i] which is the story of a teenager grieving over the death of her older sister:

How do people do it, staring at beds that are no longer slept in, no longer buying a particular kind of cereal, or listening to a favorite song? I have felt those same emotions. I have felt as if my heart has been ripped to shreds as well.

At first, I felt like all the little things reminding me of Scott were just cruel. I now appreciate them, although they are often drenched in sadness. It’s those little things that keep me connected to Scott, for he is in them, whether it is my wearing of one of his shirts, watching a baseball game and remembering how good he was at it, or seeing Scott in his children. Those little things help keep Scott alive for me.

When Scott first left us, I tried to make sense of it. I couldn’t. I blamed myself, his psychiatrist, God, and Scott himself. Why would someone at the prime of his life, with a good profession, and a loving and supportive family, choose to leave it all behind? I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I felt like this young boy in this scene from the movie, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close,[ii] grieving over the loss of his father on 9/11:

In the film, the boy spent two years visiting people named Black, trying to make sense of something that didn’t make sense to him, like why his father was killed in a building by people who didn’t even know him at all.

The boy didn’t find what he was looking for. What he found instead were many people who had their own stories of loss. Of all that we share as human beings, loss might be the most common. Or, as someone said, “Grief and love, we don’t get one without the other.” A line from one of my favorite musicals, Next to Normal, said it this way: “The price of love is loss, but we love anyway.” Because we all love, we will all grieve at some point (actually, many points) in our lives. But there is power in that shared love and loss. I was overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and concern for our family when friends, associates, and even strangers heard the news of Scott’s passing. Many did not know what to say, but simply being there gave us the strength to continue.

When I was twelve, my sister died. She was only 16. My mom never completely got over that loss. I now know how she feels. I love this scene from Rabbit Hole,[iii] and how grief stays with you forever, but becomes easier to carry around:

Like the grandmother and mother in the film, I am carrying a brick of grief in my pocket. But that’s okay, because that is what I have left of Scott. That brick might never go away, and I hope it doesn’t, for it is a good thing. That is what helps keep Scott alive in my heart.

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[i] The Sky is Everywhere:

• Production Companies: A24 and DiNovi Pictures
• Director: Josephine Decker
• Writer: Jandy Nelson
• Starring: Grace Kaufman, Jacques Colimon, and Cherry Jones
• Release date: February 11, 2022

[ii] Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close:

• Production Companies: Warner Bros., Scott Rudin Productions, and Paramount Pictures
• Director: Stephen Daldry
• Writers: Eric Roth and Jonathan Safran Foer
• Starring: Thomas Horn, Tom Hanks, and Sandra Bullock
• Release date: January 20, 2012

[iii] Rabbit Hole:

• Production Companies: Olympus Pictures, Blossum Films, and Madison Wells
• Director: John Cameron Mitchell
• Writer: David Lindsay-Abaire
• Starring: Nicole Kidman, Aaron Eckhart, and Dianne Wiest
• Release date: January 28, 2011

“Children are dead, there are families that have a deceased child, you cannot put into words the gravity, tragedy or absolute pain of the situation,” Mayor Jacob Frey of Minneapolis said at the news conference outside the school. He added: “Don’t just say this is about thoughts and prayers right now. These kids were literally praying.”

I recently watched the movie A Complete Unknown,[i] which follows the early career of Bob Dylan, from an unknown singer-songwriter to an international sensation. I have always been a Dylan fan, and so, I was pumped to watch the film. At one point in the film, he (as played remarkably by Timothée Chalamet) sings this:

I immediately thought of the time I played my guitar and sang “The Times, They Are a-Changing” in my high school English class. We were studying poetry, and I chose Dylan as my poet of choice.

That memory prompted me to think about the music that has surrounded my life, or, as Rob Sheffield said in Love is a Mix Tape, “The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with—nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they can add up to the story of a life.”

I suppose the mix tape of my life began when I was eight and stuck in bed for two solid months with rheumatic fever. To pass the time, I started listening to our portable stereo that my mom had placed right next to my bed. What did I listen to over and over and over again? The soundtrack to West Side Story. And much to my mother’s chagrin, my favorite song was “The Jet Song”: “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dying day. . . .”  And later in the song: “Here come the Jets like a bat out of hell, someone gets in our way, someone don’t feel so well.” Fortunately, I never joined any gangs.

As I grew older, I developed a love for folk music because that was what my two older brothers listened to. First, there was the Kingston Trio, and then Peter, Paul & Mary. I still believe that “Polly Von” is one of the saddest songs ever sung.

Now, whenever I hear a song by the Beach Boys, I think of sixth grade, when my friends and I debated who was the best band: The Beatles or The Beach Boys. I chose The Beach Boys. Maybe because I tend to be an introvert, my favorite song back then was “In My Room.” And it was perfect for slow dancing.

In middle school, one of my favorite songs was The Doors’ “Light My Fire.” That’s because I asked the cutest girl I dared to dance with me at a school dance, and the song ran for almost seven minutes.

Even today, whenever I hear “For What It’s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield, I think about making posters for a friend’s campaign for student body president of our junior high. He won, by the way, I’m sure, because of his dynamic campaign manager (me).

In the summer of 1971, my friends would come over to swim at our house. I would turn up the volume on our stereo in the living room, open the windows, and listen to James Taylor’s album, Mudslide Slim and the Blue Horizon. Although I love Carole King, it is hard to beat James Taylor’s rendition of “You’ve Got a Friend.”

Sadly, whenever I hear a Neil Diamond song, I can’t help but think of the Neil Diamond concert I attended in the spring of 1972. It was the worst date of my life. I try not to blame Mr. Diamond, but I still hold a grudge.

At 19, I started serving a church mission in Australia. I adopted Carole King’s “So Far Away” and Bob Dylan’s “I Shall Be Released” as my theme songs. But it wasn’t always melancholy. I also played and sang John Denver’s “Take Me Home Country Roads” on street corners to attract attention to our gospel message. Even now, when I hear any of those songs, it brings back memories of my days down under.

Speaking of theme songs, when I returned from that mission, I adopted a new one after breaking up with my girlfriend: Jim Croce’s “Lover’s Cross.” I still sing it when I play my guitar and can’t help but smile when I sing, “So I hope that you can find another who can take what I could not. He’ll have to be a super guy or maybe a super god. ’Cause I never was much of a martyr before and I ain’t ‘bout to start nothin’ new, and baby, I can’t hang upon no lover’s cross for you.”  

But I really smile now every time I hear a Carpenters song, as it reminds me of dancing with the love of my life at our wedding. “We’ve only just begun ….”

And now my life has come almost full circle. I still tear up when I play or hear Heartland’s “I Loved Her First,” as that was the song I danced with my daughter at her wedding. Those were tears of joy. I still cry tears of sadness whenever I hear Lin-Manuel Miranda’s “Unimaginable” from the musical Hamilton, or Wicked’s “Because I Knew You.” Last year, we went through the unimaginable after we lost our son to mental illness.

Even as an older adult with my life mostly over, I still find happiness through music. I recently burst with pride as I listened to my nine-year-old granddaughter sing Bruno Mars’ “Count on Me” at her school’s talent show.

These are just a few of the many experiences in my life that are tied to music.

I can’t imagine living a life without music. It has accentuated the good times and helped me through the bad times. Or, as Bruce Springsteen once said, “The best music is essentially there to provide you something to face the world with.”

But what if we couldn’t hear the music of our lives? The film CODA tells the story of what it’s like to be a hearing child of deaf adults (CODA), especially when you have a passion for music that those deaf adults cannot fully appreciate. This scene from CODA[ii] emphasizes what it might be like not to be able to hear the music:

One of the most incredible things music can do is bring us together. Regardless of our disagreements, we can usually find at least one song that we can enjoy together. In the film, Flora and Son,[iii] a single mom is constantly at odds with her teenage son. But after pulling a guitar out of a dumpster, they reconnect through music. And the music helps the mom find her true self. Here is the trailer for the film:

Is there someone you’d like to reconnect with, but you’re unsure how to go about it? Try music, for “Where words fail, music speaks” (Hans Christian Andersen). Regardless, let’s take the advice of Oliver Wendell Holmes: “Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. You will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body.”

Have a great listen. And sing along.

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[i] A Complete Unknown:

• Production Companies: Searchlight Pictures, Veritas Entertainment, and White Water
• Director: James Mangold
• Writers: James Mangold, Jay Cocks, and Elijah Wald
• Starring: Timothée Chalamet, Edward Norton, and Elle Fanning
• Release date: December 25, 2024

[ii] CODA:

• Production Companies: Apple Original Films, Vendôme Pictures, and Pathé Films
• Director: Sian Heder
• Writers: Sian Heder, Victoria Bedos, and Stanislas Carré de Malberg
• Starring: Emilia Jones, Marlee Matlin, and Troy Kotsur
• Release date: August 13, 2021

[iii] Flora and Son:

• Production Companies: Distressed Films, Fifth Season, and FilmNation Entertainment
• Director: John Carney
• Writer: John Carney
• Starring: Eve Hewson, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Orén Kinlan
• Release date: September 29, 2023

As a high school senior, I had to select an elective class to complete my schedule. I chose Sociology not because I had much interest in the subject, but because the teacher was somewhat attractive, and I discovered that a young woman I had a secret crush on was taking the class. But once the class started, I found the subject matter fascinating. I even got to talk to that secret crush every day. True to (my) form, nothing developed between the girl and me. And fifty years later, at our high school reunion, the woman of my teenage dreams didn’t even recognize me. Of course, I had hair back in high school and now sport a goatee. But I digress. 

One day, my Sociology class took a field trip to the state mental hospital. It was just like in some of the movies I had seen. There were individuals in padded rooms, from which we could only observe them through a window. Others were walking around mumbling to themselves, oblivious to us as if we didn’t exist. Others were so heavily sedated that they couldn’t get out of bed.

As the class walked down the hall, my friend standing next to me exclaimed, “Blah!”

Blah? What did that mean, I thought.

I then saw a young boy about twelve years old run up and hug my friend. They embraced for a long moment, gently rocking back and forth. Then my friend turned and introduced me to him. “This is my cousin, Blah,” he said.

And Blah gave me a hug. I was unsure what I was supposed to do, so I just hugged him back.

I turned to my friend after the boy let go of me. “This is your cousin? And his name is Blah?”

“That’s his nickname,” he explained. “We call him that because when he started to talk, that was all he said.”

Blah stood staring at me with a massive grin on his face. I realized that was the first time I had ever met a person with Down syndrome. And I wondered what he was doing in a place like this?

Fortunately, we have come a long way from the days when we routinely locked away individuals with Down syndrome in state mental hospitals.

About one child in 700 born in the United States has Down syndrome, with the chances of having a baby with Down syndrome going up as the age of the mother increases. It results when a fertilized egg in the womb ends up with three copies of chromosome 21 instead of the usual two. Although no two children with Down syndrome are exactly alike, physically, children with Down syndrome often take longer to sit, talk, and walk. Intellectually, they frequently struggle with focusing, remembering, learning, and making decisions. Life expectancy for those with Down syndrome has increased from just nine years in 1900, to 28 years in 1984, to over sixty years today. But with the increase in life expectancy, their rates of Alzheimer’s and dementia have increased disproportionately compared to the general population.  

I hadn’t thought of that experience at the state mental hospital for decades, but the memories came flooding back after I watched the movie Where Hope Grows[i] (currently streaming on Netflix). It is the story of a washed-up baseball player whose career is cut short because of alcoholism, who turns his life around due to an unlikely friendship with a young man (nicknamed “Produce”) with Down syndrome who works in the produce department of the local grocery store.  Here is the trailer for the film:

I agree and disagree with the line from the movie stating that someone with Down syndrome is “the same as you and me.” They are like us in that they are human with unique personalities, challenges, and needs. But most of us don’t have that “magical happiness” that those with Down syndrome possess. It’s hard to remain depressed while around them. Or as Produce says, “I’m good. Even when I’m bad, I’m good.” If you haven’t seen the film, I recommend doing so; it will touch your heart and lift your spirits.

But not all movies with characters who have Down syndrome are “happily ever after.” Actual events inspired Any Day Now[ii] (currently streaming on Prime Video) and tells the story of a gay couple’s attempt, in the 1970s, to retain custody of an abandoned child with Down syndrome. Here is the trailer for the film:

I couldn’t agree more with these words of Ray about Marco (the teenager with Down syndrome): “Marco didn’t ask to be born to a junkie, didn’t ask to be different, didn’t ask for none of this. And I just don’t see why he should be punished for the stuff that ain’t his fault.” However, we all know that life isn’t fair, and despite Marco’s wish for a story with a happy ending, in this case, it doesn’t come to pass.

If those with Down syndrome didn’t ask to be born that way, should we change it if we could? Scientists in Japan have recently used gene editing to target and remove the extra chromosome, without disrupting the other functions of the cell. We are a long way from the actual treatment of Down syndrome, but it is a remarkable first step. Some might argue that these are steps that shouldn’t be taken, as Down syndrome is an integral part of the person’s identity, not a disease that needs to be cured. But it is at least something we should discuss.

Until the day when we might be able to change Down syndrome, let’s drop the negative stereotypes and appreciate those with it for the people they are and learn from their exceptional gifts of love and happiness. I mean, couldn’t all of us use a hug? A restaurant owner with Down syndrome, Tim Harris, loves giving hugs to customers.  As he describes it, “My favorite part of the work day is giving out the free Tim Hugs. They are on my menu, and most people order at least one. So far, I’ve given out nearly 40,000 hugs. I even have a counter on the wall to keep track of the total. I guess you can say I’m a lean, mean, hugging machine.”

The world would be a much better place if we had more lean, mean hugging machines. And remember, friends don’t count chromosomes.

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[i] Where Hope Grows:

• Production Companies: Godspeed Pictures, Stealth Tiger Entertainment, and Attic Light Films
• Director: Chris Dowling
• Writer: Chris Dowling
• Starring: Kristopher Polaha, David DeSanctis, and McKaley Miller
• Release date: May 15, 2015

[ii] Any Day Now:

• Production Company: PMF Pictures
• Director: Travis Fine
• Writers: Travis Fine and George Arthur Bloom
• Starring: Alan Cumming, Garret Dillahunt, and Isaac Leyva
• Release date: September 6, 2013

With another Father’s Day around the corner, I once again feel the awesome responsibility I have as a father.  I use “awesome” in all contexts of that word.  There can be nothing more exciting and rewarding than being a parent. But there is also nothing in life more frightening. And that responsibility never ends. Even our adult children still need a father.

The head of the Church I grew up in made a famous statement about parents. David O. McKay said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”But what makes a good parent?  How do we know if we’re succeeding or failing miserably?  Despite our natural inclinations to judge a tree by its fruit, our children’s actions do not necessarily indicate the type of parent we are. I have been around long enough to realize that great parents do not necessarily have great kids, and great kids often succeed despite their parents.

The first time I sat in Janene’s kitchen before we married, I noticed a plaque on the wall that read, “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories.” Janene and I have five kids and feel pretty much the same way.  Although our children have some similarities, there are also significant differences among them.  I sometimes wonder how five children, all raised in the same home, can be so different.  The one thing I’ve learned as a parent is that children come pre-wired. They have minds of their own, and coupling that with agency, you never know how things will turn out.  So we try to be philosophical. We’ve attempted, as parents, to teach them things we feel are essential to success, but we try not to take the blame if they do things that we consider not so wise.  But the opposite is also true.  We don’t feel like we can take much credit for any of the good things they do. Fortunately, our children do many good things.

So, how do we measure our success as parents?  Here is what another church leader, James E. Faust, said about that:

Children come into this world with their own distinct spirits and personality traits.  Some children would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances.  Perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of, and be a joy to, almost any father or mother.  Successful parents are those who have sacrificed and struggled to do the best they can in their own family circumstances.

Or, as I like to say, do the best you can with what you’ve got where you’re at.

So, if parents have a somewhat limited influence on their children, at least more limited than we often believe, who influences our children the most? A recent New York Times article suggests that siblings have a greater impact on our children than we, as parents, do. In her article, “The Surprising Ways That Siblings Shape Our Lives,” Susan Dominus notes:

Parents, I sometimes think, forever see their children as fixed, essentially unchanged from who they were when they first entered the world — as, say, a fussy baby or overeager toddler…. Siblings see one another out in the wild, how they interact with other children; siblings are spies, forever sizing up the competition, sometimes threatened, but just as often proud.

Much of the evidence of the impact of siblings on each other is anecdotal, but it is a field of growing research by social scientists. If those social scientists were to interview me, I could provide them with much additional anecdotal evidence of my children’s influence on each other. For example, our oldest son had a greater impact on his brother’s career choice than I did. Our daughter didn’t dare disobey any of our house rules because of the trouble her older brothers got into. One son looked to his older brother as his spiritual advisor.

Each of our children has had challenges. Two of our sons have struggled with mental illness. Another has struggled with alcoholism. But those challenges have influenced our other son. He realizes he might have most of the same genes as his struggling siblings, which has kept him on the lookout for similar issues, and motivated him to take steps in his life to keep his mental health strong.

Social scientists have determined that one of the keys to success in children is an environment that encourages them to try things for themselves. Siblings tend to understand that more than parents. Parents are often trying to shield their children from failure or embarrassment. For example, how frequently do we, as parents, step in and help or even take over for our kids, such as learning to tie their shoes, rather than letting the child struggle to learn it on their own?

Social scientists would only need to look at movies to see how siblings influence one another. I recently watched Young Woman and the Sea,[i] which is the true story of Trudy Ederle, who, in 1926, became the first woman to swim the English Channel. The film is currently streaming on Disney+. The first time I watched the film, I saw it as a story about how society treated women a century ago, placing limits on them that now seem almost laughable. After reading Ms. Dominus’s New York Times article, I rewatched the film as a commentary on family dynamics.

 As a young girl in 1914, Trudy witnessed the capsizing of a ferry in which hundreds died. Most of the casualties were women who died because they didn’t know how to swim. Trudy’s mother decided to teach her siblings, Meg and Henry Jr., to swim to ensure their survival. However, her mother would not let Trudy swim, as she had recently recovered from the measles. “If Meg swims,” Trudy responds, “I swim.” Her parents relent and let Trudy take swimming lessons along with Meg. Their teacher saw greater potential in Meg as a competitive swimmer. But Trudy was not about to be outdone by her older sister. Soon, it was Trudy who was destined to break swimming records and win Olympic medals. Here is a trailer for the film.

As Trudy attempts to swim the English Channel, her father repeatedly demands that she quit, but her sister, Meg, repeatedly urges her on. It is Meg whom Trudy listens to. At one point, Meg even joins her in the cold Atlantic to pace Trudy because “Trudy hates to lose a race.” Meg then challenges Trudy, saying, “Race you around the pier!” It was a challenge that the two sisters often gave each other as they grew up. In short, Trudy’s dad keeps trying to protect her, while Meg helps her achieve greatness—something siblings often do for each other.

One of the greatest joys of being a grandfather is spending time with grandkids. And sometimes, I get the opportunity to tend our youngest, Nora. Nora often tells me she wants to “watch a show.” And one of her favorite shows, which will come as no surprise, is Frozen.[ii] And what is the storyline of Frozen?  The relationship between two sisters. Here is a compilation of some scenes from Frozen that illustrate the love between Elsa and Anna:

Many of my favorite movies deal with the relationship between siblings. Here are a few of them:

• Slumdog Millionaire: Two orphaned brothers learn how to survive in the slums of Mumbai, creating experiences that help one of them answer questions on the quiz show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
• What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: A young man must care for his mentally challenged brother. The responsibility of caring for a sibling with special needs is overwhelming at times, despite their deep love for each other.
• A League of Their Own: During World War II, two sisters compete with and against each other in the first female professional baseball league.
• Rain Man: A man from an estranged family learns he has an institutionalized brother he didn’t remember he had. He kidnaps the brother, an autistic savant, and discovers that his brother was an essential part of his childhood, developing an unselfish love for his long-lost brother.
• Little Women: Four sisters clash with each other, are jealous of each other, love each other, and ultimately unite over the death of one of them.

I suggest you take a second look at these films, this time focusing on the relationship and impact of siblings on each other, both for good and evil.  

Ultimately, we are influenced by many factors. Are we who we are because of nature (or what we inherit from our parents and ancestors)? Or is it nurture that has the bigger impact? It is both. And when we think of nurture, we must consider all environmental factors, including the influence of parents, siblings, friends, teachers, our socioeconomic status, and even the weather.

This Father’s Day, let your dad know how much you appreciate the good influence he had on you. But also remember (and thank) the other people in your life who have had an impact. And fathers and grandfathers? Please remember these words of Clarence Budington Kelland: “My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

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[i] Young Woman and the Sea:

• Production Companies: Jerry Bruckheimer Films, Paramount Pictures, and Walt Disney Pictures
• Director: Joachim Ronning
• Writers: Jeff Nathanson and Glenn Stout
• Starring: Daisy Ridley, Tilda Cobham-Hervey, and Stephen Graham
• Release Date: July 19, 2024

[ii] Frozen:

• Production Companies: Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Animation Studios
• Directors: Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee
• Writers: Jennifer Lee, Hans Christian Andersen, and Chris Buck
• Starring: Kristen Bell (voice), Idina Menzel (voice), and Jonathan Groff (voice)
• Release Date: November 27, 2013

I have heard the expression, “Hope springs eternal,” many times throughout my life. I always thought it was a reference to baseball and spring training, meaning that as spring begins, a Major League baseball team hopes that this year will be different; this year, they will win the World Series.

The expression can refer to other sports as well. This year, the University of Utah women’s gymnastics team—the Red Rocks—made it to the NCAA final four again, or as the gymnastic junkies call it, “The Four on the Floor.” Utah has the longest-running streak of making it to the Four on the Floor, five times running. And the Red Rocks are the only team that has qualified for every NCAA national championship and has won it ten times. But its last win was in 1995—thirty years ago. This year, the team thought it was their year again and led all other teams going into the final day of competition. But several of their most experienced gymnasts had uncharacteristic off days, and the Red Rocks finished a disappointing fourth.   

How did the Red Rocks react to their fourth-place finish? One member, who returns to the program next year, summed it up this way: “I think we can just be hungrier. I think we can do everything we need to in the gym over this next season. We are going to come out here (next year) and show everyone who we are at Utah gymnastics.” Another team member added: “I think the freshmen now, especially, have a little bit of their toes dipped in the water and they’re gonna be a lot hungrier than they were this season, especially myself. I’m excited to see what we can bring to the table. Especially over the summer, I’m excited to see how hungry we will be.” In short, hope springs eternal for Utah gymnastics.

The expression, though, is not limited to sports. “Hope springs eternal” is from the poem, An Essay on Man, by Alexander Pope:

Hope springs eternal in the human breast:

Man never is, but always to be blest:

The soul, uneasy and confin’d from home,

Rests and expatiates in a life to come.”

I was never good at analyzing poetry, but scholars tell me Pope meant that we have to have the hope that living a righteous life will bring us blessings in the hereafter, even when times are hard in this life. I prefer what Desmond Tutu said: “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

The highest rated film of all time on the Internet Movie Database is The Shawshank Redemption.[i] It is easy to understand why, because it inspires us to have hope when life seems almost unbearable. As you will recall, a banker (Andy, played by Tim Robbins) is wrongly convicted of murdering his wife and her lover. While in prison, Andy befriends Red (played by Morgan Freeman) over a quarter of a century, always maintaining his innocence and hoping that justice will ultimately prevail. In one scene, Andy explains to his fellow inmates that hope is something inside you that even the prison guards can’t take away from you. Here is the scene from the film:

Red, though, has lost his hope and considers it a dangerous thing. It can drive a man insane. There is no use for hope in prison. It will only lead to disappointment, as all the hope in the world will not get you out if you are burdened with a life sentence.

Some people are burdened with a life sentence in the form of mental illness. Why should they hope? They reason that nothing will cure their mental illness. And that loss of hope often results in death by suicide. For example, studies show that between 25 percent and 60 percent of those with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once in their lives, and between four percent and 19 percent will die by suicide. 

But in The Shawshank Redemption, Andy is undeterred. He keeps his hope alive and finds a way to escape after many years behind bars. And that gives Red hope until he is finally paroled. Here is a scene near the end of the movie:

Yes, hope is a good thing—maybe the best thing—we can have in this life.

Last weekend, I participated in the tenth annual 100-mile “Walk to Wendover.” It is a fundraiser to raise awareness of suicide prevention. The walk starts in Tooele, Utah, and ends in Wendover, Nevada, a hundred miles away. As I listened to some of the walkers’ stories about a loved one who died by suicide or their own demons, I contemplated my own family’s struggles with it. I reminded myself that most people who take their own lives do so because they have lost hope. They don’t see how their lives can get better, so they do what is necessary to end the pain they are experiencing.

Barack Obama once said, “Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it and to work for it and to fight for it.” But how do we convince someone who has lost hope and contemplates death by suicide to muster that courage and fight for something better in their lives? One way might be to remind them of these sayings my daughter wore on her t-shirt during the walk:

• It’s OK to not be OK.
• You are enough.
• The world is a better place with you in it.
• Don’t be so hard on yourself.
• Keep going; tomorrow needs you!

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know there is hope. Life can be hard, but we can do hard things. And with hope, miracles happen. Or, as the tagline from The Shawshank Redemption reminds us, “Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.”

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The Shawshank Redemption:

• Production Company: Castle Rock Entertainment
• Director: Frank Darabont
• Writers: Stephen King and Frank Darabont
• Starring: Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, and Bob Gunton
• Release date: October 14, 1994

February 24 marked the first anniversary of losing our son, Scott, to mental illness. It has been a challenging year for our family. But inspired by the book Human Kind: Changing the World One Small Act at a Time by Brad Aronson, my wife and I decided to turn our day of grief into a day of belief—a belief that life could still be good even with loss and tragedy.

Scott was such a loving, caring, generous dad, husband, pediatric dentist, and friend to everyone he came in contact with. I know it’s a cliché, but Scott would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He spent his whole, short life concerned about others. So, we decided to remember and honor Scott on the 24th by doing at least one act of kindness for someone else. We hoped the joy we felt from helping another in need would turn our grief over losing Scott into the belief in the worth and goodness of others.

We asked others to join us—first, our immediate family, then extended family, and then friends through word of mouth and Facebook. We were overwhelmed by the number of people who responded to the challenge of doing an act of kindness on the anniversary of our day of grief. #GriefintoBelief. Facebook friends shared my post, and we got responses from people I haven’t had contact with for years and many others I didn’t even know.

Since everything important in life I learned from the movies, I immediately thought of Pay It Forward[i] and this scene:

I have learned that acts of kindness are contagious. If someone does something nice to you, it makes you want to do something nice to someone else. Like ripples from a stone thrown into a pool, kindness spreads exponentially. Perhaps more importantly, performing a simple act of kindness helps us deal with our grief.

In Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy,[ii] it’s been four years since her husband died, and Bridget (played by Renee Zellweger) is still struggling to move on. I love what she says about her loss: “Life has its white notes and life has its black notes…. Very black notes…. And even though there might be 600,000 words in the English language, the world still struggles to find the right words when someone you love is gone.” I have found that true as both the giver of those words and the receiver. Ultimately, however, Bridget can experience some happiness in her life again. Here is the trailer for the film:

In The Fundamentals of Caring,[iii] Ben Benjamin (played by Paul Ruud) is trying to move past the death of his son two and a half years ago. He can’t keep a job; his marriage is in shambles—his wife is seeking a divorce. Ben realizes he needs to find a way to support himself, so he becomes a certified caregiver. His first client is a young man who uses a wheelchair and suffers from a type of muscular dystrophy. Here is the trailer for the movie:

Through losing himself in the service of others, Ben can move past the death of his son. Although we know about the death of Ben’s son at the outset of the film, we do not learn of the circumstances until the end in this emotional scene [Spoiler Alert!]:

I don’t know how anyone could be the same after something like that.

So, how did our day of good deeds go? Better than I could have imagined. I became aware of only a few acts of kindness performed on the anniversary of Scott’s death, knowing that often the best way to give is anonymously. Here are just a few of the kindnesses I heard about. Many people made donations to charities in memory of Scott, most dealing with mental health and suicide prevention. Some acts were as large as buying a car for a needy family (Scott once did that!) and as small as sending a letter of gratitude to someone who had impacted their lives. One man and his sons took out their neighbors’ trash cans for collection up and down the street and enlisted other boys in the neighborhood to help them. One woman delivered plants to all the pediatric dentists in her neighborhood in Scott’s honor (Scott was a pediatric dentist), while a group of young women gave passersby a single orange rose (Scott’s favorite color). Each rose had a tag that read “Keep Going, Tomorrow Needs You” on one side and an uplifting message on the other, such as “You are SEEN and deeply loved.” I heard examples of people passing out gift cards or buying the meal of the person behind them at fast-food restaurants. People took meals and treats to their neighbors. And one person gave hope and comfort to a person contemplating suicide.

Did we change the world? Perhaps not, but for one day, the world became a better place.  

We will make this an annual tradition. But my dream is to make every day a day of kindness, at least to those people around me. Can you take the challenge and do the same?

Despite the good feelings we received by doing a few kind acts on the anniversary of Scott’s death, we still miss him terribly. But I believe he would have been honored and humbled by all the kind acts performed in his honor.

I can’t say I know our souls continue to live after our bodies die and decay, but I hope with all my heart they do if only so we can be with loved ones again. But until I die and find out for myself, I take comfort in this exchange between Bridget Jones’ boy (Billy) and his teacher (Mr. Walliker):

Billy (speaking of his dad, who has died): “What if I forget him? I don’t want to forget him. But what if I do?”

Mr. Walliker: Let me tell you this, Billy. Your dad is everywhere. He’s everywhere. Right now, in this moment. And that’s a scientific fact. Energy is only transferred. It can never be destroyed. And more importantly, your father is in you.” Thanks to all who took the challenge to honor Scott with acts of kindness. I love you, Scott. Please know that many around you do the same. That is true of you, Scott, and it is true of everyone. The world needs us all more

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[i] Pay It Forward:

• Production Companies: Warner Bros, Bel Air Entertainment, and Tapestry Films
• Director: Mimi Leder
• Writers: Catherine Ryan Hyde and Leslie Dixon
• Starring: Kevin Spacey, Haley Joel Osment, and Helen Hunt
• Release Date: October 20, 2000

[ii] Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy:

• Production Companies: Universal Pictures, StudioCanal, and Miramax
• Director: Michael Morris
• Writers: Helen Fielding, Dan Mazer, and Abi Morgan
• Starring: Renee Zellweger, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Leo Woodall
• Release Date: February 13, 2025
• Streaming on Peacock

[iii] The Fundamentals of Caring:

• Production Companies: Levantine Films and Worldwide Pants
• Director: Rob Burnett
• Writers: Rob Burnett and Jonathan Evison
• Starring: Craig Roberts, Paul Ruud, and Selena Gomez
• Release Date: June 24, 2016
• Streaming on Netflix