[WARNING: THIS BLOG POST DISCUSSES SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE]
Someone once said, “We may never know what was inside that took them away from us. They did the best they could until they couldn’t any longer. They never wanted to leave us. They just didn’t know how to stay.” March was Self-Injury Awareness Month; May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. I am acutely aware of the perils of both self-injury and poor mental health, as it has been just over two months since we lost our son, Scott. His death certificate might say he died by self-harm, but mental illness killed him.
Last year, Scott’s doctor diagnosed him as having bipolar disorder, but looking back, we now see possible signs of that illness several years before that. All mental diseases are horrible to those who have to live with them—and to those who have to live next to them—but bipolar might be one of the worst, as twenty percent of those diagnosed with it ultimately end their lives by self-harm. Twenty percent! Think about that. One in five diagnosed with bipolar will end their lives by suicide. We have five children, and two of them have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So, perhaps we shouldn’t have been shocked to lose one of them. But shocked or not, the loss of any child is a shock to the survivors’ mental health. Those who knew and loved Scott—and there were many—have shed many tears since his passing as we try to understand the whys and what we could have done differently to keep him here. But as my wise niece told me, “No amount of love can compensate for faulty brain chemistry. Sometimes, we’ve done everything we can, and the unimaginable happens anyway.”
And so, we are left to pick up the pieces.
Sadly, Scott’s death is not the first in our family to end their lives by self-harm. We also lost Gene, my brother-in-law, and Scott’s uncle. Even though Gene’s death occurred many years ago, we still mourn the loss of the gentle soul that he was. And Scott’s death has reopened those old wounds. The wounds left behind by the loss of a loved one eventually heal, but scars remain where those wounds once were and can easily be ripped open again.
A lot has changed between Gene’s death and Scott’s. Mental health professionals have improved their understanding of these diseases and how best to treat them. But it is still more of an art than a science. But perhaps the most significant improvement is that we are slowly—ever so slowly—removing the stigma surrounding mental illnesses. We still have a long, long way to go.
Three of my beautiful nieces participated in an event sponsored by the Life’s Worth Living Foundation to raise awareness of suicide. Jessica, Ashley, and Mindy joined about 150 others who walked (often in the rain) a hundred miles from Tooele, Utah, to Wendover, Nevada. Jessica and Ashley are Gene’s two daughters, so the walk was especially meaningful for them. And the rest of the family walked with them vicariously. Most of the family intends to join them next year. Here is a short clip memorializing the walk:
Here are my nieces, showing that difficult things can still be fun:
Recently, I watched three movies that dealt with suicide, hoping to learn something from them that I could incorporate into my grieving process.
Kingdom of Us[i] (currently streaming on Netflix) is a documentary that follows a family of a widow and her seven children dealing with the death by suicide of their husband and father. Here is its trailer:
It surprised me how badly the family continued to struggle even eight years after their father’s death. I was impressed by how many photos and videos they had of happier times with their dad, which seemed to help their mental outlook, especially the youngest daughter, who was only six at the time of the death and could barely remember her father. Scott’s youngest is only six. I am glad that our family has so many photos and videos of Scott, especially those that show what a fun, loving father he was. Finally, I saw how the kids in the documentary struggled with abandonment issues. Several of them wondered why they were not enough to keep their father alive. I worry the same about our grandchildren, but I am confident they are getting the professional help they need.
A Man Called Otto[ii] (currently streaming on Netflix) tells the story of a cranky man (played by Tom Hanks) who has given up on life after the death of his wife. He attempts death by self-harm several times, but he fails in each attempt. Then, a young family moves across the street, and their friendship changes Otto’s world. I love this movie because it illustrates how vital connections can be in our lives, which might be the best suicide prevention. This scene from the film also demonstrates how little we often know about the struggles of those around us:
We all have issues we are dealing with, but it’s hard for us to reveal them to others. We think that if we do, we will appear weak or even pathetic. But, as in A Man Called Otto, most people are empathic (not judgmental) and will do anything to help us. Or, as Stevie Wonder sings, “That’s what friends (and family) are for.”
In All the Bright Places[iii] (currently streaming on Netflix), Violet (played by Elle Fanning) is grieving the loss of her sister, who was killed in an automobile accident in which Violet survived. On what would have been her sister’s 19th birthday, Violet contemplates death by suicide but is rescued just in time by Finch (played by Justice Smith). Violet and Finch begin a love story that will change each others’ lives forever as they learn that even the most ordinary places can lead to something extraordinary. Here is the final scene of the film:
But, as Scott taught us, even love wasn’t enough to rescue Finch. Tragically, both Scott and Finch worried too much about what would happen if they lived and not what they would miss if they didn’t.
Mental illness is real—as real as any physical disease or disability. There should be no stigma attached to it. If you are struggling in any way mentally, please get the help you need. It is too hard to try to power through it on your own.
Whether or not you are suffering from mental illness, gather those you love around you often and tell them how much you love them. You never know when opportunities to do that might disappear. Never forget that real men (and women) hug—and do it often.
Thanks again to my nieces-heroes Jessica, Ashley, and Mindy for honoring Scott and Gene.
If you are thinking about suicide or just need to talk to someone, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or by texting HOME to 741741, the Crisis Text Line. Your life is worth living.
[i] Kingdom of Us:
- Production Companies: BFI Film Fund, Pulse Films, and Raw Cut Television
- Director: Lucy Cohen
- Starring: Jamie-Jodie Shanks, Kacie-Kimie Shanks, and Lorie-Lanie Shanks
- Release Date: October 13, 2017
[ii] A Man Called Otto:
- Production Companies: 2Dux2, Artistic Films, and Big Indie Pictures
- Director: Marc Forester
- Screenwriters: Fredrik Bachman, Hannes Holm, and David Magee
- Starring: Tom Hanks, Mariana Treviño, and Rachel Keller
- Release Date: January 13, 2023
[iii] All the Bright Places:
- Production Companies: Echo Lake Entertainment, The Mazur Kaplan Company
- Director: Brett Haley
- Screenwriters: Jennifer Niven and Liz Hannah
- Starring: Elle Fanning, Justice Smith, and Alexandra Shipp
- Release Date: February 28, 2020