Over two thousand years ago, a heavenly choir gathered to perform one of the most exciting concerts ever. It was an outdoor performance to only a select few – a handful of shepherds and their flocks in the hills outside of Bethlehem. The message of the music was simple: “Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace, good will toward men.” (Luke 2:14.)

Of course, the choir was there to help announce the birth of the one who many now call the Savior. And His message is one of peace. Shortly before His crucifixion, He said to His apostles, “Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.” (John 14:27.)

But where is that peace today? All around us we see, hear and often live just the opposite. War, murder, road rage, contention, violence, distrust, revenge, anger, death, destruction, anguish, brutality, bullying, abuse, despair, sorrow, shattered hopes, heartache, disappointment, hatred.  These are not just words we know; we often live them – whether we want to or not.

I remember as a young boy, sitting in church this time of year, singing the carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. The chorister abruptly ended the song after the third verse:

• And in despair I bowed my head
• There is no peace on earth I said
• For hate is strong and mocks the song
• Of peace on earth goodwill to men

I remember thinking, what kind of Christmas carol is that? But I’m older now, and perhaps a little wiser. I admit, with the news each day filled with violence, hatred and tragedy, I often feel the same way as Longfellow did.

World peace is on the Christmas wish list of many. We hope that world leaders, through treaties, cease fires, pacts and other agreements, will bring us peace. Ironically, world peace really begins with each of us individually. If each individual, regardless of belief or religion, could radiate the true spirit of Christmas, then every home would radiate peace. A thousand such homes would build a truly peaceful city, and a thousand such cities would bring the beginning of peace on earth for everyone.

So what keeps us from experiencing peace? Often is it because we let anger get the best of us – even when we feel we are justified.  As Halifax said, “Anger is seldom without an argument, but seldom with a good one.” I have always loved this clip from Happy Gilmore*:

It usually takes two people to make one of them angry. Often, our anger arises from a simple misunderstanding. We don’t hear something correctly, or the story changes as it goes from person to person. Or as we lawyers like to say, we assume facts not in evidence. Speaking of lawyers, enjoy this clip from Erin Brockovich**:

Often our anger emanates from a desire to get even, a desire for revenge, which King Arthur, in the movie, Camelot, calls “the most worthless of causes.” But revenge is like biting a dog because the dog bit you. Or as the movie, Seabiscuit*** illustrates, the time spent getting even is much better used getting ahead:

Often, the acts of violence we experience are the result of one person exercising power and control over us. The victims of domestic abuse, rape and bullying feel helpless under the power and control of the perpetrator. Even those in war are often the “victims” of their superior officers. But studies have shown, for example, that if even one person stands up to a bully, the bullying will stop. As Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” I love this scene from Eye in the Sky**** showing how, even in the military, raising an issue can lead to a more peaceful solution:

An even better solution might be to follow the advice of the person whose birth we are celebrating: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44.) As this clip from The War***** illustrates, it really can be done:

With William Gladstone, I “look forward to the time when the power of love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.” As the carol says, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” This Christmas, let’s give some of the gifts suggested by someone I admire:

This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again. (Howard W. Hunter)

These are the truly special gifts we can give this holiday season. Happy holidays to all, and may you and yours enjoy peace.

*Happy Gilmore

• Production: Universal Pictures, Brillstein-Grey Enertainment and Robert Simonds Productions
• Directed: Dennis Dugan
• Screenplay: Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler
• Starring: Adam Sandler, Christopher McDonald and Jule Bowen
• Release Date: February 16, 1996

**Erin Brockovich

• Production: Universal Pictures, Columbia Pictures and Jersey Films
• Directed: Steven Soderbergh
• Screenplay: Susannah Grant
• Starring: Julia Roberts and Albert Finney
• Release Date: March 17, 2000

***Seabiscuit

• Production: Universal Pictures, DreamWorks, Spyglass Entertainment
• Directed: Gary Ross
• Screenplay: Gary Ross (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Toby Maguire, Jeff Bridges and Elizabeth Banks
• Release Date: July 25, 2003

****Eye in the Sky

• Production: Raindog Films, Entertainment One
• Directed: Gavin Hood
• Screenplay: Guy Hibbert
• Starring: Helen Mirren, Aaron Paul, Alan Rickman
• Release Date: March 11, 2016

*****The War

• Production: Island World
• Directed: Jon Avnet
• Screenplay: Kathy McWorter
• Starring: Elijah Wood, Kevin Costner, Mare Winningham
• Release Date: Noveber 4, 1994

The Psalmist of the Bible tells us, “Children are a heritage of the Lord…. Happy is the man that has his quiver full of them.” If ancient King David is anything like me, he grinned when he wrote that, for the thought of having a quiver-full of kids makes me, well, quiver. Providing a safe place for our children, and the food and clothing that go along with it, can be a terrifying responsibility. Even worse, raising a child to be a self-sufficient, functioning and productive member society can be overwhelming. Having had five children of my own, I have learned by my own experience the roller coaster ride that being a parent can be. My family has been the center of the greatest highs in my life; they have also been at the center of my deepest lows.

Most of us go into marriage and starting a family not fully appreciating the patience, kindness, long-suffering and wisdom raising children requires. The problem of being a parent is, by the time you are trained well enough to do the job effectively, you are essentially unemployed (although I realize you never stop being a parent, even after your kids leave home). And often, as we are in the middle of our on the job training, we feel like Allyson in Mom’s Night Out,* a total failure as a parent – that we just aren’t good enough. But we are. Although a bit preachy, I love the message of this clip:

My in-laws had six kids and a plaque on their wall that said, “Before I got married I had six different theories about raising children. Now I have six kids—and no theories.” My wife and I feel pretty much the same way. Although our five children have some similarities, there are also great differences among them. I sometimes wonder how five children, all raised in the same environment, can be so different. In short, our children come pre-wired. They have minds of their own. So I try to be philosophical. I’ve tried, as a parent, to teach them things I feel are important for them to succeed, but I try not to take the blame if they do things that I consider not to be so smart. But the opposite is also true. I don’t feel like I can take credit for any of the good things they do.

So in this post I won’t throw out any theories on how to best raise children; there are entire sections in libraries and bookstores that attempt to tackle that subject. Instead, let me share two simple truths about children:

Truth No. 1: As Arnold Glasow said it, “The best thing to spend on children is your time.” Or as my wife would say, “It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we’re together.” The movie, Chef** tells of how a father takes a road trip in a food truck to recapture his passion for cooking, but more importantly, to reconnect with his son by working together:

By playing together (just hanging out):

And by learning from each other:

And when it comes to all things technological, who better to learn from than our own children?

Truth No. 2: Love all your children all the time. When they need it, and when they deserve it. My children are far from perfect—just like their dad. I hope my children feel my love for them, even when they sometimes do what I consider to be foolish.

In Silver Linings Playbook,*** after a stint in a mental institution due to his bipolar disorder, adult son, Pat, moves back into his parents’ home.  In this, one of my favorite scenes from the movie, Pat’s father, tries to help his son, even though he’s not quite sure how. So he tries to connect through something they both have in common, a love of football:

The important thing is Pat, Sr. never gives up on his son.

A young woman once wrote about the continuous heartache her brother had caused her parents. He got involved in drugs. He resisted all efforts at control and discipline. He was deceitful and defiant. Ultimately, he got caught with drugs by the police and finally forced to face the consequences of his actions. For two years his parents supported her brother in his treatment program, both economically and morally, which ultimately brought about his eventual recovery from his addiction. In summary, this young woman wrote:

“I think my parents are extraordinary.  They never wavered in their love for [my brother], though they disagreed with and even hated what he was doing to himself and to their family life. But they were committed enough to their family to support [my brother] in any way necessary to get him through the tough times and onto more solid ground.”

So love your kids when they make you proud. But more importantly, love them when they don’t. And the corollary is just as important.  Don’t judge other parents by what their children may sometimes do.

Hopefully, you’ll find more highs than lows when it comes to your children. In the final analysis, I hope that you can agree with George Banks  in Father of the Bride Part II,**** that life doesn’t get any better than this:

Let’s tip our caps to all those parents and grandparents who spend time with their children or grandchildren, and love them regardless. And if you happen to have a parent or grandparent who exemplify these two truths, give thanks – especially to them.

*Mom’s Night Out

Production: Affirm Films, FourBoys Entertainment and Provident Films

Directed: Andrew Erwin and Jon Erwin

Screenplay: Jon Erwin and Andrea Nasfell

Starring: Sarah Drew, Sean Austin and Patricia Heaton

Release Date: May 9, 2014

**Chef

Production: Aldamisa Entertainment and Kilburn Media

Directed: Jon Favreau

Screenplay: Jon Favreau

Starring: Jon Favreau, Robert Downey, Jr. and Scarlett Johansson

Release Date:  May 30, 2014

***Silver Linings Playbook

Production: The Weinstein Company

Directed: David O. Russell

Screenplay: David O. Russell (based on the book by Matthew Quick

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert DeNiro

Release Date: November 16, 2012

****Father of the Bride Part II

Production: Sandollar Productions, Taylor-Made Productions and The Meyers/Shyer Company

Directed: Charles Shyer

Screenplay: Albert Hackett, Frances Goodrich, Nancy Meyers and Charles Shyer

Starring: Steve Martin, Diane Keaton and Martin Short

Release Date: December 8, 1995

Christmas comes earlier every year. Now we go right from Halloween (which becomes a bigger celebration each year) to Christmas decorations the next day (if not before). We don’t really even talk much about Thanksgiving, as everyone focuses on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and the great bargains we will pick up at the stores or online. Maybe Canadians have it right; they celebrate Thanksgiving in October before Halloween.

Since I love to eat, I love Thanksgiving. But it’s not just the food. I love the short work week. I love getting together with family. I love watching football. But best of all, I love to stop and think about, well, being thankful. It is something that most of us probably don’t do enough, especially since having gratitude is one of the best things we can do for own mental health.

Feeling gratitude is one sure way to make us happier. In fact, scientists have studied the effect feeling grateful has on the brain. Feeling grateful activates the brain stem that produces dopamine. Additionally, gratitude toward others increases activity in social dopamine circuits, which makes social interactions more enjoyable. One additional powerful effect of focusing on the positive aspects of your life increases serotonin production. In fact, just searching for something to be grateful for has this effect. In short, being grateful can have the same effect on your brain as Wellbutrin (which boosts dopamine) and Prozac (which boosts serotonin), without the side effects.

The loss of something we once had often intensifies our feelings of gratitude. Watch this clip from The Pianist,* the true story about a Polish Jewish musician trying to survive World War II. The gratitude nearly oozes from the screen as Wladyslaw Szpilman (the pianist) appreciates the simple gifts of bread and jam from a German officer, who in turn appreciates the beautiful music the pianist provides him. (You’ll have to copy and paste the link below into your browser.)

http://video.anyclip.com/movies/the-pianist/the-german-officer-brings-szpilman-food/

We can all be thankful for something. Even if you can’t pay your bills you can be thankful you’re not one of your own creditors! So how do we develop feelings of gratitude? Duh, by giving thanks! Whether you believe in God, the Force, or even just the greatness of the human spirit, each day we should stop and give thanks to whomever or whatever we believe in. And be specific. I love this short clip from The Fast and the Furious** where the car “dealers” say grace before their meal, expressing appreciation to the car gods for what they are thankful for.

Just as important, we should thank those around us that are special to us: our parents, our kids, our teachers, our friends. The great thing about thanking others is it uplifts both the person giving the thanks and person receiving the thanks. So let’s remember someone who helped us along the way, even if it were a long time ago, as these students do in The Emperor’s Club.***  Notice how important the thank yous are to the teacher as well as the students.

As the forgotten holiday approaches, let’s take a break from our Black Friday shopping to remember both Thanksgiving and giving thanks. Call a family member, send an email to a friend, mail a thank you card, give your mom or dad (or both!) a hug, and let each of them know how much you appreciate them. The time it will take will be small, but the rewards to both them and you will be enormous. Simply said, let’s get the entire world high on thanks, and avoid the warning of Harriet Beecher Stowe: “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

Let me start by saying how grateful I am for movies and the important lessons I have learned from them. And thank you for taking the time to read my posts and sometimes even sharing them with others.

____________________

*The Pianist

Production: R.P. Productions, Heritage Films and Studio Babelsberg

Directed: Roman Polanski

Screenplay: Ronald Harwood (based n the book by Wladyslaw Szpilman)

Starring: Adrien Brody, Thomas Kretschmann and Frank Finlay

Release Date: March 28, 2003

**The Fast and the Furious

Production: Universal Pictures, Original Film, MediaStream Film

Directed: Rob Cohen

Screenplay: Ken Li and Gary Scott Thompson

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Michelle Rodriguez

Release Date: June 22, 2001

***The Emperor’s Club

Production: Beacon Communications, Fine Line Features and Horsepower Films

Directed: Michael Hoffman

Screenplay: Ethan Canin and Neil Tolkin

Starring: Kevin Kline, Emile Hirsch and Joel Gretsch

Release Date: November 22, 2002

About a year ago, a craze swept the world: arguing whether this dress is blue or gold:

To me, the dress is clearly gold; to my daughter, it is clearly blue. We both swore we were right, and nothing either of us said could convince the other of bad eyesight. Truth is like that. Actual truth is largely irrelevant (the manufacturer claims the dress is really blue, although I don’t believe him); it is our perception of truth that really matters. That perception is the result of one’s prior experiences (or in the case of the famous dress, physical differences in the viewers’ eyes). And this is where we sometimes get into trouble. Different persons will interpret facts differently, based on their own prior experiences, which leads one person to question the knowledge, sincerity or credibility of the other.

The movie, The Truman Show,* tells the story of Truman Burbank, an insurance adjuster, who is an ordinary man living an ordinary life – or at least that’s his perception. The reality is, the place where Truman lives is a large TV studio with hidden cameras everywhere. All the people around him are really just actors playing parts in a reality TV show. But Truman’s reality is real to him, and that’s what matters. It is the only life he has ever known, being born on the TV show. For Truman’s truth (reality) to change, his perception of his life must change. Here is the final scene of the movie where Truman changes his perception of his entire life, and thus changes his truth:

If we want to change the world, then, we need to change our own or others’ perceptions of the world. Here are some examples from psychological studies of how our perceptions about ourselves can change the “truth” about ourselves:

• Japanese researchers blindfolded 13 students and told them their right arms were being rubbed with poison ivy. The right arm of all these students broke out in a rash, even though the plant used was just a harmless plant, not poison ivy. More remarkable, the researchers rubbed actual poison ivy on the left arms of these same 13 students but told them it was a harmless plant. Only two of the students’ left arms broke out in a rash, although all were highly allergic to poison ivy.
• Half of the cleaning staffs at seven different hotels were told how many calories their daily activities burned, and that vacuuming was similar to a cardio workout. The other half of these staffs were told nothing. During the study, those who had been primed to think of their work as exercise actually lost weight and their cholesterol levels dropped, even though they did no exercise outside of their work.
• A group of Asian women were given similar math tests on two separate occasions. Before the first test, these women were told to think about the fact that they were women taking a math test (and so, according to the stereotype, worse at math than men). Before the second test, they were to focus on the fact that they were Asian (and again according to the stereotype, better at math than other ethnic groups). These women performed far better on the second test than the first.

As Christof, the creator of The Truman Show in the movie says, “We accept the reality of the world in which we’re presented. It’s as simple as that.”

One potential problem with simply accepting the reality presented to us is that those perceptions often result in self-fulfilling prophecies. Because perceptions lead us to see the world in a certain way, we look for proof that our perceptions are accurate. Psychologists call this “confirmation bias.” The movie, Truth** portrays the attempts of newsman, Dan Rather, and his producer, Mary Mapes, to bring down a sitting U.S. President, running for re-election, by breaking the story that George W. Bush had gone AWOL while serving in the Texas Air National Guard. There was only one problem: the story was untrue. Rumors were flying that, thirty years previously, President Bush had joined the Texas Air National Guard to avoid the draft, and as the son of a former congressman who later became U.S. President, had received special treatment by the Guard. All Rather and Mapes needed to do was find evidence the rumors were true. Here is a short clip from the movie that sets out Mapes’ point of view from the outset of their investigation:

Mapes didn’t like men who abused their power. She saw President Bush as one of those, and set out to find the evidence that would confirm her perception of him.

Mapes and Rather found their evidence in memos written by Bush’s commanding officer, Jerry Killian, who was now conveniently dead. These memos showed Bush disobeying Killian’s direct orders to fulfill even minimal requirements of the Guard, followed by pressure from those higher up the command chain to let the infractions slide. But these memos were supposedly written in 1972, before the development of word processors, and a close look at the memos showed the words were proportionately spaced (which was impossible using the typewriters of the day). In addition, the memos were written in fonts that did not exist in 1972. And then it got worse. Another journalist noted that one of the memos mentions a commanding officer who had already retired. Another had an old address that Bush had stopped using before the memo was supposedly written. Killian’s entire family expressed doubt about their legitimacy. Even some of the experts that CBS had used to review the memos raised some concerns, but Rather, Mapes and all of CBS ignored them. As good reporters, Mapes and Rather should have easily noticed the flaws in their “evidence” but they didn’t because they had already concluded that President Bush was “guilty” and so saw the memos only from that perspective.

In the recent movie, The Girl on the Train,*** the suspense of the entire movie is based on perceptions of the truth versus actual reality. Since many of you might not have seen it yet, I won’t give away any of the details, but here is a scene where  Rachel (the girl on the train) and Detective Riley of the police have different perspectives about the same event:

You’ll have to see the movie (or read the book) to learn whose perspective is the accurate one, but both characters look for evidence that their perspective is the right one. Watch The Girl on the Train and watch or re-watch The Truman Show from the perspective of perspectives, and you’ll see how the truth changes when the characters’ perspectives change.

Unfortunately our actions are often no different than these movie characters. We are so intent on finding the evidence to prove our assertions that we often miss things that are right in front of us. Psychologists call this inattentional or perceptional blindness. A famous psychology experiment consists of a video of some athletes standing in a circle passing a basketball. Participants watching the video are asked to count the number of times the basketball is passed between two of the athletes. As the video progresses, the task gets a harder when the athletes start switching places as they pass the basketball. After the video ends, the experimenter asks the participants how many passes they had counted. Then the experimenter asks what else they noticed in the video. Usually, the participants don’t notice anything else. What about the man in the gorilla suit who stands in the middle of the circle beating his chest? No one ever sees him. The experimenter plays back the video, and the participants are dumbfounded to now plainly see the gorilla they had missed before. When we take confirmation bias and add to it perceptional blindness, suddenly our perceptions of truth can lead us very far from reality.

So the next time you are talking to a family member, friend, neighbor or work associate about religion, politics or any other subject, and you think you are speaking THE TRUTH, remember the other person most-likely feels the same way about their side. Because everyone is different, with different backgrounds and experiences, our perceptions of truth are different. If you want to change someone’s truth, you must change that person’s perceptions. And that starts with understanding where the other person is coming from. But before you go about changing the world by changing others’ perceptions, keep in mind one of my favorite sayings, “Beware of half-truths, for you might have the wrong half.”

*The Truman Show

• Production: Paramount Pictures, Scott Rudin Productions
• Directed: Peter Weir
• Screenplay: Andrew Niccol
• Starring: Jim Carrey, Ed Harris and Laura Linney
• Release Date: October 9, 1998

**Truth

• Production: Sony Pictures Classics, Echo Lake Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment
• Directed: James Vanderbilt
• Screenplay: James Vanderbilt (based on the book by Mary Mapes)
• Starring: Cate Blanchett, Robert Redford, and Dennis Quaid
• Release Date: October 30, 2015

***The Girl on the Train

• Production: Amblin Entertainment; DeamWorks SKG; and Marc Platt Productions
• Directed: Tate Taylor
• Screenplay: Erin Cressida Wilson (based on the book by Paula Hawkins)
• Starring: Emily Blunt, Haley Bennett, and Rebecca Ferguson
• Release Date: October 7, 2016

Other resources:

• Achor, The Happiness Advantage, Crown Business (Random House), 2010
• McCardle, The Up Side of Down: Why Failing Well is the Key to Success, Viking Penguin, 2014
• Covey, The Divine Center, Bookcraft, 1982
• Banyai, Zoom, Viking, 1995

My father-in-law, Don Harris, had many sayings about life. One of his favorites was, “Trials and tribulations are mandatory; misery is optional.” He also liked to say, “Reality is for real.” Everyone’s life is filled with problems, some large, some small. As Forrest Gump would say, “It happens,” even when we don’t deserve it. And sometimes we turn small problems into large ones all by ourselves. It’s not avoiding trials that make us stronger; it’s what we do with the trials we face. As Henry Ward Beecher once said, “A cobweb is as good as the mightiest cable when there is no strain upon it.” So appreciate your problems. They are mandatory in this life. But misery is not. As the old sayings go, instead of crying over spilt milk, adopt the philosophy that a smile is a curve that will straighten out almost anything. Victor Frankl said it this way, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.” Nietzche boiled it down to this: “He who has a WHY to live can bear almost any HOW.”

But effectively facing our challenges is not always easy to do. When it comes to dealing with the potholes of life’s highway, here are some great lessons I have learned from watching movies.

1. Life is hard but we can do hard things. The movie, Unbroken,* tells the true story of Louis Zamperini, who survives 47 days in a raft after his plane is shot down during World War II, only to be caught by the Japanese navy and sent to a prisoner-of-war camp, where he faces atrocity after atrocity inflicted by a sadistic Japanese officer. In this scene, Zamperini is first beaten by the Japanese officer, who then forces each of the other POWs to punch Zamperini in the face.

Like Zamperini, each of us has an amazing capacity to do hard things when we have to. If you think back over your own life, you’ll probably remember a time or two when, at the time, you were sure you couldn’t take any more, but somehow you did.

2. Don’t say, “Why me? Say, “Why not me? Soul Surfer** is the true story of 13 year-old Bethany Hamilton, a champion surfer who is attacked by a shark and loses her left arm. She must re-learn everything using only one arm. In this scene, she wonders why her life had to change so radically. “Why me?” is a question we often ask when things go wrong:

When bad things happen to me or my family, I try to find someone else who is struggling with something much harder than what I’m facing. And that someone is usually pretty easy to find. Looking at others has at least two important effects. First, it helps me be grateful that my challenge is not worse than it is. I realize I can handle my own challenge much easier than I can handle someone else’s. So instead of asking why is this happening to me, I tell myself, well, why not me; this is a challenge I can deal with. Second, and perhaps more important, seeing others with challenges helps me focus on helping them rather than feeling sorry for myself.

3. Use adversity as a chance to reassess and start over. Facing challenges usually brings along with it some kind of change – a change in a relationship, a new physical or mental challenge, or perhaps the loss of a job. Up in the Air*** is a movie about a group of consultants who are hired to do the dirty work of downsizing corporations – firing employees. In this scene, Ryan Bingham (played by George Clooney) gives us some great advice about how to turn a job loss into something positive (sorry about the language):

4. Focus on the big picture. In the original Karate Kid,**** Daniel, to protect himself from the local bullies, begins to learn karate from his teacher, Mr. Miyagi. But rather than practice karate, Mr. Miyagi makes Daniel do chores around his house. He first must wash and wax all of Mr. Miyagi’s classic cars. Then he must sand his floors, stain the fence and paint his house. In frustration, Daniel complains to Mr. Miyagi, who then shows Daniel what has really been happening in this classic scene from the movie:

Like Daniel, we often see only the trial, task or problem right in front of us. It’s like a huge boulder is placed right in front of our eyes that we can’t see around. But by somehow finding the broader perspective, we realize we are gaining strength and learning skills that will help us later in life. Daniel finally realizes the tasks Mr. Miyagi has him do are not just work, but by doing them, he is learning all the major defensive moves of karate. In Soul Surfer, Bethany relies on guts and God to learn to surf again, and even competes in the national surfing championships. But more importantly, over time, she gains perspective. She realizes she can help others who are facing their own great challenges, concluding, “Surfing isn’t the most important thing in life. Love is. I’ve had the chance to embrace more people with one arm than I ever could with two.” So look for the big picture, but remember TTT (things take time). It may be years or even an entire lifetime before we develop the proper perspective about our experiences.

5. Don’t try to go it alone. Louis Zamperini had his fellow POWs. Bethany had her family and God. Daniel had Mr. Miyagi. Each had someone to help them through their challenges. Burdens are lighter when there is someone sharing them. In Me Before You,***** Lou Clarke is hired by the family of Will Traynor, who, after a tragic accident, is a quadriplegic and has lost his will to live. Although she starts out as just an employee of Will’s family, her effervescent personally turns Lou’s and Will’s relationship from simple caregiver, to friends, to love, to the point where Will almost feels normal again. Will sums up their relationship by saying, “You are pretty much the only thing that makes me wanna get up in the morning.” Here is one of my favorite scenes:

The miserable, like misery, loves company. When life is getting us down, let’s find a teacher, a friend, a lover, and even God to share the burden. Better yet, let’s be that teacher, friend or lover who is willing to help bear others’ burdens. And remember my father-in-law’s motto for life: Smile always, except when laughing.

*Unbroken

Production: 3 Arts Entertainment, Jolie Pas, and legendary Entertainment

Directed: Angelina Jolie

Screenplay: Joel Cohen and Ethan Coen

Starring: Jack O’Connell, Miyavi, and Domhnall Gleeson

Release Date: December 25, 2014

**Soul Surfer

Production: Enticing Entertainment, Island Film Group and Brookwell-McNamara    Entertainment

Directed: Sean McNamara

Screenplay: Sean McNamara and Deborah Schwartz

Starring: AnnaSophia Roob, Dennis Quaid and Helen Hunt

Release Date: April 8, 2011

***Up in the Air

Production: Paramount Pictures, Cold Spring Pictures and DreamWorks Pictures

Directed: Jason Reitmann

Screenplay: Jason Reitmann (based on the novel by Walter Kirn)

Starring: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick

Release Date: December 23, 2009

***Karate Kid

Production: Columbia Pictures Corporation, Jerry Weintraub Productions and Delphi Films

Directed: John g. Avildsen

Screenplay: Robert Mark Kamen

Starring: Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita and Elizabeth Shue

Release Date: June 22, 1984

*****Me Before You

Production: MGM, New Line Cinema, Sunswept Entertainment

Directed: Thea Sharrock

Screenplay: Jojo Moyes

Starring: Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin

Release Date:  June 3, 2016

I have been blessed to have had many great formal educational experiences in my life. I am grateful for many school teachers who loaded my brain with knowledge. More importantly, I give thanks for those teachers who taught me how to think and to challenge conventional wisdom. And although I will always be indebted to great school teachers, the older I get, the more I especially appreciate one the greatest teachers of all – experience. Experience is the only thing most people get out of life. Unlike book learning, we almost always remember the lessons we learn from experience, especially when things do not go as planned. Said another way, we tend to learn a lot more from our failures than from our successes.

One of my many concerns about our current world is our paranoia over allowing those we love to fail. We give our kids trophies for merely participating in youth sports because we are too afraid they can’t handle not winning. We have become a nation of helicopter parents, as we hover over our children, not allowing them to experience the consequences of their decisions – if we let them make a decision at all. Megan McCardle, in her book, The Upside of Falling Down,* describes it this way:

This new generation was brought up to believe that there should be no winners and no losers, no scrubs or MVPs. Everyone, no matter how ineptly they perform, gets a trophy.

McCardle points out some of the ramifications of this. One survey found that more than 45 percent of college freshmen had graduated high school with an A average. One high school had over 30 valedictorians because no one wanted to make a distinction among the kids. In poor schools, kids who can’t read are passed through to the next grade because it’s too much trouble – and an embarrassment for the teacher – to hold them back. But unfortunately, the world is different. There are winners and losers. The winners excel by setting themselves apart from the rest. The losers also set themselves apart for the rest, but the result is often the loss of a job, or worse, a loss of self-respect.

            As an old geezer, I realize we learn best through trial and error, especially when we fail, or at least when we get honest, accurate feedback. The movie, Ray,** tells the life story of Ray Charles, who started to lose his sight at age four as the result of glaucoma. He was totally blind by the age of seven. Under those circumstances, it would have been understandable for Ray’s mother, Aretha, to become a helicopter mom to Ray, hovering over him and helping him with (or actually doing for him) anything and everything he needed. But instead, as dramatized in this scene, Aretha let Ray fend for himself – and that made all the difference.

Currently, my favorite all-time movie is Slumdog Millionaire.*** There are many lessons I have learned from watching that movie (I will discuss some of those other lessons in later posts). But one great lesson from the movie is experience is the best teacher. Slumdog Millionaire is the story of Jamal Malik, an 18 year-old orphan from the slums of India, who plays India’s version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” Jamal, who has no formal education, is able to answer the game show questions by remembering certain experiences of his young life. In this clip, Jamal answers the second question by remembering how he became an orphan.

Let’s not be afraid to try and to fail, for every time you try and don’t succeed, you become an expert on at least one thing not to do.  As Aldous Huxley said it, “Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.” So try, fall down,  and get back up. Repeat as necessary.

*Megan McCardle, The Up Side of Falling Down: Why Failing Well is the Key to Success, Viking, 2014.

**Ray

Production: Universal Pictures, Bristol Bay Productions, and Anvil Films

Directed: Taylor Hackfield

Screenplay: Taylor Hackfield, James L. White

Starring: Jamie Foxx, Regina King, and Kerry Washington

Release Date: October 29, 2004

***Slumdog Millionaire

Production: Warner Bros., Celador Films, and Film4

Directed: Danny Boyle and Loveleen Tandan

Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy (based on the novel by Vikas Swarup)

Starring: Dev Patel, Frieda Pinto, and Saurabh Shukla

Release Date: December 25, 2008

Throughout our entire lives we seem to be looking forward to the next milestone. When we are children, we can’t wait until we can drive a car. When we are in school, we look forward to graduation, finding a career, getting married and then starting a family. Soon we long for the day when all our kids are potty-trained, then old enough to babysit themselves, and finally when they all have left the nest. We then look forward to grandchildren. With all of those events in my own rearview mirror, I now can’t wait until retirement and my next phase of life. It is important to our happiness to have something to look forward to – and strive for – but sometimes we are so focused on the next milestone that we forget to slow down and just enjoy where we are for a while. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We are always getting ready to live, but never living.”

A timeless movie for high school students of every generation is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off*, in which high school student Ferris decides it’s time (again) to take a day off from school despite what his parents, teachers or especially his school principal might think about that. Looking back to my high school days, I now wish I had had the guts to skip a day of school, although I admit I never wanted my kids to do the same; I didn’t want them to be irresponsible. But maybe it’s irresponsible for us not to occasionally take a day off school, work or whatever else is stressing us out and just enjoy ourselves for a day.  Here’s Ferris’ philosophy, and it’s a good one, at least this part: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Life really does move fast. We have endless lists of things to do, for ourselves and for our kids. We are bombarded by social media on every side. And if we aren’t actually accomplishing goal after goal after goal, we are often looked upon by others as failures. All lives of every generation have stress, but I find it hard to believe that prior generations experienced the stressful lives we face today. And it will only get worse in the future as continued advances in technology make life that much  faster.

How can we stop (or at least slow down) and look around once in a while so we don’t miss life? The Great Outdoors** came out just a couple of years after Ferris. In my favorite scene, Chet Ripley (John Candy) has brought his family to a lakeside resort for a vacation. His brother-in-law, Roman Craig (Dan Aykroyd), drops in unexpectedly. While sitting on the porch of the cabin, Ripley and Craig have this great conversation:

Too often we are like Roman Craig. We see something only as what it could (or should?) someday become rather than just seeing something just for what it is – in this case trees. How do we slow life down and notice the little things that make life more worthwhile? Here are some simple suggestions:

1. Eat dinner together with the family around the table instead of in front of the TV.
2. Remember important dates like birthdays, anniversaries and graduations.
3. Unplug from the world of social media for at least an hour or two a day.
4. Learn to mediate.
5. Listen to water at the beach, a river, or the waterfall in your own swimming pool.
6. Focus on the sound and feel of a simple daily routine like brushing your teeth.
7. Change up your daily routine like taking a different way home from work.
8. Take a road trip without any itinerary and just see where you end up.
9. Do random acts of kindness.
10. Keep a gratitude journal.

Speaking of gratitude, here is the fun Thanksgiving dinner scene from Funny People*** that reminds us to both be grateful and enjoy the moment.

There is no time like the present, for these are the good old days the next generation will hear so much about. So let’s enjoy them – now!

*Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Production: Paramount Pictures

Director: John Hughes

Screenplay: John Hughes

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck and Mia Sara

Release Date: June 11, 1986

**The Great Outdoors

Production:Hughes Entertainment and Universal Pictures

Directed: Howard Deutch

Screenplay: John Hughes

Starring: John Candy, Dan Aykroyd and Stephanie Faracy

Release Date: June 17, 1988

***Funny People

Production: Universal Studios and Columbia Pictures

Directed: Judd Apatow

Screenplay: Judd Apatow

Starring: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Leslie Mann

Release date: July 31, 2009

When I hear the word “plastics” in connection with movies, I immediately think of two: The Graduate, where the neighbor of Ben Braddock (played by Dustin Hoffman) advises him that plastics are the key to a financially successful future, and Mean Girls, where the most-popular girls in the high school are referred to as the Plastics, which is really a reflection of their personalities. With school starting again, maybe it’s time to sit down with our high school age kids or grandchildren and watch or re-watch Mean Girls.

Looking back at my own high school experience, I tried my best to be accepted, even popular, with the “right” (meaning cool) crowd. By my senior year, though, that popularity and acceptance became less important to me, as I realized there really was life after high school, and that to be part of the cool crowd, you often had to give up your individuality by talking, dressing and acting (whether genuine of not) like everyone else in that crowd. The saddest thing, though, is cool crowds are often not that cool, because to become a member, you sometimes have to ignore, put down, and even belittle anyone outside the clique. I think what really happened to me in high school was, somewhere along the way, I realized I was OK with myself; that if I kept worrying about what other people thought of me, I was showing more confidence in their opinion than I had in my own.

I learned two important lessons from watching Mean Girls, where Cady Heron (played by Lindsay Lohan) attends public school for the first time. Previously, she had lived with her parents in Africa and was home schooled. At her new school, she befriends Janis and Damian, who warn her to avoid the Plastics, a clique of three rich girls, who reached queen bee status by bullying and gossiping about anyone who got in their way. But the Plastics take an interest in Cady, so Cady, Janis and Damian devise a plot for Cady to be assimilated into the clique for the purpose of bringing them down. The plan is working, except the Plastics have changed Cady. In this scene, Janis confronts Cady about not just becoming a part of the clique, but about actually becoming plastic:

It is sad that sometimes we think the only way we can be a part of a group or feel good about ourselves is by putting others down. It is especially sad when those put downs are based on hearsay or even lies. So the first lesson I learned from Mean Girls is to accept yourself for who your really are, despite what others might think about you. I love the character of Janis because, although different from most of the other students at school, she was comfortable with herself. Her message to all of us? Of all the different opinions people might have about you, the most important opinion is the one you have of yourself.

As a member of the Plastics clique, Cady learns of a “Burn Book,” a secret notebook kept by the Plastics containing rumors, secrets and gossip about other students and teachers at the school. As an act of revenge, the leader of the Plastics makes copies of the Burn Book and spreads its pages throughout the school. The result is chaos, distrust, shunning, and dissolved relationships that are not easily healed. Lesson two from Mean Girls, then, is really a corollary of lesson one: if we have a positive image of ourselves, we have no need to put down others, and worse, if we do engage in gossip, we are on a road of no return, for once the lies and putdowns are out in the open, there is no chance of taking them back.

One of the greatest demonstrations of the consequences of gossiping is found in this sermon delivered by Father Brendan Flynn (played by the late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman) in the movie, Doubt***:

 Whether at home, school or work, let’s remember the word told Ben Braddock in The Graduate: plastics; not so much as a road map to financial success, but as a reminder to cultivate a powerful image of ourselves, and a warning against cruelty to others.

Postscript to “Winning with Class” (my previous post on this blog): a terrific example of winning without any class is the recent movie, The Program****. It is the story of Lance Armstrong, America’s favorite and best-known cyclist, and how he won seven Tour De France competitions by cheating. Armstrong is still America’s best-known cyclist, but now he might be the world’s least favorite one.

*The Graduate

Production: MGM

Director: Mike Nichols

Screenwriter: Calder Willingham and Buck Henry (adapted from the book by Charles Webb)

Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft and Katharine Ross

Released: December 22, 1967

**Mean Girls

Production: Paramount Pictures

Director: Mark Waters

Screenwriter: Tina Fey (adapted from the book by Rosalind Wiseman)

Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Jonathan Bennett and Rachel McAdams

Released: April 30, 2004

***Doubt:

Production: Miramax

Director: John Patrick Shanley

Screenwriter: John Patrick Shanley

Starring: Meryl Streep, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams

Released: December 25, 2008

The Program:

Production: Anton Capital Entertainment, StudioCanal, Working Title Films

Director: Stephen Frears

Screenwriter: John Hodge (adapted from the book by David Walsh)

Starring: Ben Foster, Chris O’Dowd and Jesse Plemons

Released: March 18, 2016

I admit it, I’m an Olympics junkie. The real life drama of the games matches even the best dramatic movie. I tensed up every time the remarkable USA women’s gymnastics team went to stick a landing (you know, Gymnastics 101: fly high and stick the landing). I teared up along with Simone Manual as she came from behind to win the women’s 100 meter freestyle to become the first African-American to win a gold medal in swimming. My jaw dropped as I watched Joseph Schooling beat out Michael Phelps (and two other top, better known, swimmers) to win the men’s 100 meter butterfly, earning Singapore’s first gold medal in swimming – ever. And who didn’t smile when you saw the photo of Joseph Schooling, as a boy, with his Olympic hero Michael Phelps?

How did Phelps, the winner of 28 Olympic medals, 23 of which are gold, react to being beaten by someone he was a hero to? “I’m sure we’ve all seen the photo of Katie [Ledecky] and I when she was 9, 10 and the photo of Joe [Schooling] and I…. Being able to have that opportunity to change the sport and continue to change the sport is something I am looking forward to. Daring kids to dream, that’s the only reason why I’m sitting here. I was a little kid with a dream and it turned into a couple of medals, pretty good couple of years of swimming and I had a blast. So the more kids I can … help … just believe in themselves. Not to be afraid to know that the sky is the limit.”

The drama, though, didn’t always stay in the pool. I nodded in agreement when Lily King, the winner of the women’s 100 meter breaststroke, spoke to her biggest challenger, Yulia Efimova, who has tested positive five times for performance enhancement drugs: “You’ve been caught for drug cheating – I’m just not a fan.”  It’s interesting that this Olympic event occurred during the same week that Alex Rodriguez, who has repeatedly been suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, announced his retirement from baseball.

Written across the top of the gymnasium where my kids played high school basketball are the words, “Winning With Class.” I have always been impressed with that. In a sports world where in-your-face trash-talking has become the norm, I still (and always will) root for the humble athlete who is grateful for his or her God-given abilities and acknowledges greatness in the competition; who realize that winning against the competition is not as important as winning against yourself – putting in the time and effort to become the best athlete you can be. What does an athlete who wins a gold medal by using performance enhancing drugs really win? Maybe some hardware, but in my opinion, at the cost of one’s self-respect.

The movie, Without Limits,* is the true-life story of Steve Prefontaine, an American long distance runner who competed in the 1972 Olympics. He held the American records in seven different long-distance track events, from the 2,000 meters to the 10,000 meters, but who was tragically killed in a automobile accident at age 24. The eulogy given by his college coach Bill Bowerman (played by Donald Sutherland) summarizes the mind and heart of a true champion, in that how you win is more important than if you win:

  One of the best movies about the Olympics is Chariots of Fire,** which won the Oscar for best picture in 1982. It is the true story about two British sprinters who competed in the 1924 Olympics. Neither were favored in their respective events, but both won gold medals. Harold Abrahams uses his speed to overcomes obstacles he faced as a Jew. Eric Liddell, a devout Christian missionary in China, uses his running as an additional way to spread God’s word. In a key scene, using the background of the men’s 400 meters, a race he hadn’t even trained for, Eric explains why he runs to his sister, Jennie, who thinks Eric’s running only takes time away from his true calling:

Similarly, in the movie, Eddie the Eagle,*** Michael “Eddie” Edwards, the ultimate underdog, never stopped believing in himself. He takes on, first, the ski jump, then, the sports and political establishment, to earn a spot on Great Britain’s team at the 1988 Calgary Olympics. Eddie  knew he could never win an Olympic medal. Just making the team was good enough.

We should consider winning in life to be the same as winning in sports – the how we win is just as important as if we win. In the movie, The Rainmaker,**** young lawyer, Rudy Baker, realizes this when he says, “Every lawyer, at least once in every case, feels himself crossing a line that he doesn’t really mean to cross… it just happens… And if you cross it [the line] enough times it disappears forever. And then you’re nothin’ but another lawyer joke. Just another shark in the dirty water.”

Each of us has been blessed with some kind of talent or ability. Let’s be passionate about that ability, whatever it is, as we try to win the sport that is life. But let’s win with class – with humility, with respect for the competition, and with gratitude that we have been blessed with the abilities and opportunities we have. Some of us might become stars, like an Olympic champion. Others of us might be destined to just make the squad. But in either event, winning with class makes true winners of us all.

*Without Limits

Production: Cruise/Wagner Productions

Directed: Robert Towne

Screenplay: Robert Towne and Kenny Moore

Starring: Billy Crudup, Donald Sutherland and Monica Potter

Release Date: September 11, 1998

**Chariots of Fire

Production:

Directed: Hugh Hudson

Screenplay: Colin Welland

Starring: Ben Cross, Ian Charleston, Nicholas Farrell

Release Date: April 9, 1982

***Eddie the Eagle

Production: Marv Films, Saville Productions and Studio Babelsberg

Directed: Dexter Fletcher

Screenplay: Sean Macauley

Starring: Taron Egerton and Hugh Jackman

Release Date: February 26, 2016

****The Rainmaker

Production: Constellation entertainment, Douglas/Reuther Productions and American Zoetrope

Directed: Francis Ford Coppola

Screenplay: John Grisham and Francis Ford Coppola

Starring:  Matt Damon, Danny DeVito and Claire Danes

Release Date: November 21, 1997

There is an old saying: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Elephants are synonymous with being big. We have elephant ears and there’s an elephant in the room. Similarly, I believe in having big, elephant dreams. But sometimes those dreams can be overwhelming, and our failure in trying to reach our big dreams leads to discouragement and despair, which can paralyze us.

The Mask of Zorro* is a fun movie depicting the legend of Zorro (and you thought I was going to write about Dumbo!). That legend has Zorro traveling through the southwest of the United States righting wrongs, fighting evil, and, of course, attracting women. He may have been the original superhero. But Zorro was not always a gallant swashbuckler. The movie portrays the young Zorro as foolhardy and ineffective at his quest to foil villains. He attempts great feats, but the higher he flies, the farther he falls. And the more he falls, the more he feels as if the world around him is out of control.

But an old mentor, Don Diego, is there to save the day. He takes the young Zorro (still known as Alejandro at this point) who is suffering from drinking and despair, and begins to mold him, promising him that with dedication and time, Alejandro can be the master of his own fate. In a hidden cave, Don Diego places Alejandro within a small circle and tells him, “This circle will be your world. Your whole life. Until I tell you otherwise, there is nothing outside of it.” Here is a clip of this important scene from the movie:

Once Alejandro is able to master his new world (the small circle), Don Diego slowly, but steadily, increases the size of Alejandro’s world, and allows him to tackle greater and greater feats until he has become the legend that is Zorro. But without mastering that first circle, Alejandro had no control over his world – no real skill, no faith in his abilities, and no chance of reaching his dreams. In short, before Zorro could eat his big elephant of dreams, he had to chew it up one bite at a time.

Shawn Achor, in one of my favorite books, The Happiness Advantage**, talks about the “Zorro Circle” or a person’s circle of control. Achor states, “One of the biggest drivers of success is the belief that our behavior matters; that we have control over our future…. By first limiting the scope of our efforts, then watching those efforts have the intended effect, we accumulate the resources, knowledge and confidence to expand the circle, gradually conquering a larger and larger area.”

Anchor describes two interesting studies about people who feel they are in control (whether or not they actually are). In one study of 7,400 employees, those who believed they had little or no control over deadlines imposed by their supervisors or others had a 50 percent higher risk of heart disease than those who believed they maintained some control. In fact, the researchers concluded that feeling a lack of control at work is as great a risk factor for heart disease as high blood pressure.

In the other study, researchers found that, when they gave a group of nursing home residents more control over their daily lives – even something as simple as being in charge of their own house plants – their mortality rate actually dropped in half (and their happiness levels increased).

So dream dreams as big as elephants, but achieve those dreams one bite at a time. Starting wherever you’re at, find something over which you can exercise control, whether it’s as complex as running a multinational corporation, or as simple as planning tonight’s dinner. And as the clip of Zorro shows, sometimes you need to start out slowly, and very small, even as small as what is really inside your heart. But taking control of our circles, large or small, will make our lives more fulfilling – and happier. Who knows, maybe each of us will be able to unleash the Zorro inside of us, and be legends, if only in our own minds. But in our own minds is really all that matters.

_______________________________

*The Mask of Zorro

Production: TriStar Pictures, Amblin Entertainment, David Foster Productions

Director: Martin Campbell

Screenwriter: Johnston McCulley and Ted Elliott

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta-Jones

Released: July 17, 1998

**Achor, The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles, Crown Business, 2010