One day I saw an old Australian aborigine with a boomerang. I watched with amazement as he threw the boomerang and it slowly circled around and returned back to him time after time. After several throws, he began tossing it harder and harder. I could see the frustration building on his face. Finally, I went up to him and asked if anything was wrong. He replied, “Well, it’s time to get a new boomerang but I can’t seem to get rid of this old one. The harder I try to throw it away, the faster it comes back to me.”

Actually, I made up that story, but I think there is an important message to learn from it. When we give to others, our good works tend to come back around to us. In the popular vernacular, we might say, “What goes around, comes around,” or that’s good “karma.” But I like what someone once called it, “The Law of the Boomerang.” But regardless of how we describe it, the principle is the same. Think about it. How many times have we done something nice for someone and then shortly thereafter they do something nice for us in return? For example, you might take dinner into someone who is sick or just moved into the neighborhood and they return your dish topped with cookies. It works in reverse, too. If you want to get punched in the gut, you don’t have to go ask someone to do it. Simply walk up and punch them, and invariably they will punch you in return. But I like the positive illustrations better.

In the Christmas movie classic, It’s a Wonderful Life,[i] George Bailey had lived a life of giving. But George experienced some hard times. In the end, though, when George needed help, all those townsfolk he had helped over the years came back to help him – in spades, making him “the richest man in town” – not just in money but in those things that matter most: family, friendship and love. Here‘s the closing scene:

Sometimes The Law of the Boomerang works indirectly. Sometimes someone does something nice for us, and instead of returning the kind deed to the giver, we pass it forward to someone else, or “pay it forward” as the movie by the same name described it. But I believe that even if we pay it forward, that kind deed, in some form or another, will eventually come back to us. Here is the scene from Pay It Forward[ii] that explains the concept that could change the world:

I love Trevor McKinney’s [Haley Joel Osment] response when the doubters complain that his theory won’t work – that the idea is too utopian. “So?” is Trevor’s response. Do we respond similarly when someone (or even ourselves) challenges our notions of helping others?

But I have discovered a corollary to The Law of the Boomerang known as The Corollary of the Donut, and if we don’t understand and put this corollary into practice, The Law of the Boomerang will be of little force or effect. I first learned about The Corollary of the Donut when I was a cub scout. Our den took a field trip to an observatory at the University of Utah to look through a large telescope at different planets and constellations. There was one constellation I will never forget. The guide focused the telescope on a group of stars that looked like a donut—these stars literally formed a circle with a hole in the middle. The guide then told us there was something extra else special about this constellation. She told us, if you looked directly at the donut of stars, they would disappear. You wouldn’t be able to see them. So you had to focus on the edges and through your periphery vision, you would be able to see the stars. I can’t explain scientifically why it worked that way, but it did. What does any of this have to do with giving? You see, if we give to another with the sole goal of getting that person to give us something in return, it’s like looking directly at that donut constellation and having those stars disappear from our view. We generally won’t get much in return. True giving, then, requires that we give out of love or friendship and not with the hope of getting something back.

I am a big Michael J. Fox fan and one of my favorites of his movies is Greedy.[iii] In the movie, rich Uncle Joe is getting old and all the relatives want a piece of his empire. [Spoiler Alert!] When Uncle Joe gets ill, and tells the family that he is no longer rich, but in debt, the family abandons him – except for Danny [Michael J. Fox], who offers to take care of him. Danny and his wife have Joe move in with them into their small apartment, and even offer to let Joe have their bedroom. But then, this happens:

In short, this is a great example of how The Law of the Boomerang and The Corollary of the Donut work. All of Uncle Joe’s nieces and nephews (but Danny) were being nice to Uncle Joe only because they wanted an inheritance. But Danny, who was kind and giving to Uncle Joe only because he loved and cared about him, ended up getting it all.

So how do we insure that our giving is motivated by the right reasons? Since we just celebrated Christmas, let me suggest you try the Santa Claus theory. I love Santa Claus, but not just because of the great presents he brings me every year. I love Santa because he understands and gives in accordance with The Corollary of the Donut. He gives because he wants us to be happy, not because he is expecting anything from us in return. I mean, even if we wanted to do something nice for Santa in return for what he gives us, what can we really do? He delivers his presents in the middle of night after we’ve gone to bed. If we didn’t find those presents under the tree or in our stockings on Christmas morning, we would never know he had even been there. We sometimes make a meager effort to thank him in the only way we can think of—by leaving him some milk and cookies by the fireplace on Christmas Eve, but that pales in comparison to what he does for us. He literally works all year long to bring us some happiness one day of the year. And judging by the pictures of Santa that I’ve seen, he probably could do without all those cookies and milk.

So why does he do it?  I have no explanation other than he must truly love what he does, for, at least with me, it isn’t because I have been especially good. I’m sure all the thanks Santa needs is to imagine the looks on our faces as we find the present we so desperately wanted waiting for us under the tree on Christmas morning. Why can’t we be more like Santa in our giving to others? Why can’t we have those same motivations that he has? Why are we so leery of the Santa Claus theory?

How would we react if we found that Santa Claus couldn’t handle his normal Christmas activities? That is the dilemma faced by Scott Calvin [Tim Allen] in this clip from The Santa Claus(e)[iv]:

What would we do in a similar situation? In reality, we are in that situation. Are we willing step up and give, like Santa, not just at Christmas, but all year long?

There are so many ways we can give to others. And the best gifts are not always the ones that cost a lot of money, and are not limited to this time of year. As Mother Teresa once said, “It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.” Here is a list of 25 simple gifts you can give that won’t cost you a cent:

• Let someone with fewer items go ahead of you in the cashier line at a store.
• Smile at someone, even if you don’t feel like it.
• Hold the door open for someone.
• Read to your kids, your neighbor’s kids, or volunteer to do it at the library.
• Take your grocery cart back to the store.
• Forgive someone who has wronged you – even without an apology on their part.
• Make a phone call to someone you haven’t talked to in a while or who just needs to hear a friendly voice.
• Ask friends or family over for a board game night, and even let them win! (I’m kidding about that last part, which would never, ever happen at the Ludlow residence.)
• Do a chore around the house without being asked.
• Let someone change lanes ahead of you (and smile or wave when you do it).
• Apologize to someone you have hurt.
• Listen … really listen … without always trying to fix the problem.
• Send an email or text to someone you really appreciate.
• Put together a pack of your favorite recipes and pass them on to family, friends and neighbors.
• Make a list for someone’s birthday of why you like (or love) them equal to the number of years old the person is. For example, when my dad turned 90, my wife and I came up with 90 reasons why we loved him.
• Spend quality time with your spouse or your kids.
• Put together a playlist of someone’s favorite music or music that represents what that person means to you. My daughter did this for her mom one year for Mother’s Day, and it had the added advantage that I loved it, too!
• Share your umbrella with someone in a rainstorm.
• Tell your spouse (usually the wife) that she gets the day off, meaning you will cook, clean and watch the kids for an entire day. My son does this for his wife on her birthday, which she takes full advantage of by spending the day reading her new favorite book.
• Tell stories about someone you love to someone else you love. For example, tell your grandchildren about experiences you or your parents had growing up. You might even record them so future generations can enjoy them as well.
• Wash a neighbor’s car in summer or shovel their sidewalks in the winter (if you live where it snows).
• Share your knowledge or skill with someone else, whether it’s helping them to play an instrument, helping them with tax returns, or helping them learn tricks on how to use the latest smart phone or other device. (This is one gift I wish everyone would give to me!)
• Recognize a job well done.
• Help a fellow traveler lift his or her luggage into the plane’s overhead compartment.
• Give a friend or family member a hug (real men hug, you know).

I am sure you can think of many, many more no or low-cost gifts that you will probably find mean more to the recipient than many, if not all, the other gifts they get.

I hope you received everything you wanted this past holiday season, regardless of whether you were naughty or nice. More importantly, I hope we can all live The Law of the Boomerang and The Corollary of the Donut the whole year round. Remember, as Winston Churchill said it: “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

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[i] It’s a Wonderful Life

• Production Company: Liberty Films
• Director: Frank Capra
• Screenwriter: Frances Goodrich and Albert Hackett
• Starring: James Stewart, Donna reed and Lionel Barrymore
• Release date: January 7, 1947

[ii] Pay It Forward

• Production Company: Warner Bros, Bel Air Entertainment and Tapestry Films
• Director: Mimi Leder
• Screenwriter: Leslie Dixon (based on the book by Catherine Ryan Hyde)
• Starring: Keven Spacey, Haley Joel Osment and Helen Hunt
• Release date: October 20, 2000

[iii] Greedy

• Production Company: Imagine Entertainment
• Director: Jonathan Lynn
• Screenwriter: Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel
• Starring: Michael J. Fox, Kirk Douglas and Nancy Travis
• Release date: March 4, 1994

[iv] The Santa Claus(e)

• Production Company: Walt Disney Pictures, Hollywood Pictures and Outlaw Productions
• Director: John Pasquin
• Screenwriter: Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick
• Starring: Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold and Wendy Crewson
• Release date: November 11, 1994

 

 

“Some use power to get sex, and some use sex to get power,” is the tag line of a book I wrote awhile back entitled “Unrighteous Dominion.” (I don’t mean this post to be a shameless self-promotion, but if you’re interested, there is a link to it at Amazon at endnote[i] below. And if you have read Unrighteous Dominion, I would love for you to give it a review, either good, bad or something in between since I only have three reviews right now. Okay, I’m done with the self-promotion – at least in this blog post.) My book focuses on a case of sexual harassment, but it is really about power, which, in my opinion, is what sexual harassment is usually about. Power can come from age, superior size or strength, position, or economic or social status. The imbalance of power generally creates an environment where effective communication is impossible, as the greater the power, the less chance there is of someone, particularly the victim, speaking out against the harassment.

You would have to have been in a coma the last few months to not hear about all the cases of sexual harassment that recently have been made public. Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K., Dustin Hoffman, Tom Sizemore, Jeffrey Tambor, Bill O’Reilly, Charlie Rose and even the beloved Matt Lauer, now and forever will be associated more with sexual harassment than as entertainers or news anchors. The women who came forward against these men have been named by Time magazine as Person(s) of the Year. Times editor-in-chief, Edward Felsenthal, called it “the fastest-moving social change we’ve seen in decades, and it began with individual acts of courage by women and some men, too.” Tarana Burke, who created the “Me Too” mantra years ago, has called the coming forth of sexually harassed women, “not just a moment, it’s a movement.”  But unfortunately, we are hearing primarily from women who are now fairly well-known and generally powerful (although they typically weren’t when the harassment took place). Do women who are not household names, who don’t act in movies or TV shows, or write for newspapers and magazines, have a place to tell their stories? And there must be many of such victims.

Some studies show that as many as 88 percent of women in America have been harassed in some way, but 71 percent of women who have experienced sexual harassment do not report it out of fear of retaliation. Two-thirds of victims were not aware of their employer’s policy regarding sexual harassment, and just over half of the victims did not even know the person or department to talk to, even if they did want to report it. Clearly, then, we have a sexual harassment problem. The entertainment industry has taken notice, but what of other industries? Actor Ellen Page said it this way when talking about her own experiences of being harassed: “I have a platform that enables me to write this and have it published, while the most marginalized do not have access to such resources.”

Before this latest wave of sexual harassment allegations, a woman’s claim of sexual harassment was often summarily dismissed because of the difficulty of proof, as the evidence became a battle of he said, she said, my word against yours. Just ask Anita Hill how her claims of sexual harassment against now-Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas turned out. The movie, Disclosure,[ii] emphasized this, and turned the stereotypical claim of sexual harassment on its head by making the harasser a woman and the victim a man:

Hollywood has not always gotten it right, though. There is a long list of movies showing incidents of sexual harassment that audiences found to be funny, of worse, normal. I mean, who got offended by the movie Grease showing young men lurking under the bleachers looking up young women’s dresses, or exposing their underwear on the dance floor on national TV? We watched Cher (played by Alicia Silverstone) in the movie Clueless walk the sidewalk outside her high school as young men ogled her, and one comes up and puts his arm around her. Instead of getting upset at this type of behavior, we smile at Cher’s “Ew, as if” response. We get the message that sexual harassment training is just a big joke as Michael Newman (played by Adam Sandler) in the movie, Click, uses his magic clicker on the instructor to turn the training of a serious subject into a farce.

But occasionally, Hollywood has gotten it right.

Movies taking sexual harassment seriously usually involve men in power taking advantage of women in lesser roles, but with a desire to climb up the political or corporate ranks, as illustrated by this scene from Legally Blonde[iii]:

Fortunately, Elle had enough self-confidence to say no, regardless of the consequences, but for others, it is not that easy. Margaret Atwood once said, “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” Sometimes that death is actual death, sometimes it’s death to a career. Either is frightening, and something most men do not experience and therefore do not fully understand.

One of the best movies about sexual harassment is North Country,[iv] a fictionalized account of the first major successful sexual harassment case in the United States, Jenson v. Eveleth Mines, decided in 1984. It dramatizes the hostile work environment female mineworkers in Minnesota experienced. Here is just one example of the abusive environment these female workers had to put up with:

The good news is women have made great strides in eliminating these types of major hostile work environments, but as to what happens one-on-one behind closed doors, much less has been accomplished.

So what can we do about it? If you’re a female, learn your legal rights, understand your employer’s policies on sexual harassment and learn how and to whom to make a complaint. Remind yourself that it is okay to say no. And as humiliating as it might be, it’s okay to share your story with others. You might be surprised that others may have experienced similar abuse. And if others have, that shows a pattern in the perpetrator that could lead to his (or her) downfall. Most of the allegations of sexual harassment we have heard about lately have been generally accepted as true because of the recurring allegations of multiple victims toward a single perpetrator. It reminds me of the cartoon of a woman walking into her boss’s office and saying, “All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you haven’t sexually harassed me, I’m suing you for discrimination.” But neither sexual harassment nor sexual discrimination is a laughing matter.

What if you’re not the victim but an observer of the harassment? Then be an up-stander, not just a bystander. Go to the aid of a fellow worker. Put the harasser in his (or her) place. We should always do what we can to protect the victim of bullying, which sexual harassment is a form of.

And if you’re the boss or supervisor, remember that with great power comes great responsibility. It is up to you to create the proper environment. It is up to you to act respectfully toward others, especially your subordinates. Give others their personal space. I love this quote from author, Miya Yamanouchi, who really tells it like it is: “Self-respect by definition is a confidence and pride in knowing that your behavior is both honorable and dignified. When you harass or vilify someone, you not only disrespect them, but yourself also. Street harassment, sexual violence, sexual harassment, gender-based violence and racism, are all acts committed by a person who in fact has no self-respect. Respect yourself by respecting others.”

May all of us take that message to heart and accordingly act with respect – of others and ourselves.

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[i] You can find Unrighteous Dominion at: https://www.amazon.com/Unrighteous-Dominion-Warren-Ludlow-ebook/dp/B01FLFEV2Q/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1513087287&sr=8-2&keywords=Unrighteous+dominion

[ii] Disclosure

• Production Company: Warner Bros., Baltimore Pictures, and Constant c Productions
• Director: Barry Levinson
• Screenwriter: Paul Attanasio (based on the book by Michael Crichton
• Starring: Michael Douglas, Demi Moore and Donald Sutherland
• Release date: December 9, 1994

[iii] Legally Blonde

• Production Company: MGM, Marc Platt Productions
• Director: Robert Luketic
• Screenwriter: Karen McCullah (based on the book by Amanda Brown)
• Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Luke Wilson, and Selma Blair
• Release date: July 13, 2001

[iv] North Country

• Production Company: Warner Bros., Industry Entertainment, Participant Media
• Director: Niki Caro
• Screenwriter: Michael Seitzman (based on the book by Clara Bingham)
• Starring: Charlize Theron, Jeremy Renner, Frances McDormand
• Release date: October 21, 2005

 

Recently, this blog has discussed some heavy topics and looked at some dark movie clips, so I’m lightening up a bit for this post. We are in the middle of the high school football playoffs, the college bowl season is about to begin, and the Super Bowl will be here before we know it. In short, it’s a perfect time to talk about football.

Football has taken a hit lately (pun intended) with all its injuries and now the threat of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE, resulting from too many blows to a player’s brain. But it’s still America’s sport – at least for now. In the 2013-2014 school year (the latest year I could find statistics for), 1,093,234 boys played high school football, compared to 541,054 who played high school basketball, 482,629 who played high school baseball, and 417,419 who played high school soccer. Why is football so popular? Perhaps there is a smidge of truth in what New York Times best-selling children’s and young adult author, Laurie Halse Anderson, once said: “The same boys who got detention in elementary school for beating the crap out of people are now rewarded for it. They call it football.” More likely, the popularity of football is due to what fantasy novelist Terry Pratchett said: “The thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football.” Said another way, football teaches its players and fans not just the rules and strategy of the game, but many truths about life.

There have been at least 180 movies made about football, and there are some important life lessons we can learn from many of them. Here are just a few:

We should celebrate Diversity. Not everyone can play quarterback, just as not everyone can be the head of an organization. To be a successful football team, you need players who are good at offense, defense and special teams. And within each of those, you need individuals who have different skills. Most wide receivers do not make good interior linemen and vice versa. And kickers and punters are generally not exceptional at anything other than kicking and punting. The key, then, to a great football team (and any organization) is realizing what your needs are and drafting (or hiring) different persons who fit those needs. Do you remember the scene from Leatherheads[i] where Dodge, played by George Clooney, attempts to find the right role for each of his teammates? His kicker is a huge man, and when his kickoff goes sideways directly into the crowd, and his field goal attempt goes directly into the rear of the lineman in front of him, Dodge realizes his more natural position might be as a blocker. Dodge moves the kicker into position and tells him to hit anyone that gets close to his quarterback. Taking Dodge’s directions literally, this giant of a man punches two rushing defensive linemen, followed by the referee who steps in to stop him. But you get the idea. Just ask Dak Prescott what it’s like to play quarterback when your All-Pro left tackle, Tyrone Smith, is out with an injury. You end up getting sacked eight times in a single game. Likewise, just ask a CEO how her workday goes when her staff is not around to handle the numerous tasks of a functioning company.

Merit is (or at least should be) rewarded. I realize some coaches have blind spots and sometimes play their favorites, even when someone on the bench is more deserving. But all sports put heavy emphasis on statistics that reflect results, so those who produce generally play more. Here is a scene from the movie, Invincible,[ii] the true story of Vince Papale, a 30 year-old bartender, who is given the chance by the Philadelphia Eagles at an open tryout and ends up making the team, even though he would be considered too old for a rookie, didn’t play college football, and played only one year in high school:

At 30 years old, Papale became the oldest rookie in the history of the NFL, and played three years for the Eagles. He was a special teams standout and voted a captain of the Eagles in 1978 (as well as “Man of the Year” due to his many charitable activities). Papale is an example of the way life should be – those who produce should get the rewards, regardless of who you know, how you look, how well you play politics, or regardless of your social or educational background. I know, I’m a foolish dreamer, but companies should be more like football teams. I have found, for example, that the best attorneys are not always graduates of the highest regarded law schools, but it is hard to convince some employers (including mine) to look at anyone who didn’t graduate from an Ivy League college or another highly rated law school.

Great things are accomplished through preparation, teamwork and hard work. Jerry Rice, generally considered the greatest wide receiver of all time and who still holds the NFL records for the most receptions, the most touchdowns, and the most receiving yards, said, “The enemy of the best is the good. If you’re always settling with what’s good, you’ll never be the best. Today I will do what others won’t so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” First it takes preparation, both physical and mental. Good coaches know the best players are the ones that are both physically and mentally prepared. Or as the future Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning once said, “Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” But football is more than just 11 guys congregating at the stadium. That group of guys must become a team by putting aside different backgrounds and especially their egos for the betterment of the team. Remember the Titans[iii] is the true story of the T.C. Williams high school (Alexandria, Virginia) football team that is racially integrated for the first time in 1971 under a federal mandate and how that team became a unifying symbol for the community as the players and their parents learn to trust and depend on each other. Here is a montage of scenes from the movie, illustrating how they ultimately became a team:

That team went undefeated, winning the state championship despite racial prejudice, school board politics, and maybe worst of all, a devastating injury to one of the team’s best players, rendering him a paraplegic for the rest of his life. Even sadder, that same player (Gerry Bertier) is killed when hit by a drunk driver ten years later, just after he had won a gold medal for the shot put in the Paralympic Games. As leaders and teammates in life, there is little we can’t accomplish if we have the same attitude and drive as the coaches and players from the T.C. Williams 1971 football team. Legendary college football coach Lou Holtz may have said it best: “Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”

We compete not just against the opposition, but with ourselves. We’ve all heard the expression, “practice makes perfect,” but a friend once taught me the expression ought to be, “perfect practice, makes perfect.” We will perform as we practice, whether in sports or in life in general. In life, though, we don’t really get to practice, but how we handle the small, everyday tasks will have a major impact on how we handle the major drama in our lives. If we can learn how to do the little things effectively, the big things will take care of themselves. But in a world where we all admit nobody’s perfect, how can we ever practice perfectly? Coach Gaines in Friday Night Lights[iv] has the right idea:

In sports, we will always be able to point to someone who is faster, stronger and more athletic overall than we are. In life, we will always be able to point to someone who is smarter, better educated, and more talented than we are. If we compare ourselves to others, then, we will always end up disappointed. So instead of comparing ourselves to others, we should compare our performance against our own abilities. The question we should be asking ourselves is, did I do a given task to the best of my ability by using my best judgment and putting in the appropriate amount of time and effort? If we can say yes to that, in the final analysis, we performed perfectly.

Although winning does matter, you can’t win all the time. Unfortunately, in life there are very few participation trophies; the world’s highest rewards are reserved for winners. But even the best and brightest don’t win all the time. Not every pass is completed, not every run results in a touchdown, and tackles are sometimes missed. But maybe that’s a good thing. It is through our failures that the best lessons are learned, as we think about what went wrong and resolve not to make the same mistake again. How we react to our failures, is the measure of the type of person we are. As Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” There is a difference, then, in experiencing defeat and being defeated. And even when we are riding the high of success, we should remember that it can all change in an instant. Just ask Gerry Bertier from Remember the Titans. Or Joe Theismann after his leg injury ended his career. Or just recently, All-Pro quarterback Eli Manning, being benched after starting 210 consecutive regular season games and leading the New York Giants to two Super Bowl titles. Sadly, sometimes, even though we give it our all, we still come up short, as illustrated by this second clip from Friday Night Lights as the Panthers end up a yard short on the last play of the state championship game:

Sometimes we don’t get that promotion. Sometimes a deal falls apart. Sometimes the girl we think we are madly in love with chooses the other guy. If we won all the time, life would be easy. But it’s not. So the journey becomes as important as the destination. What can we learn along the way? What relationships do we foster? What memories can we log in our play book of experience? These are the important matters that can make winners of us all.

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[i] Leatherheads

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Casey Silver Productions, Smokehouse Pictures
• Director: George Clooney
• Screenwriters: Duncan Brantley, Rick Reilly
• Starring: George Clooney, Renée Zellweger, John Krasinski
• Release date: April 4, 2008

[ii] Invincible

• Production Company: Walt Disney Pictures, Mayhem Pictures, Who’s Nuts Productions
• Director: Ericson Core
• Screenwriter: Brad Gann
• Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Greg Kinnear, Elizabeth Banks
• Release date: August 25, 2006

[iii] Remember the Titans

• Production Company: Jerry Bruckheimer Films, Run It Up Productions Inc., Technical Black
• Director: Boaz Yakin
• Screenwriter: Gregory Allen Howard
• Starring: Denzel Washington, Will Paton, Wood Harris
• Release date: September 29, 2000

[iv] Friday Night Lights

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Imagine Entertainment, Friday Night Lights LLC
• Director: Peter Berg
• Screenwriter: David Aaron Cohen (based on the book by Buzz Bissinger)
• Starring: Billy bob Thornton, Jay Hernandez and Derek Luke
• Release date: October 8, 2004