Years ago, a retired couple was enjoying a vacation in central California, visiting the man’s sister. While traveling the crowded freeways of California, the man changed lanes and nearly hit a car in that lane he had not seen (they call it a blind spot for a reason!). He tried to apologize by waving at the car behind him. The young man driving that car, however, looked angry and began tailgating the couple. Whether speeding up or slowing down, the car behind the couple stayed dangerously close. The tailgating continued for miles. The retired couple became concerned, then worried. They hoped the shelter of the underground parking lot of the man’s sister’s apartment would protect them, but the tailgating car followed them right into the parking garage. Prepared to be hurt or even killed, the retired man got out of his car and faced his pursuer. He apologized again, explaining he hadn’t seen the other man’s car. The other man, still angry and saying nothing, walked up to the retired man’s car, pried off one of the hubcaps, and with hubcap in hand, got back into his car and sped off.

What causes a young man to go miles out of his way to follow a couple in their 70s who changed lanes too close to him? The retired couple was my father-in-law and mother-in-law. Later, they were able to laugh at the experience, but it was no laughing matter for them as they went through it. I have often wondered what the young man did with that hubcap. Did he hang it on the wall of his bedroom, a trophy of his courage and conquest? More importantly, what possesses any of us to one-up those around us for any and often no reason? Why is it so hard for us to learn the time spent in getting even is better used in getting ahead?

I get it. Whether playing sports as a youth, or even now playing board games with the family, I hate to lose, and the taste of winning is never so sweet as when, once beaten, I come back to trounce my opponent the next time. In truth, we all get it. We savor getting back at someone who has taken advantage of us (at least as we perceive it) or beaten us, whether it is in sports, games, business or politics – or even getting home faster than the car next to us.

Hollywood apparently gets it as well. On Wikipedia, I searched “movies about revenge” and the results listed over 200 movies, and I suspect there are even more than that. In my own lifetime, at least 10 of the Oscar winners for best picture arguably were movies having a major plot line about getting even.

It should not surprise us that revenge movies are so popular, as there is something innate in all of us that demands justice. A farmer might describe this as you reap what you sow; I scientist might say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; a businessperson might follow the mantra, I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine. Even criminals often live by this same rule. In the opening scene of The Godfather,[i] a fellow Italian asks Don Corleone for a favor. He wants the Corleone “family” to avenge an attack upon his daughter, who was beaten by her boyfriend and another young man. These attackers were arrested but given a suspended sentence, and so the father wants justice – inflicted by the family – since the law wouldn’t do it. But Corleone wants something in return:

As Jonathan Haidt explains it in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis,[ii] even though we never have been part of a crime syndicate, we understand instantly this complex interaction. We understand why the father wants retaliation against the young men, and why Don Corleone initially refuses to do it. We understand the importance of cultivating the right relationships, and why, accepting Corleone’s gift, the father must now be a part of Corleone’s extended family with an obligation, at some point, to return the favor. Haidt goes on to explain that reciprocity, as he calls it, is our social currency, and one of the main things that separates us from lower animals. He uses as a simple example a study conducted at Arizona State University where a psychologist sent Christmas cards to people at random that didn’t even know him. The great majority sent him a card in return. In short, “people have a mindless, automatic reciprocity reflex.”

This natural reciprocity reflex in us requires justice. We believe in karma. If someone does something to us, we expect the perpetrators to get what’s coming to them, and if the law won’t (or can’t) do it for us, then we’ll do it ourselves (which generally feels better to us anyway). As you watch the opening scene of a movie like True Grit,[iii] you immediately get invested in the quest that justice be done:

We reflectively nod our heads when Mattie tells us “you must pay for everything in this world, one way or another.” We, along with Mattie, feel satisfied when her father’s murderer, Tom Chaney, is killed. But there is a twist in the movie we can learn from. Often there are unintended consequences when we expend great energy to get even. Here is the closing scene of the movie (don’t feel like you need to watch all the closing credits!)

The recoil from the gun Mattie fires to kill Chaney knocks her into a pit of rattlesnakes. As the last scene shows us, most of Mattie’s arm had to be amputated due to gangrene resulting from a snake bite – an unintended consequence of her getting even for the murder of her father. I have heard it told this way. If you get bit by a rattlesnake, you have two choices. You can use all your energies to pursue and kill the snake that bit you, or you can use that same energy to get medical help. Getting even with the snake may feel gratifying; but getting medical attention may save your life.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I believe in justice. Without justice, our world would be chaos. But I also believe in forgiveness and mercy. And knowing when to apply one over the other requires true grit – and true wisdom. Before we retaliate, let’s consider the motivations behind the perpetrator before we seek revenge. Was it an accident? Was there some other, justifiable reason for the perpetrator’s actions? Are there others more capable than we are of obtaining justice? Does the punishment fit the crime? Will getting even do us more harm than the “good” we inflict by seeking retribution? I love this scene from Schindler’s List,[iv] which answers the question of what is power, but also gives us some guidance in determining the appropriateness of either justice, mercy, or even a combination of the two:

In the final analysis, although different circumstances may require different responses, I believe generally we are better off cultivating cooperative relationships where we return favor for favor, rather than avenging others with an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, mentality. If we would be better off building that kind of social network, the entire world just might be better off as well. So send Christmas cards to people you don’t know, say hello to people you pass on the street, open your wallet to the beggar on the corner – and let good karma do the rest.

---

[i] The Godfather

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures; Alfran Productions
• Director: Francis Ford Coppola
• Screenwriter: Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola
• Starring: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino and James Caan
• Release date: April 4, 1997

[ii] Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis, Basic Books (2006)

[iii]True Grit

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures, Skydance Media, Scott Rudin Productions
• Director: Ethan Coen and Joel Coen
• Screenwriter: Ethan Coen and Joel Coen (based on the novel by Charles Portis)
• Starring: Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Hailee Steinfeld
• Release date: December 22, 2010

[iv] Schlinder’s List

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Steven Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Steven Zaillian (based on the book by Thomas Keneally
• Starring: Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Ben Kingsley
• Release date: February 4, 1997

 

Lately I have thought a lot about my career as a lawyer and about my life in general. Getting old(er) will make you do that. I have reminisced on my accomplishments, and yes, my failures, realizing I learned much more from my failures than my successes. But I have also thought a lot about the “what ifs” of my life. My becoming an in-house oil and gas lawyer, for example, was largely a matter of chance (actually two matters of chance) – or destiny, as Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire would say. In hindsight, becoming a lawyer was a great career move for me. I’m good at logic and analyzing problems and alternative solutions. I can see both sides of an issue. And I’m a decent writer. But I didn’t grow up dreaming of negotiating and drafting billion dollar deals. Like many of us, when I was young, I dreamt of what I saw as more exciting careers – first of being a professional athlete, then a star on Broadway, then a stand-up comic (you can stop laughing now). I should have been one of the people in this scene from Mr. Deeds[i]:

Perhaps that’s why the new movie, La La Land[ii], resonated with me. It’s the story of an aspiring actress and a jazz musician trying to make their dreams come true. The highlight for me was Mia’s (Emma Stone) audition where she sings:

• A bit of madness is key
• To give us new colors to see
• Who knows where it will lead us?
• And that’s why they need us
• So bring on the rebels
• The ripples from pebbles
• The painters, and poets and plays
• And here’s to the fools who dream
• Crazy as they may seem
• Here’s to the hearts that break
• Here’s to the mess we make

One of my favorite movie scenes about dreaming to do something great is this clip from Dead Poet’s Society[iii] where Mr. Keating (Robin Williams) asks his students, “What will your verse be?”

I believe each of us hopes, either outwardly or secretly, that our own particular verse of life will be remembered by others and rewarding to ourselves.

A significant factor regarding our happiness in life is our work (and I include stay-at-home parents, in that term, as that might be one of the hardest jobs of all). Those people who love their jobs tend to be happier, which only makes sense since we spend so much time at it.

Jonathan Haidt, in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis[iv], notes that we have a basic desire to make things happen. Psychologists call this desire a need for competence, industry and mastery. This often results in getting more pleasure from making progress toward our goals than actually achieving them. In short, the journey can be more important than the destination. In 1964, two sociologists surveyed 3,100 American men about their jobs. The men most satisfied with their jobs were those who had more latitude in deciding how to do their jobs. In other words, if we are given a goal and then left to ourselves to determine how to reach that goal, we will be happier. Haidt summarizes recent research in this area, concluding that most people approach their work in one of three ways: as a job, as a career or as a calling. If you see your work as a job, you do it just for the money.  You constantly watch the clock and dream of the weekend. If you see your work as a career, you have larger goals of advancement, promotion and prestige. You sometimes even work late or take work home with you, yet at times you wonder why you work so hard. If your work is a calling, you find your work fulfilling, and contributing to a greater good. You would continue working, even without pay, if you suddenly became very wealthy.

So how do we find something to do that can become our calling? First, we need to determine what we like and what we are good at. Regardless of what stage in life you’re in, try taking a test or two that can help you determine your aptitudes. Then tailor your work in a way that allows you to use those strengths every day, in an environment that allows you to be self-directed. I realize a boss or two might stand in your way, but I think there are at least some subtle things we can do. As Barry Schwartz points out in one of his TED talks[v], hospital custodians, whose official job descriptions were lists of menial cleaning tasks, without any interaction with another person (at least according to the job descriptions), can find ways to make their jobs fulfilling. They did it by going beyond the formal job descriptions to do things that mattered to others.

I have found there are two equal factors that determine our happiness at work. We need to like what we do. But equally important is enjoying the people we work with. I have had jobs that I loved and jobs that I hated, where the nature of the work was the same. The difference? The jobs I loved were those where I loved the people I worked with. So if you are a boss, do what you can to make those working for you enjoy what they are doing. A happy employee is generally a more productive and creative one.

But all this sounds much easier than it is. Even if you find that thing you’re passionate about, how do you turn it into a career? For example, as a teenager, I loved basketball, but the odds of a high school basketball player making it to the NBA are roughly one in 30,000. And no matter how much I practiced (and I practiced a lot!), I am just not tall enough, quick enough, or athletic enough to make it.

I found the movie, Florence Foster Jenkins,[vi] not only funny but thought provoking. It’s the story of a wealthy New York socialite who loves to sing but can’t, and doesn’t realize it. As Florence’s (Meryl Streep) accompanist points out in this scene, sometimes practice is just not enough:

And what of Florence’s husband, St. Clair Bayfield (Hugh Grant). When we love someone, how willing are we to tell the truth – at least directly enough so the person understands what we really are trying to say? How do we balance reality with not hurting someone’s feelings:

Even more offensive to me were the other people surrounding Florence who encouraged her, despite her lack of talent, merely because she was so generous to their various charities.

Let’s increase our happiness by finding ways to make our work more satisfying – even if that includes things not technically part of our job description. But let’s also show true love to those we care about, by encouraging them to realize their dreams, coupled with a healthy dose of reality.

_______________________________

[i] Mr. Deeds

• Production Co.: Columbia Pictures, New Line Cinema, Happy Madison Productions
• Director: Steven Brill
• Writers: Clarence Budington Kelland, Robert Risken, and Tim Herlihy
• Stars: Adam Sandler, Winona Ryder, and John Turturro
• Release date: June 28, 2002

[ii] La La Land

• Production Co.: Black Label Media, Gilbert Films, and Imposter Pictures
• Director: Damien Chazelle
• Writer: Damien Chazelle (Justin Hurwitz, music)
• Stars: Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone
• Release date: December 25, 2016

[iii] Dead Poets Society

• Production Co.: Touchstone Pictures, Silver Screen Partners IV, A Steven Halt Production
• Director: Peter Weir
• Writer: Tom Schulman
• Stars: Robin Williams, Robert Sean Leonard, and Ethan Hawke
• Release date: June 9, 1989

[iv] Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis, Basic Books, (2006)

[v] See, Barry Schwartz, “Our Loss of Wisdom,” TED Talk, February 16, 2009

[vi] Florence Foster Jenkins

• Production Co.: Qerty Films, Pathé Pictures, and BBC Films
• Director: Stephen Frears
• Writer: Nicholas Martin
• Stars: Meryl Streep, Hugh Grant and Simon Helberg
• Release date: August 12, 2016

 

 

I wonder what Jesus would think of Christmas in 2016 in America. We have gone from reverent worship by a handful of shepherds to a merchandising miracle. My family is no different than most America’s families (although I realize there are many who have little – at least on a material basis – to enjoy at Christmas). My wife and I say each year we are not going to do much for Christmas, but when we finally finish all the wrapping, there is not nearly enough room under the tree for all the presents. I have a large family (five kids with four spouses and 14 grandchildren), so it doesn’t take much for the presents to pile up. But I have learned over the years that the more we get, the less we appreciate each gift. This year especially I noticed that many of our grandkids (those four to six years old) had more fun unwrapping the presents than enjoying what was inside. I almost agree with the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas* that, with so many gifts soon ending up in the garbage, what we keep doing is stupid, stupid, stupid:

Seeing the haul everyone took home from our extended family celebration two days before Christmas, and then visiting our adult kids homes’ on Christmas day, reminded me of how fortunate we are to live in America with its wealth compared to most of the rest of the world – although prosperity brings its own set of problems. Several years back David J. Smith wrote a children’s book in which he took the world’s population and reduced it to 100 people, but kept all the demographic ratios in place. Various websites have taken that idea and tried to keep the statistics current. If the entire world’s population were reduced to only one hundred people, the demographics would look like this:

• 61 of the villagers would be Asian (20 Chinese, 17 Indian and 24 other Asians), 13 would be African, 12 would be European, 9 would be Latin Americans, and five would be American and Canadian. None would be Australian.
• 50 would be male and 50 would be female. 27 would be under 15 years of age and 7 would be over 64 years old.
• 75 would be non-white.
• 33 would be Christian, 20 would be Muslim, 13 would be Hindu, 6 would be Buddhists, 2 would be atheists, 12 would claim not religious affiliation, and 14 would be members of other religions.
• 80 would live in substandard housing.
• At least 18 would be unable to read or write, but 33 would have cell phones.
• 50 would be malnourished and one would be dying of starvation.
• 33 would be without access to a safe water supply.
• 39 would lack access to improved sanitation
• 24 would not have any electricity, and of the 76 who had electricity, most would use it only for a light at night.
• Only 16 would have access to the Internet.
• One would have a college education.
• Two would be near birth; one would be near death.
• Five would control 32 percent of the entire world’s wealth; all five of those would be US citizens. Only 18 would have cars.
• One would have aids, 26 would smoke, and 14 would be obese.
• 48 would live on less than $2 a day.
• 20 would live on less than $1 a day.

But even in America, the inequality of wealth can be alarming. For example, in 2010, the top 400 richest people in America owned more wealth than the bottom 150 million Americans put together. To learn more about wealth in America, I recommend Inequality for All** which discusses in detail the inequality of wealth in America, and Happy*** which discusses, it part, how wealth affects (or does not affect) our levels of happiness.

Christmas was especially hard for me this year, as I spent long hours, including many weekends during the last three months of the year, working on a large transaction for my employer. It has reminded me once again that, even on my best days at work, my greatest accomplishment is to help the corporation make more money. That is not necessarily bad. I realize it’s the pursuit of money that makes the economy (and therefore the world) go ‘round, or as Gordon Gecko would say in Wall Street****, “Greed is good.

But how many Christmas presents are enough? Is greed really good when it destroys relationships and even lives? As we learned from the documentary, Happy, we need enough money to cover our basic needs, but after that, adding to our collection of things really doesn’t increase our happiness – although most of us think otherwise. Despite what Gordon Gecko says, it’s not all about bucks.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am grateful for a secure job that provides me more than enough income to satisfy my family’s needs. But with a good income, comes a responsibility. What can we, who have so much, do to instigate change in the inequality of wealth? I don’t believe the redistribution of wealth through taxation is the ultimate answer. Here are some of my New Year’s resolutions for the coming year:

• I will increase my charitable giving, and make it more effective. In reviewing my charitable donations this past year, I discovered that a large share of my contributions (about half) went to cultural arts organizations. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, as I believe good music, art and theater greatly adds to our quality of life. But unfortunately, many people can’t afford to enjoy them (e.g. Hamilton tickets costing over $600+ per ticket). This year, I intend to give more to organizations that help families meet their basic needs.
• I will focus my giving (both time and money) on organizations designed to help people help themselves. As the old saying goes, “Give a man a fish and you feed him a meal; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a life time.”
• I will give away old clothes, cars and furniture rather than sell them on Craig’s List.
• I will take care of my own first, by teaching my children (and grandchildren) the value of work and the importance of a good education that teaches practical skills.
• I will distribute wealth among my immediate and extended family by subsidizing housing, and making educational grants and low interest car and other loans, to those that need the help.
• Most importantly, I will not judge others based on their economic status. It is not my place to determine whether someone “deserves” to go hungry.

There are many other things we can do as well. And step one is to realize what we have, and what many others do not.

In closing, I hope we all can realize, like the Grinch, that Christmas doesn’t come from a store.

As we start this new year, let’s remember that people are more important than things, and that no one should have to go to bed hungry. And also like the Grinch, if we can do that, maybe our hearts will grow three sizes as well.

                                                           

*How the Grinch Stole Christmas

• Production: Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment
• Directed: Ron Howard
• Screenplay: Jeffrey Price (based on the book by Dr. Seuss)
• Starring: Jim Carrey and Taylor Momsen
• Release Date: November 17, 2000

**Inequality for All

• Production: 72 Productions
• Directed: Jacob Kornbluth
• Screenplay: Documentary
• Starring: Robert Reich
• Release Date: September 27, 2013

***Happy

• Production: Emotional Content, Iris Films and Wadi Rum Films, Inc.
• Directed: Roko Bellic
• Screenplay: Roko Bellic
• Starring: Anne Blechsgaard, Gregory Burns and Roy Blanchard
• Release Date: July 3, 2013

****Wall Street

• Production: Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, American Entertainment Partners, L.P.
• Directed: Oliver Stone
• Screenplay: Stanley Weiser and Oliver Stone
• Starring: Charlie Sheen, Michael Douglas, and Tamara Tunie
• Release Date: December 11, 1987

Over two thousand years ago, a heavenly choir gathered to perform one of the most exciting concerts ever. It was an outdoor performance to only a select few – a handful of shepherds and their flocks in the hills outside of Bethlehem. The message of the music was simple: “Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace, good will toward men.” (Luke 2:14.)

Of course, the choir was there to help announce the birth of the one who many now call the Savior. And His message is one of peace. Shortly before His crucifixion, He said to His apostles, “Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.” (John 14:27.)

But where is that peace today? All around us we see, hear and often live just the opposite. War, murder, road rage, contention, violence, distrust, revenge, anger, death, destruction, anguish, brutality, bullying, abuse, despair, sorrow, shattered hopes, heartache, disappointment, hatred.  These are not just words we know; we often live them – whether we want to or not.

I remember as a young boy, sitting in church this time of year, singing the carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. The chorister abruptly ended the song after the third verse:

• And in despair I bowed my head
• There is no peace on earth I said
• For hate is strong and mocks the song
• Of peace on earth goodwill to men

I remember thinking, what kind of Christmas carol is that? But I’m older now, and perhaps a little wiser. I admit, with the news each day filled with violence, hatred and tragedy, I often feel the same way as Longfellow did.

World peace is on the Christmas wish list of many. We hope that world leaders, through treaties, cease fires, pacts and other agreements, will bring us peace. Ironically, world peace really begins with each of us individually. If each individual, regardless of belief or religion, could radiate the true spirit of Christmas, then every home would radiate peace. A thousand such homes would build a truly peaceful city, and a thousand such cities would bring the beginning of peace on earth for everyone.

So what keeps us from experiencing peace? Often is it because we let anger get the best of us – even when we feel we are justified.  As Halifax said, “Anger is seldom without an argument, but seldom with a good one.” I have always loved this clip from Happy Gilmore*:

It usually takes two people to make one of them angry. Often, our anger arises from a simple misunderstanding. We don’t hear something correctly, or the story changes as it goes from person to person. Or as we lawyers like to say, we assume facts not in evidence. Speaking of lawyers, enjoy this clip from Erin Brockovich**:

Often our anger emanates from a desire to get even, a desire for revenge, which King Arthur, in the movie, Camelot, calls “the most worthless of causes.” But revenge is like biting a dog because the dog bit you. Or as the movie, Seabiscuit*** illustrates, the time spent getting even is much better used getting ahead:

Often, the acts of violence we experience are the result of one person exercising power and control over us. The victims of domestic abuse, rape and bullying feel helpless under the power and control of the perpetrator. Even those in war are often the “victims” of their superior officers. But studies have shown, for example, that if even one person stands up to a bully, the bullying will stop. As Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” I love this scene from Eye in the Sky**** showing how, even in the military, raising an issue can lead to a more peaceful solution:

An even better solution might be to follow the advice of the person whose birth we are celebrating: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44.) As this clip from The War***** illustrates, it really can be done:

With William Gladstone, I “look forward to the time when the power of love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.” As the carol says, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” This Christmas, let’s give some of the gifts suggested by someone I admire:

This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again. (Howard W. Hunter)

These are the truly special gifts we can give this holiday season. Happy holidays to all, and may you and yours enjoy peace.

                                                                          

*Happy Gilmore

• Production: Universal Pictures, Brillstein-Grey Enertainment and Robert Simonds Productions
• Directed: Dennis Dugan
• Screenplay: Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler
• Starring: Adam Sandler, Christopher McDonald and Jule Bowen
• Release Date: February 16, 1996

**Erin Brockovich

• Production: Universal Pictures, Columbia Pictures and Jersey Films
• Directed: Steven Soderbergh
• Screenplay: Susannah Grant
• Starring: Julia Roberts and Albert Finney
• Release Date: March 17, 2000

***Seabiscuit

• Production: Universal Pictures, DreamWorks, Spyglass Entertainment
• Directed: Gary Ross
• Screenplay: Gary Ross (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Toby Maguire, Jeff Bridges and Elizabeth Banks
• Release Date: July 25, 2003

****Eye in the Sky

• Production: Raindog Films, Entertainment One
• Directed: Gavin Hood
• Screenplay: Guy Hibbert
• Starring: Helen Mirren, Aaron Paul, Alan Rickman
• Release Date: March 11, 2016

*****The War

• Production: Island World
• Directed: Jon Avnet
• Screenplay: Kathy McWorter
• Starring: Elijah Wood, Kevin Costner, Mare Winningham
• Release Date: Noveber 4, 1994

The Psalmist of the Bible tells us, “Children are a heritage of the Lord…. Happy is the man that has his quiver full of them.” If ancient King David is anything like me, he grinned when he wrote that, for the thought of having a quiver-full of kids makes me, well, quiver. Providing a safe place for our children, and the food and clothing that go along with it, can be a terrifying responsibility. Even worse, raising a child to be a self-sufficient, functioning and productive member society can be overwhelming. Having had five children of my own, I have learned by my own experience the roller coaster ride that being a parent can be. My family has been the center of the greatest highs in my life; they have also been at the center of my deepest lows.

Most of us go into marriage and starting a family not fully appreciating the patience, kindness, long-suffering and wisdom raising children requires. The problem of being a parent is, by the time you are trained well enough to do the job effectively, you are essentially unemployed (although I realize you never stop being a parent, even after your kids leave home). And often, as we are in the middle of our on the job training, we feel like Allyson in Mom’s Night Out,* a total failure as a parent – that we just aren’t good enough. But we are. Although a bit preachy, I love the message of this clip:

My in-laws had six kids and a plaque on their wall that said, “Before I got married I had six different theories about raising children. Now I have six kids—and no theories.” My wife and I feel pretty much the same way. Although our five children have some similarities, there are also great differences among them. I sometimes wonder how five children, all raised in the same environment, can be so different. In short, our children come pre-wired. They have minds of their own. So I try to be philosophical. I’ve tried, as a parent, to teach them things I feel are important for them to succeed, but I try not to take the blame if they do things that I consider not to be so smart. But the opposite is also true. I don’t feel like I can take credit for any of the good things they do.

So in this post I won’t throw out any theories on how to best raise children; there are entire sections in libraries and bookstores that attempt to tackle that subject. Instead, let me share two simple truths about children:

Truth No. 1: As Arnold Glasow said it, “The best thing to spend on children is your time.” Or as my wife would say, “It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we’re together.” The movie, Chef** tells of how a father takes a road trip in a food truck to recapture his passion for cooking, but more importantly, to reconnect with his son by working together:

By playing together (just hanging out):

And by learning from each other:

And when it comes to all things technological, who better to learn from than our own children?

Truth No. 2: Love all your children all the time. When they need it, and when they deserve it. My children are far from perfect—just like their dad. I hope my children feel my love for them, even when they sometimes do what I consider to be foolish.

In Silver Linings Playbook,*** after a stint in a mental institution due to his bipolar disorder, adult son, Pat, moves back into his parents’ home.  In this, one of my favorite scenes from the movie, Pat’s father, tries to help his son, even though he’s not quite sure how. So he tries to connect through something they both have in common, a love of football:

The important thing is Pat, Sr. never gives up on his son.

A young woman once wrote about the continuous heartache her brother had caused her parents. He got involved in drugs. He resisted all efforts at control and discipline. He was deceitful and defiant. Ultimately, he got caught with drugs by the police and finally forced to face the consequences of his actions. For two years his parents supported her brother in his treatment program, both economically and morally, which ultimately brought about his eventual recovery from his addiction. In summary, this young woman wrote:

“I think my parents are extraordinary.  They never wavered in their love for [my brother], though they disagreed with and even hated what he was doing to himself and to their family life. But they were committed enough to their family to support [my brother] in any way necessary to get him through the tough times and onto more solid ground.”

So love your kids when they make you proud. But more importantly, love them when they don’t. And the corollary is just as important.  Don’t judge other parents by what their children may sometimes do.

Hopefully, you’ll find more highs than lows when it comes to your children. In the final analysis, I hope that you can agree with George Banks  in Father of the Bride Part II,**** that life doesn’t get any better than this:

Let’s tip our caps to all those parents and grandparents who spend time with their children or grandchildren, and love them regardless. And if you happen to have a parent or grandparent who exemplify these two truths, give thanks – especially to them.

                                               

*Mom’s Night Out

Production: Affirm Films, FourBoys Entertainment and Provident Films

Directed: Andrew Erwin and Jon Erwin

Screenplay: Jon Erwin and Andrea Nasfell

Starring: Sarah Drew, Sean Austin and Patricia Heaton

Release Date: May 9, 2014

**Chef

Production: Aldamisa Entertainment and Kilburn Media

Directed: Jon Favreau

Screenplay: Jon Favreau

Starring: Jon Favreau, Robert Downey, Jr. and Scarlett Johansson

Release Date:  May 30, 2014

***Silver Linings Playbook

Production: The Weinstein Company

Directed: David O. Russell

Screenplay: David O. Russell (based on the book by Matthew Quick

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert DeNiro

Release Date: November 16, 2012

****Father of the Bride Part II

Production: Sandollar Productions, Taylor-Made Productions and The Meyers/Shyer Company

Directed: Charles Shyer

Screenplay: Albert Hackett, Frances Goodrich, Nancy Meyers and Charles Shyer

Starring: Steve Martin, Diane Keaton and Martin Short

Release Date: December 8, 1995

Christmas comes earlier every year. Now we go right from Halloween (which becomes a bigger celebration each year) to Christmas decorations the next day (if not before). We don’t really even talk much about Thanksgiving, as everyone focuses on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and the great bargains we will pick up at the stores or online. Maybe Canadians have it right; they celebrate Thanksgiving in October before Halloween.

Since I love to eat, I love Thanksgiving. But it’s not just the food. I love the short work week. I love getting together with family. I love watching football. But best of all, I love to stop and think about, well, being thankful. It is something that most of us probably don’t do enough, especially since having gratitude is one of the best things we can do for own mental health.

Feeling gratitude is one sure way to make us happier. In fact, scientists have studied the effect feeling grateful has on the brain. Feeling grateful activates the brain stem that produces dopamine. Additionally, gratitude toward others increases activity in social dopamine circuits, which makes social interactions more enjoyable. One additional powerful effect of focusing on the positive aspects of your life increases serotonin production. In fact, just searching for something to be grateful for has this effect. In short, being grateful can have the same effect on your brain as Wellbutrin (which boosts dopamine) and Prozac (which boosts serotonin), without the side effects.

The loss of something we once had often intensifies our feelings of gratitude. Watch this clip from The Pianist,* the true story about a Polish Jewish musician trying to survive World War II. The gratitude nearly oozes from the screen as Wladyslaw Szpilman (the pianist) appreciates the simple gifts of bread and jam from a German officer, who in turn appreciates the beautiful music the pianist provides him. (You’ll have to copy and paste the link below into your browser.)

http://video.anyclip.com/movies/the-pianist/the-german-officer-brings-szpilman-food/

We can all be thankful for something. Even if you can’t pay your bills you can be thankful you’re not one of your own creditors! So how do we develop feelings of gratitude? Duh, by giving thanks! Whether you believe in God, the Force, or even just the greatness of the human spirit, each day we should stop and give thanks to whomever or whatever we believe in. And be specific. I love this short clip from The Fast and the Furious** where the car “dealers” say grace before their meal, expressing appreciation to the car gods for what they are thankful for.

Just as important, we should thank those around us that are special to us: our parents, our kids, our teachers, our friends. The great thing about thanking others is it uplifts both the person giving the thanks and person receiving the thanks. So let’s remember someone who helped us along the way, even if it were a long time ago, as these students do in The Emperor’s Club.***  Notice how important the thank yous are to the teacher as well as the students.

As the forgotten holiday approaches, let’s take a break from our Black Friday shopping to remember both Thanksgiving and giving thanks. Call a family member, send an email to a friend, mail a thank you card, give your mom or dad (or both!) a hug, and let each of them know how much you appreciate them. The time it will take will be small, but the rewards to both them and you will be enormous. Simply said, let’s get the entire world high on thanks, and avoid the warning of Harriet Beecher Stowe: “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

Let me start by saying how grateful I am for movies and the important lessons I have learned from them. And thank you for taking the time to read my posts and sometimes even sharing them with others.

____________________

*The Pianist

Production: R.P. Productions, Heritage Films and Studio Babelsberg

Directed: Roman Polanski

Screenplay: Ronald Harwood (based n the book by Wladyslaw Szpilman)

Starring: Adrien Brody, Thomas Kretschmann and Frank Finlay

Release Date: March 28, 2003

**The Fast and the Furious

Production: Universal Pictures, Original Film, MediaStream Film

Directed: Rob Cohen

Screenplay: Ken Li and Gary Scott Thompson

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Michelle Rodriguez

Release Date: June 22, 2001

***The Emperor’s Club

Production: Beacon Communications, Fine Line Features and Horsepower Films

Directed: Michael Hoffman

Screenplay: Ethan Canin and Neil Tolkin

Starring: Kevin Kline, Emile Hirsch and Joel Gretsch

Release Date: November 22, 2002

About a year ago, a craze swept the world: arguing whether this dress is blue or gold:

 

To me, the dress is clearly gold; to my daughter, it is clearly blue. We both swore we were right, and nothing either of us said could convince the other of bad eyesight. Truth is like that. Actual truth is largely irrelevant (the manufacturer claims the dress is really blue, although I don’t believe him); it is our perception of truth that really matters. That perception is the result of one’s prior experiences (or in the case of the famous dress, physical differences in the viewers’ eyes). And this is where we sometimes get into trouble. Different persons will interpret facts differently, based on their own prior experiences, which leads one person to question the knowledge, sincerity or credibility of the other.

The movie, The Truman Show,* tells the story of Truman Burbank, an insurance adjuster, who is an ordinary man living an ordinary life – or at least that’s his perception. The reality is, the place where Truman lives is a large TV studio with hidden cameras everywhere. All the people around him are really just actors playing parts in a reality TV show. But Truman’s reality is real to him, and that’s what matters. It is the only life he has ever known, being born on the TV show. For Truman’s truth (reality) to change, his perception of his life must change. Here is the final scene of the movie where Truman changes his perception of his entire life, and thus changes his truth:

If we want to change the world, then, we need to change our own or others’ perceptions of the world. Here are some examples from psychological studies of how our perceptions about ourselves can change the “truth” about ourselves:

• Japanese researchers blindfolded 13 students and told them their right arms were being rubbed with poison ivy. The right arm of all these students broke out in a rash, even though the plant used was just a harmless plant, not poison ivy. More remarkable, the researchers rubbed actual poison ivy on the left arms of these same 13 students but told them it was a harmless plant. Only two of the students’ left arms broke out in a rash, although all were highly allergic to poison ivy.
• Half of the cleaning staffs at seven different hotels were told how many calories their daily activities burned, and that vacuuming was similar to a cardio workout. The other half of these staffs were told nothing. During the study, those who had been primed to think of their work as exercise actually lost weight and their cholesterol levels dropped, even though they did no exercise outside of their work.
• A group of Asian women were given similar math tests on two separate occasions. Before the first test, these women were told to think about the fact that they were women taking a math test (and so, according to the stereotype, worse at math than men). Before the second test, they were to focus on the fact that they were Asian (and again according to the stereotype, better at math than other ethnic groups). These women performed far better on the second test than the first.

As Christof, the creator of The Truman Show in the movie says, “We accept the reality of the world in which we’re presented. It’s as simple as that.”

One potential problem with simply accepting the reality presented to us is that those perceptions often result in self-fulfilling prophecies. Because perceptions lead us to see the world in a certain way, we look for proof that our perceptions are accurate. Psychologists call this “confirmation bias.” The movie, Truth** portrays the attempts of newsman, Dan Rather, and his producer, Mary Mapes, to bring down a sitting U.S. President, running for re-election, by breaking the story that George W. Bush had gone AWOL while serving in the Texas Air National Guard. There was only one problem: the story was untrue. Rumors were flying that, thirty years previously, President Bush had joined the Texas Air National Guard to avoid the draft, and as the son of a former congressman who later became U.S. President, had received special treatment by the Guard. All Rather and Mapes needed to do was find evidence the rumors were true. Here is a short clip from the movie that sets out Mapes’ point of view from the outset of their investigation:

Mapes didn’t like men who abused their power. She saw President Bush as one of those, and set out to find the evidence that would confirm her perception of him.

Mapes and Rather found their evidence in memos written by Bush’s commanding officer, Jerry Killian, who was now conveniently dead. These memos showed Bush disobeying Killian’s direct orders to fulfill even minimal requirements of the Guard, followed by pressure from those higher up the command chain to let the infractions slide. But these memos were supposedly written in 1972, before the development of word processors, and a close look at the memos showed the words were proportionately spaced (which was impossible using the typewriters of the day). In addition, the memos were written in fonts that did not exist in 1972. And then it got worse. Another journalist noted that one of the memos mentions a commanding officer who had already retired. Another had an old address that Bush had stopped using before the memo was supposedly written. Killian’s entire family expressed doubt about their legitimacy. Even some of the experts that CBS had used to review the memos raised some concerns, but Rather, Mapes and all of CBS ignored them. As good reporters, Mapes and Rather should have easily noticed the flaws in their “evidence” but they didn’t because they had already concluded that President Bush was “guilty” and so saw the memos only from that perspective.

In the recent movie, The Girl on the Train,*** the suspense of the entire movie is based on perceptions of the truth versus actual reality. Since many of you might not have seen it yet, I won’t give away any of the details, but here is a scene where  Rachel (the girl on the train) and Detective Riley of the police have different perspectives about the same event:

You’ll have to see the movie (or read the book) to learn whose perspective is the accurate one, but both characters look for evidence that their perspective is the right one. Watch The Girl on the Train and watch or re-watch The Truman Show from the perspective of perspectives, and you’ll see how the truth changes when the characters’ perspectives change.

Unfortunately our actions are often no different than these movie characters. We are so intent on finding the evidence to prove our assertions that we often miss things that are right in front of us. Psychologists call this inattentional or perceptional blindness. A famous psychology experiment consists of a video of some athletes standing in a circle passing a basketball. Participants watching the video are asked to count the number of times the basketball is passed between two of the athletes. As the video progresses, the task gets a harder when the athletes start switching places as they pass the basketball. After the video ends, the experimenter asks the participants how many passes they had counted. Then the experimenter asks what else they noticed in the video. Usually, the participants don’t notice anything else. What about the man in the gorilla suit who stands in the middle of the circle beating his chest? No one ever sees him. The experimenter plays back the video, and the participants are dumbfounded to now plainly see the gorilla they had missed before. When we take confirmation bias and add to it perceptional blindness, suddenly our perceptions of truth can lead us very far from reality.

So the next time you are talking to a family member, friend, neighbor or work associate about religion, politics or any other subject, and you think you are speaking THE TRUTH, remember the other person most-likely feels the same way about their side. Because everyone is different, with different backgrounds and experiences, our perceptions of truth are different. If you want to change someone’s truth, you must change that person’s perceptions. And that starts with understanding where the other person is coming from. But before you go about changing the world by changing others’ perceptions, keep in mind one of my favorite sayings, “Beware of half-truths, for you might have the wrong half.”

                                                           

*The Truman Show

• Production: Paramount Pictures, Scott Rudin Productions
• Directed: Peter Weir
• Screenplay: Andrew Niccol
• Starring: Jim Carrey, Ed Harris and Laura Linney
• Release Date: October 9, 1998

**Truth

• Production: Sony Pictures Classics, Echo Lake Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment
• Directed: James Vanderbilt
• Screenplay: James Vanderbilt (based on the book by Mary Mapes)
• Starring: Cate Blanchett, Robert Redford, and Dennis Quaid
• Release Date: October 30, 2015

***The Girl on the Train

• Production: Amblin Entertainment; DeamWorks SKG; and Marc Platt Productions
• Directed: Tate Taylor
• Screenplay: Erin Cressida Wilson (based on the book by Paula Hawkins)
• Starring: Emily Blunt, Haley Bennett, and Rebecca Ferguson
• Release Date: October 7, 2016

Other resources:

• Achor, The Happiness Advantage, Crown Business (Random House), 2010
• McCardle, The Up Side of Down: Why Failing Well is the Key to Success, Viking Penguin, 2014
• Covey, The Divine Center, Bookcraft, 1982
• Banyai, Zoom, Viking, 1995

My father-in-law, Don Harris, had many sayings about life. One of his favorites was, “Trials and tribulations are mandatory; misery is optional.” He also liked to say, “Reality is for real.” Everyone’s life is filled with problems, some large, some small. As Forrest Gump would say, “It happens,” even when we don’t deserve it. And sometimes we turn small problems into large ones all by ourselves. It’s not avoiding trials that make us stronger; it’s what we do with the trials we face. As Henry Ward Beecher once said, “A cobweb is as good as the mightiest cable when there is no strain upon it.” So appreciate your problems. They are mandatory in this life. But misery is not. As the old sayings go, instead of crying over spilt milk, adopt the philosophy that a smile is a curve that will straighten out almost anything. Victor Frankl said it this way, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.” Nietzche boiled it down to this: “He who has a WHY to live can bear almost any HOW.”

But effectively facing our challenges is not always easy to do. When it comes to dealing with the potholes of life’s highway, here are some great lessons I have learned from watching movies.

1. Life is hard but we can do hard things. The movie, Unbroken,* tells the true story of Louis Zamperini, who survives 47 days in a raft after his plane is shot down during World War II, only to be caught by the Japanese navy and sent to a prisoner-of-war camp, where he faces atrocity after atrocity inflicted by a sadistic Japanese officer. In this scene, Zamperini is first beaten by the Japanese officer, who then forces each of the other POWs to punch Zamperini in the face.

 

Like Zamperini, each of us has an amazing capacity to do hard things when we have to. If you think back over your own life, you’ll probably remember a time or two when, at the time, you were sure you couldn’t take any more, but somehow you did.

 

2. Don’t say, “Why me? Say, “Why not me? Soul Surfer** is the true story of 13 year-old Bethany Hamilton, a champion surfer who is attacked by a shark and loses her left arm. She must re-learn everything using only one arm. In this scene, she wonders why her life had to change so radically. “Why me?” is a question we often ask when things go wrong:

 

 

When bad things happen to me or my family, I try to find someone else who is struggling with something much harder than what I’m facing. And that someone is usually pretty easy to find. Looking at others has at least two important effects. First, it helps me be grateful that my challenge is not worse than it is. I realize I can handle my own challenge much easier than I can handle someone else’s. So instead of asking why is this happening to me, I tell myself, well, why not me; this is a challenge I can deal with. Second, and perhaps more important, seeing others with challenges helps me focus on helping them rather than feeling sorry for myself.

 

3. Use adversity as a chance to reassess and start over. Facing challenges usually brings along with it some kind of change – a change in a relationship, a new physical or mental challenge, or perhaps the loss of a job. Up in the Air*** is a movie about a group of consultants who are hired to do the dirty work of downsizing corporations – firing employees. In this scene, Ryan Bingham (played by George Clooney) gives us some great advice about how to turn a job loss into something positive (sorry about the language):

 

 

4. Focus on the big picture. In the original Karate Kid,**** Daniel, to protect himself from the local bullies, begins to learn karate from his teacher, Mr. Miyagi. But rather than practice karate, Mr. Miyagi makes Daniel do chores around his house. He first must wash and wax all of Mr. Miyagi’s classic cars. Then he must sand his floors, stain the fence and paint his house. In frustration, Daniel complains to Mr. Miyagi, who then shows Daniel what has really been happening in this classic scene from the movie:

 

 

Like Daniel, we often see only the trial, task or problem right in front of us. It’s like a huge boulder is placed right in front of our eyes that we can’t see around. But by somehow finding the broader perspective, we realize we are gaining strength and learning skills that will help us later in life. Daniel finally realizes the tasks Mr. Miyagi has him do are not just work, but by doing them, he is learning all the major defensive moves of karate. In Soul Surfer, Bethany relies on guts and God to learn to surf again, and even competes in the national surfing championships. But more importantly, over time, she gains perspective. She realizes she can help others who are facing their own great challenges, concluding, “Surfing isn’t the most important thing in life. Love is. I’ve had the chance to embrace more people with one arm than I ever could with two.” So look for the big picture, but remember TTT (things take time). It may be years or even an entire lifetime before we develop the proper perspective about our experiences.

 

5. Don’t try to go it alone. Louis Zamperini had his fellow POWs. Bethany had her family and God. Daniel had Mr. Miyagi. Each had someone to help them through their challenges. Burdens are lighter when there is someone sharing them. In Me Before You,***** Lou Clarke is hired by the family of Will Traynor, who, after a tragic accident, is a quadriplegic and has lost his will to live. Although she starts out as just an employee of Will’s family, her effervescent personally turns Lou’s and Will’s relationship from simple caregiver, to friends, to love, to the point where Will almost feels normal again. Will sums up their relationship by saying, “You are pretty much the only thing that makes me wanna get up in the morning.” Here is one of my favorite scenes:

 

The miserable, like misery, loves company. When life is getting us down, let’s find a teacher, a friend, a lover, and even God to share the burden. Better yet, let’s be that teacher, friend or lover who is willing to help bear others’ burdens. And remember my father-in-law’s motto for life: Smile always, except when laughing.

                                                           

*Unbroken

Production: 3 Arts Entertainment, Jolie Pas, and legendary Entertainment

Directed: Angelina Jolie

Screenplay: Joel Cohen and Ethan Coen

Starring: Jack O’Connell, Miyavi, and Domhnall Gleeson

Release Date: December 25, 2014

 

**Soul Surfer

Production: Enticing Entertainment, Island Film Group and Brookwell-McNamara    Entertainment

Directed: Sean McNamara

Screenplay: Sean McNamara and Deborah Schwartz

Starring: AnnaSophia Roob, Dennis Quaid and Helen Hunt

Release Date: April 8, 2011

 

***Up in the Air

Production: Paramount Pictures, Cold Spring Pictures and DreamWorks Pictures

Directed: Jason Reitmann

Screenplay: Jason Reitmann (based on the novel by Walter Kirn)

Starring: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick

Release Date: December 23, 2009

 

***Karate Kid

Production: Columbia Pictures Corporation, Jerry Weintraub Productions and Delphi Films

Directed: John g. Avildsen

Screenplay: Robert Mark Kamen

Starring: Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita and Elizabeth Shue

Release Date: June 22, 1984

 

*****Me Before You

Production: MGM, New Line Cinema, Sunswept Entertainment

Directed: Thea Sharrock

Screenplay: Jojo Moyes

Starring: Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin

Release Date:  June 3, 2016

I have been blessed to have had many great formal educational experiences in my life. I am grateful for many school teachers who loaded my brain with knowledge. More importantly, I give thanks for those teachers who taught me how to think and to challenge conventional wisdom. And although I will always be indebted to great school teachers, the older I get, the more I especially appreciate one the greatest teachers of all – experience. Experience is the only thing most people get out of life. Unlike book learning, we almost always remember the lessons we learn from experience, especially when things do not go as planned. Said another way, we tend to learn a lot more from our failures than from our successes.

One of my many concerns about our current world is our paranoia over allowing those we love to fail. We give our kids trophies for merely participating in youth sports because we are too afraid they can’t handle not winning. We have become a nation of helicopter parents, as we hover over our children, not allowing them to experience the consequences of their decisions – if we let them make a decision at all. Megan McCardle, in her book, The Upside of Falling Down,* describes it this way:

This new generation was brought up to believe that there should be no winners and no losers, no scrubs or MVPs. Everyone, no matter how ineptly they perform, gets a trophy.

McCardle points out some of the ramifications of this. One survey found that more than 45 percent of college freshmen had graduated high school with an A average. One high school had over 30 valedictorians because no one wanted to make a distinction among the kids. In poor schools, kids who can’t read are passed through to the next grade because it’s too much trouble – and an embarrassment for the teacher – to hold them back. But unfortunately, the world is different. There are winners and losers. The winners excel by setting themselves apart from the rest. The losers also set themselves apart for the rest, but the result is often the loss of a job, or worse, a loss of self-respect.

            As an old geezer, I realize we learn best through trial and error, especially when we fail, or at least when we get honest, accurate feedback. The movie, Ray,** tells the life story of Ray Charles, who started to lose his sight at age four as the result of glaucoma. He was totally blind by the age of seven. Under those circumstances, it would have been understandable for Ray’s mother, Aretha, to become a helicopter mom to Ray, hovering over him and helping him with (or actually doing for him) anything and everything he needed. But instead, as dramatized in this scene, Aretha let Ray fend for himself – and that made all the difference.

Currently, my favorite all-time movie is Slumdog Millionaire.*** There are many lessons I have learned from watching that movie (I will discuss some of those other lessons in later posts). But one great lesson from the movie is experience is the best teacher. Slumdog Millionaire is the story of Jamal Malik, an 18 year-old orphan from the slums of India, who plays India’s version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” Jamal, who has no formal education, is able to answer the game show questions by remembering certain experiences of his young life. In this clip, Jamal answers the second question by remembering how he became an orphan.

Let’s not be afraid to try and to fail, for every time you try and don’t succeed, you become an expert on at least one thing not to do.  As Aldous Huxley said it, “Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.” So try, fall down,  and get back up. Repeat as necessary.

                                                                       

*Megan McCardle, The Up Side of Falling Down: Why Failing Well is the Key to Success, Viking, 2014.

**Ray

Production: Universal Pictures, Bristol Bay Productions, and Anvil Films

Directed: Taylor Hackfield

Screenplay: Taylor Hackfield, James L. White

Starring: Jamie Foxx, Regina King, and Kerry Washington

Release Date: October 29, 2004

***Slumdog Millionaire

Production: Warner Bros., Celador Films, and Film4

Directed: Danny Boyle and Loveleen Tandan

Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy (based on the novel by Vikas Swarup)

Starring: Dev Patel, Frieda Pinto, and Saurabh Shukla

Release Date: December 25, 2008

Throughout our entire lives we seem to be looking forward to the next milestone. When we are children, we can’t wait until we can drive a car. When we are in school, we look forward to graduation, finding a career, getting married and then starting a family. Soon we long for the day when all our kids are potty-trained, then old enough to babysit themselves, and finally when they all have left the nest. We then look forward to grandchildren. With all of those events in my own rearview mirror, I now can’t wait until retirement and my next phase of life. It is important to our happiness to have something to look forward to – and strive for – but sometimes we are so focused on the next milestone that we forget to slow down and just enjoy where we are for a while. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We are always getting ready to live, but never living.”

A timeless movie for high school students of every generation is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off*, in which high school student Ferris decides it’s time (again) to take a day off from school despite what his parents, teachers or especially his school principal might think about that. Looking back to my high school days, I now wish I had had the guts to skip a day of school, although I admit I never wanted my kids to do the same; I didn’t want them to be irresponsible. But maybe it’s irresponsible for us not to occasionally take a day off school, work or whatever else is stressing us out and just enjoy ourselves for a day.  Here’s Ferris’ philosophy, and it’s a good one, at least this part: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Life really does move fast. We have endless lists of things to do, for ourselves and for our kids. We are bombarded by social media on every side. And if we aren’t actually accomplishing goal after goal after goal, we are often looked upon by others as failures. All lives of every generation have stress, but I find it hard to believe that prior generations experienced the stressful lives we face today. And it will only get worse in the future as continued advances in technology make life that much  faster.

How can we stop (or at least slow down) and look around once in a while so we don’t miss life? The Great Outdoors** came out just a couple of years after Ferris. In my favorite scene, Chet Ripley (John Candy) has brought his family to a lakeside resort for a vacation. His brother-in-law, Roman Craig (Dan Aykroyd), drops in unexpectedly. While sitting on the porch of the cabin, Ripley and Craig have this great conversation:

Too often we are like Roman Craig. We see something only as what it could (or should?) someday become rather than just seeing something just for what it is – in this case trees. How do we slow life down and notice the little things that make life more worthwhile? Here are some simple suggestions:

1. Eat dinner together with the family around the table instead of in front of the TV.
2. Remember important dates like birthdays, anniversaries and graduations.
3. Unplug from the world of social media for at least an hour or two a day.
4. Learn to mediate.
5. Listen to water at the beach, a river, or the waterfall in your own swimming pool.
6. Focus on the sound and feel of a simple daily routine like brushing your teeth.
7. Change up your daily routine like taking a different way home from work.
8. Take a road trip without any itinerary and just see where you end up.
9. Do random acts of kindness.
10. Keep a gratitude journal.

Speaking of gratitude, here is the fun Thanksgiving dinner scene from Funny People*** that reminds us to both be grateful and enjoy the moment.

There is no time like the present, for these are the good old days the next generation will hear so much about. So let’s enjoy them – now!

                                               

*Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Production: Paramount Pictures

Director: John Hughes

Screenplay: John Hughes

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck and Mia Sara

Release Date: June 11, 1986

**The Great Outdoors

Production:Hughes Entertainment and Universal Pictures

Directed: Howard Deutch

Screenplay: John Hughes

Starring: John Candy, Dan Aykroyd and Stephanie Faracy

Release Date: June 17, 1988

***Funny People

Production: Universal Studios and Columbia Pictures

Directed: Judd Apatow

Screenplay: Judd Apatow

Starring: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Leslie Mann

Release date: July 31, 2009