Someone once said, a man shouldn’t be judged by the company he keeps, especially if they are his in-laws.  In my case, I hope I am judged by my in-laws, as there is no greater company I could keep. This past month my wife was in charge of her family’s reunion. Her family has one every three years, and since both her parents have died, the responsibility for the reunion now falls to my wife and each of her five siblings on a rotating basis. We started with the oldest sibling. Since my wife is the fifth child, four others preceded hers. All the reunions in the past have consisted of an afternoon or evening at a pavilion at a park or at a church where we’d meet, socialize, and eat for three to four hours. But since my immediate family is the only one that lives in Texas, we had to plan an event that would be worth the extended family traveling all the way to Texas in the middle of the summer heat. So we planned two days of “mandatory” activities, and suggested other activities for the days immediately before and after the actual reunion. And come they did. Out of a possible approximately 125 family members, about 100 come, with ages ranging from 75 years old to five months.

Our theme was “Putting the FUN in dysfunctional since 1942!” Our theme turned out to be only half true. We had loads of fun, but no dysfunction. Since movies about families generally emphasize quirks, dysfunction and drama, I don’t see many movies about our family coming to a theater near you. But that is a good thing.

In the days after the reunion, I have reflected on what makes a “together” family. No family is perfect, but functional families tend to have some traits in common. Perhaps first and foremost is respect for each other. Almost all traits of a functioning family grow out of respect for one another. One of my all-time favorite movies is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.[i] After the death of his father, Gilbert must care for his mentally challenged brother and his extremely overweight mother. The Grape family has every reason to be dysfunctional, but somehow they make it work, although like most families, not always smoothly. Gilbert demonstrates his respect for Arnie, his mentally challenged brother, by always having his back, even when it is not always convenient. Here is Gilbert’s promise to his younger brother:

Gilbert also has great respect and love for his mother, even though she is so overweight that she spends day and night on a couch in the living room, where the basement underneath her has to be reinforced to bear her weight. At one point, though, Gilbert becomes overwhelmed by all his responsibilities, and leaves home. But he comes back. Here is my favorite scene from the movie:

Toward the end of the movie (spoiler alert!), Gilbert’s mom decides to to walk upstairs to her bedroom for the first time in many years. But the strain on her body is too much and she dies in bed that night. The police come, and tell Gilbert that it would take many men, maybe even the whole National Guard, to get her out of the house. Gilbert and his siblings realize that her removal would draw a gawking crowd and, out of respect for their mother, they decide to protect her from becoming a spectacle, even in death. They empty the house except for their mother’s body, then Gilbert sets the house on fire, in effect cremating her.

Do we love and respect our family members even though they might look, act or have opinions different than our own? Functional families should be a place where individuality and differences of opinions are respected and encouraged. In a fun scene from The Break Up,[ii] Gary and Brooke’s families join them for an awkward dinner:

Although a silly scene, we can learn some great things about functional families from this scene. A great musical composition requires individual instruments or voices, but working in harmony, they make beautiful music together. Families should be the same way. Differences should be applauded, not ridiculed. A high school friend of mine, running for student body president, had the campaign slogan of “unity through individuality.” That should be the slogan of our families as well.

This scene also emphasizes the importance of the dinner table in families. A family that eats together stays together. Functional families have clear communications and open discussions. There is no better place for that to happen than around the dinner table. And it is (or at least should be) a safe place for family to discuss anything without fear of punishment or retribution. I just hope your family dinners go better than this one from This is 40:[iii]

But at least they had an open conversation!

In the final analysis, have we developed enough faith and trust within our families that we will take leaps into the unknown for each other, trusting there is a family member waiting to catch us? And are we loving enough that we will walk a high wire to rescue a family member in need? Perhaps this scene from Despicable Me[iv] says it all:

Although no family is perfect, may each of our families be good enough – good enough that each family member feels safe, loved, valued and appreciated, so that, as my in-laws would say, we can “weather together whatever.”

[i] What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures
• Director: Lasse Hallstrom
• Screenwriter: Peter Hedges
• Starring: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio and Julliette Lewis
• Release date: March 4, 1994

[ii] The Break Up

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Mosaic Media Group and Wild West Picture Show Productions
• Director: Peyton Reed
• Screenwriter: Jeremy Garelick and Jay Lavender
• Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston and Jon Favreau
• Release date: June 2, 2006

[iii]This is 40

• Production Company: Apatow Productions and Forty Productions
• Director: Judd Apatow
• Screenwriter: Judd Apatow
• Starring: Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann
• Release date: December 21, 2012

[iv] Despicable Me

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment
• Director: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud
• Screenwriter: Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Sergio Pablos
• Starring: Steve Carrel, Jason Segel and Russell Brand
• Release date: January 14, 2011

In 2007, I became Associate General Counsel of XTO Energy Inc. in Fort Worth, Texas. The long-range plan was for me to serve in that capacity until my boss retired, and then promote me to General Counsel in his place (assuming I didn’t screw things up before then). After two years, things remained on track as XTO promoted me to Vice President and Associate General Counsel. But in 2010, I hit a pothole in my road to the top legal position at XTO. ExxonMobil bought XTO (although it kept XTO as a separate subsidiary). My boss made it a couple of more years before he retired. He recommended me to replace him as XTO’s General Counsel, but it was not to be. An ExxonMobil lawyer was selected over me. Piling on, two years later ExxonMobil demoted me, taking away my Vice President and Associate General Counsel titles and almost all of my managerial responsibilities. In explaining to me why I was not selected as the new General Counsel of XTO, the then president of XTO (an ExxonMobil transplant) told me the company decided to go with someone who had greater “connectivity” with ExxonMobil.

Since that time, I have often thought about the meaning of “connectivity” and have come to the realization that humans cannot live without it (and apparently can’t get promoted without it either); we need to be connected to each other. I recently watched the movie Passengers,[i] about emigrants from earth traveling to a distant planet to start a new home. The spaceship travels through a meteor storm, causing a malfunction on the ship, which wakes up one of its passengers from his hibernation – about 90 years too soon. It will be another 90 years of space travel before the ship reaches its destination. He makes it for over a year by himself (and one robot) but it is hard for him to be surrounded by thousands of hibernating passengers, but no one to really connect with. One passenger in particular catches his eye. He then becomes obsessed with her. He figures out how he could wake her, too, and wrestles with whether to actually do it. He ultimately does, but keeps to himself the secret of why she woke up early, until one day, the robot lets it slip out:

How many of us would do the same, needing to connect to an human but knowing that by doing so, we would end that person’s life as he or she knows it? It is a dilemma I’m glad I don’t have to face.

In the movie Cast Away,[ii] Tom Hanks has a somewhat similar dilemma, but the best he can find is a volleyball (named Wilson, of course) to substitute for human companionship. Here is the scene where Wilson is created:

Here is a scene where Hanks argues with Wilson as if he were human:

Hanks even grieves for Wilson when he (it?) is lost at sea:

Although only a volleyball, Hanks’ need for connectivity with another human being results in Wilson almost becoming human, at least to Hanks. And the emotions he shares with Wilson are real – just as if Wilson were real.

Scientific studies have confirmed our need for connectivity. Early studies of primates and of children orphaned in World War II showed the physical and psychological stunting of growth in infants deprived of physical contact. Later research suggests that certain chemicals are released in our brains by the touch of another human. Other chemicals are released by the absence of physical contact. In one study, researchers found that premature infants who were massaged for 15 minutes three times a day gained weight 47 percent faster than others who were left alone in their incubators (the usual practice with premature babies at the time of the study) even though the massaged infants did not eat any more than the other infants. The researchers concluded that “their weight gain seems due to the effect of contact on their metabolism.”[iii] The massaged babies also developed their nervous systems more rapidly and become more responsive to stimuli. Touch works for all of us; recent research has shown that people who routinely hug are happier than those who do not.

In 1944, psychologist John Bowlby did a study on a group of juvenile delinquents. He noticed a high percentage of these boys had been abandoned when they were young and suffered from feelings of anger, humiliation and worthlessness. These boys withheld affection and developed other strategies to help them cope with their lack of connectivity to a parent. Bowlby concluded that children (as well as adults) need to feel love and have a safe place to go and connect with others. It is usually our family that provides that connectivity, but in today’s world of single parents and broken homes, it doesn’t have to be. Regardless of our circumstances, we are generally all right if we have a community, large or small, where we feel loved and accepted, as demonstrated by this clip from Freedom Writers:[iv]

Sadly, many of the groups we identify with, and which provide a community for us, are what I have heard called “community through outrage.” We are outraged at some injustice or breach of trust we see in the world and join other like-minded people with the intent of changing the injustice by tearing down the status quo, be it racial discrimination, equal pay for women, gun control, moms or dads against drunk drivers, child abuse and others. Please don’t misunderstand me. There are many great causes that need our support and many cases where the status quo is not working well, if at all. But how great would it be if we formed communities to build up rather than just to tear down?

I am grateful for family and friends who connect with me and accept me for who I am. I am even more grateful for those who help me be a better person. I have lived in three states and six different cities and have connected with some remarkable people along the way. I am saddened to realize I have lost connectivity with many of them. But true friends are those who, although you haven’t seen them for years, when you reconnect, it’s like you just saw them yesterday.

So let’s connect and reconnect and, where possible, do more than just be a Facebook friend or one of hundreds of links on Linked-In or other social media sites. Let’s email, text, call and, best of all, talk face to face. As we do, let’s build connections and larger communities based on respect for others, trust and love, building up the positive as well as tearing down the negative.

And don’t forget to give hugs along the way.

[i] Passengers

• Production: Columbia Pictures; LStar Capital; and Village Roadshow Pictures
• Directed by: Morten Tyldum
• Screenplay: Jon Spaihts
• Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt and Michael Sheen
• Release date: December 23, 2016

[ii] Cast Away

• Production: Twentieth Century Fox; DreamWorks and ImageMovers
• Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenplay: William Broyles, Jr.
• Starring: Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt
• Release date: December 22, 2000

[iii] Goleman, “The Experience of Touch: Research Points to a Critical Role,” The New York Times (February 2, 1988).

[iv] Freedom Writers

• Production: Paramount Pictures, Double Feature Films and MTV Films
• Directed by: Richard LeGravenese
• Screenplay: Richard LeGravenese
• Starring: Hillary Swank, Imelda Staunton and Patrick Dempsey
• Release date: January 5, 2007

My wife and I recently have been watching a TV series that was originally aired on the Hallmark Channel. We enjoy good, clean movies and shows as well as anyone, but both of us admitted that this series has been just a little too wholesome and perfect, even for us. At one point I remarked, “It’s good all the women in this are quite attractive so I’ll keep watching it.” Her reply? “The men aren’t so bad either.” Do we really let the beautiful people of the world influence us that much?

Admittedly, although my wife is one of the most beautiful people I know (in every sense of the word), I have done some window shopping from time to time. You know, you can look but don’t touch. Admit it. All of us, male or female, young or old, are attracted to those we consider to be beautiful. Some of us could even relate to Paul Blart, Mall Cop,[i] in this movie clip:

What makes a person attractive? Because of our historical roots, men and women subconsciously look for different things in the opposite sex. Men tend to focus on someone he can procreate with (i.e. have sex). While women also consider procreation important, they tend to focus more on companionship and support. A survey of over ten thousand people found the standards for beauty consistent around the world. Men look for clear skin, full lips, long lustrous hair, symmetrical features, a shorter distance between mouth and chin, a waist-to-hip ration of 0.7, and of course, a curvy body. Women’s breasts apparently exist in the form they do to arouse men’s attention. All other primates are flat-chested. Larger human breasts do not produce more milk than smaller ones. Men consistently rate women with attractive bodies and unattractive faces higher than women with attractive faces and unattractive bodies. Women, on the other hand, are sexually attracted to men with larger pupils, symmetrical features and those who are slightly older, taller and stronger than they are. Women are guarded and slower to trust than men. In one set of tests, an attractive woman was paid to go up to unknown college men and ask them to sleep with her. Seventy-five percent of men said yes in study after study. When the test was reversed, how many women agreed to sleep with an unknown but attractive man? Zero. Sadly, tests have shown that generally attractive people have significantly higher incomes. Height appears to be important, too, with one study showing that, in America today, each inch of height translates into $6,000 of annual salary. If that is true, the good news for me is, based on my average height, I am significantly overpaid.[ii]

Many of us think if we were just a tiny bit better looking, life would be so much different for us. We would get the better job, we would marry the more attractive spouse, we would have more friends. In short, life would be easier and we’d be happier. The result? Sometimes we become so obsessed with our skin, our hair, and our clothes that we become “plastic,” as illustrated by this scene from Mean Girls:[iii]

I have been enjoying a book lately called, What to Say When You Talk to Your Self.[iv] Its premise is, our success or failure in life is largely controlled by our behavior. Our behavior is determined by our feelings about the task at hand. Our feelings about the task are governed by whether we have a good attitude or bad attitude about it. Our attitude about something just doesn’t happen. What we believe about something will determine our attitude about it, whether that belief is true or false. And our beliefs are based on what we and others tell us about it. In short, if we can control what we tell ourselves about something or someone, we ultimately can control our behavior. Unfortunately, about 75 percent of what we tell ourselves is negative. Or as Marilyn Monroe once said, “No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t.” I would change that last part to, “even if they have to tell that to themselves.”

In short, our perceptions about ourselves become our reality. Since most of us have been talking negatively to ourselves about ourselves our entire lives, our reality is that we are not attractive enough, smart enough or capable enough to succeed. And we become our own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Someone once said, “The wonderful thing about beauty is that it has so many layers, the outer one being the least important.” Science is now confirming the truth of that statement. Studies out of the University of Wisconsin – Madison have shown that we see a person more attractive when we get to know that person’s other good qualities. In a paper published in Evolution and Human Behavior, co-author David Sloan Wilson concluded that the beauty we see in others “depends at least as much on non-physical traits – whether they are cooperative, dependable, brave, hardworking, intelligent and so on – as physical factors such as smooth skin and symmetrical features. It follows that non-physical factors should be included in the subconscious assessment of beauty.”

In their first study, the participants rated people photographed in high school yearbooks. One participant, for example, who recognized a photo but had had no contact with that particular person for decades, responded in disgust when she recalled the person’s character and described that person as ugly. In a second study, members of a college sports team and total strangers rated the attractiveness of each team member from photographs shown to them. The team members rated a person they considered to be a slacker as ugly, and a team leader as physically attractive, while strangers, not knowing the persons and so judging on photographs alone, rated these two team members as equally attractive. In their final study, students in a summer archeological excavation course rated each other on the first day of class and six weeks later. After the six weeks of working together, students’ perceptions of physical attractiveness changed based on their interactions during the course.

I love this scene from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs[v] that emphasizes the point that our real selves are more beautiful than our made-up selves.

The main focus of Mean Girls is the harm we can do through gossiping, but it teaches us a lot about beauty as well. There is something beautiful about everyone if we will only look for it. Or as someone once described it, “The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see beauty in others.” Enjoy Lindsay Lohan’s Spring Fling Speech after she wins queen of the dance:

Ironically, isn’t Lindsay Lohan a perfect example of the more we learn about a person, the more (or less) beautiful they become? In her early movies, I found her quite physically attractive. I mean who didn’t love her in the remake of The Parent Trap? But the more I learned about her personal life – the alcohol (and DUIs) and drugs (and repeated stays in rehab), the comments from movie insiders that she was irresponsible, unprofessional and difficult to work with, her bouts with the law – the less physically beautiful she became, at least to me. That said, I’m sure if I had the opportunity to really get to know her, I would find things about her that are truly beautiful. On the other hand, I found Emma Watson to be quite cute when she entered the movie scene in the Harry Potter movie franchise. But she has become more attractive to me through the years. I suspect that part of her increasing beauty was not just because she has matured physically, but she has matured as a person as well. I have been impressed by the non-Harry Potter roles she has played recently, with The Perks of Being a Wallflower being my favorite. I admired her for taking time off from movies to finish her college education at Oxford and Brown Universities. I nodded my approval when, for her role in Beauty and the Beast, she insisted that her character, Belle, be portrayed as a smart, independent woman. She is a humanitarian activist promoting gender equality, including being recently appointed as a United Nations’ Women Goodwill Ambassador. All that and she can sing, too!

I close with this quote from Audrey Hepburn. She calls it her greatest beauty tip: “For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.”

Let’s take the time to stop and discover how beautiful the people around us really are – including ourselves.

[i] Paul Blart, Mall Cop

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures, Relativity Media, Happy Madison Productions
• Director: Steve Carr
• Screenwriter: Kevin James, Nick Bakay
• Starring: Kevin James, Keir O’Donnell, and Jayma Mays
• Release date: July 17, 2015

[ii] The facts and studies described in this paragraph are summarized from “The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character and Achievement,” by David Brooks (Random House 2011).

[iii] Mean Girls

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures, M.G. Films, and Broadway Video
• Director: Mark Waters
• Screenwriter: Tina Fey (based on the book by Rosalind Wiseman)
• Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams and Jonathan Bennett
• Release date: April 30, 2004

[iv]“What to Say When You Talk to Yourself “ by Shad Helmstetter (2011)

[v] Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation
• Directors: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
• Screenwriter: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
• Starring: Anna Faris, Bill Hader, Bruce Campbell
• Release date: September 18, 2009

In the Book of Matthew in the Bible, Jesus Christ teaches that you should love your neighbor as yourself. Unfortunately, too often we forget the last part of that admonition, to love ourselves.

Those who know me well know that I have almost no ability to fix things. I am not particularly good with my hands, and whenever I try to play handyman, it generally results in disaster. That’s ironic considering, when I was very young, my father finished out our basement and did other similar projects around the house. By the time I was old enough to learn how to do some of those things, my father had traded in his handyman skills for a comfortable chair in front of the TV. But even though he didn’t help me to be a great handyman, I love my dad, and he taught me many other great lessons.

In seventh grade I took a required wood shop class. I was having trouble with my very first project. The teacher, seeing my frustration, took my project, and said, “Here, let me help you.” He then made a series of cuts on the band saw, nailed together the resulting pieces of wood and handed it back to me. He had essentially completed the project for me. I know he intended well, but by completing the project for me, he was silently telling me that I wasn’t very good at that sort of thing. And of course, I believed him.

On the other hand, I was raised in a religion where everyone had to participate in meetings, and at a very young age, I had to write short talks and give them, first, to other children, and then to the entire congregation. My mother believed that, even as a child, I should write my own talks. I remember many times sitting next to her as she sat at her typewriter while I dictated to her the talk I was asked to give. I still remember her repeatedly telling me that I “had a way with words,” that I could say things concisely and better than she ever could. You know what? I believed her too. And from a very young age I have always felt that writing was a talent that I had – although I have worked hard to improve that talent through the years. That ability has served me well and is the number one reason I became a transactional lawyer.

I am relating these stories to emphasize the point that our self-images have a great deal to do with who we are, and that our self-images are largely based on what other people tell us about ourselves. Well-meaning parents, siblings, friends, teachers, coaches and others have in some cases helped us achieve greatness, but some of these same people also have contributed to our failures. And sadly, there are probably more examples of failures than successes. And sadder still, sometimes those people have not been so well-intended. That’s why teasing and other forms of bullying can be so destructive – because we actually believe the teasers and the bulliers, whether or not there is any factual basis for their comments.

I like this clip from Unbroken,[i] where an older brother helps a young Louis Zamperini gain some self-confidence in his running abilities:

It took Zamperini a lot more than an encouraging word from his older brother for him to be able to compete in the Olympics; it took hard work and training day after day. But that dose of encouragement from his brother, that instilled self-confidence in Louis, is where it began.

Unfortunately, the opposite is true. I love this scene from The Perks of Being a Wallflower[ii]:

I love the line, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” How true that is. If we think we are unworthy or no good, we act accordingly – in the friends we choose, in the jobs we take, in the people we love, and so forth.

Forrest Gump [iii] is one of the best movies illustrating how our perceptions of ourselves can shape our reality. Forrest is not “smart” enough to realize his own limitations, even when others point them out. But he does believe his mother, who always taught him, “stupid is as stupid does.” With a never-ending self-confidence born from the teachings of his mother, Forrest becomes a football star, a war hero, a ping pong champion, a successful businessman, and a wise sage from whom many others seek advice. Perhaps his most helpful advice of all is, in life, “[sh]it happens.” And it does. But according to Forrest, bad things that happen to us should not affect who we are. Here is just one scene from the movie where Forrest helps Lieutenant Dan realize that even though his legs have been blown off, he still has worth:

Like Lieutenant Dan, each of us has a destiny. We just need to be sure we don’t let others and our own self-doubts prevent us from reaching that destiny. When Jenny asks him, “Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you’re gonna be?” Forrest responds, “Aren’t I going to be me?”

In future blogs I will discuss what movies can teach us about improving our self-image. In the meantime, let’s remember these words: Of all the opinions which people entertain, the best one is the one that they have of themselves.

Here’s hoping that each of us can be our best selves, regardless of what others (and sometimes ourselves) say about us.

[i] Unbroken

• Production Company: 3 Arts Entertainment; Jolie Pas, and Legendary Entertainment
• Director: Angelina Jolie
• Screenwriters: Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Jack O’Connell, Miyavi, and Domhnall Gleeson
• Release date: December 25, 2014

[ii] The Perks of Being a Wallflower

• Production Company: Summit Entertainment and Mr. Mudd
• Director: Stephen Chbosky
• Screenwriter: Stephen Chbosky
• Starring: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson and Ezra Miller
• Release date: September 21, 2012

[iii] Forrest Gump

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures
• Director: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenwriter: Eric Roth (based on the book by Winston Groom)
• Starring: Tom Hanks, Robin Wright and Gary Sinise
• Release date: November 11, 1994

A good friend in high school, whenever anything went wrong, would say, “Well, it’s a dog-eat-dog world.” Sadly, those words have a lot of truth in them. I suppose we should blame Darwin for pointing out that our basic natures include a survival of the fittest mentality. I played a lot of sports growing up and was as competitive as anyone. I can still remember the high I would feel when my competitive nature helped me lock in and focus on an opposing team.

Those early days of athletic competition were a good training ground for the rest of my life. The adult world is one big battleground. Countries compete to be world powers (sometimes for world domination). Businesses compete for market share. Individuals compete against each other for the biggest raise or best position, for the nicest things, and even for the cutest spouse – especially the cutest spouse (by the way, I won that last competition). My own family loves to play games and we can be so competitive when we do that are friend, who participated with us once, remarked that my family’s competitive nature was “just plain scary.”

As this clip from the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer,[i] shows, it’s to the point that, in every aspect of our lives, we are told we have to hate our opponent if we expect to succeed:

Competition has reached the level of the absurd in some cases. I participate in the social media site, Linked In, and I am often surprised at the amount of requests I get from people I have never heard of. Some people apparently reach out to anyone and everyone, trying to connect with as many people as possible, even bragging about how many connections they have. But from my experience, it’s not the number of ties we have with others, it’s the strength of those ties, that really matters. Isn’t nice to have a close friend or two beside us each day as we face the dog-eat-dog world?

What makes a good friend, one that lasts separation and the passing of time? Dr. Alex Lickerman, writing in Psychology Today (February 2010), lists four elements of what draws us together as friends (with all of these needing to be present for a lasting friendship):

Common Interests – When our interests diverge and we can find nothing to enjoy jointly, time spent together tends to rapidly diminish. Not that we can’t still care deeply about friends with whom we no longer share common interests, but it’s probably uncommon for such friendships to interact on a regular basis.

History or Common Experiences – Nothing ties people together, even people with little in common, than having gone through the same difficult experience. We see it all the time in team sports, where off the field or court, we never spend time together, but are best friends on the field of battle.

Common Values – Although values alone are often not enough to create a friendship, if values are too divergent, it’s difficult for a friendship to thrive.

Equality – If one friend needs the support of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, though the relationship may be significant and valuable, it can’t be said to define true friendship.

The opposite is also true. If one member of the friendship is always trying to one-up the other, it won’t be a friendship for long. Enjoy this clip from Bridesmaids,[ii] but especially notice these friends trying to best the other, making the situation all about each off them rather than the bride they should be honoring:

John Green, the writer of the book upon which The Fault in Our Stars[iii] is based, said it well when talking about our basic natures to outdo even our good friends:

“Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. [We all] want to leave a mark. [But] the marks humans leave are too often scars.”

Why do we always hurt others, even those we love? When it comes to what friends should be for each other, I love this analogy of the coastal redwoods of northern California. Even though these majestic trees grow to heights of 300 feet and can weigh more than a million pounds, they have a very shallow root system. Their roots go down only three to six feet but spread out several hundred feet. As their roots extend out, they intertwine with other redwoods. This intertwining creates a webbing effect and is the secret of their strength. Without being connected with others, these redwoods would not survive.

Like redwoods, as friends, we need to learn to love and support each other, not compete with each other. Or as said in the closing scene of Seabiscuit,[iv] good friends “fix” each other:

Admittedly, competition can bring out the best in us. But I think there is a difference between competing with someone and competing against someone. Let’s do our best in life, but let’s celebrate the success of others, knowing that their success is often partly due to us, and the positive effect we can have on them.

The only thing I like as much as movies is musical theater. One Broadway play I enjoy is Wicked, not because of the story (which I find little cheesy), but because of the great music. And my favorite song is “For Good” near the end of the play.  Glinda and Elphaba are parting after some crazy experiences together, and they say some things about friendship that are spot on:

• I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
• Bringing something we must learn,
• And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
• If we let them.
• And we help them in return.
• Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true,
• But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.
• Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun,
• Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood,
• Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
• But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
• It may well be that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
• So let me say before we part,
• So much of me is made of what I learned from you.
• You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
• And now whatever way our stories end,
• I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.
• Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea,
• Like a seed dropped by a sky-bird in a distant wood,
• Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
• But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Here’s a dozen movies (in chronological order) I recommend about or exemplifying friendship. Find a friend and watch them together, and say thanks to your friend for being a friend – and don’t forget to be a good friend in return.

• Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
• Stand By Me (1986)
• My Girl (1991)
• Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)
• The Sandlot (1993)
• Forrest Gump (1994)
• Shawshank Redemption (1994)
• Clueless (1995)
• Toy Story (1995)
• Good Will Hunting (1997)
• Bend It Like Beckham (2002)
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

Near the end of the Netflix original series, 13 Reasons Why,[v] Clay Jensen says it best: “I cost a girl her life because I was afraid to love her…. It has to get better. The way we treat each other and look out for each other. It has to get better somehow.”

As we navigate through the dog-eat-dog world, may we be part of the solution, not the problem.

[i] Searching for Bobby Fischer

• Production Company: Mirage Enterprises
• Director: Steven Zaillian
• Screenwriter: Steven Zaillian (based on the book by Fred Waitzkin)
• Starring: Joe Mantegna, Ben Kingsley and Max Pomeranc
• Release date: August 11, 1993

[ii] Bridesmaids

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Relativity Media, and Apatow Productions
• Director: Paul Feig
• Screenwriter: Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo
• Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne
• Release date: May 13, 2011

[iii] The Fault in Our Stars

• Production Company: Fox 2000 Pictures, Temple Entertainment, and TSG Entertainment
• Director: Josh Boone
• Screenwriter: Scott Neustadler and Michael H. Weber (based on the book by John Green)
• Starring: Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort and Nat Wolf
• Release date: June 6, 2014

[iv] Seabiscuit

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Dreamworks, Spyglass Entertainment
• Director: Gary Ross
• Screenwriter: Gary Ross (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Tobey Maguire, Jeff Bridges, and Elizabeth Banks
• Release date: July 25, 2003

[v] 13 Reasons Why

• Production Company: Kicked Off the Curb Productions, Anonymous Content and July Moon Productions
• Creator: Brian Yorkey (based on the book by Jay Asher)
• Starring: Dylan Minnette and Katherine Langford
• Release date: March 31, 2017

I have been thinking a lot about suicide lately – not thoughts of ending my own life, but why any young person, with so much of life ahead of them, would ever get to the point where they would choose death over life. (Older people – who actually have the highest rates of suicide – are a different matter. I think at some point, everyone has the right to die – but that’s a topic for another blog.)

In America, someone attempts suicide once every minute, and someone is successful in that attempt once every 17 minutes. Worldwide, about 2,000 people kill themselves every day. Actually, the rates are probably much higher than that, as many deaths are categorized as accidental deaths, but in reality, are probably suicides (only about a third of known suicide victims leave a note). Even with understated statistics, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, and outnumbers deaths by homicide. For every two people killed by homicide, three people die from suicide. Surprisingly, the spring months of March, April and May have the highest suicide rates, consistently four to six percent higher than the rest of the year (suicides around Christmas time are actually below average). And not so surprisingly, more suicides occur on Monday than any other day of the week; Saturday has the fewest.

I recently watched The Edge of Seventeen.[i] The opening scene deals with suicide in a somewhat comical way:

But suicide is no laughing matter. It is a complex issue, usually with more than a single reason behind it. I am not a mental health specialist but I think it is safe to say that those who attempt to kill themselves usually feel hopeless, abandoned, ostracized, laughed at, or otherwise like an outsider. Statistics bear this out. Divorced people are three times more likely to take their own life than people who are married. Abuse victims are more likely to try suicide than their peers. LBGT high school students attempt suicide more often than heterosexual teens.

Although it has been almost 40 years since I watched the movie, The Deer Hunter,[ii] I still remember vividly this scene of Russian roulette:

Did you catch Robert DeNiro’s urgings to Christopher Walken? “I love you. Come home, Mickey, just come home. Home. Talk to me.” But for Walken’s character, it was too late. The horrors of war had irreversibly changed him. Is it too simplistic or naive to believe that suicides could be prevented if everyone had someone who truly loves them, and a safe place where they can just be themselves without judgment or repercussions?

One of the saddest stories I have ever read involved a young gay man struggling to be accepted for who he really was. In 2000, Stuart Matis walked up the steps of a Mormon church building in Los Altos, California, with a note reading “do not resuscitate” pinned to his shirt, and shot himself. After a lifetime spent struggling to reconcile his church’s beliefs and being gay, he explained in his suicide note that “for the first time in over 20 years, I am free from my pains. As I believed that I was a Christian, I believed that I could never be gay. Perhaps my death … might be some catalyst for much good…. Your actions might help to save many young people’s lives.”

The same night Matis was writing his suicide note, his mother was up writing a letter to church authorities asking them to change the Church’s position on gays.

Before his suicide, Matis thought about leaving the Church. He approached his church leader and told him he was gay and had thoughts about killing himself. The church leader, who counseled Matis for several months, pleaded with him, if this is a choice between life and the church, choose life.

Sadly, Matis’s best friend, also gay, took his own life two months later.

Like Matis, people who consider taking their own lives really don’t want to die, they just want to stop hurting and they can’t see any other alternative. A suicidal person will give some kind of clue about how they feel before they take action. Often it is in some form of joke or flippant comment, but take those jokes and comments seriously. They are really a cry for help. You don’t make someone suicidal by showing you care. Discussing the subject openly is one of the best things you can do for them. And as you talk with a friend or loved one who is contemplating hurting themselves, just be yourself and non-judgmental. Let them know their life is important to you. And give hugs. In fact, give hugs whether or not a friend or loved one is contemplating suicide. Not surprisingly, studies show that people who hug are happier than those that don’t.

Most of us at one time or another feel like Nadine does in this scene near the end of The Edge of Seventeen. We don’t like what we see when we look at ourselves and don’t know how to change it.

Please know your life is important to someone. If the choice is life versus the alternative, please choose life.

Other times, we feel like Damien. Someone confides in us their innermost feelings and we don’t know what to say. Often in those times, all that is needed is that hug. So if you’re feeling blue, talk to someone about it. If someone feeling depressed or alone confides in you, just listen.

And don’t forget that hug.

[i] The Edge of Seventeen

• Production Company: Gracie Films and STX Entertainment
• Director: Kelly Fremon Craig
• Screenwriter: Kelly Fremon Craig
• Starring: Hailee Steinfeld, Haley Lu Richardson, Blake Jenner
• Release date: November 18, 2016

[ii] The Deer Hunter

• Production Company: EMI Films and Universal Pictures
• Director: Michael Cimino
• Screenwriter: Michael Cimino and Deric Washburn
• Starring: Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken and John Cazele
• Release date: February 23, 1979

Every movie lover knows the famous line from A Few Good Men,[i] “You can’t handle the truth!” But few of us focus much on the statements of Colonel Nathan Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson, following that line:

So why do we even have governments? According to Thomas Jefferson, as set forth in the Declaration of Independence, governments are instituted to preserve our rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But practically speaking, what does that really mean? What is the appropriate balance between government providing us security and each of us exercising our individual freedoms? We want freedom, but are we willing to put our lives on the line to fight for it? Watch this scene in the movie, Trumbo,[ii] as Dalton Trumbo takes on John Wayne. After you peel away the sound bites, which of the two did more to protect freedom during World War II? But wait! Trumbo might have been a Communist!

I readily admit I don’t have many good answers. On the one hand, I am moved to anger, and sometimes even tears, when I hear about the loss of individual rights and abuses of power. Movies about slavery are almost always gut-wrenching to me. I cheer when I watch a movie about an independent press, exercising its first amendment rights, who investigates and exposes abuses of power by government, the military, a church or a corporation. I love legal dramas where justice and the rule of law prevail over a corrupt police officer or prosecutor. But on the other hand, outside of the movie theater, I love it when police and prosecutors put away true criminals and otherwise keep our homes, neighborhoods, and cities safe. I sleep well at night knowing we have a military and government that are vigilant in fighting terrorists, both at home and abroad. I love my freedom, but I love my security just as much. I want my government to protect my freedom, but how willing am I, really, to fight for it? No one was happier than I was when, during the Vietnam War, my lottery number was 315, guaranteeing that I would never be drafted. I’m older and hopefully wiser now and realize that war, more often than not, does more to destroy freedom than protect it. But when was the last time I participated in a peaceful protest march, wrote a letter to a newspaper editor, visited one of my elected officials or took any real action against some abuse of power? Do I have the guts to be a whistle blower? I might grumble to my family and friends, but do I do anything of real consequence to help preserve our rights?

I recently watch the movie. Snowden,[iii] the depiction of the real life Edward Snowden who exposed the U.S. government’s practice of surveillance of millions of American citizen’s private lives under the guise of the Patriot Act and the government’s war on terrorism. Here is a glimpse of what the government was doing:

And it wasn’t just surveying emails, phone records and chat rooms. The government was looking into our private lives without any of us knowing about it, including our bedrooms, where everyone has an expectation of privacy:

Edward Snowden inherently knew this invasion of privacy of people who had no connection to terrorism or were not a threat to anyone was not right and did something about it, even though he knew, by exposing the practice, he would be violating the law. But Snowden concluded, “I can’t in good conscience allow the U.S. government to destroy privacy, internet freedom and basic liberties for people around the world with this massive surveillance machine they’re secretly building.” Watch the final scene from the movie (with the real Edward Snowden) and don’t stop when the credits begin to role. Branded as a traitor, Snowden now lives in Russia to avoid incarceration for his disclosures of classified government information. Yet it was Snowden’s actions that led to the courts declaring that the government’s practices were illegal and a change in policy and practice by the Obama administration.

These post-disclosure actions by the government would seem to vindicate Snowden. Yet he remains in Russia.

I am law-abiding citizen. Most of us are. But there are still things we can do to preserve our freedom and prevent abuses of power from government and others, regardless of age, race, or political affiliation. As Bob Dylan said, “A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.” So let’s all be heroes. Here are a few of my ideas. I would love others to share theirs as well.

• Learn (or relearn) what the American system of government is all about. Read the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Federalist Papers, significant Supreme Court cases, and similar documents or histories.
• Get your news from several different sources with various agendas, biases and approaches. The same events can be reported significantly differently.
• Be willing to speak your mind, no matter how unpopular your position might be, but allow others to do the same. When others speak, listen. Find the valid points in both your position and theirs.
• Stand up for others whose freedom might be in jeopardy. For there, but for the grace of God, go all of us.
• Write letters to editors and politicians, or better yet, get directly involved in causes that are important to you.
• Remember that our elected officials are not perfect, but they still must be held accountable for their results (or lack thereof). Personally, I prefer a politician who has learned the art of effective compromise (which our Constitution is the result of) than one who draws lines in the sand and rejects anything that even approaches crossing that line.
• Ask questions and challenge those in authority when government does something that doesn’t feel right. Your impressions generally are right.
• Vote knowledgeably – in every election.

Dwight D. Eisenhower said it this way: “If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking … is freedom.” Let’s find that balance between security and freedom. I close with these words from Edward Snowden: “I still love my country. And I still consider myself working for it. To serve your country, sometimes you have to disagree with the government. And that is not traitorous. That, I would say, is patriotic.”

I tip my cap to patriots everywhere.

[i] A Few Good Men

• Production Company: Sony Movie Channel
• Director: Rob Reiner
• Screenwriter: Aaron Sorkin
• Starring: Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore, and Kevin Bacon
• Release date: December 11, 1992

[ii] Trumbo

• Production Company: Bleecker Street Films, ShivHans Pictures and Groundswell Productions
• Director: Jay Roach
• Screenwriter: John McNamara and Bruce Cook (book)
• Starring: Bryan Cranston, Diane Lane and Helen Mirren
• Release date: November 27, 2015

[iii] Snowden

• Production Company: KrautPack Entertainment and Endgame Entertainment
• Director: Oliver Stone
• Screenwriter: Kieran Fitzgerald and Oliver Stone
• Starring: Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, Shailene Woodley, and Melissa Leo
• Release date: September 16, 2016

This is a great time of year if you are a basketball fan. High school state championships have just been played. At the college level, March Madness is beginning. The NBA playoffs are right around the corner. Even if you don’t have a favorite team competing in March Madness, the tournament is so much fun because there’s always a major upset or two, or three, four or more. We love to see the Goliaths of the sports world toppled by the little Davids.

But what I love most about March Madness is watching a team that plays, well, as a team. Too often the tournament is dominated by a handful of superstar players from a handful of teams who, yes, want to win the tournament, but are really playing to impress NBA scouts. But I agree with Duke’s head coach, Mike Krzyzewski, who said, “To me, teamwork is the beauty of our sport, where you have five acting as one.” Through teamwork, the accomplishments of the team sometimes becomes much more than the collective talent of each individual player.

I experienced this phenomenon firsthand through my oldest son’s high school basketball team. They were a team of mostly slightly better than average players with no superstars. They were picked to finish fourth in their district, but somehow they made the playoffs. And then the magic really happened. Picked as the underdog in every game they played in the state tournament, playing as a cohesive unit, they won game after game (a total of six) against clearly more athletically talented teams. In each game, a different player stepped up and did something remarkable to help this team win. And after every game, the opposing team walked off the court shaking their heads, wondering how a group of “mostly short, slow, white guys” (to quote my son) could have beaten them. It was the movie, Hoosiers,[i] all over again, with my son even playing the role of Ollie, sinking two free throws at the end of one game to win it. Remarkably, this team of nobodies found themselves in the Texas Class 5A state finals against the number one team in the state, who had lost only one game all year, and who had demolished its semifinal foe by more than 40 points. No one gave my son’s team a chance.

 I love the way author Daniel James Brown describes the importance of teamwork in his book, The Boys in the Boat,[ii] the story of the USA 1936 gold medal rowing team:

“[T]he greatest paradox of the sport has to do with the psychological makeup of the people who pull the oars. Great oarsmen and oarswomen are necessarily made up of conflicting stuff…. The sport offers so many opportunities for suffering and so few opportunities for glory that only the most tenaciously self-reliant and self-motivated are likely to succeed at it. And yet, at the same time – and this is key – no other sport demands and rewards the complete abandonment of the self the way that rowing does. Great crews may have men or women of exceptional talent or strength; they may have outstanding coxswains or stroke oars or bowmen; but they have no stars. The team effort – the perfectly synchronized flow of muscle, oars, boat and water; the single, whole, unified, and beautiful symphony that a crew in motion becomes – is all that matters. Not the individual, not the self.

“…Crew races are carefully balanced blends of both physical abilities and personality types. In physical terms, for instance, one rower’s arms might be longer than another’s, but the latter might have a stronger back than the former. Neither is necessarily a better or more valuable oarsman than the other; both the long arms and the strong back are assets to the boat. But if they are to row well together, each of these oarsmen must adjust to the needs and capabilities of the other. Each must be prepared to compromise something in the way of optimizing his stroke for the overall benefit of the boat….

“And capitalizing on diversity is perhaps even more important when it comes to the characters of the oarsmen. A crew composed entirely of eight amped-up, overtly aggressive oarsmen will often degenerate into a dysfunctional brawl in a boat or exhaust itself in the first leg of a long race. Similarly, a boatload of quiet but strong introverts may never find the common core of fiery resolve that causes the boat to explode past its competitors when all seems lost. Good crews are good blends of personalities; someone to lead the charge, someone to hold something in reserve; someone to think things through; someone to charge ahead without thinking. Somehow all this must mesh. That’s the steepest challenge. Even after the right mixture is found, each man or woman in the boat must recognize his or her place in the fabric of the crew, accept it, and accept the others as they are. It is an exquisite thing when it all comes together in just the right way.”

Teamwork is not limited to sports competition. It is hard to find any accomplishment in life that is the result of an individual acting alone. Whether it is an assembly line manufacturing automobiles, consummating a business transaction, or filming a movie with recognized stars, none of us can accomplish much by ourselves. Someone said it this way: “One man who works with you is worth a dozen men who work for you.” Watch the launch scene from the movie, Apollo 13[iii] (in honor of my fellow Bill Paxton, who recently died at a far too young age) and notice how many different teams were required for the successful launch. If any one of those teams gave the “no go,” the mission would have been aborted:

Of course, the real story of Apollo 13 takes place after disaster strikes. We all know the famous line from the movie, “Houston, we have a problem.” The spacecraft undergoes massive damage from an explosion of an oxygen tank, and NASA must figure out how to get the astronauts safely back to earth. The true measure of any team, whether in sports, government or business, is how it performs under pressure – when things do not go as expected. And in life, few things go as planned. Fortunately, NASA was equal to the task and the astronauts ultimately returned safely to earth. Here is just one of the many scenes of the technical crew and astronauts working together to accomplish a needed task:

Defiance[iv] is the true story of the four Bielski brothers, who, during World War II, help a large group of Polish Jews escape from the Nazis. Here is one of my favorite scenes, emphasizing, in the words of Helen Keller, “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much,” even impossible tasks:

Unfortunately, even when we work as a team, sometimes our goals are not accomplished; we lose despite our best efforts. Manufactured goods sometimes have defects; deals sometimes don’t close; even great actors and the movie industry’s finest technicians sometimes make bad movies. As this scene illustrates from Friday Night Lights,[v] the story of the Permian Panthers’ quest for a Texas high school championship (I had to get a sports clip in here somewhere!), there is nothing harder than doing your best, but still experiencing “the agony of defeat.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHJVJ_MEyQI&spfreload=10

My son’s Cinderella high school basketball team met with a similar fate. Although the state championship game was tied at halftime, their opponents were two big, too fast, and too skilled, and my son’s team ultimately lost by six points. As I talked to some of the players after the game, as they choked back the tears, they told me the tears were less about losing and more about realizing their magical run was over – that they would no longer be part of a well running team that played better, bigger and with more heart than their individual skill levels gave them the right to.

May we all have such an experience, whether in sports, work or our other personal relationships, as we swallow our egos, recognize, utilize, adapt to and appreciate the abilities of others, and, working together, accomplish something great.

[i] Hoosiers

• Production Co.: De Haven Productions
• Director: David Anspaugh
• Writers: Angelo Pizzo
• Stars: Gene Hackman, Barbara Hershey and Dennis Hopper
• Release date: February 27, 1987

[ii] The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown, Penguin Books, pp. 177-79 (2013)

[iii]Apollo 13

• Production Co.: Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment
• Director: Ron Howard
• Writers: William Broyles Jr. and A Reinert (based on the book by Jim Lovell and Jeffrey Kluger)
• Stars: Tom Hanks, Bill Paxton, Kevin Bacon and Ed Harris
• Release date: June 30, 1995

[iv] Defiance

• Production Co.: Paramount Vantage, Grosvenor Park Productions, Bedford Falls Company
• Director: Edward Zwick
• Writers: Clayton Frohman and Edward Zwick
• Stars: Daniel Craig, Live Schreiber, Jamie Bell
• Release date: January 16, 2009

[v] Friday Night Lights

• Production Co.: Universal Studios
• Director: Peter Berg
• Writers: David Aaron Cohen (based on the book by Buzz Bissinger)
• Stars: Billy Bob Thorton, Jay Hernandez, Derek Luke and Connie Britton
• Release date: October 8, 2004

I never thought I would be a day counter. You know, someone who marks days off the calendar as they wait for some big event to occur. Well, I’ve become one. As of today, I have only 336 days left until I become retirement eligible. That’s not to say I will immediately retire then, but at least at that point I can retire without losing certain benefits, and can then adopt my friend’s philosophy: I will continue to work until I have two bad days in a row. If things stay the way they are now, that will take probably no more than three days.

In our fast-paced world of instant everything and miniscule attention spans, showing patience is a lost art – but a sometimes needed one, often because we don’t have a choice. Years ago, Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel conducted an experiment with four year-old to six year-old children. He offered the children a marshmallow, but if they could wait until he returned 15 minutes later, he would give them two marshmallows. Some children ate the treat immediately. Most could wait a little while, but not even close to the fifteen-minute requirement. Only about a third of the kids could wait for the extra treat. Even more interesting, those children who could wait ended up, in their later years, having higher SAT scores, higher education attainment, lower body mass indexes, better relationships with others, and generally fewer personal problems.

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption.[i] It is a movie that teaches us many things, including patience. Andy Dufresne is a successful banker who is sentenced to two consecutive life sentences at the Shawshank State Penitentiary for the murder of his wife and her lover. The only problem is he didn’t commit the crime. Knowing he is innocent, how does Andy find any satisfaction living in prison with two life sentences hanging over him? He makes the best of his circumstances, keeping a long-term, bigger picture perspective, while finding whatever joy he can in the moment – like enjoying a moment of opera (as narrated by his best friend in prison, Red):

Many years ago I worked at a job I hated. I hated it to the point I was an eyelash away from giving up the practice of law entirely and trying something – anything – different. A friend, who knew of my struggles, came to me and said, “I am going to make you the object of my prayers. I am going to pray for you every day until you find a new job.” I was humbled. Why would anyone do this for me, particularly day after day? I also knew this woman was very spiritual, and if God would listen to anyone, He would listen to her. She then avoided me for several weeks. I didn’t press it, thinking maybe she had changed her mind. Finally, she came to me and said, “I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be getting a new job soon. God has told me there were still some things you need to learn here.”

That was not the answer I wanted to hear. But I gutted out the job for another couple of years – until my boss fired me because I was unwilling to relocate to Yemen (yes, the Yemen in the Middle East that is a haven for terrorists). But I learned from that. I learned empathy for others who had lost jobs, realizing it isn’t always bad performers who get let go. I also learned, while unemployed, to better distinguish the difference between wants and needs. After six months of unemployment, I found a job with a small international oil and gas company but learned quickly I didn’t really enjoy international oil and gas law. And then things started to change. I found a new job at a small company where I was the only attorney. There, I experienced projects that helped me become more than just an oil and gas lawyer. And then I found my dream job. Looking back, I realized I had to go through several years of learning experiences to be ready for the job I ultimately wanted, and was now trained for. Unfortunately, my dream job only lasted about three years before a takeover started to change things again. And now I’m counting the days until I’m retirement eligible – but still learning valuable lessons, including more patience.

For Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, every time things started to get better for him, something bad would happen. But he remained patient, always making the best of one bad situation after another until one day this happens:

It took Andy Dufresne almost 20 years to find freedom, a handful of dirt and clay at a time. Here is how he did it:

But tunneling through the walls of Shawshank was only half the battle. The other half didn’t take twenty years, but might have been just as hard.

Forrest Gump reminds us that shit happens. As life dumps on us (as it always does), let’s remember, as Red might say, we must crawl through a river of shit until we come out clean on the other side. So how do we learn to be patient? I’m not really an expert, but here are a few ideas:

• Remember that life is really a series of stimuli and our reactions to those stimuli. If we can lengthen the gap between a stimulus and our reaction to it, our reactions will be more appropriate and well thought out.
• Keep a long term perspective, but enjoy the journey. Even in the middle of being dumped on by life, we can find moments of joy and learning.
• Remember that life is constantly changing. Like the weather, if you don’t like where you are in life, wait awhile; things will change.
• Finally, don’t think of things that happen to you as either good or bad, it’s just life. And as Red and Andy would say, “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

I hope we all choose living.

___________________________

[i] The Shawshank Redemption

• Production Co.: Castle Rock Entertainment
• Director: Frank Darabont
• Writers: Frank Darabont (based on the short story by Stephen King)
• Stars: Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman and Bob Gunton
• Release date: October 14, 1994

Each of us is made up of two parts: our DNA and our experiences. And our experiences really consist of what others do to (or for) us, and what we do to (or for) others (including ourselves). Unfortunately, we can’t control our DNA; we come pre-wired. But we can control our experiences, or at least how we react to them.

I believe everyone should write their own personal history (someday I’ll even write mine!), not because others will clamor to read it, but because our individual history (our experiences) has shaped who we are. The better we understand our history, the better we will understand ourselves. As I think about my own experiences, I have realized there are three small sentences that I should have spoken much, much more than I have: “Thank you.” “I’m sorry.” “I forgive you.” Of course, we say “thank you” in response to what others do for us. For most of us, that’s a natural reaction when someone does something for us. But it’s not always easy to say “I forgive you” when someone does something to us, or “I’m sorry” when we do something to someone else. In fact, often we don’t apologize because we don’t even know we have offended or otherwise hurt or embarrassed another person. We remain in our own world, oblivious to what we have done, while the persons we hurt are left to plan out their hateful revenge, or perhaps worse, turn that hatred inward upon themselves, as Willie did in this scene from Gridiron Gang[i]:

Who knew such wisdom could come from the Rock! By failing to forgive, we give those who hurt us too much power over us. We need to forgive and move on.

Many years ago I had an interesting experience. I was playing in a church basketball league, and being more competitive than most, I trash-talked about the best player (who was also a friend) on the team we were scheduled to play next. I told another player on that team that their best player (my friend) had no shot (or words to that effect) – that if we locked him in the gym for a week the only way he would make a basket is if he jumped through the hoop while holding the basketball (he was a former collegiate volleyball player and proved wrong the stereotype that white men can’t jump). It was all in good fun – or at least that’s what I thought. Several days later, this player approached me in private and said, “I’m not quite sure what I said or did to make you not like me, but whatever it is, I’m sorry.” At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then it hit me. The person I had trash-talked with (all in good fun at least on my part) had gone to this man and told him in all seriousness what I had said. Some friend I was. I immediately felt terrible. I assured him that I didn’t really mean it – I was just having fun (although apparently at his expense) and apologized profusely. That experience taught me two great lessons. Obviously, if you are going to joke about someone’s looks, abilities, etc., don’t do it behind their back. And if you do it to their face, make sure they know you are just joking (although even doing it to their face shows a certain lack of common sense). More importantly, I learned that if someone offends you (assuming you can’t just let it go), rather than let it fester into hatred and revenge, go to that person and talk through it. Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Said another way, the most important thing is, not what someone may do to you, but how you respond to what they do to you. I love what Oscar Wilde said: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them as much.” Seriously, we need to forgive others, not because of what it might do to help those who have hurt us, but because of what forgiving others does for us. It is liberating. One of my favorite movie quotes is from The Light Between Oceans.[ii] One of the characters, when asked how he always remains happy, regardless of what life throws at him, replies, “I choose to [be happy]. I can leave myself to rot in the past, spend my time hating people for what happened … or I can forgive and forget.” When pressed further, he adds, “It is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things. I would have to make a list, a very, very long list, and make sure I hated the people on it.” Hate lists reminds me of this scene from Billy Madison[iii]:

Perhaps we don’t keep an actual “People I Need to Kill” list, but often we keep mental lists of those we hope bad things happen to, even if we aren’t willing to inflict the hurt ourselves. I love this scene from The Interpreter,[iv] as Nicole Kidman explains the tradition an African tribe uses to end grieving by forgiving.

Let’s have the courage and strength to forgive everyone that does something to us, by doing something for them – forgiving them and perhaps even more. They will be happier, and more importantly, so will we.

[i] Gridiron Gang

• Production Company: Sony Pictures
• Director: Phil Joanou
• Screenwriter: Jeff Maguire and Jac Flanders
• Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Xzibit, L. Scott Caldwell
• Release date: September 15, 2006

[ii] The Light Between Oceans

• Production Company: Heyday Films, LBO Productions, Dreamworks
• Director: Derek Cianfrance
• Screenwriter: Derek Cianfrance (based on the novel by M.L. Stedman)
• Starring: Michael Fassbender, Alicia Vikander, Rachel Weisz
• Release date: September 2, 2016

[iii] Billy Madison

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Robert Simonds Productions
• Director: Tamra Davis
• Screenwriter: Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler
• Starring: Adam Sandler, Darren McGavin, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras
• Release date: February 10, 1995

[iv] The Interpreter

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Working title Films, Misher Films
• Director: Sydney Pollack
• Screenwriter: Martin Stellman and Brian Ward
• Starring: Nicole Kidman, Sean Penn, Catherine Keener
• Release date: April 22, 2006