I found it ironic that we celebrated the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. on the same day President Trump was inaugurated as our 47th president. Here was a man who spent his life trying to get the rest of America to acknowledge Black Americans as people in every sense of the word, compared to a President who is trying to destroy any notion of diversity. America will be run based on merit alone, President Trump assures us, which sounds good when you say it fast, but ignores the unlevel playing field people of color have faced since the creation of our country.

Today is the start of Black History Month. Edmund Burke once said, “Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.” I like what Mark Twain said, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes.” And it’s rhyming today in America as we fight over issues plaguing us since our beginning. Today’s issues of race relations, equal rights for women, and states’ rights vs. the federal government are just some of the same problems dealt with by America’s founders.

I admit, growing up in lily-white Utah, I didn’t know much about Black history. I didn’t know much about it because I saw it as irrelevant, as a person of color was hard to find. When I was eleven, I remember my mother telling me she voted for Barry Goldwater instead of Lyndon Johnson. She supported Goldwater by saying that a conservative was what the country needed. Since I was only eleven, I did not know what a conservative was. In later years, though, I would learn a lot about Republicans and Democrats and conservatives and liberals and everything in between.

Looking back, I am not surprised my parents were conservative Republicans. On the whole, Utah was conservative, with many following the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the “Church”), such as Ezra Taft Benson, a known member of the John Birch Society and an ardent anti-communist. I was too young to remember Sen. McCarthy’s attack on Communists in the 1950s. Still, in the early 60s, I remember my brother telling me Peter, Paul, and Mary, one of my favorite singing groups, were card-carrying Communists. But I liked their music anyway. Many of their songs led me to take political positions different from those of my parents.

Perhaps worse, the Church taught me that Blacks were cursed from the days of Cain, and therefore, couldn’t hold the Priesthood (the Church lifted that ban in 1978), and segregation was the Lord’s way. An apostle of the Church, Mark E. Pederson, said it this way:

“Who placed the Negroes in darkest Africa? Was it some man, or was it God? And when He placed them there, He segregated them. Who placed the Chinese in China? The Lord did. It was an act of segregation. When he placed only some of His chosen people in the tribe of Judah, the royal tribe, wasn’t that an act of segregation? And when He gave the birthright only to Ephraim, wasn’t that an act of segregation?

“The Lord segregated the people both as to blood and place of residence. At least in the cases of the Lamanites and the Negroes we have the definite word of the Lord Himself that He placed a dark skin upon them as a curse—as a punishment and a sign to all others. He forbade intermarriage with them under threat of extension of the curse. (Book of Mormon; 2 Nephi 5:21) And He certainly segregated the descendants of Cain when He cursed the Negro as to the Priesthood and drew an absolute line. You may even say He dropped an Iron curtain there. The Negro was cursed as to the Priesthood, and, therefore, was cursed as to the blessings of the Priesthood. Certainly, God made a segregation there.” (Address given August 27, 1954, at BYU to a group of seminary and institute instructors.) (The Church disavowed these theories in a Gospel Topic Essay in 2013.)

Only two African Americans attended my junior high. Neither were in my grade, and they moved away after a year. Only two African Americans were enrolled in my high school during my entire three years. Both were a year older than me. In other words, during my six years of secondary education, I never had a single African American as a classmate.

As I started high school, black athletes began protesting racist policies and practices. In the 1968 Olympic Games, some black athletes, such as Lew Alcindor (now Kareem Abdul Jabbar), refused to participate. John Carlos and Lee Evans raised black-gloved fists in protest on the medal stand. But then the protests hit closer to home. In 1969, 14 black football players on the University of Wyoming’s team attempted to wear black armbands to protest the Church’s stand on Blacks and the priesthood. Instead, Wyoming’s coach, Lloyd Eaton (who is white), dismissed all 14 from the team. Wyoming fans started wearing yellow armbands in support of the coach rather than the athletes. And BYU fans often wore red armbands in protest of their opponents, who invariably had few Native Americans enrolled in their school.

It wasn’t until after I graduated from law school and moved to Colorado then to Texas that I began associating with people of color. I worked with them; they became my neighbors; our kids played sports together. Through these experiences, I became an example of what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once taught: “Men often hate each other because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they cannot communicate; they cannot communicate because they are separated.” (From his 1958 speech, Strive Toward Freedom.)

As an adult, I have come to realize that my history includes Black history. But since I had little interaction with people of color until becoming an adult, I have learned much about Black history through movies. For Black History Month, I recommend everyone watch or rewatch at least these three movies:

The Six Triple Eight[i] tells the true story of a battalion of Black WACs during World War II tasked with sorting a three-year backlog of undelivered mail. Faced with discrimination and a country devastated by war, they managed to sort more than 17 million pieces of mail within 90 days, restoring much-needed morale to soldiers at the front lines and their families back home. Here is my favorite scene from the film:

All the Way[ii] tells the true story of how President Lyndon Johnson used all his political skills and allies, including Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., to pass the Civil Rights Act of 1964. If you like Bryan Cranston, you’ll love this movie. Here is the trailer for the film:

Selma[iii] tells the true story of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s efforts to secure equal voting rights by leading a march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama, in 1965. Here is the most gut-wrenching scene from the film:

There are many other films dealing with Black History. Take the time to watch a few.

Nelson Mandela said, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

Let’s learn to love.

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[i] The Six Triple Eight:

• Production Companies: Netflix, Georgia Department of Economic Development, and Tyler Perry Studios
• Director: Tyler Perry
• Screenwriters: Keven Hymel and Tyler Parry
• Starring: Kerry Washington, Ebony Obsidian, and Milauna Jackson
• Release Date: December 20, 2024

[ii] All the Way:

• Production Companies: HBO Films, Amblin Entertainment, and Tale Told Productions
• Director: Jay Roach
• Screenwriter: Robert Schenkkan
• Starring: Bryan Cranston, Anthony Mackie, and Melissa Leo
• Release Date: May 21, 2016

[iii] Selma:

• Production Companies: Pathé, Harpo Films, and Plan B Entertainment
• Director: Ava DuVernay
• Screenwriter: Paul Webb
• Starring: David Oyelowo, Carmen Ejogo, and Oprah Winfrey
• Release Date: January 9, 2015

(Or How To Be the Hero of Your Own Story)

My wife and I recently watched the touching documentary Super/man: The Christopher Reeve Story.[i]    Christopher Reeve, of course, played Superman in the 1978 movie Superman and its three sequels.  In 1995, Reeve fell off his horse during an equestrian competition, leaving him paralyzed from the neck down. He was in a wheelchair and on a ventilator for the rest of his life. Out of coincidence, I started a new book the very night I had watched the documentary, and in the first chapter, a woman fell off her horse and remained in a coma for over a month. Note to self: leave horseback riding to others!

After his accident, Reeve spent the rest of his life advocating for people with disabilities. He pushed for stem cell research and better insurance coverage. He established the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation with his wife, Dana, which has given more than $140 million to research and more than $44 million in quality-of-life grants.

Here is the trailer for the documentary:

Here is what Reeve said about heroes:

“What is a hero? My answer was that a hero is someone who commits a courageous action without considering the consequences. Now, my definition is completely different. I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”

Reeve was one of those heroes; so was his wife, Dana. After his accident, Reeve said to Dana, “Maybe we should let me go.” Dana tearfully replied, “I will support whatever you want to do because this is your life and your decision. But I want you to know that I’ll be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You’re still you. And I love you.” And that is exactly what she did.

The movie White Bird[ii] tells the story of a young teenager who fits both Christopher Reeve’s definitions of a hero. Julien is disabled and so teased and bullied by his classmates. But he takes it all in stride, returning the bullying with kindness. When the Nazis take over his town and begin rounding up Jews for the death camps, Jullien hides a Jewish classmate Sara in his barn. Here is the trailer for the film:

Although the story is fictional, the history of World War II is replete with similar tales. The young actor who plays Sara in the film discovered that she had an ancestor whom a family hid in their barn in Holland during the war.

But heroes are not just found in movies. If we look around us, we see heroes every day. Here are a few of those:

Doctors, nurses, and other humanitarian aid workers who risk their lives every day in war-torn Ukraine, Gaza, Lebanon, and Syria.

Fathers and mothers who go to work every day at jobs they don’t particularly enjoy to put food on the table and roofs over the heads of their families.

The men and women in the military who put their lives on the line so you and I can enjoy our freedom.

A little closer to home, family members struggling with mental illness, alcoholism, and depression who fight every day to keep going.

And finally, Santa Claus.

Yes, Santa Claus. I love Santa Claus, but not just because of the great presents he brings me every year. I love Santa because he does wonderful things for me and you because he loves us and wants us to be happy, not because he expects anything from us in return.  Santa wants it that way. Even though we might like to do something nice for Santa in return for what he gives us, what can we really do? He performs his service in the middle of the night after we have gone to bed. We would never have known he had been there if we hadn’t found the presents under the tree or in our stockings on Christmas morning. We sometimes make a meager effort to thank him in the only way we can think of—by leaving him some milk and cookies by the fireplace on Christmas Eve, but that pales in comparison to what he does for us, literally working all year long to bring us some happiness one day of the year. And judging by the pictures of Santa I’ve seen, he probably could do without all those cookies and milk.

By being more like Santa, we can become a hero. How do we do that? I Have three suggestions:

1.         Love and serve others in secret. First, like Santa, render your service without show or fanfare. The quiet, behind-the-scenes acts of love are typically the most genuine. If you don’t believe in Santa Claus, perhaps you believe in the person Christmas is supposed to be about. Jesus Christ taught, “But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret himself, shall reward thee openly. [KJV Matthew 6:3-4.]

2.         Be concerned about the sinner, not the sin. Santa keeps a naughty or nice list, but he usually brings us something regardless of which list we are on. Christ said it this way: “Judge not that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but not the beam that is in thine own eye?  [KJV Matthew 7:1-3.]

3.         Make it personal. Go beyond the minimum required by getting to know the people you serve.  People realize when they are little more than a project, when you are doing little more than going through the motions.  And whatever you do, try to make your efforts personal to the gift’s receiver.  No one gets very excited about a gift that is just like everyone else’s.

Love all those around you, when they deserve it, but especially when they don’t.  In the words of the Savior again: “Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  [KJV Matthew 5: 43-44.]

In closing, I have a couple of heroes I need to honor. As many of you know, we lost a son to mental illness earlier in the year. He left behind a wife and six children, ages six to eighteen.  The loss of a husband, father, breadwinner, and foundation of a family would be enough to cripple most people. But I have watched our daughter-in-law carry on repeatedly, keeping the family from falling apart and honoring our son despite his weakness. To me, she is an absolute hero.

But she has not had to do it alone. Family and friends have rallied around her and the children with love and support. But there is one (maybe several?) hero that I have to specifically mention because they have exemplified what Santa and Christ have tried to teach us about love and kindness. Several times since our son’s death, the family has opened the door to their home to find a gift basket for each family member. The baskets are individual for each recipient, and the contents have been chosen carefully. But the best part? They have been given anonymously.  

Each of us will face some dark times in our lives. In those times, I hope we can remember these words from White Bird:

“When in dark times, those small things [acts of love] remind us of our humanity.”

“You forget many things in life, but you never forget kindness. Because when kindness can cost you your life, it becomes like a miracle.”

I thank all those heroes in my life who, through their kindness, have shown me that miracles can still happen.

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[i] Super/man: The Christopher Reeve Story:

• Production Companies: DC Studios, HBO Documentaries, and CNN Films
• Directors: Ian Bonhôte and Peter Ettedgui
• Screenwriters: Ian Bonhôte, Otto Burnham, and Peter Ettedgui
• Starring: Christopher Reeve, Will Reeve, and Alexandra Reeve Givens
• Release date: December 7, 2024

[ii] White Bird:

• Production Companies: Lionsgate, Participant, and Kingdom Story Company
• Director: Marc Forester
• Screenwriters: Mark Bomback and R. J. Palacio
• Starring: Ariella Glaser, Orlando Schwerdt, and Gillian Anderson
• Release date: October 4, 2024

[This blog post contains spoiler alerts about two recent movies, Conclave and Heretic. You might want to do so if you haven’t seen the films before reading this post.]

I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which used to be commonly known as the Mormon Church. In this post, I will refer to it simply as the “Church.” From a young age, I had doubts about the Church’s claim to be the restoration of the church established by Jesus Christ while on earth and, therefore, “The only true and living church on the face of the earth.” My doubts led me even to question the existence of God—at least the God that I had been taught about all my life, who seemed to answer prayers randomly, if at all, and didn’t like some of his creations very much (read non-white races, non-Christians, LGBTQ, etc.). Although I technically remain a member of record, I no longer regularly attend. That said, I still believe there is good in the Church, and most of its members are lovely, caring people. Accordingly, I don’t criticize anyone who remains active in the Church—or any other church. I just determined, late in life, that the Church was not for me.

In 2013, a leader in the Church gave a talk in which he told members to “First doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.”

But I found that easier said than done.

I recently watched Conclave.[i] It is the story of how the cardinals of the Catholic church must choose a new pope, or as they refer to him, “The most famous man in the world.” Here is the trailer for the film:

I related to the Dean of Cardinal’s speech about thirty minutes into the film, where he says, in part:

“Let me speak from the heart for a moment…. Certainty is the great enemy of unity. Certainty is the deadly enemy of tolerance…. If there were only certainty and no doubt, there would be no mystery and, therefore, no need for faith. Let us pray that God will grant us a pope who doubts.”

The rest of the movie shows how the conservative and liberal factions seek to garner votes for a cardinal who supports their viewpoint. Naturally, I saw many parallels with our recent Presidential election, as the liberals sought to make the church more inclusive while the conservatives sought to make it great again.

I also saw parallels between Conclave and the Church. When the Church’s current leader dies, his replacement results from seniority rather than an election. The Church’s leader is considered a prophet who is God’s mouthpiece here on earth, and Church leaders give the impression that any changes in the Church are the result of direct revelation from God to His prophet. But a new book, Second Class Saints: Black Mormons and the Struggle for Racial Equality by historian Matt Harris, reveals that the Church operates more like the Catholic Church when issuing its latest revelation than the prophets we read about in scripture. For example, up until 1978, the Church banned male members of Black descent from holding the priesthood (women have never been ordained to the priesthood). The Church removed the ban in 1978 and portrayed it as a direct revelation from God. However, Second-Class Saints illustrates how the Church leaders acted more like a corporate board of directors, taking individual positions on an issue until a consensus was reached after discussion and cajoling. The lifting of the ban took so long because it took over a decade before the Church’s First Presidency and Quorum of Twelve Apostles could reach a unanimous consensus.

Let’s return to doubt and look closer at Heretic,[ii] where Mr. Reed (played by Hugh Grant) traps two sister missionaries from the Church. When I first heard about the premise behind Heretic, I thought of my own Church mission in Australia. My companions and I spent about two-thirds of our time knocking on doors, looking for people interested in the Church. One man, Mr. Coots, agreed to let us come back and show him a filmstrip (those were videos before anyone had invented videos). When we went back to show him the filmstrip, Mr. Coots answered, and without even saying hello, he told us we had five minutes to get off his property and slammed the door.

Being the smart aleck that I am, I turned to my companion and said, “Well, I guess we still have four and a half minutes left. What should we do?” I don’t know if Mr. Coots heard me, but as we started to walk away, the door flew open, and Mr. Coots walked out, loading his shotgun. I just smiled and said, “Goodnight!”

I also thought of two missionaries in Austin, Texas, who returned to a house to teach a man the gospel. That man trapped the missionaries in his garage and murdered them. In short, the premise behind Heretic is not so far-fetched.

In Heretic, Mr. Reed invites two sister missionaries into his home and challenges their beliefs. But it’s not just their belief in the Church; he challenges all religions as made-up stories to explain the unexplainable. Reed points out, for example, that many Bible stories were tales borrowed from other cultures. It was as if I were reading a Richard Dawkins book. Here is one thought-provoking scene from the film:

Interestingly, the doors marked “Belief” and “Disbelief” both lead to the same dungeon where Mr. Reed has kept several of his other victims. In Reed’s mind, the only true religion is power and control over others, and if we follow a religion—any religion, even atheism—we are allowing ourselves to be controlled. I recognized some of that in my own life. The Church told me what to believe and how to act. It told me what to eat and drink through its Word of Wisdom. It even told me what underwear I needed and when I could and could not take it off. I remember one of the Church’s Apostles teaching me in connection with agency, “You can choose to keep the commandments, or you can choose to be damned.” Sure, I was free to choose to disobey, but who wanted to be damned?

But Heretic and life is more nuanced than that. Even when I stopped attending the Church, my lifestyle changed little. I still wanted to be a good person and keep my values. I still strive to be honest in all my dealings. I still try to love my neighbor as I love myself. Some may argue that the Church I was raised in is still controlling me. But I don’t buy that. I choose to be kind, for example, not because I fear punishment from God but because of how it makes me and others feel and how it deepens connections between us, which, to me, is the source of joy.

I found the sister missionaries in Heretic to be fascinating characters. Sister Barnes is a convert to the Church, so I expected her to have street smarts because she has seen the world both in and out of the Church. On the other hand, Sister Paxton appears naïve and, at first blush, seems to believe only because she was raised in the Church and knows nothing else. But Sister Paxton turns out to be cagier than she first appears. She is the one who suggests they use the “Disbelief” door to escape, probably because she thinks that is the door Mr. Reed wants them to choose. Later, she admits that science proves prayer doesn’t work, but she chooses to pray anyway. Why? Because it is an act of reaching out to support others in need.

In the end, Mr. Reed slashes the throat of Sister Barnes. He is about to do the same to Sister Paxton when Sister Barnes magically rises from the dead and saves Sister Paxton by attacking Mr. Reed with a wooden plank with nails sticking out its end. Was Sister Barnes not quite dead yet? Did God return her to life long enough to save Sister Paxton? The symbolism of Christ is evident to those who want to believe. The makers of the film wanted the movie to be ambiguous regarding what they wanted the audience to believe. That’s where the mystery comes in. And that, according to Conclave, is where faith comes in.  

We often go to the movies to escape reality—to be entertained by a made-up world. But if you want two thought-provoking films, I highly recommend Conclave and Heretic.  

Unlike Mr. Reed, I do not believe religion has to be binary. It doesn’t have to be all true or all false. Any religion or belief that makes us more principled, kind, and loving people cannot be bad. I also disagree with Mr. Reed that the only true religion is control. Instead, I agree with James in the Bible, where he says in James 1:27, “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.” (KJV)

As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, may we all learn to love and respect others—those who believe like us and especially those who believe differently. More importantly, let us lift those in need, or, as Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind.”

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[i] Conclave:

• Production Companies: Indian Paintbrush, Access Entertainment, and FilmNation Entertainment
• Director: Edward Berger
• Screenwriters: Peter Straughan and Robert Harris
• Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Stanley Tucci, and John Lithgow
• Release date: October 25, 2024

[ii] Heretic:

• Production Companies: A24, Beck Woods, Shiny Penny
• Directors: Scott Beck and Bryan Woods
• Screenwriters: Scott Beck and Bryan Woods
• Starring: Hugh Grant, Sophie Thatcher, and Chloe East
• Release date: November 8, 2024

If you pay close attention to when I publish my blog posts, you will know that they come out on the first of every month. This one is a day before that. Call it a Halloween special.

If you pay really close attention, you will also know that this is the time of year I post about the Austin Film Festival. But this is the first time in about five straight years that I didn’t make it to the festival. Maybe a new streak will start again next year.

A good portion of films shown at the Austin Film Festival are horror movies, or as the Festival calls them, “Dark Matters.” I am not a horror movie fan and am less so the older I get. But, in honor of Halloween, I am devoting this post to that genre of films.

But first a true story. Call it a ghost story.

Many years ago, a friend of mine bought a new home in the Dallas area. It was a very old home, but new to her. After she moved in, strange things started to happen. There were cold spots in the house where the temperature was noticeably colder than the rest of the house. A check by an HVAC expert revealed nothing wrong with her system. But then, inanimate objects (her things!) began to be moved. My friend never saw them being moved, but often items she placed in one room began showing up in different rooms. My friend concluded she was either going mad or her house was haunted.

We had a mutual friend who had some experience with paranormal activity, and my friend asked her for advice. This mutual friend assured us that older houses are often “haunted,” but she shouldn’t be concerned as, unlike in the movies, these spirits do not mean to harm anyone. We investigated the history of the prior ownership of the house and discovered that a Mr. Hurlbut lived there for many years until his death. Our mutual friend surmised that Mr. Hurlbut was probably still there and the source of the haunting.

What should or could my friend do about Mr. Hurlbut? Our paranormal activity expert told my friend that the next time she felt a cold spot, heard noises she couldn’t identify, or found things moved, she should forcefully tell Mr. Hurlbut out loud that he no longer owned this house, that she was the new owner, and that it was time for him to leave. That is exactly what she did, and she never experienced any moved objects or other unexplained phenomena again.

I still don’t know if I believe all that, but my friend swears it’s all true. Stories like that of my friend have spawned horror movies—about twenty percent of all movies made. Here are just a few of the movies based on or inspired by actual events:

The Exorcist

Rotten Tomatoes rates The Exorcist as the scariest movie of all time. The true story behind the film involved a 14-year-old boy rather than a girl. The boy began reciting Latin phrases despite never learning the language. Something or someone carved letters into his abdomen that spelled “HELL.” The exorcism lasted 35 days, and the priest reported that the boy’s bed shook and moved across the room. For the full story of the story behind the film, you might want to check out a documentary about it, The Exorcism of Roland Doe.[i] Here is its trailer:

Scream

A real serial killer, Danny Rolling, inspired the makers of Scream. Rolling became known as the Gainesville Ripper. Police charged him with the grizzly murders of eight young women—all stabbed repeatedly. Rolling’s defense? “The devil made me do it.” Okay, maybe not the devil, but a demon who called himself Gemini. In a bizarre documentary, Scream: The True Story,[ii] two paranormal experts try to determine if Rolling’s defense was valid: he was possessed by the devil or some other demon. Here is the trailer for this documentary:

Personally, I found the portion of the documentary where the paranormal experts try to make contact with the demon a bit silly. Still, the background on the serial killer was interesting.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Psycho

One of the creators of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre studied the case of Houston serial killer Dean Corll, who was believed to have killed 27 people, many with body parts cut off with what appeared to be a chainsaw. Corll’s accomplice led police to a storage unit where bodies were found. Another killer, Ed Gein, confessed to killing two women in Wisconsin and making furniture using their skin and was the inspiration behind Alfred Hitchcock’s classic, Psycho.

The Amityville Horror    

In December 1975, a family moved into a five-bedroom home in the Amityville area of Long Island, New York. They thought they had gotten a steal. And they had, but there was a reason behind it: Ronald DeFeo had killed six members of his family in the house the year before. The new owners abandoned the house a month later because of too many paranormal experiences. They heard strange voices. One member of the family claimed she was lifted off her feet.

The Lighthouse

The 2019 movie The Lighthouse is based on what is known as the Smalls Lighthouse Tragedy. In 1801, two men, Thomas Howell and Thomas Griffith, were hired to work at a lighthouse on Smalls Island off the coast of Wales. Griffith died suddenly of an illness. But because of the remoteness of the area, Howell had to keep Griffith’s body in his living quarters until the next shift arrived. But storms delayed their arrival, and Howell was stuck with Griffith’s decaying body for four months, during which time Howell slowly went insane.

As the old saying goes, truth is often stranger than fiction—and scarier.

Rotten Tomatoes rates the following as the ten scariest horror movies ever made:

1. The Exorcist.
2. Hereditary.
3. The Conjuring.
4. The Shining.
5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
6. The Ring.
7. Halloween.
8. Insidious.
9. Sinister.
10. It.

Horror movies account for about ten percent of all movie tickets sold, but that percentage goes way up the younger the moviegoer. Thirty-four percent of horror movie audiences are between 18 and 24 years old. Surprisingly (at least to me), women make up 58 percent of horror movie audiences.

Horror movies are big moneymakers. The Exorcist, for example, is the highest-grossing horror movie of all time when adjusted for inflation, earning $1.04 billion. Horror films have an average budget of $19 million, lower than most other genres, but have an average profit margin of 486 percent. Paranormal Activity has the highest return on investment for any horror movie, earning 19,758 times its budget. That’s an excellent return on investment!

So, why are we, especially younger people, attracted to horror movies? According to psychologist Angela Duckworth,[iii] at least part of the answer might be “sensation seeking,” or as psychologist, Paul Rozin calls it, “benign masochism,” or doing something that you really shouldn’t do because of the negative emotions they create, such as fear, pain, disgust, or sadness. But we do them anyway because of the thrill we get from doing them.

The scariest movie I have ever seen is number 6 on Rotton Tomatoes’ list—The Ring.[iv] In it, a journalist investigates a mysterious videotape in which anyone who watches it will die seven days later. Here is a scene from the film:

Admittedly, I couldn’t bring myself to watch The Ring Two.

Happy Halloween!

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[i] The Exorcism of Roland Doe:

• Production Company: 1895 Films
• Director: Tom Jennings
• Screenwriters:  Laura Verklan
• Starring: Anthony D. Call, Vincent Lampert, and Jeff Ballenger
• Release Date: February 5, 2021

[ii] Scream: The True Story:

• Production Company: Campfire
• Starring: Jackie Green, Theresa Croft, and Olivia Hytha
• Release Date: January 14, 2022

[iii] Please check out Angela Duckworth’s podcast on this subject at No Stupid Questions podcast, Episode 126, October 3, 2024.

[iv] The Ring:

• Production Companies: Dreamworks Pictures, Parkes/McDonald Image Nation, and Benderspink
• Director: Gore Verbinski
• Screenwriters:  Ehren Kruger, Koji Suzuki, and Hiroshi Takahashi
• Starring: Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, and Brian Cox
• Release Date: October 18, 2002

My wife and I recently returned from a two-thousand-mile road trip. We visited family in Omaha, Nebraska, and Nauvoo, Illinois. On the way home, we visited Hannibal, Missouri, to see the boyhood home of one of my heroes, Mark Twain, and then Springfield, Illinois, to visit the Presidential Library and Museum of Abraham Lincoln, another of my heroes.

At the Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum, we watched a presentation by a historian who reminded us of the importance of studying history (so we don’t repeat our past mistakes). We were told the presentation featured a hologram, but as I watched, I couldn’t be sure whether the historian was an actual human being until he suddenly vanished near the end. The whole presentation was impressive, but especially the lifelike hologram.

I occasionally listen to a podcast about my church. At the end of recent episodes, I heard the voices of three prominent church leaders making snarky remarks about current issues facing the church. But I knew it wasn’t them because of the tone and content of the comments. Besides, two of them are deceased.

That got me thinking about modern technology and artificial intelligence.

I began my legal career in 1979, back in the dark ages of modern technology. Word processors were in their infancy, but my firm was proud that it was one of the few that outfitted all our support staff with them. I also saw the beginning of advanced technology in some of the firm’s other practices.  We had an extensive central filing system containing all the research memos and agreement forms the firm had ever produced. The goal was never to have to reinvent something previously created. It made our attorneys more efficient and saved our clients money.

As scanners improved, we digitized and indexed all those memos and agreements. We added to this digital library all the presentations and articles from continuing legal education seminars we attended. Before starting any new project, an attorney consulted this digital library and found numerous resources as a starting point.

However, with every new technological advance, there was a good and bad side. Historically, law firms hired an army of lawyers to search through documents submitted by the other side in litigation. But by digitizing the records and entering a few keywords into a search program, what took dozens of attorneys weeks to review hundreds of documents to find that proverbial smoking gun, a single computer could do it in a single day. That meant law firms could get by with fewer attorneys, and many law firm associates worried they would soon be out of a job, replaced by a computer or two. It wasn’t just litigators, though. With new online research techniques, modern technology could affect us all.

My fears were somewhat lessened when I read an article in a legal journal. The article argued that computers help with productivity, but lawyers who were good with people, creative, or could analyze the data the computers found would always be needed. But I could be in trouble again if computers could ever be taught to think for themselves.

War Games[i] was one of my favorite movies during this time. In this 1983 film, a young computer whiz named David Lightman (played by Matthew Broderick) accidentally hacks into a U.S. military supercomputer while searching for new video games. Mistakenly believing he is playing a game, he initiates a series of nuclear war simulations, triggering alarms and drawing the attention of the military. As tensions rise and the threat of an actual atomic conflict looms, David teams up with his girlfriend, Jennifer, to convince the military that the “game” is not just a simulation. To stop the computer from launching nuclear warheads, David challenges it to a game of Tic Tac Toe. Here is the scene from the film:      

By repeatedly ending each game in a stalemate, the computer “learns” there can never be a winner in Tic Tac Toe—and in nuclear warfare, and thus, the threat is extinguished.

But in real life, computers could never learn to think, right? That’s what I thought forty years ago. But I know differently now.

Artificial intelligence, or AI, works by using algorithms and models to process data and make decisions. At its core, AI systems learn from large amounts of data through techniques like machine learning, where they identify patterns and improve their performance over time.

1. Data Collection: AI starts with gathering data, which can be anything from images to text to numerical values.
2. Training: Machine learning models are trained on this data. They adjust their internal parameters to minimize errors in predictions or classifications.
3. Algorithms: Various algorithms, such as neural networks, decision trees, or support vector machines, process the data and learn from it.
4. Testing and Validation: After training, the model is tested on new data to ensure it can generalize its learning and perform well in real-world scenarios.
5. Deployment: Once validated, the AI model can be deployed in applications like virtual assistants, recommendation systems, or autonomous vehicles.
6. Continuous Learning: Many AI systems can continue to learn and adapt as they receive new data over time.

Overall, AI combines data, algorithms, and computing power to mimic cognitive functions, enabling machines to perform tasks that typically require human intelligence.

But will AI ever get to the point where it replaces humans who are good with people, creative, empathic, and capable of love? Movies certainly think so.

In the 2014 film Ex Machina,[ii] a young programmer named Caleb (played by Domhnall Gleeson) is invited to a remote research facility to administer a Turing test to an advanced AI named Ava (played by Alicia Vikander), created by reclusive tech CEO Nathan. As Caleb interacts with Ava, he falls in love with her, even though he knows she isn’t human. Please check out this scene from the film:

Ex Machina reminded me of another of my favorite films from last century, the 1975 version of The Stepford Wives[iii] starring Katharine Ross (not the remake starring Nicole Kidman). In The Stepford Wives, a woman named Joanna Eberhart (Ross) moves to the seemingly idyllic town of Stepford, only to discover that submissive, robot-like versions of themselves are replacing the local women. As she investigates the dark secret behind the town’s perfection, Joanna confronts the sinister forces that threaten her identity and autonomy. But in the end, she, too, is replaced by a robot so that all the women of Stepford look and act like this:

Would the world be so bad if all the women looked like Katharine Ross? I’m just kidding, Ladies.

Whether we like it or not, artificial intelligence is here to stay. And like all new technologies, its use can be good and evil. Instead of closing a blind eye to it, we should embrace it. In preparing this blog post, for example, I used AI to write summaries of the three movies I referred to and describe how AI works. I also use AI to correct my spelling and grammar and suggest alternative word choices. On the other hand, we need to use AI ethically and punish those who use it for evil. Much needs to be done to stop cyber stalkers and scammers who use AI to lure us into physical danger or coax our money from us and prevent AI from running amok. But I will leave that topic for another blog post.

AI, though, is still a long way from replacing humans. One AI site, Pi, advertises itself as “a kind and supportive companion offering conversations, friendly advice, and concise information in a natural, flowing style.” So, I gave it a try. I told it I was feeling sad and could use some cheering up. In response, it told me a couple of dad jokes. That was not what I was looking for, so I went deeper. I told it I was sad because of the recent loss of my son to suicide. It offered its condolences, told me it’s OK not to be OK, that grief has no timetable and affects people differently, and suggested I see a therapist. Pi said all the right things, but it lacked the warm and in-depth discussion I would have expected from a human.

In conclusion, I agree with the findings of Kevin Roose from The New York Times,[iv] who spent a month “hanging out” with 18 A.I. friends he had created:

“Research on the long-term effects of A.I. companionship is fairly thin, since the technology is so new, but it does seem to be a short-term help in some cases. One study conducted by Stanford researchers in 2023 found that some users of A.I. companions reported decreased anxiety and increased feelings of social support. A few even reported that their A.I. companions had talked them out of suicide or self-harm.

“I buy the argument that for some people, A.I. companionship can be good for mental health. But I worry that some of these apps are simply distracting users from their loneliness. And I fear that as this technology improves, some people might miss out on building relationships with humans because they’re overly attached to their A.I. friends.

“There’s also a bigger problem to overcome, which is that A.I. companions lack many of the qualities that make human friends rewarding.

“In real life, I don’t love my friends because they respond to my texts instantaneously, or send me horoscope-quality platitudes when I tell them about my day. I don’t love my wife because she sends me love poems out of the blue, or agrees with everything I say.

“I love these people because they are humans—surprising, unpredictable humans, who can choose to text me back or not, to listen to me or not. I love them because they are not programmed to care about me, and they do anyway.” Similarly, I love the humans in my life. I will continue to use AI to help me be more productive, but I will never let AI replace the relationships I enjoy with my human family—includin

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[i] War Games:

• Production Companies: United Artists and Sherwood Productions
• Director: John Badham
• Screenwriters: Lawrence Lasker and Walter F. Parkes
• Starring: Matthew Broderick, Ally Sheedy, and John Wood
• Release Date: June 3, 1983

[ii] Ex Machina:

• Production Companies: A24, Universal Pictures, and Film4
• Director: Alex Garland
• Screenwriter: Alex Garland
• Starring: Alicia Vikander, Domhnall Gleeson, and Oscar Isaac
• Release Date: April 24, 2015

[iii] The Stepford Wives:

• Production Companies: Palomar Pictures International and Fadsin Cinema Associates
• Director: Bryan Forbes
• Screenwriters: Ira Levin and William Goldman
• Starring: Katharine Ross, Paula Prentiss, and Peter Masterson
• Release Date: February 12, 1975

[iv] “Meet My AI Friends,” by Keven Roose, The New York Times, May 9, 2024

We have all heard that line in movies. Some of us have heard it from friends or family members. A few of us might have said it ourselves. And sometimes, those who have said it won’t even use the “A” word but instead call themselves a heavy drinker to avoid the stigma attached to alcoholism. But regardless of what you call it, the effects of heavy drinking can be disastrous and even result in death—to the drinker and those around them.

I had direct contact once with a person driving under the influence of alcohol. I was on a business trip. Four to dinner one evening. On the highway back to our hotel, our driver suddenly yelled, “Hold on tight! This car is going to hit us!” And hit us, it did. I looked out the window in time to see a full-sized Cadillac approaching us, crossing the yellow highway dividing line and bashing into our car. The driver appeared to make no effort to stop. Fortunately, three of us were not hurt seriously. But the fourth passenger went into shock. Later, her doctor diagnosed her with a severe brain injury. She went on disability and, to my knowledge, never worked again.

The police investigating the crash told us what had happened. The driver of the Cadillac had been drinking at a bar further down the highway. He was getting noticeably drunk, so the bartender refused to serve him anymore. He left that bar and headed for the next one down the road. When he hit our vehicle, he saw that bar on our right and was turning into its parking lot. Unfortunately, he was so focused on the bar that he failed to see us. And, as is typical with drunk drivers, the crash left him unhurt.

In 2018, an estimated 14.8 million people in the United States were diagnosed with alcohol use disorders, yet only around 4.6 percent of them sought treatment. The World Health Organization estimated there were 283 million people with alcohol use disorders worldwide as of 2016. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates the U.S. economy loses $179 billion each year due to alcohol-related decreases in workplace productivity. And alcohol can hit your personal checkbook. For example, if a person followed the recommendations of the Dietary Guidelines for Americans (meaning one daily drink for women and two for men) and your drink of choice is a 5-ounce glass of wine costing $20 per bottle, a woman would spend $1,456 on alcohol each year; a man would pay $2,912 annually. Of course, heavy drinkers imbibe much more than these dietary recommendations. And if you happen to drink and drive, Forbes estimates a typical DUI will cost you $20,000 (and possibly jail time).

Why do people drink alcohol to excess even after experiencing adverse consequences? It might be as simple as Ernest Hemingway once said, “I drink to make other people more interesting.” Or, writer Charles Bukowski said it this way, “That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens, you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens, you drink to make something happen.”

More times than not, heavy drinkers turn to alcohol to self-medicate in response to stress, trauma, or anxiety in their lives. Some might drink solely from boredom. And it often is a combination of nurture and nature. Although there is no such thing as a single alcohol gene, a person with a parent or sibling with an alcohol use disorder is three to four times more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder themselves.

But it’s much more complicated than genetics. Caroline Knapp, writer of the memoir Drinking: A Love Story, described it this way:

“Trying to describe the process of becoming an alcoholic is like trying to describe air. It’s too big and, mysterious and pervasive to be defined. Alcohol is everywhere in your life, omnipresent, and you’re both aware and unaware of it almost all the time. All you know is you’d die without it, and there is no simple reason why this happens, no single moment, no physiological event that pushes a heavy drinker across the concrete line into alcoholism. It’s a slow, gradual, insidious, elusive becoming.”

The film Rocketman[i] is the story of Elton John’s battle with addiction, and it wasn’t just alcohol. In the opening scene, John tells us: “My name is Elton Hercules John. And I’m an alcoholic. And a cocaine addict. And a sex addict. And a bulimic. I’m also a shopaholic who has problems with weed, prescription drugs, and anger management.” Wow!

Elton John’s problems began in early childhood when his parents, particularly his father, showed him little love. Those problems intensified as he realized he was gay at a time when it was considered a perverted choice. And all the fame and fortune didn’t compensate for that lack of love and acceptance, especially by and of himself.

Elton John did not get better until he confronted his demons. Here is the scene from the film:

Through taking on his demons, John finally accepted himself for who he is, even that little boy Reginald Dwight, where all his problems began.

A favorite scene from the movie is when Bernie Taupin, who had been Elton’s lyricist for decades, visits Elton as he is about to leave rehab. Here is the dialogue between them:

Elton: I’m scared, Bernie. What if I’m not as good without the drink and the drugs?

Bernie: You know that’s not true. You’re not scared you’re not good without it; you’re scared to feel again. You might be able to lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me.

Elton John has been sober for over 33 years and counting—although he admits he still has issues with shopping. After he left rehab, Elton set up his Aids charity from a kitchen table. He has raised over $450 million and helps people living with HIV/AIDS all over the world. But perhaps best of all, Elton was able to find real love. He and his partner have been married for 30 years and have two sons.

My family has a genetic predisposition to abuse alcohol. One family member acknowledged his heavy drinking but sought to be “a functioning alcoholic.” For a while, he was able to keep his job and function well enough to get by. However, the heavy alcohol use started to affect him physically to the point where he could no longer perform his job requirements. He began having bouts of acute pancreatitis, neuropathy in his legs, liver issues, and anxiety attacks.

The film Flight[ii] is a fictional account of a commercial pilot who was drunk almost every time he flew. But he was a good enough pilot to function well enough to keep his drinking problem a secret. For years, he flew without incident (a functional alcoholic!), but eventually, it caught up with him when, in mid-flight, his plane experienced mechanical difficulties. He miraculously landed the plane, averting a major disaster (still a functioning alcoholic!). The public heralded him as a hero. However, the NTSB’s investigation determined a crew member had a blood alcohol level of .24 (a level of .08 makes you legally intoxicated). Rather than casting blame on another crew member, the hero pilot admitted he was drunk while piloting the plane. Even though the physical evidence showed faulty equipment from poor maintenance was the root cause of the accident, the courts found him criminally negligent (four passengers and two crew members out of 102 lost their lives) and sentenced him to prison. Here is the closing scene from the movie:

Before retirement, I worked as a lawyer, a profession known for its excessive use of alcohol and drugs. A 2016 study by the American Bar Association found that one in five lawyers are problem drinkers. That’s more than twice the national rate. But the vast majority of them show up for work every day, hoping to be functional alcoholics—although most would never admit that’s what they are.

Brian Cuban was one of those lawyers. He is now in recovery and the author of The Addicted Lawyer: Tales of the Bar, Booze, and Redemption. He admits he would regularly turn up for work drunk and do a few lines of cocaine to be able to function. “I was doing coke in the bathroom in the morning to recover from hangovers. Cocaine got me back on focus.” Brian Cuban worked for his brother Mark (yes, that Mark Cuban), who threatened to fire him if he didn’t get clean. Brian responded, “I kept thinking: ‘I’m not going to rehab. I’m a lawyer, lawyers don’t go to rehab, they aren’t in 12-step programs.’ Of course, half the people I know in my 12-step program are lawyers.”

I obtained my General Counsel position as a result of a lawyer with a drinking problem. She did her job for years, but the alcohol finally caught up with her, and the company ultimately had to terminate her employment. They hired me as her replacement.

I worked with another lawyer at a different company who knew he would become an alcoholic if he didn’t actively try to control his drinking. So, he committed to having only two drinks a night after work. A drink at any other time was strictly off-limits. During the period I worked with him (about a year), he appeared to keep that commitment. But I worried if it would last. Like most drugs, over time, it takes more and more drinks to get the same effect from the alcohol you are looking for. Thus, it is almost impossible to remain a functional alcoholic over an extended period.

I hope all this doesn’t sound judgmental coming from a person who doesn’t drink. For years, I didn’t drink because of my religion. I no longer am a practicing member of that religion, but I still choose not to drink. Why? At various times throughout my life, I have dabbled with alcohol, but I have only been drunk once. And I wouldn’t say I liked it. Rather than enjoying any dopamine rush or the freeing of inhibitions, I dreaded the feeling of not being in control. I decided then and there that I never wanted to be drunk again. It wasn’t worth it—at least to me. I am so grateful for that experience.

There is hope for those with alcohol use disorder. The most popular program is the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are drugs to help with the cravings and withdrawal. Counseling can help a person discover the root causes of their addiction and help the patient deal with those root causes. Regardless of the treatment a person might choose, we need to remember it is a disease, primarily out of the control of the sufferer.

My family member, who is battling alcohol use disorder, is diligently trying to get his drinking under control. He needs to stop (or at least severely cut back) to improve his physical health. And I would argue he needs to stop to improve his mental health as well. It is a tough battle, and the odds are not in his favor, but I am confident he can do it as he relies on our strong family ties. He is making good progress, and I am immensely proud of him. A fellow family member recently remarked how much better he looked and acted, even after only a month of almost total sobriety.

His battle can be summed up in this poem by Chinmay Kumar Choudhury:

A grip so tight, it binds within,

Alcoholism, more than just a sin.

A struggle deep, it consumes the soul,

A battle fought, to gain control.

As Robert Downey Jr. once said, “Remember, just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.” You can use that rock bottom to build a solid foundation for a new life—one that is worth living. Or, as someone once said, “The goal isn’t to be sober. The goal is to love yourself so much that you don’t need to drink.”   

If you or someone you love is suffering from the disease of alcohol use disorder, please get the help you or they need. Do it now, before it’s too late.  

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[i] Rocketman:

• Production Companies: Paramount Pictures, New Republic Pictures, and Marv Films
• Director: Dexter Fletcher
• Screenwriter: Lee Hall
• Starring: Taron Eggerton, Jamie Bell, and Richard Madden
• Release Date: May 31, 2019

[ii] Flight:

• Production Companies: Paramount Pictures, ImageMovers, and Parkes/MacDonald Image Nation
• Director: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenwriter: John Gatins
• Starring: Denzel Washington, Nadine Velazquez, Don Cheadle
• Release Date: November 2, 2012

Over the last few months, I have thought a lot about the relationship between a parent and a child. That relationship tends to be focused downward, meaning a father’s or a mother’s feelings toward their child are stronger than the child’s feelings toward the parent. I suppose that is how it should be, as it is natural for a parent to do whatever they must to protect their young.

My wife and I have five wonderful children that we love and adore. Over the years, we have tried to follow a principle I learned from my father-in-law. He often told us that he showed his children that he loved them equally by treating them differently. But, having six kids, he also frequently quoted John Wilmot, who said, “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”We have struggled through the years to determine how best to help our children live productively. At times, we have just tried to keep them alive.

When our kids were little, it was much more manageable. We mostly had to provide for their physical needs and keep them safe. But we also tried to teach them honesty, fairness, hard work, obedience, and other values. However, learning about a value and putting that value into practice were two different things.

As many of you know, we recently lost one of our sons to bipolar disorder. Scott was very productive, with a successful pediatric practice and a beautiful family. But in the last six months of his life, we saw him change, and by the end, he was not the same person. And even though we loved him with all our hearts, minds, and strength, that love alone could not save him. His mental illness, like cancer, slowly destroyed his brain. We would have done anything to save him from that disease, and we tried. But all of our efforts were in vain.

I have played the “what if” game many times since his untimely death. Could we have done more to help him? We thought he was improving, but I have learned that those with bipolar disorder are often more intelligent than most and are great at hiding their true feelings and intentions.

Scott focused on some debt he had accumulated due to some impulsive decisions. But that debt was not insurmountable. And we told him that over and over. Could I, or worse, should I, have done more to change his thinking that he was more valuable dead (read life insurance) than alive? I will never know, but I know the “what if” game after the fact isn’t helpful. All we can do now is honor the life he lived and help educate others about the perils of mental illness.

Fortunately, Scott avoided the justice system. As a lawyer and from personal experience, I learned more about the justice system than I ever wanted to. And our justice system is anything but just when it comes to those with mental illness. The system is stacked against them, and it is hard to find a way out once in the system. The last place a person with bipolar disorder needs to be is in jail. Several years ago, I visited a person in jail who struggled with bipolar disorder. While waiting for him to be brought to the visiting room, I remarked to the jailer that the inmate had bipolar disorder and should be in a hospital, not a jail cell. The jailer remarked, in all seriousness, “Probably more than 90 percent of the inmates here have bipolar disorder.” There has to be a better way.

I saw two movies recently where a family member pushed back against the justice system. Ezra[i] tells the story of a divorced father who kidnaps his son from his mother and takes him on a road trip across the country. He wants to be with his son and strengthen their relationship. Even his ex-wife, after she learns what has happened, tries to “call off the dogs” of the justice system, but to no avail. Here is the trailer:

I love Robert DeNiro’s character, who tells the father, “You’re fighting for something. You might have to suffer consequences, but it’s worth it because you did it because you love your kid.” I wonder what consequences I would be willing to face simply because I have my children, especially now that they are all adults.

In Fancy Dance,[ii] the aunt of a young teenager tries to protect her niece from the foster care system. Here is one of the more gut-wrenching scenes from the film:

The film notes that the word for “aunt” in the Native American tongue means “little mother.” In their culture, it becomes the aunt’s responsibility to protect the child if the mother is unavailable. The film also highlights the perils of indigenous people, particularly Native American women, but that is a subject for another blog post.

So, what should a parent do to protect a child before the eyes of the law? Do we protect them from arrest by lying about their whereabouts? Do we confess to our child’s crime so we, not them, face the consequences? They do that in the movies and TV crime shows. Should a parent do so in real life? How far, as parents, should we go to protect our children? There are no easy answers.

I am currently reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper. It tells the story of a family’s struggle to keep their second child alive as she battles leukemia. At one point, the mom asks questions similar to those I am asking here and concludes, “I’d give her half my heart, for God’s sake, if it helped. You do whatever you have to when it comes to people you love, right?” But does that mean you mostly ignore the suffering child’s older brother and have another child solely intending to use her as a donor of stem cells, bone marrow, and even a kidney to keep their suffering child alive? Fifteen years ago, Hollywood turned the book into a movie. Here is a scene from My Sister’s Keeper:[iii]

Should we love our children so much that we are willing to let them go? Sometimes, life gets so complicated that our children would rather die than live in misery. Should we let them? Or, as the 1969 movie points out, “They shoot horses, don’t they?” As parents, we have concluded that we would rather have a suffering child with us than not have them here at all. But at the same time, I wonder if that makes us similar to the parents in My Sister’s Keeper. Being willing to do whatever you have to is easy to say but not so easy to do.

If you or someone you love has a mental illness, please get (or help them get) the help they need. Life is hard and often unfair, but I still believe it is better than the alternative.  

Parenting is hard—extremely hard. The most important thing we can do as parents is love our children. But what does that mean? My wife and I are doing our best to follow my father-in-law’s principle of showing our children that we love them equally by treating them differently. The principle is beautiful, but the implementation is sometimes next to impossible.

But sometimes we, as parents, can do impossible things.

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[i] Ezra:

• Production Companies: Closer Media, Wayfarer Studios, and Bleeker Street Media
• Director: Tony Goldwyn
• Screenwriter: Tony Spiridakis
• Starring: Bobby Cannavale, Rose Byrne, and Vera Farmiga
• Release Date: May 30, 2024

[ii] Fancy Dance:

• Production Companies: Confluential Films, Significant Productions, and AUM Group
• Director: Erica Tremblay
• Screenwriters: Erica Tremblay and Miciana Alise
• Starring: Lily Gladstone, Isabel Deroy-Olson, and Michael Rowe
• Release Date: June 28, 2024

[iii] My Sister’s Keeper:

• Production Companies: Curmudgeon Films, Gran Via Productions, and Mark Johnson Productions
• Director: Nick Cassavetes
• Screenwriters: Jeremy Levens, Nick Cassavetes, and Jodi Picoult
• Starring: Cameron Diaz, Abigail Breslin, and Alec Baldwin
• Release Date: June 26, 2009

When I was a fairly young father with five kids, I had a crazy idea. Perhaps my wife, Janene, and I should become foster parents. I was good with kids. I liked to get down on their level and thought it could be a way of helping children who didn’t have a happy home. But that thought didn’t last. I didn’t even mention it to Janene. Our own children demanded too much of our time and energy. And I wondered if I had enough love to go around if I added another person to the family.

But as I thought about it, I realized that love is not like a jug of water that can only be spread so far. Instead, love is like an ever-flowing river that keeps expanding to fill every corner of our lives. As we added each child to our family, our love for our existing kids didn’t lessen; our love expanded to the new arrival.       

Many years later, my son, Scott, and his wife, Lauren, did what I hadn’t the courage to do—they fostered Dax. Soon, we fell in love with him, so Scott and Lauren adopted him. Then, they fostered Grace. They started out with no intention of adopting another child, as adding Dax to their other four children made the full house even fuller. But like Dax, we soon fell in love with Grace, and Scott and Lauren adopted her. And like that river, our love expanded to envelop both of them.

I recently watched a sneak preview of the film Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot.[i] It is the true story of Possum Trot, a small East Texas town in which Donna and Reverend WC Martin begin fostering children and then urge the members of their church to do the same. In all, 22 families fostered 77 children. Many of those ended in adoption. These were kids that nobody else would take.

Here is the official trailer for the film. Like the film itself, it is a bit preachy, but the message is an important one:

Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot premiers nationwide on July 4th. The title of this blog post comes from the film: “Love is kind, love protects, and love never gives up.” I saw that epitomized in Scott and Lauren as they added each child to their expanding family. It is never easy raising a child—any child—but it is especially true of foster children. The film points out that 70 percent of children in the foster system are there because of neglect. The other 30 percent have been put through hell, meaning abuse. Both Dax and Grace had gone through some of that hell. I watched Scott and Lauren slowly break down the barriers erected by abuse and abandonment. It wasn’t always easy. But as the old expression goes, love conquers all, and soon, that love—and patience—resulted in Dax and Grace first tolerating, then accepting, and then embracing their new family’s love.

I am not naïve enough to believe that all foster parents like Scott and Lauren are exceptional. We have all heard of abuses inflicted by foster parents. And not all foster kids can accept the love offered by even good foster parents. But often, a loving parent—foster or otherwise—can make a monumental difference in a child’s life. And there are too many children who still need a loving family. According to the National Council for Adoption, in 2022, there were 108,877 children waiting to be adopted.

I recently watched another film about fostering endangered kids. But the danger this time was not due to neglect or abuse. It was due to Nazi Germany. One Life[ii] tells the true story of Sir Nicholas Winton, a young English stockbroker who, immediately before the outbreak of World War II, rescued over 600 children from Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia, putting them in foster homes in Great Britain. Here is the trailer for this film:

Sir Winton’s challenges were far different from those faced by the foster parents of Possum Trot, Texas. He had to convince his government to transport them to England, get the necessary paperwork, and find enough foster families to take them. And he needed a team of faithful volunteers to help him. The film focuses on the agony Sir Winton experienced from not getting more children out of Czechoslovakia, but I kept thinking of the parents on both sides. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to let go of your child and send them to a foreign country, knowing you might never see them again. And how hard it was for those British families to take children sight unseen who don’t even speak the same language as you do and were raised in a totally different religion.

Through a popular British TV show, Sir Winton learned how his efforts made a difference in the lives of the 669 mostly Jewish children he saved and the over 6,000 descendants of them. Here is the closing scene from the film, showing the real Sir Winston and some of the children he rescued:

Both movies were hard for me to watch. Seeing the abuse inflicted on innocent children by abusive parents and Nazis is not a pleasant experience. But I also kept thinking about our son, Scott, who we recently lost due to mental illness, and our daughter-in-law, Lauren, and the challenges she now faces as a single parent of six children. However, like the Possum Trot community, extended family and friends are rallying around Lauren and her children, and we will do our best to fill the void left by Scott. We know it won’t be easy, but most of the things in life worth doing are not easy.

I am grateful for my loving parents, who provided me with love and protection and never gave up on me despite my shortcomings. And I am grateful for parents, siblings, extended family and friends everywhere who do the same.

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[i] Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot:

• Production Companies: Peacetree Productions and 3.16 Productions
• Director: Joshua Weigel
• Screenwriters: Joshua Weigel and Rebekah Weigel
• Starring: Nika King, Demetrius Grosse, and Elizabeth Mitchell
• Release date: July 4, 2024

[ii] One Life:

• Production Companies: See-Saw Films, MBK Productions, and BBC Film
• Director: James Hawes
• Screenwriters: Lucinda Coxon, Nick Drake, and Barabara Winton
• Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Lena Olin, and Johnny Flynn
• Release date: January 1, 2024

Emilie Ford once said, “It’s like you have two brains, a rational brain and an irrational brain. And they’re constantly fighting.” She was talking about obsessive-compulsive disorder.

As many of you know, May is mental health awareness month. With family members suffering from depression and bipolar disorder, I have learned a lot through the years about dealing with those mental diseases. And they are diseases, just as much as cancer or diabetes. Those who suffer from mental illnesses can’t help it. They shouldn’t be shamed or stigmatized. And telling them to “just buck up” isn’t helpful; it’s no different from telling a cancer patient to “just kill the bad cells.”

This month, I have tried to broaden my awareness of mental illnesses by looking into obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD. According to the Mayo Clinic, a person with OCD has obsessions, compulsions, or both. OCD obsessions are unwanted thoughts that you can’t get out of your head that cause distress and anxiety. They usually intrude when you’re trying to think of or do other things. OCD compulsions are repetitive behaviors that you feel driven to do. These repetitive behaviors are intended to reduce the anxiety related to your obsessions, but they rarely bring pleasure and only limited, if any, relief from the stress. These compulsions are beyond reason and often don’t even relate to the issue they are intended to fix. But as I always say, in connection with mental illness, the phobia is irrational, but the pain is real.

Most of us know someone who is suffering from OCD. They are the ones who are fixated on germs and wash their hands incessantly. Or, everything has to be neat and in a particular order. We often think of these people as quirky or even cute. But it is more than that. Much more. Washing your hands over and over and over again until they are raw and bleeding is not just quirky. Checking doors over and over and over again to make sure they are locked is more than just being cute. These compulsions are debilitating, and although intended to ease the sufferer’s obsessive thoughts, they rarely do. Instead, the person’s thoughts continue to spiral down in a parade of horribles until they can barely function. Or, as J.J. Keeler describes it, “OCD is not a disease that bothers; it is a disease that tortures.”

You say you don’t know anyone suffering from OCD? Perhaps you are familiar with these celebrities who suffer from it: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Howie Mandel, Cameron Diaz, David Beckham, Charlize Theron, Penelope Cruz, Charlie Sheen, and Alec Baldwin, to name just a few.

The recent movie Turtles All the Way Down[i] is a terrific depiction of someone suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is based on the young adult book of the same name written by John Green, and he should know, as he suffers from OCD. Aza Holmes (played by Isabela Merced) is obsessed with the microbes inhabiting her body. She can’t get her mind off them to the point that they all but wreck her budding romance with Davis (played by Felix Mallard). I mean, how can she even kiss the guy and allow all the microbes in his mouth to invade her body? Here is the trailer for the film:

As Aza describes it, imagine being stuck in your head all the time with no way out. Turtles All the Way Down is currently streaming on Max.

One of the more famous sufferers of OCD was Howard Hughes. The Aviator[ii]tells his life story and stars Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes. DiCaprio, a fellow sufferer of OCD, intentionally allowed his OCD to worsen during the filming to make his portrayal of Hughes more realistic. Mission accomplished, as evidenced by this scene from the film:

I grew up in a high-demand religion that encouraged its members to strive for perfection. I am all for bettering oneself, but if the goal is perfection and we fall short, which all of us eventually will, what is the result? It could lead to a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder known as scrupulosity. Stated simply, scrupulosity is fear of not being good enough. It usually manifests itself in a religious or moral setting.

Psychologist Debra Theobald McClendon explains it this way:

“For members of the [Mormon] Church with scrupulosity, obsessive-compulsive anxiety bullies its way into their religious life by relentlessly plaguing them with pathological, toxic guilt and inducing them to believe that this guilt comes from the Spirit. As a result, elements of personal worship get hijacked by the anxiety. Prayer, scripture study, and church and temple attendance often no longer bring feelings of peace or a connection with the Spirit because they are generally done out of fear of punishment and create feelings of condemnation. Religious focus tends to become narrow and trivial; religious practice gets extreme; and behaviors such as praying and confessing become repetitive, persistent, and unwanted compulsions that cause a lot of distress.”

Whether full-blown scrupulosity or just feelings of inadequacy, many members of the Church don’t feel like they measure up. Speaking to that issue, Patricia Holland, at the time the president of the women’s group of the Church, said to the women of the Church:

“[T]he Lord has created us with different personalities, as well as differing degrees of energy, interest, health, talent, and opportunity…. We should celebrate these divine differences, knowing they are a gift from God. We must not feel so frightened, so threatened and insecure; we must not need to find exact replicas of ourselves in order to feel validated as women of worth…. We can become so sidetracked in our compulsive search for identity and self-esteem that we really believe it can be found in having perfect figures or academic degrees or professional status, or even absolute motherly success. Yet, in so searching externally, we can be torn from our true internal, eternal selves. We often worry so much about pleasing and performing for others that we lose our uniqueness – that full and relaxed acceptance of one’s self as a person of worth and individuality.”

So, what should we do if we suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder or its subset, scrupulosity? As with all illnesses, especially those affecting our mental health, remember that we can rarely cure ourselves. The most effective treatment is a combination of medication and psychotherapy. And if you suffer from scrupulosity, remember that ecclesiastical leaders are not professionally trained mental health experts. But keep in mind that most people suffering from OCD are never fully cured. However, with professional help, the symptoms can be controlled sufficiently to live a productive life.

If you know someone suffering from OCD, encourage them to get the help they need without judgment or shame. Most of all, love them, for as Aza’s best friend Daisy in Turtles All the Way Down tells her, “You’re the most fascinating person I’ve ever known. I love you.”

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[i] Turtles All the Way Down:

• Production Companies: Temple Hill Entertainment and New Line Cinema
• Director: Hannah Marks
• Screenwriters: John Green, Elizabeth Berger, and Isaac Aptaker
• Starring: Isabela Merced, Cree, and Judy Reyes
• Release date: May 2, 2024

[ii] The Aviator:

• Production Companies: Forward Pass, Appian Way, IMF Internationale Medien und Film GmbH & Co. 3.Produktions KG
• Director: Martin Scorsese
• Screenwriter: John Logan
• Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, and Kate Beckinsale
• Release date: December 25, 2004