About a year ago, a craze swept the world: arguing whether this dress is blue or gold:

To me, the dress is clearly gold; to my daughter, it is clearly blue. We both swore we were right, and nothing either of us said could convince the other of bad eyesight. Truth is like that. Actual truth is largely irrelevant (the manufacturer claims the dress is really blue, although I don’t believe him); it is our perception of truth that really matters. That perception is the result of one’s prior experiences (or in the case of the famous dress, physical differences in the viewers’ eyes). And this is where we sometimes get into trouble. Different persons will interpret facts differently, based on their own prior experiences, which leads one person to question the knowledge, sincerity or credibility of the other.

The movie, The Truman Show,* tells the story of Truman Burbank, an insurance adjuster, who is an ordinary man living an ordinary life – or at least that’s his perception. The reality is, the place where Truman lives is a large TV studio with hidden cameras everywhere. All the people around him are really just actors playing parts in a reality TV show. But Truman’s reality is real to him, and that’s what matters. It is the only life he has ever known, being born on the TV show. For Truman’s truth (reality) to change, his perception of his life must change. Here is the final scene of the movie where Truman changes his perception of his entire life, and thus changes his truth:

If we want to change the world, then, we need to change our own or others’ perceptions of the world. Here are some examples from psychological studies of how our perceptions about ourselves can change the “truth” about ourselves:

• Japanese researchers blindfolded 13 students and told them their right arms were being rubbed with poison ivy. The right arm of all these students broke out in a rash, even though the plant used was just a harmless plant, not poison ivy. More remarkable, the researchers rubbed actual poison ivy on the left arms of these same 13 students but told them it was a harmless plant. Only two of the students’ left arms broke out in a rash, although all were highly allergic to poison ivy.
• Half of the cleaning staffs at seven different hotels were told how many calories their daily activities burned, and that vacuuming was similar to a cardio workout. The other half of these staffs were told nothing. During the study, those who had been primed to think of their work as exercise actually lost weight and their cholesterol levels dropped, even though they did no exercise outside of their work.
• A group of Asian women were given similar math tests on two separate occasions. Before the first test, these women were told to think about the fact that they were women taking a math test (and so, according to the stereotype, worse at math than men). Before the second test, they were to focus on the fact that they were Asian (and again according to the stereotype, better at math than other ethnic groups). These women performed far better on the second test than the first.

As Christof, the creator of The Truman Show in the movie says, “We accept the reality of the world in which we’re presented. It’s as simple as that.”

One potential problem with simply accepting the reality presented to us is that those perceptions often result in self-fulfilling prophecies. Because perceptions lead us to see the world in a certain way, we look for proof that our perceptions are accurate. Psychologists call this “confirmation bias.” The movie, Truth** portrays the attempts of newsman, Dan Rather, and his producer, Mary Mapes, to bring down a sitting U.S. President, running for re-election, by breaking the story that George W. Bush had gone AWOL while serving in the Texas Air National Guard. There was only one problem: the story was untrue. Rumors were flying that, thirty years previously, President Bush had joined the Texas Air National Guard to avoid the draft, and as the son of a former congressman who later became U.S. President, had received special treatment by the Guard. All Rather and Mapes needed to do was find evidence the rumors were true. Here is a short clip from the movie that sets out Mapes’ point of view from the outset of their investigation:

Mapes didn’t like men who abused their power. She saw President Bush as one of those, and set out to find the evidence that would confirm her perception of him.

Mapes and Rather found their evidence in memos written by Bush’s commanding officer, Jerry Killian, who was now conveniently dead. These memos showed Bush disobeying Killian’s direct orders to fulfill even minimal requirements of the Guard, followed by pressure from those higher up the command chain to let the infractions slide. But these memos were supposedly written in 1972, before the development of word processors, and a close look at the memos showed the words were proportionately spaced (which was impossible using the typewriters of the day). In addition, the memos were written in fonts that did not exist in 1972. And then it got worse. Another journalist noted that one of the memos mentions a commanding officer who had already retired. Another had an old address that Bush had stopped using before the memo was supposedly written. Killian’s entire family expressed doubt about their legitimacy. Even some of the experts that CBS had used to review the memos raised some concerns, but Rather, Mapes and all of CBS ignored them. As good reporters, Mapes and Rather should have easily noticed the flaws in their “evidence” but they didn’t because they had already concluded that President Bush was “guilty” and so saw the memos only from that perspective.

In the recent movie, The Girl on the Train,*** the suspense of the entire movie is based on perceptions of the truth versus actual reality. Since many of you might not have seen it yet, I won’t give away any of the details, but here is a scene where  Rachel (the girl on the train) and Detective Riley of the police have different perspectives about the same event:

You’ll have to see the movie (or read the book) to learn whose perspective is the accurate one, but both characters look for evidence that their perspective is the right one. Watch The Girl on the Train and watch or re-watch The Truman Show from the perspective of perspectives, and you’ll see how the truth changes when the characters’ perspectives change.

Unfortunately our actions are often no different than these movie characters. We are so intent on finding the evidence to prove our assertions that we often miss things that are right in front of us. Psychologists call this inattentional or perceptional blindness. A famous psychology experiment consists of a video of some athletes standing in a circle passing a basketball. Participants watching the video are asked to count the number of times the basketball is passed between two of the athletes. As the video progresses, the task gets a harder when the athletes start switching places as they pass the basketball. After the video ends, the experimenter asks the participants how many passes they had counted. Then the experimenter asks what else they noticed in the video. Usually, the participants don’t notice anything else. What about the man in the gorilla suit who stands in the middle of the circle beating his chest? No one ever sees him. The experimenter plays back the video, and the participants are dumbfounded to now plainly see the gorilla they had missed before. When we take confirmation bias and add to it perceptional blindness, suddenly our perceptions of truth can lead us very far from reality.

So the next time you are talking to a family member, friend, neighbor or work associate about religion, politics or any other subject, and you think you are speaking THE TRUTH, remember the other person most-likely feels the same way about their side. Because everyone is different, with different backgrounds and experiences, our perceptions of truth are different. If you want to change someone’s truth, you must change that person’s perceptions. And that starts with understanding where the other person is coming from. But before you go about changing the world by changing others’ perceptions, keep in mind one of my favorite sayings, “Beware of half-truths, for you might have the wrong half.”

*The Truman Show

• Production: Paramount Pictures, Scott Rudin Productions
• Directed: Peter Weir
• Screenplay: Andrew Niccol
• Starring: Jim Carrey, Ed Harris and Laura Linney
• Release Date: October 9, 1998

**Truth

• Production: Sony Pictures Classics, Echo Lake Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment
• Directed: James Vanderbilt
• Screenplay: James Vanderbilt (based on the book by Mary Mapes)
• Starring: Cate Blanchett, Robert Redford, and Dennis Quaid
• Release Date: October 30, 2015

***The Girl on the Train

• Production: Amblin Entertainment; DeamWorks SKG; and Marc Platt Productions
• Directed: Tate Taylor
• Screenplay: Erin Cressida Wilson (based on the book by Paula Hawkins)
• Starring: Emily Blunt, Haley Bennett, and Rebecca Ferguson
• Release Date: October 7, 2016

Other resources:

• Achor, The Happiness Advantage, Crown Business (Random House), 2010
• McCardle, The Up Side of Down: Why Failing Well is the Key to Success, Viking Penguin, 2014
• Covey, The Divine Center, Bookcraft, 1982
• Banyai, Zoom, Viking, 1995

My father-in-law, Don Harris, had many sayings about life. One of his favorites was, “Trials and tribulations are mandatory; misery is optional.” He also liked to say, “Reality is for real.” Everyone’s life is filled with problems, some large, some small. As Forrest Gump would say, “It happens,” even when we don’t deserve it. And sometimes we turn small problems into large ones all by ourselves. It’s not avoiding trials that make us stronger; it’s what we do with the trials we face. As Henry Ward Beecher once said, “A cobweb is as good as the mightiest cable when there is no strain upon it.” So appreciate your problems. They are mandatory in this life. But misery is not. As the old sayings go, instead of crying over spilt milk, adopt the philosophy that a smile is a curve that will straighten out almost anything. Victor Frankl said it this way, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.” Nietzche boiled it down to this: “He who has a WHY to live can bear almost any HOW.”

But effectively facing our challenges is not always easy to do. When it comes to dealing with the potholes of life’s highway, here are some great lessons I have learned from watching movies.

1. Life is hard but we can do hard things. The movie, Unbroken,* tells the true story of Louis Zamperini, who survives 47 days in a raft after his plane is shot down during World War II, only to be caught by the Japanese navy and sent to a prisoner-of-war camp, where he faces atrocity after atrocity inflicted by a sadistic Japanese officer. In this scene, Zamperini is first beaten by the Japanese officer, who then forces each of the other POWs to punch Zamperini in the face.

Like Zamperini, each of us has an amazing capacity to do hard things when we have to. If you think back over your own life, you’ll probably remember a time or two when, at the time, you were sure you couldn’t take any more, but somehow you did.

2. Don’t say, “Why me? Say, “Why not me? Soul Surfer** is the true story of 13 year-old Bethany Hamilton, a champion surfer who is attacked by a shark and loses her left arm. She must re-learn everything using only one arm. In this scene, she wonders why her life had to change so radically. “Why me?” is a question we often ask when things go wrong:

When bad things happen to me or my family, I try to find someone else who is struggling with something much harder than what I’m facing. And that someone is usually pretty easy to find. Looking at others has at least two important effects. First, it helps me be grateful that my challenge is not worse than it is. I realize I can handle my own challenge much easier than I can handle someone else’s. So instead of asking why is this happening to me, I tell myself, well, why not me; this is a challenge I can deal with. Second, and perhaps more important, seeing others with challenges helps me focus on helping them rather than feeling sorry for myself.

3. Use adversity as a chance to reassess and start over. Facing challenges usually brings along with it some kind of change – a change in a relationship, a new physical or mental challenge, or perhaps the loss of a job. Up in the Air*** is a movie about a group of consultants who are hired to do the dirty work of downsizing corporations – firing employees. In this scene, Ryan Bingham (played by George Clooney) gives us some great advice about how to turn a job loss into something positive (sorry about the language):

4. Focus on the big picture. In the original Karate Kid,**** Daniel, to protect himself from the local bullies, begins to learn karate from his teacher, Mr. Miyagi. But rather than practice karate, Mr. Miyagi makes Daniel do chores around his house. He first must wash and wax all of Mr. Miyagi’s classic cars. Then he must sand his floors, stain the fence and paint his house. In frustration, Daniel complains to Mr. Miyagi, who then shows Daniel what has really been happening in this classic scene from the movie:

Like Daniel, we often see only the trial, task or problem right in front of us. It’s like a huge boulder is placed right in front of our eyes that we can’t see around. But by somehow finding the broader perspective, we realize we are gaining strength and learning skills that will help us later in life. Daniel finally realizes the tasks Mr. Miyagi has him do are not just work, but by doing them, he is learning all the major defensive moves of karate. In Soul Surfer, Bethany relies on guts and God to learn to surf again, and even competes in the national surfing championships. But more importantly, over time, she gains perspective. She realizes she can help others who are facing their own great challenges, concluding, “Surfing isn’t the most important thing in life. Love is. I’ve had the chance to embrace more people with one arm than I ever could with two.” So look for the big picture, but remember TTT (things take time). It may be years or even an entire lifetime before we develop the proper perspective about our experiences.

5. Don’t try to go it alone. Louis Zamperini had his fellow POWs. Bethany had her family and God. Daniel had Mr. Miyagi. Each had someone to help them through their challenges. Burdens are lighter when there is someone sharing them. In Me Before You,***** Lou Clarke is hired by the family of Will Traynor, who, after a tragic accident, is a quadriplegic and has lost his will to live. Although she starts out as just an employee of Will’s family, her effervescent personally turns Lou’s and Will’s relationship from simple caregiver, to friends, to love, to the point where Will almost feels normal again. Will sums up their relationship by saying, “You are pretty much the only thing that makes me wanna get up in the morning.” Here is one of my favorite scenes:

The miserable, like misery, loves company. When life is getting us down, let’s find a teacher, a friend, a lover, and even God to share the burden. Better yet, let’s be that teacher, friend or lover who is willing to help bear others’ burdens. And remember my father-in-law’s motto for life: Smile always, except when laughing.

*Unbroken

Production: 3 Arts Entertainment, Jolie Pas, and legendary Entertainment

Directed: Angelina Jolie

Screenplay: Joel Cohen and Ethan Coen

Starring: Jack O’Connell, Miyavi, and Domhnall Gleeson

Release Date: December 25, 2014

**Soul Surfer

Production: Enticing Entertainment, Island Film Group and Brookwell-McNamara    Entertainment

Directed: Sean McNamara

Screenplay: Sean McNamara and Deborah Schwartz

Starring: AnnaSophia Roob, Dennis Quaid and Helen Hunt

Release Date: April 8, 2011

***Up in the Air

Production: Paramount Pictures, Cold Spring Pictures and DreamWorks Pictures

Directed: Jason Reitmann

Screenplay: Jason Reitmann (based on the novel by Walter Kirn)

Starring: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick

Release Date: December 23, 2009

***Karate Kid

Production: Columbia Pictures Corporation, Jerry Weintraub Productions and Delphi Films

Directed: John g. Avildsen

Screenplay: Robert Mark Kamen

Starring: Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita and Elizabeth Shue

Release Date: June 22, 1984

*****Me Before You

Production: MGM, New Line Cinema, Sunswept Entertainment

Directed: Thea Sharrock

Screenplay: Jojo Moyes

Starring: Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin

Release Date:  June 3, 2016

I have been blessed to have had many great formal educational experiences in my life. I am grateful for many school teachers who loaded my brain with knowledge. More importantly, I give thanks for those teachers who taught me how to think and to challenge conventional wisdom. And although I will always be indebted to great school teachers, the older I get, the more I especially appreciate one the greatest teachers of all – experience. Experience is the only thing most people get out of life. Unlike book learning, we almost always remember the lessons we learn from experience, especially when things do not go as planned. Said another way, we tend to learn a lot more from our failures than from our successes.

One of my many concerns about our current world is our paranoia over allowing those we love to fail. We give our kids trophies for merely participating in youth sports because we are too afraid they can’t handle not winning. We have become a nation of helicopter parents, as we hover over our children, not allowing them to experience the consequences of their decisions – if we let them make a decision at all. Megan McCardle, in her book, The Upside of Falling Down,* describes it this way:

This new generation was brought up to believe that there should be no winners and no losers, no scrubs or MVPs. Everyone, no matter how ineptly they perform, gets a trophy.

McCardle points out some of the ramifications of this. One survey found that more than 45 percent of college freshmen had graduated high school with an A average. One high school had over 30 valedictorians because no one wanted to make a distinction among the kids. In poor schools, kids who can’t read are passed through to the next grade because it’s too much trouble – and an embarrassment for the teacher – to hold them back. But unfortunately, the world is different. There are winners and losers. The winners excel by setting themselves apart from the rest. The losers also set themselves apart for the rest, but the result is often the loss of a job, or worse, a loss of self-respect.

            As an old geezer, I realize we learn best through trial and error, especially when we fail, or at least when we get honest, accurate feedback. The movie, Ray,** tells the life story of Ray Charles, who started to lose his sight at age four as the result of glaucoma. He was totally blind by the age of seven. Under those circumstances, it would have been understandable for Ray’s mother, Aretha, to become a helicopter mom to Ray, hovering over him and helping him with (or actually doing for him) anything and everything he needed. But instead, as dramatized in this scene, Aretha let Ray fend for himself – and that made all the difference.

Currently, my favorite all-time movie is Slumdog Millionaire.*** There are many lessons I have learned from watching that movie (I will discuss some of those other lessons in later posts). But one great lesson from the movie is experience is the best teacher. Slumdog Millionaire is the story of Jamal Malik, an 18 year-old orphan from the slums of India, who plays India’s version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” Jamal, who has no formal education, is able to answer the game show questions by remembering certain experiences of his young life. In this clip, Jamal answers the second question by remembering how he became an orphan.

Let’s not be afraid to try and to fail, for every time you try and don’t succeed, you become an expert on at least one thing not to do.  As Aldous Huxley said it, “Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.” So try, fall down,  and get back up. Repeat as necessary.

*Megan McCardle, The Up Side of Falling Down: Why Failing Well is the Key to Success, Viking, 2014.

**Ray

Production: Universal Pictures, Bristol Bay Productions, and Anvil Films

Directed: Taylor Hackfield

Screenplay: Taylor Hackfield, James L. White

Starring: Jamie Foxx, Regina King, and Kerry Washington

Release Date: October 29, 2004

***Slumdog Millionaire

Production: Warner Bros., Celador Films, and Film4

Directed: Danny Boyle and Loveleen Tandan

Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy (based on the novel by Vikas Swarup)

Starring: Dev Patel, Frieda Pinto, and Saurabh Shukla

Release Date: December 25, 2008

Throughout our entire lives we seem to be looking forward to the next milestone. When we are children, we can’t wait until we can drive a car. When we are in school, we look forward to graduation, finding a career, getting married and then starting a family. Soon we long for the day when all our kids are potty-trained, then old enough to babysit themselves, and finally when they all have left the nest. We then look forward to grandchildren. With all of those events in my own rearview mirror, I now can’t wait until retirement and my next phase of life. It is important to our happiness to have something to look forward to – and strive for – but sometimes we are so focused on the next milestone that we forget to slow down and just enjoy where we are for a while. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We are always getting ready to live, but never living.”

A timeless movie for high school students of every generation is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off*, in which high school student Ferris decides it’s time (again) to take a day off from school despite what his parents, teachers or especially his school principal might think about that. Looking back to my high school days, I now wish I had had the guts to skip a day of school, although I admit I never wanted my kids to do the same; I didn’t want them to be irresponsible. But maybe it’s irresponsible for us not to occasionally take a day off school, work or whatever else is stressing us out and just enjoy ourselves for a day.  Here’s Ferris’ philosophy, and it’s a good one, at least this part: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Life really does move fast. We have endless lists of things to do, for ourselves and for our kids. We are bombarded by social media on every side. And if we aren’t actually accomplishing goal after goal after goal, we are often looked upon by others as failures. All lives of every generation have stress, but I find it hard to believe that prior generations experienced the stressful lives we face today. And it will only get worse in the future as continued advances in technology make life that much  faster.

How can we stop (or at least slow down) and look around once in a while so we don’t miss life? The Great Outdoors** came out just a couple of years after Ferris. In my favorite scene, Chet Ripley (John Candy) has brought his family to a lakeside resort for a vacation. His brother-in-law, Roman Craig (Dan Aykroyd), drops in unexpectedly. While sitting on the porch of the cabin, Ripley and Craig have this great conversation:

Too often we are like Roman Craig. We see something only as what it could (or should?) someday become rather than just seeing something just for what it is – in this case trees. How do we slow life down and notice the little things that make life more worthwhile? Here are some simple suggestions:

1. Eat dinner together with the family around the table instead of in front of the TV.
2. Remember important dates like birthdays, anniversaries and graduations.
3. Unplug from the world of social media for at least an hour or two a day.
4. Learn to mediate.
5. Listen to water at the beach, a river, or the waterfall in your own swimming pool.
6. Focus on the sound and feel of a simple daily routine like brushing your teeth.
7. Change up your daily routine like taking a different way home from work.
8. Take a road trip without any itinerary and just see where you end up.
9. Do random acts of kindness.
10. Keep a gratitude journal.

Speaking of gratitude, here is the fun Thanksgiving dinner scene from Funny People*** that reminds us to both be grateful and enjoy the moment.

There is no time like the present, for these are the good old days the next generation will hear so much about. So let’s enjoy them – now!

*Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Production: Paramount Pictures

Director: John Hughes

Screenplay: John Hughes

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck and Mia Sara

Release Date: June 11, 1986

**The Great Outdoors

Production:Hughes Entertainment and Universal Pictures

Directed: Howard Deutch

Screenplay: John Hughes

Starring: John Candy, Dan Aykroyd and Stephanie Faracy

Release Date: June 17, 1988

***Funny People

Production: Universal Studios and Columbia Pictures

Directed: Judd Apatow

Screenplay: Judd Apatow

Starring: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Leslie Mann

Release date: July 31, 2009

When I hear the word “plastics” in connection with movies, I immediately think of two: The Graduate, where the neighbor of Ben Braddock (played by Dustin Hoffman) advises him that plastics are the key to a financially successful future, and Mean Girls, where the most-popular girls in the high school are referred to as the Plastics, which is really a reflection of their personalities. With school starting again, maybe it’s time to sit down with our high school age kids or grandchildren and watch or re-watch Mean Girls.

Looking back at my own high school experience, I tried my best to be accepted, even popular, with the “right” (meaning cool) crowd. By my senior year, though, that popularity and acceptance became less important to me, as I realized there really was life after high school, and that to be part of the cool crowd, you often had to give up your individuality by talking, dressing and acting (whether genuine of not) like everyone else in that crowd. The saddest thing, though, is cool crowds are often not that cool, because to become a member, you sometimes have to ignore, put down, and even belittle anyone outside the clique. I think what really happened to me in high school was, somewhere along the way, I realized I was OK with myself; that if I kept worrying about what other people thought of me, I was showing more confidence in their opinion than I had in my own.

I learned two important lessons from watching Mean Girls, where Cady Heron (played by Lindsay Lohan) attends public school for the first time. Previously, she had lived with her parents in Africa and was home schooled. At her new school, she befriends Janis and Damian, who warn her to avoid the Plastics, a clique of three rich girls, who reached queen bee status by bullying and gossiping about anyone who got in their way. But the Plastics take an interest in Cady, so Cady, Janis and Damian devise a plot for Cady to be assimilated into the clique for the purpose of bringing them down. The plan is working, except the Plastics have changed Cady. In this scene, Janis confronts Cady about not just becoming a part of the clique, but about actually becoming plastic:

It is sad that sometimes we think the only way we can be a part of a group or feel good about ourselves is by putting others down. It is especially sad when those put downs are based on hearsay or even lies. So the first lesson I learned from Mean Girls is to accept yourself for who your really are, despite what others might think about you. I love the character of Janis because, although different from most of the other students at school, she was comfortable with herself. Her message to all of us? Of all the different opinions people might have about you, the most important opinion is the one you have of yourself.

As a member of the Plastics clique, Cady learns of a “Burn Book,” a secret notebook kept by the Plastics containing rumors, secrets and gossip about other students and teachers at the school. As an act of revenge, the leader of the Plastics makes copies of the Burn Book and spreads its pages throughout the school. The result is chaos, distrust, shunning, and dissolved relationships that are not easily healed. Lesson two from Mean Girls, then, is really a corollary of lesson one: if we have a positive image of ourselves, we have no need to put down others, and worse, if we do engage in gossip, we are on a road of no return, for once the lies and putdowns are out in the open, there is no chance of taking them back.

One of the greatest demonstrations of the consequences of gossiping is found in this sermon delivered by Father Brendan Flynn (played by the late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman) in the movie, Doubt***:

 Whether at home, school or work, let’s remember the word told Ben Braddock in The Graduate: plastics; not so much as a road map to financial success, but as a reminder to cultivate a powerful image of ourselves, and a warning against cruelty to others.

Postscript to “Winning with Class” (my previous post on this blog): a terrific example of winning without any class is the recent movie, The Program****. It is the story of Lance Armstrong, America’s favorite and best-known cyclist, and how he won seven Tour De France competitions by cheating. Armstrong is still America’s best-known cyclist, but now he might be the world’s least favorite one.

*The Graduate

Production: MGM

Director: Mike Nichols

Screenwriter: Calder Willingham and Buck Henry (adapted from the book by Charles Webb)

Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft and Katharine Ross

Released: December 22, 1967

**Mean Girls

Production: Paramount Pictures

Director: Mark Waters

Screenwriter: Tina Fey (adapted from the book by Rosalind Wiseman)

Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Jonathan Bennett and Rachel McAdams

Released: April 30, 2004

***Doubt:

Production: Miramax

Director: John Patrick Shanley

Screenwriter: John Patrick Shanley

Starring: Meryl Streep, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams

Released: December 25, 2008

The Program:

Production: Anton Capital Entertainment, StudioCanal, Working Title Films

Director: Stephen Frears

Screenwriter: John Hodge (adapted from the book by David Walsh)

Starring: Ben Foster, Chris O’Dowd and Jesse Plemons

Released: March 18, 2016

I admit it, I’m an Olympics junkie. The real life drama of the games matches even the best dramatic movie. I tensed up every time the remarkable USA women’s gymnastics team went to stick a landing (you know, Gymnastics 101: fly high and stick the landing). I teared up along with Simone Manual as she came from behind to win the women’s 100 meter freestyle to become the first African-American to win a gold medal in swimming. My jaw dropped as I watched Joseph Schooling beat out Michael Phelps (and two other top, better known, swimmers) to win the men’s 100 meter butterfly, earning Singapore’s first gold medal in swimming – ever. And who didn’t smile when you saw the photo of Joseph Schooling, as a boy, with his Olympic hero Michael Phelps?

How did Phelps, the winner of 28 Olympic medals, 23 of which are gold, react to being beaten by someone he was a hero to? “I’m sure we’ve all seen the photo of Katie [Ledecky] and I when she was 9, 10 and the photo of Joe [Schooling] and I…. Being able to have that opportunity to change the sport and continue to change the sport is something I am looking forward to. Daring kids to dream, that’s the only reason why I’m sitting here. I was a little kid with a dream and it turned into a couple of medals, pretty good couple of years of swimming and I had a blast. So the more kids I can … help … just believe in themselves. Not to be afraid to know that the sky is the limit.”

The drama, though, didn’t always stay in the pool. I nodded in agreement when Lily King, the winner of the women’s 100 meter breaststroke, spoke to her biggest challenger, Yulia Efimova, who has tested positive five times for performance enhancement drugs: “You’ve been caught for drug cheating – I’m just not a fan.”  It’s interesting that this Olympic event occurred during the same week that Alex Rodriguez, who has repeatedly been suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, announced his retirement from baseball.

Written across the top of the gymnasium where my kids played high school basketball are the words, “Winning With Class.” I have always been impressed with that. In a sports world where in-your-face trash-talking has become the norm, I still (and always will) root for the humble athlete who is grateful for his or her God-given abilities and acknowledges greatness in the competition; who realize that winning against the competition is not as important as winning against yourself – putting in the time and effort to become the best athlete you can be. What does an athlete who wins a gold medal by using performance enhancing drugs really win? Maybe some hardware, but in my opinion, at the cost of one’s self-respect.

The movie, Without Limits,* is the true-life story of Steve Prefontaine, an American long distance runner who competed in the 1972 Olympics. He held the American records in seven different long-distance track events, from the 2,000 meters to the 10,000 meters, but who was tragically killed in a automobile accident at age 24. The eulogy given by his college coach Bill Bowerman (played by Donald Sutherland) summarizes the mind and heart of a true champion, in that how you win is more important than if you win:

  One of the best movies about the Olympics is Chariots of Fire,** which won the Oscar for best picture in 1982. It is the true story about two British sprinters who competed in the 1924 Olympics. Neither were favored in their respective events, but both won gold medals. Harold Abrahams uses his speed to overcomes obstacles he faced as a Jew. Eric Liddell, a devout Christian missionary in China, uses his running as an additional way to spread God’s word. In a key scene, using the background of the men’s 400 meters, a race he hadn’t even trained for, Eric explains why he runs to his sister, Jennie, who thinks Eric’s running only takes time away from his true calling:

Similarly, in the movie, Eddie the Eagle,*** Michael “Eddie” Edwards, the ultimate underdog, never stopped believing in himself. He takes on, first, the ski jump, then, the sports and political establishment, to earn a spot on Great Britain’s team at the 1988 Calgary Olympics. Eddie  knew he could never win an Olympic medal. Just making the team was good enough.

We should consider winning in life to be the same as winning in sports – the how we win is just as important as if we win. In the movie, The Rainmaker,**** young lawyer, Rudy Baker, realizes this when he says, “Every lawyer, at least once in every case, feels himself crossing a line that he doesn’t really mean to cross… it just happens… And if you cross it [the line] enough times it disappears forever. And then you’re nothin’ but another lawyer joke. Just another shark in the dirty water.”

Each of us has been blessed with some kind of talent or ability. Let’s be passionate about that ability, whatever it is, as we try to win the sport that is life. But let’s win with class – with humility, with respect for the competition, and with gratitude that we have been blessed with the abilities and opportunities we have. Some of us might become stars, like an Olympic champion. Others of us might be destined to just make the squad. But in either event, winning with class makes true winners of us all.

*Without Limits

Production: Cruise/Wagner Productions

Directed: Robert Towne

Screenplay: Robert Towne and Kenny Moore

Starring: Billy Crudup, Donald Sutherland and Monica Potter

Release Date: September 11, 1998

**Chariots of Fire

Production:

Directed: Hugh Hudson

Screenplay: Colin Welland

Starring: Ben Cross, Ian Charleston, Nicholas Farrell

Release Date: April 9, 1982

***Eddie the Eagle

Production: Marv Films, Saville Productions and Studio Babelsberg

Directed: Dexter Fletcher

Screenplay: Sean Macauley

Starring: Taron Egerton and Hugh Jackman

Release Date: February 26, 2016

****The Rainmaker

Production: Constellation entertainment, Douglas/Reuther Productions and American Zoetrope

Directed: Francis Ford Coppola

Screenplay: John Grisham and Francis Ford Coppola

Starring:  Matt Damon, Danny DeVito and Claire Danes

Release Date: November 21, 1997

There is an old saying: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Elephants are synonymous with being big. We have elephant ears and there’s an elephant in the room. Similarly, I believe in having big, elephant dreams. But sometimes those dreams can be overwhelming, and our failure in trying to reach our big dreams leads to discouragement and despair, which can paralyze us.

The Mask of Zorro* is a fun movie depicting the legend of Zorro (and you thought I was going to write about Dumbo!). That legend has Zorro traveling through the southwest of the United States righting wrongs, fighting evil, and, of course, attracting women. He may have been the original superhero. But Zorro was not always a gallant swashbuckler. The movie portrays the young Zorro as foolhardy and ineffective at his quest to foil villains. He attempts great feats, but the higher he flies, the farther he falls. And the more he falls, the more he feels as if the world around him is out of control.

But an old mentor, Don Diego, is there to save the day. He takes the young Zorro (still known as Alejandro at this point) who is suffering from drinking and despair, and begins to mold him, promising him that with dedication and time, Alejandro can be the master of his own fate. In a hidden cave, Don Diego places Alejandro within a small circle and tells him, “This circle will be your world. Your whole life. Until I tell you otherwise, there is nothing outside of it.” Here is a clip of this important scene from the movie:

Once Alejandro is able to master his new world (the small circle), Don Diego slowly, but steadily, increases the size of Alejandro’s world, and allows him to tackle greater and greater feats until he has become the legend that is Zorro. But without mastering that first circle, Alejandro had no control over his world – no real skill, no faith in his abilities, and no chance of reaching his dreams. In short, before Zorro could eat his big elephant of dreams, he had to chew it up one bite at a time.

Shawn Achor, in one of my favorite books, The Happiness Advantage**, talks about the “Zorro Circle” or a person’s circle of control. Achor states, “One of the biggest drivers of success is the belief that our behavior matters; that we have control over our future…. By first limiting the scope of our efforts, then watching those efforts have the intended effect, we accumulate the resources, knowledge and confidence to expand the circle, gradually conquering a larger and larger area.”

Anchor describes two interesting studies about people who feel they are in control (whether or not they actually are). In one study of 7,400 employees, those who believed they had little or no control over deadlines imposed by their supervisors or others had a 50 percent higher risk of heart disease than those who believed they maintained some control. In fact, the researchers concluded that feeling a lack of control at work is as great a risk factor for heart disease as high blood pressure.

In the other study, researchers found that, when they gave a group of nursing home residents more control over their daily lives – even something as simple as being in charge of their own house plants – their mortality rate actually dropped in half (and their happiness levels increased).

So dream dreams as big as elephants, but achieve those dreams one bite at a time. Starting wherever you’re at, find something over which you can exercise control, whether it’s as complex as running a multinational corporation, or as simple as planning tonight’s dinner. And as the clip of Zorro shows, sometimes you need to start out slowly, and very small, even as small as what is really inside your heart. But taking control of our circles, large or small, will make our lives more fulfilling – and happier. Who knows, maybe each of us will be able to unleash the Zorro inside of us, and be legends, if only in our own minds. But in our own minds is really all that matters.

_______________________________

*The Mask of Zorro

Production: TriStar Pictures, Amblin Entertainment, David Foster Productions

Director: Martin Campbell

Screenwriter: Johnston McCulley and Ted Elliott

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta-Jones

Released: July 17, 1998

**Achor, The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles, Crown Business, 2010

            It has been a hard week for the Dallas – Fort Worth area, as Micah Johnson, a black, former military reservist, shot and killed five Dallas police officers, apparently in response to shootings involving police officers and African-Americans in Minnesota and Louisiana. In all, Johnson killed five officers and wounded seven others, along with two civilians. Johnson claimed he hated white people, especially police officers, and decided to do something about it. The carnage finally ended when Dallas police detonated a robot armed with explosives, killing Johnson.

            Now it is time for us to do something about it. According to The Washington Post, 509 people have been shot by police in the United States so far this year. According to the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund, the Dallas shootings brought the number of law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty so far in 2016 to 56. So what can we do to stop this? There are no easy answers. No doubt there are police officers of every race and ethnicity who abuse the power of their badges. No doubt there are bad actors of every race and ethnicity who are a menace to society and who the police rightfully should be wary of. But the continued killing of African-Americans and police officers only breeds fear, which will lead to more shootings – and more deaths.

            “I hate white people,” reminds me of an experience I had in high school. I was talking with friends in the hall when my drama teacher walked by. She overheard me commenting that I “hated” a certain person. She stopped, turned to me, and pointed a finger at my nose and said, “There is no person in this world that you hate. If you think you feel that way, it is only because you don’t know that person well enough. If you would make the effort to get to know them, where they are coming from and why they do what they do, you might not end up being best friends, but you will at least end up respecting them for who they are.” Could improving race relations be as simple as that?

            Movies have taken on race relations for many years, and I have learned important lessons from them. Here are three of them:

            1.      Always try to see the circumstances from the other person’s viewpoint, or as Atticus Finch would say in To Kill a Mockingbird, don’t make judgments until you have walked around in another person’s shoes for a while. A Time to Kill* is the story of a young lawyer’s defense of a black man accused of murdering two men who raped his 10-year-old daughter. Here is a great scene from the movie that reminds us look at situations from a different perspective:

            2.      Never let peer pressure or social status influence how you really feel about someone. The Help** is set during the civil rights movement of the 1960s, and through the eyes of an aspiring writer, focuses on African-American maids who work for white families. Incredibly, those white families allowed their African-American maids to essentially raise their children, but won’t allow them to use the same toilets as they do. Here is one of my favorite scenes from the movie:

            3.      A person should be judged on who they are, not the color of their skin. This lesson is taught well in a locker room scene near the end of Remember the Titans***, the true story of a newly-appointed African-American high school football coach dealing with the first year of racial integration of the school:

            None of us individually will be able to solve the issues of race facing this country. But each of us can make a contribution by better understanding those we come in contact with each day, regardless of their color, ethnicity, religious affiliations, or political beliefs. Graeme Edge of the Moody Blues (yes, I’m that old), said it better than I could in his poem, The Balance. Notice he starts by looking at what he might have done to others, not what others had done to him:

And he thought of those he’d angered                                                                                                 For he was not a violent man.                                                                                                                And he thought of those he’d hurt                                                                                                         For he was not a cruel man.                                                                                                                     And he thought of those he’d frightened                                                                                             For he was not an evil man.                                                                                                                    And he understood.                                                                                                                                      He understood himself.                                                                                                                         Upon this, he saw that when he was of anger                                                                                      Or knew hurt or felt fear,                                                                                                                               It was because he was not understanding.                                                                                          And he learned compassion                                                                                                                     And with his eye of compassion,                                                                                                             He saw his enemies like unto himself.                                                                                                 And he learned love.

            Let’s be compassionate about becoming part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Maybe an easy place to start is by watching – and thinking about – movies that deal candidly with race. Here, in no particular order, are a baker’s dozen of my favorites:

1. To Kill a Mockingbird
2. The Help
3. Remember the Titans
4. A Time to Kill
5. 12 Years a Slave
6. Glory
7. Fruitvale Station
8. Gran Torino
9. Crash
10. In the Heat of the Night
11. Malcolm X
12. 42
13. The Long Walk Home

            The world needs less fear, and a lot more more understanding; less anger, and a lot more respect; less hate, and a lot more love. Let’s not let race divide us, for all lives matter.

*A Time to Kill

Production: Regency Enterprises and Warner Bros.                                                             Directed: Joel Schumacher                                                                                                         Screenplay: Akiva Goldsman (adapted from the novel by John Grisham)                       Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Samuel L. Jackson                                Release date: July 26, 1996

**The Help

Production: Dreamworks SKG, Reliance Entertainment, Participant Media                 Directed: Tate Taylor                                                                                                                    Screenplay: Tate Taylor (adapted from the novel by Kathryn Stockett)                          Starring: Emma Stone, Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer                                                         Release date: August 10, 2011

***Remember the Titans

Production: Jerry Bruckheimer Films, Run It Up Productions Inc., Technical Black, Walt Disney Pictures                                                                                                                                  Directed: Boaz Yakin                                                                                                                    Screenplay: Gregory Allen Howard                                                                                              Starring: Denzel Washington, Will Patton, Wood Harris                                                       Release date:  September 29, 2000

There are two topics you are never supposed to discuss because they usually lead to arguments: politics and religion. Although I graduated in political science on my way to law school, I became disillusioned with politics many years ago. I currently believe that, regardless of which party’s candidate is elected president, nothing will ever change much because both parties are hell-bent in defeating the agenda of the opposition by standing on “principle.” Religion is often the same. Regardless of your faith (or lack thereof), each of us is convinced that our way is the right way, and no amount of logic, reasoning or arguing the “truth” will convince us otherwise. And so we create litmus tests and draw lines in the sand regarding our truths, and warn others not to fail that test or cross that line if they want to be “one of us.”

The movie, Sophie’s Choice*, came out in 1982. I can’t remember much about the movie, other than Sophie, played by Meryl Streep, is a troubled woman. The one scene I will always remember, though, is near the end of the film when we learn why Sophie is so troubled. Sent to a Jewish concentration camp, she is required by a guard to pick which of her two children will be spared and which one must go to the gas chamber. If she refuses to pick one, the guard threatens to send both of her children to their deaths. So Sophie chooses her son over her daughter. Few scenes in any movie are more gut-wrenching than hearing Sophie’s little girl scream and call for her mother as the guards carry her away to her death. Here is the scene:

While not as dramatic as being held prisoner at gunpoint, do we sometimes put others in the position of having to make a Sophie’s choice? Sadly, many a family member or friend has been cast out because of religious or political beliefs, as we force them to sacrifice their principles or beliefs for inclusion in the group, or to sacrifice being part of the group to maintain their beliefs. I am all for principle, and standing up for what you believe. But that does not mean we cannot listen to, understand, and most importantly, respect the principles and positions of others. If we are going to fight for principle, let that principle be that everyone has the right to their own opinions and beliefs and should be respected for them, whether we agree with them or not.

Recently I have enjoyed listening to the music from the Broadway musical, Hamilton (since it is all but impossible to actually see it without taking out a mortgage to pay for overpriced tickets). One theme that has impressed me about Hamilton is how much our beloved Founding Fathers disagreed, argued, and yes, even fought with each other. But without giving up their principles and beliefs, they found a way to form a constitution and make a government work. The Founding Fathers developed the art of compromise: the process of giving and taking, changing and adjusting. They remained principled, yet practical. In fact, anyone who knows much about U.S. history acknowledges that the U.S. Constitution is largely the result of a series of compromises.

            Perhaps I am too idealistic to think that people today could effectively compromise when it comes to politics and religion (or just about any other topic). But we can avoid putting people in positions where they must make a Sophie’s choice. Let’s not lose a friend or a family member because he or she is Republican, Democrat, Socialist or Libertarian, or Catholic, born-again Christian, Mormon, Jew or atheist, or even because of one’s sexual preference.

            It all starts with tolerance. That word sometimes has a negative connotation, as it implies that we are right and the person we tolerate is wrong. But I think tolerance includes respect. Tolerance (and respect} leads to listening, which leads to understanding, which ultimately leads to love.

            I believe we can learn to truly love and respect the “sinner” without loving the “sin.” By doing so, there will be a lot less Sophie’s choices being made.

*Sophie’s Choice

            Production: Incorporated Television Company; Keith Barish Productions

            Directed: Alan J. Pakula

            Screenplay: William Styron and Alan J. Pakula

            Starring: Meryl Streep; Kevin Kline; and Peter McNichol

Tragedy strikes us all. It is a question of when, not if. And so, tragedy will strike those we love, those we care about, again and again. Some of the hardest things we must do in this life is to help family, friends, neighbors and even total strangers deal with a death, an accident, an illness or some other tragic event. We want to help. We want to ease pain. We want to show love. But most of the time, we don’t know what to say or do, and our feeble attempts at mourning, comforting or helping often do more harm than good.  Since we are unsure what to say to the person in crisis, we say things that help us more than them.

            A gem of a movie, that unfortunately few people ever saw, teaches us a great lesson here. Lars and the Real Girl* is purportedly about a shy, socially backward young man (Lars, wonderfully played by Ryan Gosling), who has difficulty with relationships in general, let alone knowing how to effectively deal with the opposite sex. So in part to get his sister-in-law off his back, he brings his new girlfriend to meet the family. There is only one problem. The girlfriend is not real; she is an anatomically correct, life-sized, blow-up doll named Bianca ordered off the internet. Here is the hilarious scene from the movie where Lars introduces his girlfriend to his brother and sister-in-law.

            But Lars and the Real Girl is not really about sexy blow-up dolls. It is the touching story of how a community joins together to help a young man deal with and conquer his demons. At first they laugh at him and his doll, but then realize they are not all that different from Lars, as each of them acknowledges their own quirks and issues. And as they learn to love and accept Lars, they learn to love and accept Bianca as if she were real, for in Lars’ mind, she is. Over time, Lars learns to deal rationally with real people, and as he does so, his need to rely on Bianca lessens. Bianca ultimately comes down with a terminal illness. As Bianca teeters on death’s door, Lars is visited by friends and neighbors in this scene illustrating one of the best things we can do when tragedy strikes a loved one.

            “We came over to sit. That’s what people do when tragedy strikes. They come over to sit.” How true those words are – or at least they should be. In times of suffering, we often don’t need to say anything, really. Just bring our needlepoint, our knitting, and be with the person who is hurting.

            I recently heard some great advice on what to do for others who are mourning and in need of comfort. It’s called the three Hs to which I added a fourth:

            Hugs – you don’t need to say anything, just a simple gesture of love, like a hug will do. And remember, real men hug.

            Hang out – This is what the women in Lars and the Real Girl did. They just hung out. People in mourning or in crisis like and need to be around other people; they don’t necessary need or really want to interact with them.

            Hush up – Offering hollow platitudes don’t really help. For example, a person whose spouse suddenly dies leaving behind a stay-at-home mom with three children, one of them battling cancer and a stroke, does not really care to hear that “God must have needed him more on the other side.” Whether statements like that are true or not (as if we really know anyway) are not particularly comforting to the person who is wondering how God could have taken her husband at a time when she needed him most.

            Help – When you see something that needs to be done, step in and do it. Don’t ask if there is anything you can do to help, just do it. Often a person in crisis or tragedy is paralyzed. They know there are many things that need to be done, but they can’t remember most of them or even how to do them, if they do remember them at all. I have seen persons in time of crisis who can’t remember even how to use the phone. So make the calls for them. Arrange for food. Cut the lawn. Do something.

            A final thought. My sister suddenly died when she was 17 (I was 12 at the time) from a heart condition. Needless to say, my mother was devastated. Family, friends, neighbors and church members rallied around us – for about three weeks. Then their own lives took precedence again, and they largely disappeared. We were left alone. We don’t blame them, for life really does go on. But that was the hardest part for Mom – the time after the initial shock of the tragedy wore off. So go over and sit with friends in need. Just remember, people need us throughout the entire grieving process.

But for the grace of God go I.

*Lars and the Real Girl

Production: MGM, Sidney Kimmel Entertainment, and Lars Productions

Directed: Craig Gilespie

Screenplay: Nancy Oliver

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Emily Mortimer, Paul Schneider and Patricia Clarkson