When I see the number 42, I am immediately reminded that 42 was the number Jackie Robinson wore on his baseball uniform when he broke the racial barrier in major league baseball on April 15, 1947. Now, on April 15 of each year, every player of every major league team wears number 42 in Robinson’s honor. But this year, if I had a Robinson jersey, I would have worn it on August 28th. You see, this past Monday marks 42 years of marriage for my wife, Janene, and me. Or as I like to say, “I became alive in 1975.” Being married to my wife for 42 years is one of the things I am most proud of, and putting up with me for 42 years is one of my wife’s greatest accomplishments. I like the way Ed Howe said it: “No woman falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.” Or in the words of a sports fan, I clearly out-kicked my coverage.

Love often leads to marriage, but sadly almost as often to divorce, as almost 50 percent of marriages now end in divorce. Said another way, the world would be a better, happier place if love were as easy to keep as it is to make.

So what’s the secret to a long relationship with someone you love? Romantic comedies can be unrealistic and sometimes downright boring, but occasionally they teach us about love and relationships. Here are three truths I have learned from watching them:

1. Do whatever is necessary for your partner to fall (and stay) in love with you each and every day. Admittedly, you can’t force someone to love you. I know. I’ve tried and failed several times. But sometimes you might be able to influence a love interest to lean a little in your direction. In 50 First Dates,[i] Henry falls for Lucy, but Lucy has short-term memory loss and repeatedly forgets him the very next day. Henry remains determined, though, and every day he works at getting Lucy to first notice him, and then fall in love with him. Here is one of my favorite scenes from the movie:

Few people have short-term memory loss the way Lucy did, so most of us have to worry less about hoping someone falls in love with us, and more about someone staying in love with us. I constantly ask myself if I am doing things each and every day to help keep the love alive between my wife and me. Do I treat her today with the same amount of respect, interest, concern and excitement as I did when we were dating? Or have I let work, church, kids, sports, friends or other interests become greater priorities than our partnership? I realize priorities can be tricky. We have to find balance in our lives among competing values. Too often, though, after the honeymoon, we allow the time we focus on our partners to become a smaller and smaller and smaller part of each day.

Spending time with and on our partners is critical, but the importance can’t always be measured simply in the amount of minutes or hours spent. I have found that sometimes a few minutes of uninterrupted focus with my wife is much more important (and therapeutic) than an hour together where we are constantly distracted by phone calls, social media or other interruptions.

2. It is easier to love in spite of faults than because of virtues. No one is perfect, and I believe no one is perfect for us when it comes to love and marriage. If we look for faults in our partner, we will always find them, as they will become as obvious as the nose on our partner’s face, as illustrated by this scene from Roxanne:[ii]

Finding your true soulmate rarely happens. Circumstances are never perfect. As we learn from Notting Hill,[iii] there will always be reasons to say no to love:

I believe in the importance of compatibility, but marrying your best friend doesn’t always result in a great marriage – and is certainly no guarantee for passion. Finding the “right” mate involves finding someone you can generally get along with, but also someone who turns you on. Maybe the best we can hope for is to find someone who excites us and loves us for whom we are and not some perfect person they want us to become. And interestingly, a person who loves us just the way we are, without saying a word, often motivates us to be a better person:

I love the message of that clip. Wanting to become a better person for our partner is one of the best compliments we can give them.

3. A long-lasting relationship with somebody, usually requires a long-lasting relationship with somebodies. Whether we like it or not, when we marry, we not only marry our partner, we marry our partner’s family. And if it happens to be a second marriage with kids involved, it gets even more complicated. The Big Sick[iv] is a newly-released, charming movie about how a Pakistani-American comedian and an all-American young woman fall in love. But the comedian’s parents, immigrants from Pakistan, insist on their son following the Muslim tradition of arranged marriages. On the other hand, the comedian, although raised in America, is not entirely familiar with the culture of an American family, as illustrated by this scene:

What do we do, then, if we fall in love with someone with a different racial or cultural background, or even a different economic experience than ourselves? The best thing we can do is realize that different does not mean inferior, it’s just – different. And there can be great strength in diversity. Take the time to learn the history and culture of your partner’s family and embrace those parts of it that are beautiful and good. Listen and learn. Remember that listen and silent are spelled with the same letters.

But even without any language, ethnic or cultural barriers, extended family members can be troublesome sometimes. Take a look at this scene from Notting Hill:

How do you deal with bizarre in-laws? Someone once said a man shouldn’t be judged by the company he keeps, especially if they are his in-laws. And often, it’s not the by-laws of marriage that causes most domestic troubles – it’s the in-laws. One solution would be to move out-of-town! I often joke that I took a job in another city after I graduated partly to put some space between my mother and my family. But joking aside, I found our relationship worked better at a distance. Weekly phone calls and semiannual visits was just enough contact to keep all of us happy. I realize now what I was doing was tacitly setting up working boundaries between us. Sometimes, at the beginning of a relationship, we are so intent on being acceptable to extended family members that we let them walk all over us. But workable boundaries need to be set near the beginning of a relationship – but in a nice way. Sometimes we need to do as Julia Roberts did in the previous scene and just smile and go with it. And always remember, most of the quirky or threatening things extended family members do is more about them, and less about you. Tell yourself, that’s just the way they are. If something an in-law does makes you feel you are not accepted or good enough, talk to your partner or even the siblings of your partner. Chances are your in-laws have been that way their entire lives and treat their own children, their spouses or other extended family members the very same way they are treating you. But regardless, I have learned that if you treat them calmly with love and respect, in their own way, they will treat you with love and respect in return.

But what if children are involved, especially minor children? With in-laws and extended family, you can always move, or at least get away to your own home. But those minor children are going to go with you wherever you go. I have no experience in this area, so I have to draw on the experience of others – and movies of course. In Dan in Real Life,[v] Dan, a widower with three minor daughters, falls in love with his brother’s girlfriend. But he realizes that his daughters are more important to him than his love life:

You can never go wrong with honest conversations with your children. Let them know how you feel about someone, and let them express how they feel. Perhaps surprisingly, children want to be happy and feel secure, but they also want the same for you. So make your new love interest a family affair. Help your children realize this new beginning for you is also a new beginning for them, without necessarily destroying the old.

Well, it’s time to get off my soapbox. Thanks, dear readers, for listening. I would love to hear what your favorite romantic comedies are, and any tips you might have for dealing with love, marriage and all that goes with it.

And here’s to you, Janene, for 42 wonderful years of marriage, and hopefully, for at least 42 more.

[i] 50 First Dates

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison Productions, Anonymous Content
• Director: Peter Segal
• Screenwriter: George Wing
• Starring: Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore
• Release date: February 13, 2004

[ii] Roxanne

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures
• Director: Fred Schepisi
• Screenwriter: Steve Martin
• Starring: Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah
• Release date: June 19, 1987

[iii] Notting Hill

• Production Company: Polygram Filmed Entertainment, Working Title Films
• Director: Roger Mitchell
• Screenwriter: Richard Curtis
• Starring: Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts
• Release date: May 28, 1999

[iv] The Big Sick

• Production Company: Apatow Productions, FilmNation Entertainment, Story Ink
• Director: Michael Showalter
• Screenwriter: Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani
• Starring: Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter and Ray Romano
• Release date: July 14, 2017

[v] Dan in Real Life

• Production Company: Touchstone Pictures, Focus Features, Jon Shestack, Productions
• Director: Peter Hedges
• Screenwriter: Pierce Gardner and Peter Hedges
• Starring: Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche
• Release date: October 26, 2007

Almost every movie lover will recognize the title of this post comes from the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz.[i] I have thought a lot about home the last few weeks as my wife and I moved out of our dream home into a one-bedroom apartment. We went from this:

And this:

To this:

I don’t own any ruby slippers, but I have wished several times since the move I could click my heels three times and return to that dream home. But upon further reflection, I realize, even though our little apartment has less than 800 square feet, it has everything I need: food, shelter, clothing, air conditioning(!), and more importantly, a spouse who loves me unconditionally and other family members and friends close by.

So why did we leave our beautiful home for a small one bedroom apartment? Someone once quipped, “Home is where the mortgage is.” But we didn’t move because we couldn’t make the mortgage payments. As far as I know, my job is secure – at least for another year. My company recently announced it was moving its offices from Fort Worth to Houston next summer. That is another good reason for me to retire when that move occurs. Instead of moving to Houston, we hope to build a new, but smaller, dream home closer to most of our adult children and grandchildren. So there is some method in our madness.

My decision to move was entirely my own choice. Most of my fellow employees, however, are not so lucky. The company announcement has caused a lot of angst around the office, as my fellow employees must decide if they want to leave their current homes to keep their current jobs and create a new home in Houston. Notice I didn’t say “find” a new home, as I believe homes are more than just brick and mortar. A home, where we feel love and acceptance and hopefully safety, is created by the people living in it. Kendal Rob said it this way: “Home is where you go to find solace from the ever changing chaos, to find love within the confines of a heartless world, and to be reminded that no matter how far you wander, there will always be something [or someone] waiting when you return.” That is pretty much how Dorothy felt in The Wizard of Oz,[ii] when she makes it back to Kansas:

Movies often center around the home, and some of the best ones, like The Wizard of Oz, focus on finding a way to get back home, or, if we can’t get there immediately, at least making some kind of contact with those at home. Who doesn’t remember this scene from E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial:[iii]

George A. Moore said, “A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” I enjoy traveling to fun places, but I must admit that usually the best part of any trip for me is returning home. There is no better way to appreciate our homes than to be away from them for a while. But it’s not the house that I miss as much as the home. When I drive by houses I used to live in, I am often reminded of some great memories and experiences I had there, but the feelings of love, comfort and safety I experienced while living there have moved along with me, turning that prior home into just a house again – at least to me. Anyone can build a house, but love is the most important ingredient in building a home.

Many people have left home because they felt no love there. And without that feeling of love, all other pleasures of a house are largely meaningless. I recently saw the movie, The Glass Castle,[iv] based on the memoirs of Jeannette Walls, growing up in a dysfunctional family. I was interested in seeing it particularly because I had read the book upon which it is based. Here is a scene from the movie where the family moves into a “new” house, which is a lot nicer (believe it or not) than many of the other houses they had previously lived in:

The movie does not do justice to the abuse the parents put their children through, forcing them to live in places that had no running water or indoor plumbing. But even in such squalor, there were times when love among the family was felt, especially among the four children who had to band together just to survive.

Even sadder are those who have been forced to leave a loving home and functional family, but circumstances will not let them return. One of my favorite movies from last year is Lion,[v] based on the true story of a five-year-old Indian boy name Saroo who is separated from his family, and adopted by a loving Australian couple. Despite the love he feels from his adoptive family, Saroo sets out to find his lost family, 25 years after his separation from them. The problem is, he doesn’t know where to find them. Through Google Earth and tracing possible train routes within a giant circle he has drawn on map, he searches for the village of his childhood. After many failed searches, one day he starts looking outside the circle, and discovers a hillside that causes a flashback of memories. This is followed by finding a river that he remembers he used to swim in. This leads him to a train station with a water tower behind it he remembers, and ultimately to the village he grew up in. He has found his first home. Here is the emotional scene where he returns to that home and is reunited with his birth family:

Gratefully, few of us have to live in abject poverty like Jeannette Walls did in The Glass Castle or spend years from our home and family like Saroo did in Lion. But what kind of home are we making for ourselves and our family? Is it that place of love, respect and trust? Is it that place where all family members can rest from the scars of the outside world? Where everyone’s opinions are respected, even if they differ from our own? Let us remember that the richest, most priceless possessions we have on this earth is the great love we have (or at least should have) for a family member.

While I’m no expert, here are a few suggestions on how to help make your house a home:

• Create family rituals and traditions, from game nights and (of course) movie nights, to special ways to celebrate birthdays and holidays.
• Eat at least one meal a day as a family, and turn off social media and just talk to each other (as painful as that can be sometimes!). If you don’t know what to talk about, try having each family member tell three good things that happened to them that day. It will help your family develop an attitude of gratitude, and grateful people are generally happier than those who are not.
• Do chores and other projects together, which helps our children become self-sufficient. Your kids will complain about doing their own laundry and cleaning their bathrooms, but one day they will thank you for teaching them those skills – at least ours did.
• Provide a place (bedroom or otherwise) where a family member can just go and be alone for a while, and respect that space by asking permission to enter it.
• Collect or create family collections and heirlooms, whether it be “art” on the refrigerator door or souvenirs from family vacations.
• Share your home with extended family and friends.
• Enforce family rules that make sense for safety and respect of others’ property and rights, but at the same time allow each family member as much freedom as practicable to express their own individuality.
• Find something each day to laugh about. Nothing is better for the soul than a good belly laugh. But be careful you are laughing with someone, not about someone.

By making a comment to this post, I would love others to share things their families did (or are doing) to help make their house a home.

Be it ever so humble, there truly is no place like home, and a happy home is but an early heaven.

[i] The phrase, “There’s no place like home,” first appeared in the John Howard Paine song, “Home, Sweet Home,” written in 1822. The first two lines of the song read: “Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.”

[ii] The Wizard of Oz

• Production Company: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM)
• Director: Victor Fleming
• Screenwriter: Noel Langley, Florence Ryerson
• Starring: Judy Garland, Frank Morgan, Ray Bolger
• Release date: August 25, 1939

[iii] E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Stephen Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Melissa Mathison
• Starring: Henry Thomas, Drew Barrymore, Peter Coyote
• Release date: June 11, 1982

[iv]The Glass Castle

• Production Companies: Lionsgate, Netter Productions
• Director: Destin Daniel Cretton
• Screenwriter: Destin Daniel Cretton and Andrew Lanham, based on the book by Jeannette Walls
• Starring: Brie Larson, Woody Harrelson and Naomi Watts
• Release date: August 11, 2017

[v] Lion

• Production Companies: The Weinstein Company, Screen Australia and See-Saw Films
• Director: Garth Davis
• Screenwriter: Luke Davies, adapted from the book by Saroo Brierley
• Starring: Dev Patel, Nicole Kidman, Rooney Mara
• Release date: January 6, 2017

When I was in ninth grade, I had the (mis)fortune to be a participant in an arm wrestling contest. I am small boned, and have never been recognized for my strength, so I anticipated from the outset that I would lose. The only problem was my opponent was a girl. This girl was no shot-putter-type female (I know, a bad stereotype). She was a normal-sized, attractive young woman – and one of my best friends at the time. I found out a couple of years later that she was also an excellent kisser! But I’m digressing.

I gave it my best effort, and put off the inevitable for a while, but ultimately my (girl)friend was able to slam the back of my hand against the table. My close (boy)friends assumed I had let her win (but they were wrong). My not-so-close friends ribbed me for days about how I was weaker than a girl. Where is the rule book that says all successful men must be handsome, well-built, show little emotion or vulnerability, work outside the home and be naturally strong and heroic? Where is it written that women must be beautiful, well-built (but in a decidedly different way than men), emotional, work only as housewives and mothers, and be weak and helpless (i.e. they need a prince to save them)? Why must little boys play with trucks and little girls play with dolls? Those were the gender stereotypes of my growing-up years. Fortunately, for both men and women, we have come a long way since then. But we still have a long way to go.

The movie industry prides itself in being a champion of equality, but it is far from it. In 2014, the Geena Davis Institute conducted a study on gender in media.[i] Here are just some of the facts this study revealed about films released in 2014:

• There are 2.24 male characters for every 1 female.
• Only 23.3 percent of films had a female lead or co-lead
• Females made up only 7 percent of directors, 19.7 percent of writers, and 22.7 percent of producers
• Female characters are more than twice as likely than male characters to be shown as skinny, wearing sexy clothing, and either partially or fully naked
• Comments made by characters that refer to appearance are directed at women five times more than men
• Men are more likely to be seen as attorneys, judges, academics or doctors at a rate of 13 to 1; females made up only 13 percent of characters who were business executives.

A few years ago I attended the Broadway production of Cinderella. It was magical. But what was surprising to me was how many young girls in the audience had dressed as princesses. What kind of role model is Cinderella, or any Disney princess, for these young girls? Emulating princesses from the early Disney movies, young girls learn that physical looks are more important than intellect, all unattractive women are evil (and often overweight), women, in general, are weak and need a man to protect them, and a woman’s place is in the home. Poor Cinderella is trapped in a life of thankless cleaning and cooking until a handsome prince rescues her (whom she falls in love with at first sight). Ariel, from The Little Mermaid,[ii] is even worse. Originally, she appears to be a self-assured, strong young woman, well, mermaid. But then she falls in love with the handsome Prince Eric (at first sight again) and then gives up her home, her family and everything she is (even her voice) to be with him. How much more interesting and thought-provoking would the movie be if it was Eric who gave up everything to be with Ariel under the sea? Here is one of the climatic scenes from the movie. Note how evil is personified in an ugly, overweight woman:

But Disney has changed some through the years, like all of us. Its recent remake of Beauty and the Beast [iii] is charming, and Belle is the epitome of a modern woman. She is intelligent, strong, and a no-nonsense, successful inventor in her own right. The problem is not with Belle, but with the movie’s treatment of men. Gaston is the classic boorish male chauvinist pig, and the Beast is simply abusive, as demonstrated in this scene:

The good news is the Beast learns and changes – but including his looks from the ugly beast to the stereotypical handsome prince. How more interesting would the movie be if the Beast remained a beast, whom Belle had originally fallen in love with despite his looks? On second thought, falling in love with an actual beast might be a little too creepy!

Along with movies, I love live theater. One of the most interesting plays I have ever seen was the Dallas Theater Center’s recent adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Most of the main characters were opposite genders from the originals. In other words, Scrooge, Marley and all the spirits were women. It was still the same, beautiful story of change, but the role reversals not only caught my attention, they gave the familiar story a new look and feel.  Geena Davis would be proud. As a solution for making Hollywood less gender biased, her Institute’s study recommends, when scripts are being reviewed, change the “he” to “she.”

I close with a discussion of two of my all-time favorite movies. I love these movies for many reasons, including that both take gender stereotypes and turn them on their heads. In The King’s Speech,[iv] we see one of the most powerful men in the world (England’s Prince Albert who becomes King George VI) show his vulnerability – something no “real man” is supposed to do. Check out this scene:

Billy Elliot[v] (spoiler alert!) is a young English lad who must grow up without a mother. His father and older brother are coal miners. As all good coal miners are, Billy’s dad is a man’s man, and he expects, like his brother before him, to be the same. So Billy’s dad enrolls Billy in boxing classes. The trouble is, Billy has no boxing ability, and finds himself more interested in the ballet classes that start immediately after the boxing lessons. Soon Billy is skipping the boxing classes and attending the ballet classes – until his father finds out. No son of a man’s man would take ballet over boxing, as ballet is only for “puffs:”

But Billy not only likes dancing, he’s good at it. Here, he shows his dad a few of his moves:

Ultimately, Billy’s dad let’s Billy pursue his dream of being a dancer. He is even willing to cross the picket lines of the miners’ strike to be able to pay for the dancing lessons. With the help of his teacher, Billy tries out for the Royal Ballet School. It is not the typical tryout, and Billy is sure he won’t get in. Here is the scene where Billy gets his letter from the school:

This scene is called “Acceptance” both because Billy gets into the prestigious school, but more importantly, Billy’s dad has come to accept Billy for being Billy, not forcing him to fit a stereotype or be something he wishes Billy to be. All parents should be more like the “new” Billy’s dad. Who didn’t fell the joy and pride of Billy’s father as he hears the news about Billy’s success, even though it might not have been the kind of success he originally wanted for Billy. Perhaps Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer and a Director of Facebook, said it best: “We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests.”

If only the whole world were so.

[i] As reported in the Huffington Post on September 24, 2014, updated on November 24, 2014.

[ii] The Little Mermaid

• Production Company: Walt Disney Pictures and Silver Screen Partners IV
• Directors: Ron Clements and John Musker
• Screenwriter: John Musker and Ron Clements
• Starring: Jodi Benson, Rene Auberjonois and Christopher Daniel Barnes
• Release date: November 17, 1989

[iii] Beauty and the Beast

• Production Company: Mandeville Films and Walt Disney Films
• Director: Bill Condon
• Screenwriter: Stephen Chbosky and Evan Spillotopoulos
• Starring: Emma Watson, Dan Stevens and Luke Evans
• Release date: March 17, 2017

[iv] The King’s Speech

• Production Company: See-Saw Films, The Weinstein Company, UK Film Council
• Director: Tom Hooper
• Screenwriter: David Seidler
• Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter
• Release date: December 25, 2010

[v] Billy Elliot

• Production Company: StudioCanal, Working Title Films, BBC Films
• Director: Stephen Daldry
• Screenwriter: Lee Hall
• Starring: Jamie Bell, Julie Walters and Jean Haywood
• Release date: November 10, 2000

The only lottery I ever won occurred in 1972. I didn’t win millions of dollars, but I could have won my life. It was the selective service’s lottery to determine who would be drafted to fight in Vietnam (and you thought this post was going to be on gambling). The government would draft young men based on their birthday, as each day of the year was randomly selected. All young men born on the first day selected would be drafted first. All young men born on the second day selected would be drafted next, and so on through the 365th day selected. The first draft lottery was held in 1969 and applied to young men born from 1944 through 1950. The men born on the first 195 birthdays selected ended up being drafted that first year. When my year came, my lottery number came up 308. No draft had gone that high so I felt like I was in the clear. It turned out it didn’t matter anyway, as the Vietnam War was winding down by that point, and no new draft orders were issued for men born in 1953 (my birth year).

I have thought a lot about war since that lottery and whether I would have been willing to fight. I doubt I would have had the courage to flee to Canada, like so many did during the Vietnam War. While no official records were kept of the numbers immigrating to Canada to avoid the draft, informed sources estimate the number to be between 30,000 and 40,000. I suspect I would have ultimately enlisted in a service that would hopefully keep me far from the front lines of Vietnam. I thought the Coast Guard would be a logical choice. But many, primarily those from poor or lower middle class families, did not have (or did not know how to take advantage of) those options.

We had three holidays here in America that reminded me once again of the sacrifices so many men and women have made for our country in times of war: Memorial Day, Flag Day and Independence Day. Plus, the anniversary of D-Day occurred on June 6. These men and women, as Abraham Lincoln described it, “gave the last full measure of devotion” so that our way of life would “not perish from the earth.”

Having never been in the military, I have learned much of what I know (or at least what I think I know) about war from watching movies. I realize that movies are not always a true depiction of what war is really like, but many are realistic enough for me to understand, as General Sherman said during the civil war, that “war is hell.” I like Edwin Starr’s description in his 1970 anti-war hit: “War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” But we learn a lot, sometimes, by having to go through “hell.” Here are four truths about war I have learned from movies (I could have listed many more):

     1.  Generals and other military planners are very willing to knowingly sacrifice the men and women on the front lines for what they see as the larger cause.

U.S. planners in 1943 were predicting that 13 percent of U.S. troops on D-Day would be drowned, 25 percent would become casualties in the initial fighting on the beaches, and thereafter, 3 percent of U.S. troops would become casualties in Normandy.[i]

This scene from Saving Private Ryan[ii] is hard to watch, but it illustrates the fear of soldiers going into battle for the first time, many of whom were killed before they even got out of their landing craft.

I am no military strategist, but it seems like there must have been a better way.

Two summers ago I had the privilege of visiting the National D-Day Memorial in Bedford, Virginia. I felt a reverence there as I saw depictions of the Normandy battlefield and learned of the many heroic events that took place on D-Day. Bedford, Virginia, was chosen as the place for the memorial because the small town of Bedford lost more soldiers in the D-Day invasion than any other town or city in America. Their sacrifice has been immortalized in Bedford: The Town They Left Behind.[iii] Yes, “some gave all,” as the country song goes. And for Bedford, Virginia, most gave all, as 19 of the 34 young men from Bedford were killed on D-Day. Four more were killed on subsequent days.

     2.  The perils of war often bring out the best or the worst in soldiers.

Hacksaw Ridge[iv] is the story of Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector who served as medic during WWII. At the outbreak of the war, Doss worked in a shipyard, and could have been deferred from military service because of that, but he enlisted anyway, even though he refused to carry a weapon into combat because of his personal beliefs and religious training as a Seventh Day Adventist. He was repeatedly persecuted and branded a coward by his fellow soldiers, but, unbelievably, during the battle of Okinawa, he saved 75 wounded men atop Hacksaw Ridge. Here is one of my favorite scenes from the movie:

Doss was wounded four times in Okinawa, and was subsequently awarded the Medal of Honor for his actions. How many of us are courageous enough to put our lives on the line, to save “one more,” whether physically, spiritually or otherwise?

     3,  On the battlefield, soldiers fight more for each other than for love of country.

I believe most soldiers love their country, and are willing to make great sacrifices for it, but in the heat of the battle, they fight for each other. Anyone who has been part of a successful team – a true team – whether in sports, business or the military, realizes how important a teammate becomes. That bonding is often precipitated by the rigorous training the team undergos together. Lone Survivor,[v] is the true story of a Navy Seals team on a mission to capture or kill a notorious Taliban leader. The opening scene gives us a glimpse of the training required to be a Navy Seal. Most don’t make it. I know I wouldn’t.

Did you catch the words said near the end of the clip? “I like having my buddies that I can depend on, and I would like for them to be able to depend on me. You guys are our band of brothers” I also love this scene from American Sniper[vi] where Chris Kyle shares his regret to his therapist, and how that motivated him to continue fighting for his comrades even after they returned from deployment.

4. Sadly, we don’t fully understand and appreciate what our volunteer military is truly sacrificing for us.

One vet described it this way: “The American people as a whole don’t care about soldiers or veterans beyond face value to make them feel good about themselves.” And so we applaud them at sporting events, we let them board first onto airplanes, we give them a discount on admission to amusement parks. Those types of things are nice and appropriate, but they pale in comparison to how combat changes a soldier, even the toughest ones. Obviously, many return disfigured or crippled. But the emotional toll can be far worse. Studies show that about one-fifth of veterans suffer from PTSD. One-fourth suffer from depression. Many vets drink and smoke excessively, even if they did neither before deployment, and report problems dealing with conflicts with others. Little wonder. One study showed, of the Marines serving in Iraq, 94 percent saw dead bodies, 97 percent were shot at, 95 percent were attacked or ambushed, 92 percent received rocket or mortar fire, and 87 percent know someone killed or seriously wounded. Another study found that 22 veterans commit suicide on average each day. A different study found the suicide rate among veterans to be only seven per day. But even seven suicides a day among our veterans (or any group for that matter) is seven too many.

One of the most uncomfortable movies for me to watch was Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.[vii] Few people saw it, but every American should. It realistically showed some of the internal turmoil our soldiers go through after returning home from a deployment – even those who are hailed as heroes. After a video of Billy saving his sergeant’s life goes viral, Lynn and his squad are invited to return to the U.S. for a promotional tour, including a halftime celebration at a Dallas Cowboys’ football game. The movie juxtaposes fireworks from the halftime celebration with battle scenes from Iraq, as if these soldiers haven’t experienced enough explosions. The halftime celebration experience and events leading up to it only alienate Billy from the rest of society (you and me) – a society that doesn’t truly understand or appreciate the sacrifices of our soldiers. Here is just one scene that shows the difference between the public face the military must show and what they are really thinking, and how even being a perceived hero is much more complicated than it appears:

Billy finally decides to go back to Iraq, largely because he doesn’t know what else to do. He is treated as a hero, but doesn’t feel like one, as he was just doing what he had been trained to do. He ultimately realizes that war has become his home and his squad has become his family. Only they fully appreciate what goes on in war. Here is the closing scene:

So what can we do to truly support our veterans? I did a quick Google search and there are a number of articles on this subject. Here is a link to the article I thought was best. It will give you some simple ideas.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/05/us/iyw-simple-ways-to-honor-veterans/index.html

Henry Emerson Fosdick said, “The tragedy of war is that it uses man’s best to do man’s worst.” Let’s support our best – those who have the courage to risk their lives to protect our way of life – even if it is only a one-on-one, heartfelt thank you. But most of us can (and should) do much more than that.

[i] George Henry Bennett’s Destination Normandy: Three American Regiments on D-Day.

[ii] Saving Private Ryan

• Production Company: Dreamworks, Paramount Pictures, Amblin Entertainment
• Director: Stephen Spielberg
• Screenwriter: Robert Rodat
• Starring: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Tom Sizemore
• Release date: July 24, 1998

[iii] Bedford: The Town They Left Behind

• Production Company: The Johnson Group
• Directors: Elliot Berlin, Joe Fab
• Screenwriter: Joe Fab
• Starring: Rich Parkerson
• Release date: January 11, 2009

[iv] Hacksaw Ridge

• Production Company: Cross Creek Pictures, Demarest Films, Pandemonium
• Director: Mel Gibson
• Screenwriter: Robert Schenkkan and Andrew Knight
• Starring: Andrew Garfield, Sam Worthington and Luke Bracey
• Release date: November 4, 2016

[v] Lone Survivor

• Production Company: Film 44, EFO Films, and Spiklings Entertainment
• Director: Peter Berg
• Screenwriter: Peter Berg (based on the book by Marcus Luttrell)
• Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Taylor Kitsch, Emile Hirsch and Ben Foster
• Release date: January 10, 2014

[vi] American Sniper

• Production Company: Warner Bros, Village Roadshow Pictures and RatPac-Dune Entertainment
• Director: Clint Eastwood
• Screenwriter: Jason Hall (based on the book by Chris Kyle)
• Starring: Bradley Cooper, Sienna Miller and Kyle Gallner
• Release date: January 16, 2015

[vii] Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

• Production Company: Bona Film Group, Film4, Ink Factory
• Director: Ang Lee
• Screenwriter: Ben Fountain and Jean-Christophe Castelli
• Starring: Joe Alwyn, Garrett Hedlund, Arturo Castro, Kristin Stewart and Vin Diesel
• Release date: November 18, 2016

Someone once said, a man shouldn’t be judged by the company he keeps, especially if they are his in-laws.  In my case, I hope I am judged by my in-laws, as there is no greater company I could keep. This past month my wife was in charge of her family’s reunion. Her family has one every three years, and since both her parents have died, the responsibility for the reunion now falls to my wife and each of her five siblings on a rotating basis. We started with the oldest sibling. Since my wife is the fifth child, four others preceded hers. All the reunions in the past have consisted of an afternoon or evening at a pavilion at a park or at a church where we’d meet, socialize, and eat for three to four hours. But since my immediate family is the only one that lives in Texas, we had to plan an event that would be worth the extended family traveling all the way to Texas in the middle of the summer heat. So we planned two days of “mandatory” activities, and suggested other activities for the days immediately before and after the actual reunion. And come they did. Out of a possible approximately 125 family members, about 100 come, with ages ranging from 75 years old to five months.

Our theme was “Putting the FUN in dysfunctional since 1942!” Our theme turned out to be only half true. We had loads of fun, but no dysfunction. Since movies about families generally emphasize quirks, dysfunction and drama, I don’t see many movies about our family coming to a theater near you. But that is a good thing.

In the days after the reunion, I have reflected on what makes a “together” family. No family is perfect, but functional families tend to have some traits in common. Perhaps first and foremost is respect for each other. Almost all traits of a functioning family grow out of respect for one another. One of my all-time favorite movies is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.[i] After the death of his father, Gilbert must care for his mentally challenged brother and his extremely overweight mother. The Grape family has every reason to be dysfunctional, but somehow they make it work, although like most families, not always smoothly. Gilbert demonstrates his respect for Arnie, his mentally challenged brother, by always having his back, even when it is not always convenient. Here is Gilbert’s promise to his younger brother:

Gilbert also has great respect and love for his mother, even though she is so overweight that she spends day and night on a couch in the living room, where the basement underneath her has to be reinforced to bear her weight. At one point, though, Gilbert becomes overwhelmed by all his responsibilities, and leaves home. But he comes back. Here is my favorite scene from the movie:

Toward the end of the movie (spoiler alert!), Gilbert’s mom decides to to walk upstairs to her bedroom for the first time in many years. But the strain on her body is too much and she dies in bed that night. The police come, and tell Gilbert that it would take many men, maybe even the whole National Guard, to get her out of the house. Gilbert and his siblings realize that her removal would draw a gawking crowd and, out of respect for their mother, they decide to protect her from becoming a spectacle, even in death. They empty the house except for their mother’s body, then Gilbert sets the house on fire, in effect cremating her.

Do we love and respect our family members even though they might look, act or have opinions different than our own? Functional families should be a place where individuality and differences of opinions are respected and encouraged. In a fun scene from The Break Up,[ii] Gary and Brooke’s families join them for an awkward dinner:

Although a silly scene, we can learn some great things about functional families from this scene. A great musical composition requires individual instruments or voices, but working in harmony, they make beautiful music together. Families should be the same way. Differences should be applauded, not ridiculed. A high school friend of mine, running for student body president, had the campaign slogan of “unity through individuality.” That should be the slogan of our families as well.

This scene also emphasizes the importance of the dinner table in families. A family that eats together stays together. Functional families have clear communications and open discussions. There is no better place for that to happen than around the dinner table. And it is (or at least should be) a safe place for family to discuss anything without fear of punishment or retribution. I just hope your family dinners go better than this one from This is 40:[iii]

But at least they had an open conversation!

In the final analysis, have we developed enough faith and trust within our families that we will take leaps into the unknown for each other, trusting there is a family member waiting to catch us? And are we loving enough that we will walk a high wire to rescue a family member in need? Perhaps this scene from Despicable Me[iv] says it all:

Although no family is perfect, may each of our families be good enough – good enough that each family member feels safe, loved, valued and appreciated, so that, as my in-laws would say, we can “weather together whatever.”

[i] What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures
• Director: Lasse Hallstrom
• Screenwriter: Peter Hedges
• Starring: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio and Julliette Lewis
• Release date: March 4, 1994

[ii] The Break Up

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Mosaic Media Group and Wild West Picture Show Productions
• Director: Peyton Reed
• Screenwriter: Jeremy Garelick and Jay Lavender
• Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston and Jon Favreau
• Release date: June 2, 2006

[iii]This is 40

• Production Company: Apatow Productions and Forty Productions
• Director: Judd Apatow
• Screenwriter: Judd Apatow
• Starring: Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann
• Release date: December 21, 2012

[iv] Despicable Me

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment
• Director: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud
• Screenwriter: Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Sergio Pablos
• Starring: Steve Carrel, Jason Segel and Russell Brand
• Release date: January 14, 2011

In 2007, I became Associate General Counsel of XTO Energy Inc. in Fort Worth, Texas. The long-range plan was for me to serve in that capacity until my boss retired, and then promote me to General Counsel in his place (assuming I didn’t screw things up before then). After two years, things remained on track as XTO promoted me to Vice President and Associate General Counsel. But in 2010, I hit a pothole in my road to the top legal position at XTO. ExxonMobil bought XTO (although it kept XTO as a separate subsidiary). My boss made it a couple of more years before he retired. He recommended me to replace him as XTO’s General Counsel, but it was not to be. An ExxonMobil lawyer was selected over me. Piling on, two years later ExxonMobil demoted me, taking away my Vice President and Associate General Counsel titles and almost all of my managerial responsibilities. In explaining to me why I was not selected as the new General Counsel of XTO, the then president of XTO (an ExxonMobil transplant) told me the company decided to go with someone who had greater “connectivity” with ExxonMobil.

Since that time, I have often thought about the meaning of “connectivity” and have come to the realization that humans cannot live without it (and apparently can’t get promoted without it either); we need to be connected to each other. I recently watched the movie Passengers,[i] about emigrants from earth traveling to a distant planet to start a new home. The spaceship travels through a meteor storm, causing a malfunction on the ship, which wakes up one of its passengers from his hibernation – about 90 years too soon. It will be another 90 years of space travel before the ship reaches its destination. He makes it for over a year by himself (and one robot) but it is hard for him to be surrounded by thousands of hibernating passengers, but no one to really connect with. One passenger in particular catches his eye. He then becomes obsessed with her. He figures out how he could wake her, too, and wrestles with whether to actually do it. He ultimately does, but keeps to himself the secret of why she woke up early, until one day, the robot lets it slip out:

How many of us would do the same, needing to connect to an human but knowing that by doing so, we would end that person’s life as he or she knows it? It is a dilemma I’m glad I don’t have to face.

In the movie Cast Away,[ii] Tom Hanks has a somewhat similar dilemma, but the best he can find is a volleyball (named Wilson, of course) to substitute for human companionship. Here is the scene where Wilson is created:

Here is a scene where Hanks argues with Wilson as if he were human:

Hanks even grieves for Wilson when he (it?) is lost at sea:

Although only a volleyball, Hanks’ need for connectivity with another human being results in Wilson almost becoming human, at least to Hanks. And the emotions he shares with Wilson are real – just as if Wilson were real.

Scientific studies have confirmed our need for connectivity. Early studies of primates and of children orphaned in World War II showed the physical and psychological stunting of growth in infants deprived of physical contact. Later research suggests that certain chemicals are released in our brains by the touch of another human. Other chemicals are released by the absence of physical contact. In one study, researchers found that premature infants who were massaged for 15 minutes three times a day gained weight 47 percent faster than others who were left alone in their incubators (the usual practice with premature babies at the time of the study) even though the massaged infants did not eat any more than the other infants. The researchers concluded that “their weight gain seems due to the effect of contact on their metabolism.”[iii] The massaged babies also developed their nervous systems more rapidly and become more responsive to stimuli. Touch works for all of us; recent research has shown that people who routinely hug are happier than those who do not.

In 1944, psychologist John Bowlby did a study on a group of juvenile delinquents. He noticed a high percentage of these boys had been abandoned when they were young and suffered from feelings of anger, humiliation and worthlessness. These boys withheld affection and developed other strategies to help them cope with their lack of connectivity to a parent. Bowlby concluded that children (as well as adults) need to feel love and have a safe place to go and connect with others. It is usually our family that provides that connectivity, but in today’s world of single parents and broken homes, it doesn’t have to be. Regardless of our circumstances, we are generally all right if we have a community, large or small, where we feel loved and accepted, as demonstrated by this clip from Freedom Writers:[iv]

Sadly, many of the groups we identify with, and which provide a community for us, are what I have heard called “community through outrage.” We are outraged at some injustice or breach of trust we see in the world and join other like-minded people with the intent of changing the injustice by tearing down the status quo, be it racial discrimination, equal pay for women, gun control, moms or dads against drunk drivers, child abuse and others. Please don’t misunderstand me. There are many great causes that need our support and many cases where the status quo is not working well, if at all. But how great would it be if we formed communities to build up rather than just to tear down?

I am grateful for family and friends who connect with me and accept me for who I am. I am even more grateful for those who help me be a better person. I have lived in three states and six different cities and have connected with some remarkable people along the way. I am saddened to realize I have lost connectivity with many of them. But true friends are those who, although you haven’t seen them for years, when you reconnect, it’s like you just saw them yesterday.

So let’s connect and reconnect and, where possible, do more than just be a Facebook friend or one of hundreds of links on Linked-In or other social media sites. Let’s email, text, call and, best of all, talk face to face. As we do, let’s build connections and larger communities based on respect for others, trust and love, building up the positive as well as tearing down the negative.

And don’t forget to give hugs along the way.

[i] Passengers

• Production: Columbia Pictures; LStar Capital; and Village Roadshow Pictures
• Directed by: Morten Tyldum
• Screenplay: Jon Spaihts
• Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt and Michael Sheen
• Release date: December 23, 2016

[ii] Cast Away

• Production: Twentieth Century Fox; DreamWorks and ImageMovers
• Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenplay: William Broyles, Jr.
• Starring: Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt
• Release date: December 22, 2000

[iii] Goleman, “The Experience of Touch: Research Points to a Critical Role,” The New York Times (February 2, 1988).

[iv] Freedom Writers

• Production: Paramount Pictures, Double Feature Films and MTV Films
• Directed by: Richard LeGravenese
• Screenplay: Richard LeGravenese
• Starring: Hillary Swank, Imelda Staunton and Patrick Dempsey
• Release date: January 5, 2007

My wife and I recently have been watching a TV series that was originally aired on the Hallmark Channel. We enjoy good, clean movies and shows as well as anyone, but both of us admitted that this series has been just a little too wholesome and perfect, even for us. At one point I remarked, “It’s good all the women in this are quite attractive so I’ll keep watching it.” Her reply? “The men aren’t so bad either.” Do we really let the beautiful people of the world influence us that much?

Admittedly, although my wife is one of the most beautiful people I know (in every sense of the word), I have done some window shopping from time to time. You know, you can look but don’t touch. Admit it. All of us, male or female, young or old, are attracted to those we consider to be beautiful. Some of us could even relate to Paul Blart, Mall Cop,[i] in this movie clip:

What makes a person attractive? Because of our historical roots, men and women subconsciously look for different things in the opposite sex. Men tend to focus on someone he can procreate with (i.e. have sex). While women also consider procreation important, they tend to focus more on companionship and support. A survey of over ten thousand people found the standards for beauty consistent around the world. Men look for clear skin, full lips, long lustrous hair, symmetrical features, a shorter distance between mouth and chin, a waist-to-hip ration of 0.7, and of course, a curvy body. Women’s breasts apparently exist in the form they do to arouse men’s attention. All other primates are flat-chested. Larger human breasts do not produce more milk than smaller ones. Men consistently rate women with attractive bodies and unattractive faces higher than women with attractive faces and unattractive bodies. Women, on the other hand, are sexually attracted to men with larger pupils, symmetrical features and those who are slightly older, taller and stronger than they are. Women are guarded and slower to trust than men. In one set of tests, an attractive woman was paid to go up to unknown college men and ask them to sleep with her. Seventy-five percent of men said yes in study after study. When the test was reversed, how many women agreed to sleep with an unknown but attractive man? Zero. Sadly, tests have shown that generally attractive people have significantly higher incomes. Height appears to be important, too, with one study showing that, in America today, each inch of height translates into $6,000 of annual salary. If that is true, the good news for me is, based on my average height, I am significantly overpaid.[ii]

Many of us think if we were just a tiny bit better looking, life would be so much different for us. We would get the better job, we would marry the more attractive spouse, we would have more friends. In short, life would be easier and we’d be happier. The result? Sometimes we become so obsessed with our skin, our hair, and our clothes that we become “plastic,” as illustrated by this scene from Mean Girls:[iii]

I have been enjoying a book lately called, What to Say When You Talk to Your Self.[iv] Its premise is, our success or failure in life is largely controlled by our behavior. Our behavior is determined by our feelings about the task at hand. Our feelings about the task are governed by whether we have a good attitude or bad attitude about it. Our attitude about something just doesn’t happen. What we believe about something will determine our attitude about it, whether that belief is true or false. And our beliefs are based on what we and others tell us about it. In short, if we can control what we tell ourselves about something or someone, we ultimately can control our behavior. Unfortunately, about 75 percent of what we tell ourselves is negative. Or as Marilyn Monroe once said, “No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t.” I would change that last part to, “even if they have to tell that to themselves.”

In short, our perceptions about ourselves become our reality. Since most of us have been talking negatively to ourselves about ourselves our entire lives, our reality is that we are not attractive enough, smart enough or capable enough to succeed. And we become our own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Someone once said, “The wonderful thing about beauty is that it has so many layers, the outer one being the least important.” Science is now confirming the truth of that statement. Studies out of the University of Wisconsin – Madison have shown that we see a person more attractive when we get to know that person’s other good qualities. In a paper published in Evolution and Human Behavior, co-author David Sloan Wilson concluded that the beauty we see in others “depends at least as much on non-physical traits – whether they are cooperative, dependable, brave, hardworking, intelligent and so on – as physical factors such as smooth skin and symmetrical features. It follows that non-physical factors should be included in the subconscious assessment of beauty.”

In their first study, the participants rated people photographed in high school yearbooks. One participant, for example, who recognized a photo but had had no contact with that particular person for decades, responded in disgust when she recalled the person’s character and described that person as ugly. In a second study, members of a college sports team and total strangers rated the attractiveness of each team member from photographs shown to them. The team members rated a person they considered to be a slacker as ugly, and a team leader as physically attractive, while strangers, not knowing the persons and so judging on photographs alone, rated these two team members as equally attractive. In their final study, students in a summer archeological excavation course rated each other on the first day of class and six weeks later. After the six weeks of working together, students’ perceptions of physical attractiveness changed based on their interactions during the course.

I love this scene from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs[v] that emphasizes the point that our real selves are more beautiful than our made-up selves.

The main focus of Mean Girls is the harm we can do through gossiping, but it teaches us a lot about beauty as well. There is something beautiful about everyone if we will only look for it. Or as someone once described it, “The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see beauty in others.” Enjoy Lindsay Lohan’s Spring Fling Speech after she wins queen of the dance:

Ironically, isn’t Lindsay Lohan a perfect example of the more we learn about a person, the more (or less) beautiful they become? In her early movies, I found her quite physically attractive. I mean who didn’t love her in the remake of The Parent Trap? But the more I learned about her personal life – the alcohol (and DUIs) and drugs (and repeated stays in rehab), the comments from movie insiders that she was irresponsible, unprofessional and difficult to work with, her bouts with the law – the less physically beautiful she became, at least to me. That said, I’m sure if I had the opportunity to really get to know her, I would find things about her that are truly beautiful. On the other hand, I found Emma Watson to be quite cute when she entered the movie scene in the Harry Potter movie franchise. But she has become more attractive to me through the years. I suspect that part of her increasing beauty was not just because she has matured physically, but she has matured as a person as well. I have been impressed by the non-Harry Potter roles she has played recently, with The Perks of Being a Wallflower being my favorite. I admired her for taking time off from movies to finish her college education at Oxford and Brown Universities. I nodded my approval when, for her role in Beauty and the Beast, she insisted that her character, Belle, be portrayed as a smart, independent woman. She is a humanitarian activist promoting gender equality, including being recently appointed as a United Nations’ Women Goodwill Ambassador. All that and she can sing, too!

I close with this quote from Audrey Hepburn. She calls it her greatest beauty tip: “For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.”

Let’s take the time to stop and discover how beautiful the people around us really are – including ourselves.

[i] Paul Blart, Mall Cop

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures, Relativity Media, Happy Madison Productions
• Director: Steve Carr
• Screenwriter: Kevin James, Nick Bakay
• Starring: Kevin James, Keir O’Donnell, and Jayma Mays
• Release date: July 17, 2015

[ii] The facts and studies described in this paragraph are summarized from “The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character and Achievement,” by David Brooks (Random House 2011).

[iii] Mean Girls

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures, M.G. Films, and Broadway Video
• Director: Mark Waters
• Screenwriter: Tina Fey (based on the book by Rosalind Wiseman)
• Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams and Jonathan Bennett
• Release date: April 30, 2004

[iv]“What to Say When You Talk to Yourself “ by Shad Helmstetter (2011)

[v] Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

• Production Company: Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation
• Directors: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
• Screenwriter: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
• Starring: Anna Faris, Bill Hader, Bruce Campbell
• Release date: September 18, 2009

In the Book of Matthew in the Bible, Jesus Christ teaches that you should love your neighbor as yourself. Unfortunately, too often we forget the last part of that admonition, to love ourselves.

Those who know me well know that I have almost no ability to fix things. I am not particularly good with my hands, and whenever I try to play handyman, it generally results in disaster. That’s ironic considering, when I was very young, my father finished out our basement and did other similar projects around the house. By the time I was old enough to learn how to do some of those things, my father had traded in his handyman skills for a comfortable chair in front of the TV. But even though he didn’t help me to be a great handyman, I love my dad, and he taught me many other great lessons.

In seventh grade I took a required wood shop class. I was having trouble with my very first project. The teacher, seeing my frustration, took my project, and said, “Here, let me help you.” He then made a series of cuts on the band saw, nailed together the resulting pieces of wood and handed it back to me. He had essentially completed the project for me. I know he intended well, but by completing the project for me, he was silently telling me that I wasn’t very good at that sort of thing. And of course, I believed him.

On the other hand, I was raised in a religion where everyone had to participate in meetings, and at a very young age, I had to write short talks and give them, first, to other children, and then to the entire congregation. My mother believed that, even as a child, I should write my own talks. I remember many times sitting next to her as she sat at her typewriter while I dictated to her the talk I was asked to give. I still remember her repeatedly telling me that I “had a way with words,” that I could say things concisely and better than she ever could. You know what? I believed her too. And from a very young age I have always felt that writing was a talent that I had – although I have worked hard to improve that talent through the years. That ability has served me well and is the number one reason I became a transactional lawyer.

I am relating these stories to emphasize the point that our self-images have a great deal to do with who we are, and that our self-images are largely based on what other people tell us about ourselves. Well-meaning parents, siblings, friends, teachers, coaches and others have in some cases helped us achieve greatness, but some of these same people also have contributed to our failures. And sadly, there are probably more examples of failures than successes. And sadder still, sometimes those people have not been so well-intended. That’s why teasing and other forms of bullying can be so destructive – because we actually believe the teasers and the bulliers, whether or not there is any factual basis for their comments.

I like this clip from Unbroken,[i] where an older brother helps a young Louis Zamperini gain some self-confidence in his running abilities:

It took Zamperini a lot more than an encouraging word from his older brother for him to be able to compete in the Olympics; it took hard work and training day after day. But that dose of encouragement from his brother, that instilled self-confidence in Louis, is where it began.

Unfortunately, the opposite is true. I love this scene from The Perks of Being a Wallflower[ii]:

I love the line, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” How true that is. If we think we are unworthy or no good, we act accordingly – in the friends we choose, in the jobs we take, in the people we love, and so forth.

Forrest Gump [iii] is one of the best movies illustrating how our perceptions of ourselves can shape our reality. Forrest is not “smart” enough to realize his own limitations, even when others point them out. But he does believe his mother, who always taught him, “stupid is as stupid does.” With a never-ending self-confidence born from the teachings of his mother, Forrest becomes a football star, a war hero, a ping pong champion, a successful businessman, and a wise sage from whom many others seek advice. Perhaps his most helpful advice of all is, in life, “[sh]it happens.” And it does. But according to Forrest, bad things that happen to us should not affect who we are. Here is just one scene from the movie where Forrest helps Lieutenant Dan realize that even though his legs have been blown off, he still has worth:

Like Lieutenant Dan, each of us has a destiny. We just need to be sure we don’t let others and our own self-doubts prevent us from reaching that destiny. When Jenny asks him, “Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you’re gonna be?” Forrest responds, “Aren’t I going to be me?”

In future blogs I will discuss what movies can teach us about improving our self-image. In the meantime, let’s remember these words: Of all the opinions which people entertain, the best one is the one that they have of themselves.

Here’s hoping that each of us can be our best selves, regardless of what others (and sometimes ourselves) say about us.

[i] Unbroken

• Production Company: 3 Arts Entertainment; Jolie Pas, and Legendary Entertainment
• Director: Angelina Jolie
• Screenwriters: Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Jack O’Connell, Miyavi, and Domhnall Gleeson
• Release date: December 25, 2014

[ii] The Perks of Being a Wallflower

• Production Company: Summit Entertainment and Mr. Mudd
• Director: Stephen Chbosky
• Screenwriter: Stephen Chbosky
• Starring: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson and Ezra Miller
• Release date: September 21, 2012

[iii] Forrest Gump

• Production Company: Paramount Pictures
• Director: Robert Zemeckis
• Screenwriter: Eric Roth (based on the book by Winston Groom)
• Starring: Tom Hanks, Robin Wright and Gary Sinise
• Release date: November 11, 1994

A good friend in high school, whenever anything went wrong, would say, “Well, it’s a dog-eat-dog world.” Sadly, those words have a lot of truth in them. I suppose we should blame Darwin for pointing out that our basic natures include a survival of the fittest mentality. I played a lot of sports growing up and was as competitive as anyone. I can still remember the high I would feel when my competitive nature helped me lock in and focus on an opposing team.

Those early days of athletic competition were a good training ground for the rest of my life. The adult world is one big battleground. Countries compete to be world powers (sometimes for world domination). Businesses compete for market share. Individuals compete against each other for the biggest raise or best position, for the nicest things, and even for the cutest spouse – especially the cutest spouse (by the way, I won that last competition). My own family loves to play games and we can be so competitive when we do that are friend, who participated with us once, remarked that my family’s competitive nature was “just plain scary.”

As this clip from the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer,[i] shows, it’s to the point that, in every aspect of our lives, we are told we have to hate our opponent if we expect to succeed:

Competition has reached the level of the absurd in some cases. I participate in the social media site, Linked In, and I am often surprised at the amount of requests I get from people I have never heard of. Some people apparently reach out to anyone and everyone, trying to connect with as many people as possible, even bragging about how many connections they have. But from my experience, it’s not the number of ties we have with others, it’s the strength of those ties, that really matters. Isn’t nice to have a close friend or two beside us each day as we face the dog-eat-dog world?

What makes a good friend, one that lasts separation and the passing of time? Dr. Alex Lickerman, writing in Psychology Today (February 2010), lists four elements of what draws us together as friends (with all of these needing to be present for a lasting friendship):

Common Interests – When our interests diverge and we can find nothing to enjoy jointly, time spent together tends to rapidly diminish. Not that we can’t still care deeply about friends with whom we no longer share common interests, but it’s probably uncommon for such friendships to interact on a regular basis.

History or Common Experiences – Nothing ties people together, even people with little in common, than having gone through the same difficult experience. We see it all the time in team sports, where off the field or court, we never spend time together, but are best friends on the field of battle.

Common Values – Although values alone are often not enough to create a friendship, if values are too divergent, it’s difficult for a friendship to thrive.

Equality – If one friend needs the support of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, though the relationship may be significant and valuable, it can’t be said to define true friendship.

The opposite is also true. If one member of the friendship is always trying to one-up the other, it won’t be a friendship for long. Enjoy this clip from Bridesmaids,[ii] but especially notice these friends trying to best the other, making the situation all about each off them rather than the bride they should be honoring:

John Green, the writer of the book upon which The Fault in Our Stars[iii] is based, said it well when talking about our basic natures to outdo even our good friends:

“Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. [We all] want to leave a mark. [But] the marks humans leave are too often scars.”

Why do we always hurt others, even those we love? When it comes to what friends should be for each other, I love this analogy of the coastal redwoods of northern California. Even though these majestic trees grow to heights of 300 feet and can weigh more than a million pounds, they have a very shallow root system. Their roots go down only three to six feet but spread out several hundred feet. As their roots extend out, they intertwine with other redwoods. This intertwining creates a webbing effect and is the secret of their strength. Without being connected with others, these redwoods would not survive.

Like redwoods, as friends, we need to learn to love and support each other, not compete with each other. Or as said in the closing scene of Seabiscuit,[iv] good friends “fix” each other:

Admittedly, competition can bring out the best in us. But I think there is a difference between competing with someone and competing against someone. Let’s do our best in life, but let’s celebrate the success of others, knowing that their success is often partly due to us, and the positive effect we can have on them.

The only thing I like as much as movies is musical theater. One Broadway play I enjoy is Wicked, not because of the story (which I find little cheesy), but because of the great music. And my favorite song is “For Good” near the end of the play.  Glinda and Elphaba are parting after some crazy experiences together, and they say some things about friendship that are spot on:

• I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
• Bringing something we must learn,
• And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
• If we let them.
• And we help them in return.
• Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true,
• But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.
• Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun,
• Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood,
• Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
• But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
• It may well be that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
• So let me say before we part,
• So much of me is made of what I learned from you.
• You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
• And now whatever way our stories end,
• I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.
• Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea,
• Like a seed dropped by a sky-bird in a distant wood,
• Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
• But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Here’s a dozen movies (in chronological order) I recommend about or exemplifying friendship. Find a friend and watch them together, and say thanks to your friend for being a friend – and don’t forget to be a good friend in return.

• Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
• Stand By Me (1986)
• My Girl (1991)
• Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)
• The Sandlot (1993)
• Forrest Gump (1994)
• Shawshank Redemption (1994)
• Clueless (1995)
• Toy Story (1995)
• Good Will Hunting (1997)
• Bend It Like Beckham (2002)
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

Near the end of the Netflix original series, 13 Reasons Why,[v] Clay Jensen says it best: “I cost a girl her life because I was afraid to love her…. It has to get better. The way we treat each other and look out for each other. It has to get better somehow.”

As we navigate through the dog-eat-dog world, may we be part of the solution, not the problem.

[i] Searching for Bobby Fischer

• Production Company: Mirage Enterprises
• Director: Steven Zaillian
• Screenwriter: Steven Zaillian (based on the book by Fred Waitzkin)
• Starring: Joe Mantegna, Ben Kingsley and Max Pomeranc
• Release date: August 11, 1993

[ii] Bridesmaids

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Relativity Media, and Apatow Productions
• Director: Paul Feig
• Screenwriter: Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo
• Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne
• Release date: May 13, 2011

[iii] The Fault in Our Stars

• Production Company: Fox 2000 Pictures, Temple Entertainment, and TSG Entertainment
• Director: Josh Boone
• Screenwriter: Scott Neustadler and Michael H. Weber (based on the book by John Green)
• Starring: Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort and Nat Wolf
• Release date: June 6, 2014

[iv] Seabiscuit

• Production Company: Universal Pictures, Dreamworks, Spyglass Entertainment
• Director: Gary Ross
• Screenwriter: Gary Ross (based on the book by Laura Hillenbrand)
• Starring: Tobey Maguire, Jeff Bridges, and Elizabeth Banks
• Release date: July 25, 2003

[v] 13 Reasons Why

• Production Company: Kicked Off the Curb Productions, Anonymous Content and July Moon Productions
• Creator: Brian Yorkey (based on the book by Jay Asher)
• Starring: Dylan Minnette and Katherine Langford
• Release date: March 31, 2017

I have been thinking a lot about suicide lately – not thoughts of ending my own life, but why any young person, with so much of life ahead of them, would ever get to the point where they would choose death over life. (Older people – who actually have the highest rates of suicide – are a different matter. I think at some point, everyone has the right to die – but that’s a topic for another blog.)

In America, someone attempts suicide once every minute, and someone is successful in that attempt once every 17 minutes. Worldwide, about 2,000 people kill themselves every day. Actually, the rates are probably much higher than that, as many deaths are categorized as accidental deaths, but in reality, are probably suicides (only about a third of known suicide victims leave a note). Even with understated statistics, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, and outnumbers deaths by homicide. For every two people killed by homicide, three people die from suicide. Surprisingly, the spring months of March, April and May have the highest suicide rates, consistently four to six percent higher than the rest of the year (suicides around Christmas time are actually below average). And not so surprisingly, more suicides occur on Monday than any other day of the week; Saturday has the fewest.

I recently watched The Edge of Seventeen.[i] The opening scene deals with suicide in a somewhat comical way:

But suicide is no laughing matter. It is a complex issue, usually with more than a single reason behind it. I am not a mental health specialist but I think it is safe to say that those who attempt to kill themselves usually feel hopeless, abandoned, ostracized, laughed at, or otherwise like an outsider. Statistics bear this out. Divorced people are three times more likely to take their own life than people who are married. Abuse victims are more likely to try suicide than their peers. LBGT high school students attempt suicide more often than heterosexual teens.

Although it has been almost 40 years since I watched the movie, The Deer Hunter,[ii] I still remember vividly this scene of Russian roulette:

Did you catch Robert DeNiro’s urgings to Christopher Walken? “I love you. Come home, Mickey, just come home. Home. Talk to me.” But for Walken’s character, it was too late. The horrors of war had irreversibly changed him. Is it too simplistic or naive to believe that suicides could be prevented if everyone had someone who truly loves them, and a safe place where they can just be themselves without judgment or repercussions?

One of the saddest stories I have ever read involved a young gay man struggling to be accepted for who he really was. In 2000, Stuart Matis walked up the steps of a Mormon church building in Los Altos, California, with a note reading “do not resuscitate” pinned to his shirt, and shot himself. After a lifetime spent struggling to reconcile his church’s beliefs and being gay, he explained in his suicide note that “for the first time in over 20 years, I am free from my pains. As I believed that I was a Christian, I believed that I could never be gay. Perhaps my death … might be some catalyst for much good…. Your actions might help to save many young people’s lives.”

The same night Matis was writing his suicide note, his mother was up writing a letter to church authorities asking them to change the Church’s position on gays.

Before his suicide, Matis thought about leaving the Church. He approached his church leader and told him he was gay and had thoughts about killing himself. The church leader, who counseled Matis for several months, pleaded with him, if this is a choice between life and the church, choose life.

Sadly, Matis’s best friend, also gay, took his own life two months later.

Like Matis, people who consider taking their own lives really don’t want to die, they just want to stop hurting and they can’t see any other alternative. A suicidal person will give some kind of clue about how they feel before they take action. Often it is in some form of joke or flippant comment, but take those jokes and comments seriously. They are really a cry for help. You don’t make someone suicidal by showing you care. Discussing the subject openly is one of the best things you can do for them. And as you talk with a friend or loved one who is contemplating hurting themselves, just be yourself and non-judgmental. Let them know their life is important to you. And give hugs. In fact, give hugs whether or not a friend or loved one is contemplating suicide. Not surprisingly, studies show that people who hug are happier than those that don’t.

Most of us at one time or another feel like Nadine does in this scene near the end of The Edge of Seventeen. We don’t like what we see when we look at ourselves and don’t know how to change it.

Please know your life is important to someone. If the choice is life versus the alternative, please choose life.

Other times, we feel like Damien. Someone confides in us their innermost feelings and we don’t know what to say. Often in those times, all that is needed is that hug. So if you’re feeling blue, talk to someone about it. If someone feeling depressed or alone confides in you, just listen.

And don’t forget that hug.

[i] The Edge of Seventeen

• Production Company: Gracie Films and STX Entertainment
• Director: Kelly Fremon Craig
• Screenwriter: Kelly Fremon Craig
• Starring: Hailee Steinfeld, Haley Lu Richardson, Blake Jenner
• Release date: November 18, 2016

[ii] The Deer Hunter

• Production Company: EMI Films and Universal Pictures
• Director: Michael Cimino
• Screenwriter: Michael Cimino and Deric Washburn
• Starring: Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken and John Cazele
• Release date: February 23, 1979