I admit it. Sometimes I feel like Rocky Balboa. But it’s not Apollo Creed giving me a beating; it’s me beating up myself. I have spent the last two weeks doing just that. But then, I have given myself quite a few beatings over the previous two years.

It has been almost two months since my son, Matt, lost his battle with mental illness. And it’s been less than two years since another son, Scott, lost a similar fight. Life can be cruel sometimes. No, most of the time.

These past two weeks have been tough. The first couple of weeks after Matt died were filled with things to do, such as arranging for his cremation, hosting his celebration of life, and preparing his only real possession—his Ford F-150—for a life without him. Just seeing that truck often brings back the tears. We also spent five wonderful days with my extended family at a brother’s reunion. Family is just the ticket at times like these.

My wife, Janene, continued to receive love and support from family and friends during these past two weeks. She left for a much-needed extended weekend with her sisters. That was followed by another extended weekend with her best girlfriends.

That left me to deal mainly with my own thoughts. So, what did I do to occupy my time? I read a book about a man who misuses alcohol and prescription drugs and ends up killing his two-year-old son by backing his car over him, and spending three years in prison because of it. Then, just as he is about to be released, he dies of COVID. Books like that will certainly lift one’s spirits! And of course, I had plenty of time to watch a movie or two. But what movies did I watch? Ones where the characters struggle with mental illness. More on that later. But mostly, I just thought.

I thought about how cruel and unfair the world is for just about everyone. Even those few whose lives appear to be perfect struggle with something—they are just experts at keeping it below the surface. I thought about how the lives of my two beautiful sons—intelligent, charismatic, clever, friendly, and a dozen other positive traits—were cut short because of faulty brain chemistry. Both left behind friends and family to grapple with what-ifs, should-haves, and the challenge of living in a world without them.

I thought about how cruel mental illness is on the person suffering from it, but it’s just as cruel on those of us left behind. I can’t get out of my mind the image of one of Matt’s young sons, placing his hand on his dad’s lifeless body when it was time to say goodbye, and repeatedly saying, “I want my dad, I want my dad.” I can only imagine the future struggles he and his two brothers will face.

And that reminded me of a discussion I once had with Matt about how his mental illness was all my fault—that with mental illness in our family, we shouldn’t have had any kids. This raised the question of whether mental illness is nature or nurture. Either way, I lose. Did Matt or Scott have faulty genes that led to their illness? Or was there something in our family environment that triggered something in their brains? Perhaps some of each? I try not to go there, but sometimes it’s hard to control those thoughts.

I thought about where God was in all this. If there is a purpose to mental illness, I have a hard time seeing it. In the case of Matt, for example, the mental illness seemed to burn his brain to the point where nothing he, his family, or his medical advisors could do to help him. Medication, counseling, electroconvulsive therapy, and as much love as we could give him had little or no effect. After years of suffering and a half-dozen failed suicide attempts, it became a question of when, not if, we would lose Matt. The only way Matt could end his suffering, at least in his mind, was to make it all go away permanently. I bristle a little inside when people tell me that God has a plan for all of us and that those dealing with mental illness will receive heavenly rewards. I wish I had that kind of faith. Those comments, meant to help, always ring just a bit hollow to me.

The first movie I watched over the past two weeks was a Ken Burns documentary titled Hiding in Plain Sight: Youth Mental Illness.[i] It starts by stating that 75 percent of mental illnesses manifest themselves before age 25; 50 percent by the age of 14. Horrifically, most people who need mental health care don’t get it. Can we say the same about physical diseases such as cancer, heart disease, or diabetes? We are lousy at identifying people’s mental struggles early on, nor do we make it easy for a person to get into the mental health system. And if we do try to help, it is often just a “mental health check” to determine if someone is a danger to themselves or others. And if they are, we lock them up in a behavioral unit for 72 hours and then turn them loose on the streets again. Or worse, we put them in jail.

Here is the trailer for the documentary:

But identifying a mental illness is only part of the issue. What does a person do once they receive a diagnosis? Far too often, we “institutionalize” our behavioral units or lock them up in the criminal justice system until, as the film says, “By treating this [mental illness] like a criminal justice problem instead of a health problem, we’ve turned our hospitals into prisons. At the same time, we’ve turned our prisons into mental health institutions.”

And now I’m the guy who many people know as the dad who had two sons die by suicide. Suicide prevention is not a cause I would have chosen; I was thrown into it. Now that I am here, I’ll do my part to remove the stigma surrounding mental illness and help educate others about it.

But mental illness does not have to be a death sentence. Our sons were more than their disease. Many struggling with mental illness lead productive lives. But it is a battle they must fight every day. Here are just a few people who have accomplished much while fighting a mental disease: J.P. Morgan (bipolar), Leonardo DiCaprio (OCD), Karen Carpenter (eating disorder), Mariah Carey (bipolar), Michael Phelps (ADHD), Francis Ford Coppola (bipolar), Jane Pauley (bipolar), Kristen Bell (anxiety and depression), Abraham Lincoln (depression and possibly bipolar), and Winston Churchill (bipolar).

Love & Mercy[ii] tells the true story of Brian Wilson’s (of the Beach Boys) struggle with mental illness. He was widely considered a musical genius for his creative studio productions of The Beach Boys’ songs.  The movie left me wondering if his genius was because of his mental illness or in spite of it. Here is the trailer for the film:

I have always loved The Beach Boys, but now, every time I hear one of their songs, I think of Brian Wilson and his lifelong battle with his mental demons. I am grateful for all he accomplished despite his personal challenges. We all face individual challenges every day. What’s our excuse for not accomplishing more? Or as I like to say, do the best you can with what you’ve got where you’re at.

The Dark Horse[iii] tells the true story of New Zealand chess champion Genesis Potini. Suffering from bipolar disorder, Potini was hospitalized numerous times. But he found his purpose in teaching chess to children in his community, helping them to avoid lives of crime and violence. Here is the trailer for the film:

The movie realistically portrays some of the struggles a person with bipolar disorder must go through. But sadly, it also portrays the stigma Genesis Potini faced when others knew of his disease. The stigma surrounding mental illness is lessening, but we still have a long way to go.

And that was part of Matt’s tragedy. During his manic episodes, he either burned bridges or lost the respect of those who had once been his friends. I am grateful for those friends who stuck with him, despite his issues. But society, in general, was not so kind. Like the young people in Hiding in Plain Sight, Matt’s hospitalizations provided him with temporary help at best. And sometimes his manic episodes landed him in jail.

But like Brian Wilson, Genesis Potini, and dozens of others show us, there is hope for those fighting a mental illness; we just need to help them find it. That is what suicide prevention is about. And that is why I will be walking today with at least 40 others as part of Team Ludlow in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention walk to help raise awareness of mental health. We will be wearing t-shirts designed by my daughter, Lisa Padilla, that say, “Supporting the Fighters, Admiring the Survivors, Honoring the Taken, and Never, Ever Giving Up Hope.”  

If you are struggling with mental health challenges, please know that you are NOT alone and it is OK not to be OK. Like Rocky Balboa, we can learn how to take a punch. Let those of us who love you help you. Follow the advice of your behavioral specialists. Take your meds. It is a brutal battle, but one you can win. Keep hope alive, despite the darkness that seems to be all around you.   

I often listen to music while I write. As I typed the last paragraph, Carly Simon sang to me that she “hasn’t got time for the pain.” I believe that was how Matt felt. He no longer had time for his pain, and he decided to stop it the only way he knew how. I hope the rest of us look at it differently. We all experience pain in one form or another. But life is worth living. Let’s put away that pain and begin to live, doing the best we can with what we’ve got where we’re at.    

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[i] Hiding in Plain Sight: Youth Mental Illness:

• Ken Burns Presents a Film by Erik Ewers and Christopher Ewers
• Starring: First-person accounts from more than 20 young people, ranging in age from 11 to 27, who live with mental health conditions, as well as parents, teachers, friends, health care providers in their lives, and independent mental health experts.
• Release date: June 27, 2022

[ii] Love & Mercy:

• Production Companies: River Road Entertainment and Battle Mountain Films
• Director: Bill Pohlad
• Writers: Oren Overman, Michael Lerner, and Brian Wilson
• Starring: Paul Dano, John Cusack, and Elizabeth Banks
• Release date: June 19, 2015

[iii] The Dark Horse:

• Production Companies: Four Knights Film and Southern Lights Films
• Director: James Napier Robertson
• Writer: James Napier Robertson
• Starring: Cliff Curtis, James Rolleston, and Kirk Torrence
• Release date: November 20, 2014