With another Father’s Day around the corner, I once again feel the awesome responsibility I have as a father.  I use “awesome” in all contexts of that word.  There can be nothing more exciting and rewarding than being a parent. But there is also nothing in life more frightening. And that responsibility never ends. Even our adult children still need a father.

The head of the Church I grew up in made a famous statement about parents. David O. McKay said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”But what makes a good parent?  How do we know if we’re succeeding or failing miserably?  Despite our natural inclinations to judge a tree by its fruit, our children’s actions do not necessarily indicate the type of parent we are. I have been around long enough to realize that great parents do not necessarily have great kids, and great kids often succeed despite their parents.

The first time I sat in Janene’s kitchen before we married, I noticed a plaque on the wall that read, “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories.” Janene and I have five kids and feel pretty much the same way.  Although our children have some similarities, there are also significant differences among them.  I sometimes wonder how five children, all raised in the same home, can be so different.  The one thing I’ve learned as a parent is that children come pre-wired. They have minds of their own, and coupling that with agency, you never know how things will turn out.  So we try to be philosophical. We’ve attempted, as parents, to teach them things we feel are essential to success, but we try not to take the blame if they do things that we consider not so wise.  But the opposite is also true.  We don’t feel like we can take much credit for any of the good things they do. Fortunately, our children do many good things.

So, how do we measure our success as parents?  Here is what another church leader, James E. Faust, said about that:

Children come into this world with their own distinct spirits and personality traits.  Some children would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances.  Perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of, and be a joy to, almost any father or mother.  Successful parents are those who have sacrificed and struggled to do the best they can in their own family circumstances.

Or, as I like to say, do the best you can with what you’ve got where you’re at.

So, if parents have a somewhat limited influence on their children, at least more limited than we often believe, who influences our children the most? A recent New York Times article suggests that siblings have a greater impact on our children than we, as parents, do. In her article, “The Surprising Ways That Siblings Shape Our Lives,” Susan Dominus notes:

Parents, I sometimes think, forever see their children as fixed, essentially unchanged from who they were when they first entered the world — as, say, a fussy baby or overeager toddler…. Siblings see one another out in the wild, how they interact with other children; siblings are spies, forever sizing up the competition, sometimes threatened, but just as often proud.

Much of the evidence of the impact of siblings on each other is anecdotal, but it is a field of growing research by social scientists. If those social scientists were to interview me, I could provide them with much additional anecdotal evidence of my children’s influence on each other. For example, our oldest son had a greater impact on his brother’s career choice than I did. Our daughter didn’t dare disobey any of our house rules because of the trouble her older brothers got into. One son looked to his older brother as his spiritual advisor.

Each of our children has had challenges. Two of our sons have struggled with mental illness. Another has struggled with alcoholism. But those challenges have influenced our other son. He realizes he might have most of the same genes as his struggling siblings, which has kept him on the lookout for similar issues, and motivated him to take steps in his life to keep his mental health strong.

Social scientists have determined that one of the keys to success in children is an environment that encourages them to try things for themselves. Siblings tend to understand that more than parents. Parents are often trying to shield their children from failure or embarrassment. For example, how frequently do we, as parents, step in and help or even take over for our kids, such as learning to tie their shoes, rather than letting the child struggle to learn it on their own?

Social scientists would only need to look at movies to see how siblings influence one another. I recently watched Young Woman and the Sea,[i] which is the true story of Trudy Ederle, who, in 1926, became the first woman to swim the English Channel. The film is currently streaming on Disney+. The first time I watched the film, I saw it as a story about how society treated women a century ago, placing limits on them that now seem almost laughable. After reading Ms. Dominus’s New York Times article, I rewatched the film as a commentary on family dynamics.

 As a young girl in 1914, Trudy witnessed the capsizing of a ferry in which hundreds died. Most of the casualties were women who died because they didn’t know how to swim. Trudy’s mother decided to teach her siblings, Meg and Henry Jr., to swim to ensure their survival. However, her mother would not let Trudy swim, as she had recently recovered from the measles. “If Meg swims,” Trudy responds, “I swim.” Her parents relent and let Trudy take swimming lessons along with Meg. Their teacher saw greater potential in Meg as a competitive swimmer. But Trudy was not about to be outdone by her older sister. Soon, it was Trudy who was destined to break swimming records and win Olympic medals. Here is a trailer for the film.

As Trudy attempts to swim the English Channel, her father repeatedly demands that she quit, but her sister, Meg, repeatedly urges her on. It is Meg whom Trudy listens to. At one point, Meg even joins her in the cold Atlantic to pace Trudy because “Trudy hates to lose a race.” Meg then challenges Trudy, saying, “Race you around the pier!” It was a challenge that the two sisters often gave each other as they grew up. In short, Trudy’s dad keeps trying to protect her, while Meg helps her achieve greatness—something siblings often do for each other.

One of the greatest joys of being a grandfather is spending time with grandkids. And sometimes, I get the opportunity to tend our youngest, Nora. Nora often tells me she wants to “watch a show.” And one of her favorite shows, which will come as no surprise, is Frozen.[ii] And what is the storyline of Frozen?  The relationship between two sisters. Here is a compilation of some scenes from Frozen that illustrate the love between Elsa and Anna:

Many of my favorite movies deal with the relationship between siblings. Here are a few of them:

• Slumdog Millionaire: Two orphaned brothers learn how to survive in the slums of Mumbai, creating experiences that help one of them answer questions on the quiz show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
• What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: A young man must care for his mentally challenged brother. The responsibility of caring for a sibling with special needs is overwhelming at times, despite their deep love for each other.
• A League of Their Own: During World War II, two sisters compete with and against each other in the first female professional baseball league.
• Rain Man: A man from an estranged family learns he has an institutionalized brother he didn’t remember he had. He kidnaps the brother, an autistic savant, and discovers that his brother was an essential part of his childhood, developing an unselfish love for his long-lost brother.
• Little Women: Four sisters clash with each other, are jealous of each other, love each other, and ultimately unite over the death of one of them.

I suggest you take a second look at these films, this time focusing on the relationship and impact of siblings on each other, both for good and evil.  

Ultimately, we are influenced by many factors. Are we who we are because of nature (or what we inherit from our parents and ancestors)? Or is it nurture that has the bigger impact? It is both. And when we think of nurture, we must consider all environmental factors, including the influence of parents, siblings, friends, teachers, our socioeconomic status, and even the weather.

This Father’s Day, let your dad know how much you appreciate the good influence he had on you. But also remember (and thank) the other people in your life who have had an impact. And fathers and grandfathers? Please remember these words of Clarence Budington Kelland: “My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

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[i] Young Woman and the Sea:

• Production Companies: Jerry Bruckheimer Films, Paramount Pictures, and Walt Disney Pictures
• Director: Joachim Ronning
• Writers: Jeff Nathanson and Glenn Stout
• Starring: Daisy Ridley, Tilda Cobham-Hervey, and Stephen Graham
• Release Date: July 19, 2024

[ii] Frozen:

• Production Companies: Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Animation Studios
• Directors: Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee
• Writers: Jennifer Lee, Hans Christian Andersen, and Chris Buck
• Starring: Kristen Bell (voice), Idina Menzel (voice), and Jonathan Groff (voice)
• Release Date: November 27, 2013